So, this is my first post here. I'll go through my all too familiar story.
Met my wife in january 2006. I was 33, she was 20. We had 2 girls in 2007 and 2009. Everything was awesome. Married her in 2011
She had an EA with a co-worker starting nov 11. Got the whole "I love you, I'm not in love" Very traumatic, we got through it and the marriage survived. She never really apologized. Dont think it ever was quite right after. She was still working with him occasionally but as far as I could see it was innocent(but who knows? lol)
Other notes, she's diagnosed Bipolar(not taking meds currently) and has a slight alcohol problem which is getting worse..
Just to preface. I could have been a better dad/husband. We emigrated in dec 2013, I was unable to work til I got my employment card which took a while. From being the main breadwinner with a great job and our own house and lots of family we went to another country where I was just child minding, picking up little bits of work(while she was thriving at her new corporate job), I was driving a s**tty car, serious financial pressure. No friends or family support. She was genuinely trying and even bought new wedding rings last year but I was too preoccupied with my own stuff and felt like a failure, I was pretty depressed.. I wasnt the most fun guy to be around..
Nov 2016 She started distancing again and I was getting really bad vibes. The whole "I'm love you...not in love" etc She said eveything was my fault. I realized there was some things I needed to change as a husband/man(see above) which I immediately implemented and have done since. I bought numerous help books, I found this website , also Husband Help Haven good, along with Steve Horsmons videos and Nancy Wassons book, "Keep your marriage" were all great and full of positive advice.
Ok, so on the crux of the matter. I am almost certain she has been having an affair with her boss since november 2016. Here's my reasons in chronological order and proof. I would like your opinions I think I need some validation that I'm not going insane..
Sooo 1 She started hiding her phone and facebook accounts from me. Setting passwords/pins etc.
2 Checked her google maps one day just after xmas 2016. She didnt go to work a couple days earlier although she said she did. She went downtown, then various places there and then drove to a restauarant an hour away for lunch and then to an address/area that I am not familiar with. Stayed there for a few hours and was late home after giving me more excuses. I confronted her where she had been. She lied easily but then I said I had proof and she admitted she was with OM and they're just friends, blah, blah etc The last few hours were at his house. I believed her as I love(loved) her and I cant even comprehend how someone can lie so easily. I went to work that night, she was apologetic when I came back and we had awesome sex. After that, she turned off google maps...
3 All the while jan/feb 2017, she keeps distancing, is mad as hell with me ALL the time especially as I'm becoming super dad, got new work and got my s**t together. I keep getting the "Why couldnt you have been like this when we were married" spiel. She keeps saying that I should have brought her for lunch, done this/that and then that I should have proposed properly, all this stuff she sees on facebook.
4 Looked at phone records and there's huge amounts of calls to OM especially when I'm working late, long calls. Eventually she wont let me look at OUR phone records. He's just a friend and listens blah, blah
5 Went on an overseas holiday. Was ok but we fought a couple of times and nothing is really getting better. While there I got a FB friend request from the OM's GF. I dont know this person so thought was weird. Wife made bs excuse and we had awesome sex just after. Also, just to note , sex life was dwindling all the while and she would not cuddle anymore in bed/couch and would even be loving on our dogs knowing that I was in utter pain that she would not even touch or kiss me. The next day the friend request was gone. Sometimes she seemed that she was coming back to me but then she was gone again, all the while insisting that she didnt know/was unsure. OM's GF leaves him soon after. Also, found it weird that the few times we have sex I dont have to use a condom which we always did prior to jan 2017. As far as I can see(and know) she's not on birth control..hmmmmmm
6 I confronted her in may 2017 to see the phone records. She wouldnt let me but eventually relented..As I suspected, huge amounts of calls to OM. I lost my s**t and called OM. It was not pretty. He didnt answer but called back an hour later insisting that they were just friends. He was very nice, calm, persuasive..I see the best in people so I fell for it.
Around this time her facebook was open and I saw some FB messages and she was talking to a relative about me and he was asking her to take my girls away and live out west. They were joking about it but incredibly hurtful to me. I also saw a message about rates to a dude personal trainer where she mentioned she was separating from me. She actually said. "We're separating, LOL"
7 She moved out jun 2017 to her own place. Stopped wearing her wedding ring.
8 All the while she's still working with him, they're in the same corner of the office and always going for lunch. She got a free trip to Mexico for four days with work and I assume she went with him although I have no proof. He's not in her FB pics but what do I know? I could have found out but was trying to cope with finding a new rental, working and looking after my kids.
9 Aug 2017 ..She went on business trip with him for 2 days. Just friends apparently and they had a picture together on FB which really riled me but as always I tried to forget about it and give her the benefit of the doubt. All the while I'm being nice, affectionate, working on myself and leaving the door open for reconciliation.
10 In the meantime she's mad at me constantly, keeps saying I'm going to find someone else and asks if I'm dating anybody(which I''m not). She is utterly miserable most of the time, has very few friends except OM(haha) and is putting on weight. Sex has stopped.. For my part, I've got a great new place,new car, jobs going great, really connecting with my kids, lost 20 lbs and am happy except for the wondering about her and possible OM and her constant emotional battering.
11 Dec2017 Keeping low contact with her most of the time although she occasionally throws breadcrumbs and wants me to hang out, dinner etc I still love her and am affectionate and nice but she's holding back all the time. Really confusing and hurtful.
12 I have suspicions all the time(which are justified) and I see from a shared credit card that she was up with OM last weekend 12/10. I didnt give too much away but she said it was to give baking pans to OM's mom(LMFAO). She's incredibly annoyed by my questions, wont admit to any wrongdoing, we're friends etc She called me jerk, P**ck etc and is crazy angry with me. I also know that she was up in that area other weekends when I had the kids. I didnt confront her with exact details because I'm sure she could make an excuse. Also, she told me to take her dog that weekend and the only reason as far as I can see is because OM has a dog and the 2 dont get on..
13 Two days later I went out with dude friends for dinner and beers. I told her this but wasnt too specific. She then messaged me later and asked me if I was still out. I didnt answer imediately and I get a couple of NM messages, sarcastic thumbs up. Then she calls me a "dirt person", other nonsenical messages that are just insane. Also, she's been doing that for the last year. If I dont immediately respond to an email/text she loses her f**kin mind. She asks about female co-workers, new female FB friends, and is even jealous of my dude drinking buddies. She's even snooped on my old emails and through google activity saw that I had looked at porn over the course of our marriage. I'm not proud of, it was maybe once or twice a week towards the end. I didnt look much in the early years. I realize its a problem and probably contributed to our drifting apart.
So anyway, I think I have valid proof/suspicions of her affair. I hate that she lies and wont admit to it, it drives me crazy. If she is indeed having an affair thats fine. If she told me a year ago or 6 months ago that she loves him and wants to be with him thats ok too, I mean it..
I dont want to be with her, she's not the woman I married. I dont love her anymore. I've told her as soon as I get my citizenship we can go for a no contest divorce. She seems cool with all this but keeps changing the subject in our emails back and forth and says I'm not emotionally there for her...WTF!! STILL trying to wind me up.
Anyway, I am finding it really hard to deal with her lies. I could go for definitive proof with a tracking device or PI but I just dont want to go down that road.
Any advice what to do next except total NC(which I'm doing)? I'm just so angry what she has done to me, my girls and blamed everything on me. I really want to confront OM and her but I just dont have that definitive proof and its probably not constructive although I really want to just punch his weaselly face in.
Dont worry, I wont..Unlike my wife , I dont act on my fantasies lol
Thanks for listening :-)
M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time?? NC, detachment started 12/11/17 D aug 2019
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here. I don't have much time now and others will chime in soon. After reading the #1 and #2 on your list, the answer is YES, she is and has been having an affair. There is no need to even read the rest of the list (although I did).
You don't need to do much more snooping. You have your answer. Now, what are you going to do?
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
Hi Cadet, appreciate those links. I've read most before, I'm a first time poster but a long time stalker here :-)
Thanks for your input Matrix.
I have not really told many people of my situation. I was ashamed, guilty(I'm Irish Catholic lol) and everytime I brought valid points about OM with my wife she managed to wriggle out of it and make me feel like crap. I just needed outside, impartial advice, validation.
To answer your question on what I'm going to do.
When I really thought about everything, all the red flags, the overwhelming evidence and everything about last weekend it was like a switch went off in my head and that was it. I dont believe her now, I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. After all this was my wife, the love of my life , the mom of our two awesome girls. But my eyes have been opened, finally. She doesnt know what I know(I was vague and non specific) but she's not even protesting her innocence anymore but still not admitting to anything.
I've been doing total NC the past 5 days and just going completely 180. I'm being nice, positive but distant and she is noticing. I'm not going 180 to get her back obvs, I just dont believe her and if she has done what I believe she has over the last year, the marriage is beyond repair. She keeps checking in on me, and called me out of the blue today for no reason to talk. She was clearly upset, asking what I was doing etc. I was nice but until the moment she decides she has something to say(like the truth) and maybe apologize I'm sticking to my guns and moving on with the divorce.
M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time?? NC, detachment started 12/11/17 D aug 2019
Hang in there pal. Just out of interest if you can check each other's Google activities does that mean you both know the passwords? Just curious as, as you intimated, you begin to lose interest after a period of healing and in any case the snooping becomes self defeating after a while.
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
No, we have no access to each other's email or anything else for that matter since June.
I've done enough snooping and I could have done way more. I tried not to obsess and looked after myself and my girls. I'm not going to be the guy who follows her or puts a tracker on her car. I think she's really suffering but it's all self inflicted.
I guess I just wanted to put my story out there, because there is still a niggling doubt that I'm wrong. I guess because I want to believe that she could never have done this to me. It's a kind of relief though and i see a brighter future. Hopefully I can help out guys/gals who are right in the middle of it.
M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time?? NC, detachment started 12/11/17 D aug 2019
So, wife came over this morning. She had the kids, and I'm taking them for the next 3 days.
After yesterday being really sad on the phone she was pretty happy today. I'm trying to keep detached but its hard and I dont really want her around. I'm barely containing my anger at her affair but then I'm also confused as I keep thinking maybe she's not and its just a plain loss of love situation as she maintains(partly true). I still dont have that proof except for all that I submitted on my first post. Maybe she's not? Aaaargh! Its really hard to keep this whole detached attitude. Its always been a pattern that she makes me feel like an idiot and I end up apologizing.
I made a mistake then by mentioning that she should go up to OM with the baking pans she apparently "borrowed" last week. I was pretty sharp/cutting and she was really cranky at me and made me feel like crap, as usual.
I didnt apologize and I kept up the detaching and she left. Its hard though, especially when I'm still not sure. I would hate to be going through all this if she is not having an affair. Maybe I'm being an [censored] for nothing. I just wish she'd tell me one way or the other..
Sorry for the rambling post
M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time?? NC, detachment started 12/11/17 D aug 2019
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Ok, I kinda put a thread up on this a few weeks back. Didnt want to admit it and I dont have 100% proof but the evidence is damning.. I really need opinions outside of very close friends, I cant really tell my family the details.
Nov 2016 I got he whole "I'm love you...not in love" etc She said eveything was my fault.
1 She started hiding her phone and facebook accounts from me. Setting passwords/pins etc.
2 Checked her google maps one day just after xmas 2016. She didnt go to work a couple days earlier although she said she did. She went downtown, then various places there and then drove to a restauarant an hour away for lunch and then to an address/area that I am not familiar with. Stayed there for a few hours and was late home after giving me more excuses. I confronted her where she had been. She lied easily but then I said I had proof and she admitted she was with OM and they're just friends, blah, blah etc The last few hours were at his house. I believed her as I love(loved) her and I cant even comprehend how someone can lie so easily. I went to work that night, she was apologetic when I came back and we had awesome sex. After that, she turned off google maps...
3 All the while jan/feb 2017, she keeps distancing, is mad as hell with me ALL the time especially as I'm becoming super dad, got new work and got my s**t together. I keep getting the "Why couldnt you have been like this when we were married" spiel. She keeps saying that I should have brought her for lunch, done this/that and then that I should have proposed properly, all this stuff she sees on facebook.
4 Looked at phone records and there's huge amounts of calls to OM especially when I'm working late, long calls. Eventually she wont let me look at OUR phone records. He's just a friend and listens blah, blah
5 Went on an overseas holiday. Was ok but we fought a couple of times and nothing is really getting better. While there I got a FB friend request from the OM's GF. I dont know this person so thought was weird. Wife made bs excuse and we had awesome sex just after. Also, just to note , sex life was dwindling all the while and she would not cuddle anymore in bed/couch and would even be loving on our dogs knowing that I was in utter pain that she would not even touch or kiss me. The next day the friend request was gone. Sometimes she seemed that she was coming back to me but then she was gone again, all the while insisting that she didnt know/was unsure. OM's GF leaves him soon after. Also, found it weird that the few times we have sex I dont have to use a condom which we always did prior to jan 2017. As far as I can see(and know) she's not on birth control..hmmmmmm
6 I confronted her in may 2017 to see the phone records. She wouldnt let me but eventually relented..As I suspected, huge amounts of calls to OM. I lost my s**t and called OM. It was not pretty. He didnt answer but called back an hour later insisting that they were just friends. He was very nice, calm, persuasive..I see the best in people so I fell for it.
Around this time her facebook was open and I saw some FB messages and she was talking to a relative about me and he was asking her to take my girls away and live out west. They were joking about it but incredibly hurtful to me. I also saw a message about rates to a dude personal trainer where she mentioned she was separating from me. She actually said. "We're separating, LOL"
7 She moved out jun 2017 to her own place. Stopped wearing her wedding ring.
8 All the while she's still working with him, they're in the same corner of the office and always going for lunch. She got a free trip to Mexico for four days with work and I assume she went with him although I have no proof. He's not in her FB pics but what do I know? I could have found out but was trying to cope with finding a new rental, working and looking after my kids.
9 Aug 2017 ..She went on business trip with him for 2 days. Just friends apparently and they had a picture together on FB which really riled me but as always I tried to forget about it and give her the benefit of the doubt. All the while I'm being nice, affectionate, working on myself and leaving the door open for reconciliation.
10 In the meantime she's mad at me constantly, keeps saying I'm going to find someone else and asks if I'm dating anybody(which I''m not). She is utterly miserable most of the time, has very few friends except OM(haha) and is putting on weight. Sex has stopped.. For my part, I've got a great new place,new car, jobs going great, really connecting with my kids, lost 20 lbs and am happy except for the wondering about her and possible OM and her constant emotional battering.
11 Dec2017 Keeping low contact with her most of the time although she occasionally throws breadcrumbs and wants me to hang out, dinner etc I still love her and am affectionate and nice but she's holding back all the time. Really confusing and hurtful.
12 I have suspicions all the time(which are justified) and I see from a shared credit card that she was up with OM last weekend 12/10. I didnt give too much away but she said it was to give baking pans to OM's mom(LMFAO). She's incredibly annoyed by my questions, wont admit to any wrongdoing, we're friends etc She called me jerk, P**ck etc and is crazy angry with me. I also know that she was up in that area other weekends when I had the kids. I didnt confront her with exact details because I'm sure she could make an excuse. Also, she told me to take her dog that weekend and the only reason as far as I can see is because OM has a dog and the 2 dont get on..
13 Two days later I went out with dude friends for dinner and beers. I told her this but wasnt too specific. She then messaged me later and asked me if I was still out. I didnt answer imediately and I get a couple of NM messages, sarcastic thumbs up. Then she calls me a "dirt person", other nonsenical messages that are just insane. Also, she's been doing that for the last year. If I dont immediately respond to an email/text she loses her f**kin mind. She asks about female co-workers, new female FB friends, and is even jealous of my dude drinking buddies. She's even snooped on my old emails and through google activity saw that I had looked at porn over the course of our marriage. I'm not proud of, it was maybe once or twice a week towards the end. I didnt look much in the early years. I realize its a problem and probably contributed to our drifting apart.
So anyway, I think I have valid proof/suspicions of her affair. I hate that she lies and wont admit to it, it drives me crazy. If she is indeed having an affair thats fine. If she told me a year ago or 6 months ago that she loves him and wants to be with him thats ok too, I mean it..
Anyway, I am finding it really hard to deal with her lies. I could go for definitive proof with a tracking device or PI but I just dont want to go down that road.
I've been detaching completely and things are going ok but its going to be a weird Christmas. Kids are with inlaws 22/23 and I have them for 24th and 25th which I'm very happy about. I have no idea what W will be doing for 24/25, maybe staying at home by "herself" watching "Its a wonderful life" lol Hmmmmmmm
Would appreciate any input, opinions. Thanks for listening :-) _________________________ M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time??
M-45 W-32 D-10 D-8 Together 11 years Married 6 years Separated 6/2017 ILYBINILWY 11/2016 (also nov 2011) EA 11/16 PA Same time?? NC, detachment started 12/11/17 D aug 2019
Your W is definitely having an affair right now. You are plan B right now. Don't mistake the interest in your life and who you are talking to as anything other then she doesn't want anyone screwing up her plan B. Stop all affection and pursuit immediately. This type of behavior makes you look weak!
These sitches take a very long time to work themselves out. Right now you can't make things better but you can make them worse. Figure out what your boundaries are and set them.
Pretty big age gap between you and your W. How old is OM.
Fasten your seat belt because things tend to get worse before they get better.
