You are doing great. I want tell you to stop checking or snooping, but slow it down until it stops. Keep GaLing and keeping interacting with your friends.
Great job at not reacting to her future talks.
Also, I want tell you to pay attention to those little signs of them breaking up. Don't stop DBing. Keep making yourself a person only a fool would leave. Let her see what's she's is losing and make her fight to get it back.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Just a quick question for Sandi or anyone else who may know. Is it normal for a WW to cover up when you come in the room? I went I. The MBR to get a shirt and she was changing pants and covered up like a stranger had walked in. Never mind I’ve seen her naked everyday for the last 17 years. Pissed me off for a split second then I got over it. All part of it I guess. Still has made no FaceTimes or calls like before. No long walks, nothing.
Sorry, I did not see this earlier. Yes, it seems to be a very common action for a WW to cover herself whenever the H enters the room. There are a couple of thoughts here. (1) She has emotionally withdrawn and detached from her H that she feels uncomfortable for him to see her without clothes, and she reacts the same as if he were a stranger. It is one of those weird things in the brain of a WW. (2) She sees herself being faithful to the OM, as if she is his secret W. By covering herself, she is saving her nakedness for his eyes only.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Doesn’t it continue to amaze you the way WW continue to act! Just when you thought you’d seen and heard it all BANG something new crops up, so frustrating…
I was in your position with the total lack of respect I was receiving from my WW but luckily I am unaware of how far or how weird their R as gone and its basically due to me making the most difficult decision to move out of the family home. Please be assured it was not a move I took lightly as I left behind both of my sons BUT almost instantly I found myself off the ride…
Now I know people will say I did the wrong thing and allowed her to introduce the AP into “our” world without any resistance but again I was not willing to stand by and be systematically taken apart whilst allowing my boys to suffer her extremely toxic attitude towards our M and in fact to a degree the hindrance of our children NOT allowing her the freedom to continue her hedonistic ways. I’ll ask you a question, if I had stayed would this have caused her to stop her A? < Sandi..?
Initially I did "ask" her to move out and in with her AP but there was NO CHANCE this was going to happen so took the decision to get away from her to save mine and that of my boys sanity.
The comment about her covering up I bet she doesn’t mind if you don’t cover up? You see it’s all about her, her selfishness has no limits and you need to be aware YOU DON’T EXIST IN THEIR WORLD at this moment in time. If you are wanting to regain your M back and are willing to go through this type of exposure then more credit to you, I was not and to be honest it has allowed me to find the focus to concentrate on my own situation! I have also found peace away from their madness but do regret having to allow my boys watch their R pan out in front of them.
Sandi is right (as always) regarding her feeling like betraying her AP if she didn’t cover up, I have seen this time and time again even now with the push-backs I receive IF there is anything close to old feelings/attitudes raised through our interactions and can basically predict “we should start the D proceedings” conversations or the no shows for a week due to these events!
We mention here detachment I have no idea how you can detach whilst in the same house! For me that’s quite difficult especially when the WW is in the infatuation stage of her A, you’re just in the way and she’ll tell you or show you either way not good for the BS or their children for that matter.
I have preached on here detachment but being smart about it, remaining open to her and listening when she wants to talk also allowing her to vent her frustrations to you but with strong boundaries. < This I suggest you look into, learn about the boundaries you can ENFORCE and remove the madness from your life, it will give you focus to better see your situation and manage your goals on RC your M if that’s what you want or alternatively able to survive with or without your WW.
Be strong and get off the ride.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
So had a little bit of a blow up today. My son came home from school Monday with the Tinker crate, it’s a little kid the chips out once every month the contain something in the engineer in a mathematical or science field that the kids can put together an interact with. I get a little suspicious because back when I wasn’t snooping mode happen to notice the other man likes tinker crate. So I got on the website and checked and sure enough he did send it to my son as a gift. It was delivered to my wife’s work. Today she texted me and asked me to look up an address for and I casually mentioned that I really like the crate and want to know where she got it so I could get more for him. She told me a female coworker bought it for him. And for whatever reason I texted back oh that’s nice tell her thanks and by the way I didn’t know her name to change to Steven. You came up with that lot real quick. She hesitated and texted back yes she did lie to me because she knew at react this way and she didn’t want me to throw it away. I told her how disrespectful I thought it was for the man that’s destroying my family to send my son a gift. She said it wasn’t disrespectful at all he just want to do something nice for my son. It was a Christmas gift. I went on to tell her I want him to have nothing to do with my kids. Not a good day I had actually thought they may have broken up because there been no more FaceTime is no phone call since they before Thanksgiving. And she FaceTime to him every day that I was at work and called every night that I was home. I did notice she’s been on Facebook messenger a lot lately so maybe it’s been taking underground or they did break up and she’s moved on to other men number two. She did tell me she wanted to get to the bottom of who I’ve been texting and messaging a lot. I tried to tell her it was coworkers and people I’ve met in a different group I’m in. She seems to think I have a woman on the side.
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
So I got on the website and checked and sure enough he did send it to my son as a gift.
gw5263,
You should be livid about that. (Read livid as "totally f*cking over-the-moon p*ssed off.") Honestly, I'd meet with the @sshole in person and make certain he understands that giving your son gifts is unacceptable.
Today she texted me and asked me to look up an address for and I casually mentioned that I really like the crate and want to know where she got it so I could get more for him. She told me a female coworker bought it for him. And for whatever reason I texted back oh that’s nice tell her thanks and by the way I didn’t know her name to change to Steven. You came up with that lot real quick. She hesitated and texted back yes she did lie to me because she knew at react this way and she didn’t want me to throw it away. I told her how disrespectful I thought it was for the man that’s destroying my family to send my son a gift.
Of course she is going to lie.
I think the way you went about it was very passive aggressive, you were trying to trap her. I think it is better to be direct and say exactly what you want. For example, you could have said, "I was suspicious where the tinker set came from so I checked and it came from OM. I do not think it is appropriate for the OM who is breaking up a marriage to send our son a gift."
This might not be the best way to say it, but hopefully you get the idea.
I get it. I’m super livid right now. Many many thoughts swirling around. She thinks it’s absolutely ok and I’m lava hot about it. If he lived remotely close I’d be visiting. Old thoughts crept back about turning him in to the military again. Man d love to just beat his butt. She said stuf likethis is whyshe won’t work itnout.because I have major trust issues.... if she wasn’t doing what she is doing I wouldn’t. I am getting tired of this game. I pulled way back off her and started doing my thing. I talk to some people I used to work with and current friends a lot onthe phone and she’s talking now about checking to see who I was spending so much time talking to.like it matters. It bothers the hell out of her
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
I told her how disrespectful I thought it was for the man that’s destroying my family to send my son a gift.
GW,
So now what? More make believe boundaries? You are being completely disrespected in your own home time after time. What are the consequences? She texts you asking her to look up an address for her? WTF. What is your role in this relationship?
Well LH, what’s next is I’m done. She can go do what the hell ever. I am not wasting anymore time. She made her bed she can lie in it. He can put up with her crap, I’m done with it. It [censored], and I hate that my kids are going through this, but I can’t do this anymore. It’s killing me. I am tired of all of this drama. There is more to life than all this. I want my life back. Beginning to wonder why I wasted so much time energy and emotion chasing and wanting someone who did such terrible stuff to me and can’t understand why I feel the way I do. I feel like a fool. There is a better life out there and it’s time to go get it. This marriage was pronounced dead June 25 at 4 am anyway. All the cpr and shocks haven’t resurrected it. Time to call it I think
M 51 W 46 D14 S13 M 16yrs T17yrs BD 06/25/17 OM Confirmed 06/25/17, ILYBNILWY Did Sep for 1 month, moved back in due to W Finances
Beginning to wonder why I wasted so much time energy and emotion chasing and wanting someone who did such terrible stuff to me and can’t understand why I feel the way I do.
Read the following post from Accuray:
Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong, and then cheated on you and lied to you. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?
The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
Look man this $hit ain't easy! You fought to keep your family together. No one can ever take that away from you! It's time for GW to decide what kind of future does he want for him and his kids.
Your current sitch is sucking the life out of you!
