Hi Irish , I've been following along and exw seems to have read the mlcers handbook from cover to cover.
Your rejection of couples counselling was a slap in the face to her so she read the handbook and reacted like a spoilt child.
My own take on the whole sitch is the pressure / stress on the girls. This whole thing is extremely tough on them and in my very humble opinion they should be allowed live their lives without this spectre hang over them daily. If EXW is indeed a student of the mlcer handbook then exw has a long long way to go and even then who knows. The girls list is more than resonable to the average joe but to exw its mount Everest x 100 right now.
Hi Irish, I haven’t been following the board for a while, and when I came back to read your thread, just WOW! All I can say, you’ve been handling it very well. I agree with others, she is not ready to repair the relationship with the girls, but she’s made a great progress, in my opinion. At least I can tell that the desire to do it is there. But… what a rollercoaster! You are so right to protect your Ds from all of the details. Your girls expectations of your ex are very reasonable and should be very simple to address when she is ready.
Take care.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
yes, reasonable absolutely - nearly impossible in her current state. I'm not sure about the "if she really wanted it" statement. I think she does want her girls but doesn't have the strength to get herself out of the pickle she put herself in with this hostage taking relationship.
The girls' clarity is due to your consistency. Well done bud!! xoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I just caught up on your thread. Wow, what a ride... I'll chime in with my 2 cents.
Point 1
And my 2 cents might be a bit at odds with the thoughts of others. Your daughters are not babies or toddlers and IMO you might be a bit over protective with them. I get it that you are a papa bear and you want to shield them from each and every harm in the world.
IMO they are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to have any contact with their mother. It is very likely they do not.
Point 2
To me you sounded a bit judgemental in your conversations with your W, but on the other hand to me she came off like an absolute basket case.
IMO you she still has ways to push your buttons, but with an occasional slip up, you are acing your replies.
I too think that you should step back a bit and let her cook, she is not done yet.
Cheers, V
Last edited by job; 11/24/1701:05 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Sorry I've been away from the group this time a year is so busy and I don;t get much time to sit down and read up on everyone's progress.
RD, yes XW must have a copy of the MLC handbook. She seems to react as expected. Her mothers own MLC lasted over 3 years.. and even then from what I heard from several family members she never came back to the loving, caring person she once was. It was always about her and her survival. Surviving what? that's a tough question to answer. I guess surviving her own depression and avoiding the deep look into herself to see what damage she caused. She clearly avoided any discussion of it. I guess that;'s why now with her own daughter in MLC she is seeking therapy.
Bright, Yes I do see progress, She had the strength to see me face to face after 2 years. Hopefully, if she is still in therapy it will guide her through. Or at least make her healthy enough to want to really connect with the girls.
Bttrfly, thanks for all the support you give me. I think the pickle shes stuck in , is at the bottom of a jar with the lid screwed on real tight.
Peace, yes , I hope one day too she gets well enough to start to rebuild what once was a loving relationship between mom and daughters.
Vapo, your point 1 , they do want to see mom. Only thing is they want old mom not this new person. We have discussed it and I have told them over and over they are free to reach out to her. They have a certain connection with her. They know she is not well and she is better off alone. They believe one day she will wake up and really make an effort. Until then they wish to not see her like this.
On your point 2. Yes she got to me. Seeing her sitting across from me for the first time in over 2 years i felt for a minute like she was her old self. That hearing her voice brought me back to before all this MLC. It didn't last long once she started talking about her plans and she went on. Clearly she was either poking out of her hole and had a slight clarity going on or she was just playing the game. Saying what i wanted to hear. Either way i shook it off.
The only news I got from XW was when I needed some government papers that was sent to her instead of me. these are for admission to college for D17. You see last summer she applied to College and was refused since her mid terms were low and they wanted to see improvement when she finally finished high school. Well she did pull up her grade and successfully graduate. Her application to college had to wait until this winter semester starring January 2018.
So I message Ex
Hi, can you mail or email me the documents you received from the school board on D17 final grades. I need it so she can apply for college. She missed the fall registration due to low grades but has brought them up and ready to apply again, thanks
Ohhh poor D17. She is going through so much, She should see a therapist. You know Irish, I want to see them but they don't accept my choices. I can;t do more for her,. Now you are the "best" dad, you fix it. Good night.
So that was Nov 28. The last I wrote her and the last i heard from her. I will not reach out to her aver again for anything concerning the girls. Narcissism 101 . she will not help anybody but herself.
that brings me to something i stumbled on. I now see that MLC is narcissism . 100% read this , i'm sure it will reflect much of who your spouse has become. Mine hits all 14 points.
1- Two faced, putting friends and family down behind their backs.
2- Tendency to blame their lack of success and failures on others.
3- Acts different in public than in private.
4- Irresponsible and unreliable.
5- Arrogant, acts superior to people close to them.
6- Lives in a fantasy world which may include porn, flirting, affairs and dreams of unlimited success and fame.
7- Addiction to this fantasy oriented behavior.
8- Will lie and distort facts and change events to suit their own agenda.
9- Be irresponsible with money.
10- Emotionally distant and unavailable unless they want something.
11- Lack sympathy for others, especially those they exploit.
12- Be very controlling and unable to relax.
13- Regularly provoke people and blame them for the fight.
14- Have trouble admitting their mistakes.
Hoping you all a great pre-holiday time to enjoy local activities with your kids and families.
I am busy with work and gathering items for the homeless. Lots of running around.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I'm pretty good at being patient, but your xw....well her response to your email just made me want to smack her. So, in other words, it sounds like she's not going to mail you the documents.
Yes, narcissism does come out fully in MLC. Remember, child exhibit this when they are little. Some of them walk around say "mine" when interacting with others. MLCers are very self-centered and selfish 100% and always want to look the best to their public so that they are perceived to others as being great.
I'm truly sorry she's still acting the way she is. I had hoped that by seeing a therapist she would be further along...but she's one stubborn lady and it may take a while, if not forever. She is missing out on so much w/her girls. Such a shame!
Please take care of yourself and those lovely young ladies.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey, Irish! I usually just follow along with your posts quietly, but that was an interesting reaction from your MLCer.
So, she's seeing a therapist, trying to figure out why her life is the way it is, and is obviously having to confront her part in things little by little. That's gotta be very painful. Most of us have gone through the same process as we've traveled the LBS road...acknowledging our part in our breakups. So what happens when we do this?
-We have the "epiphany". -We get very excited because we see it. -We get sad because we feel horrible about what we have done. -We want to share our new found knowledge with our (other person) and anyone else who can help, hoping they'll say "yes! you get it now!" and work with us on what we want. Show us we are stil valued. -When that doesn't happen with our other, we sit with it and slowly get a little angry that they aren't understanding our efforts. -We then try to take control of something, ANYTHING, in the situation to feel that we have some control over something. We do this by lashing out, spewing, or saying no to simple little requests JUST BECAUSE WE CAN. Or, we beg and cry. Sort of a wimpy attempt to control. -Then we feel awful, often going into a depression or down period. This is when we get to again do some soul searching, either alone, with others, or with (hopefully) a really good therapist. Then the cycle begins again.
Any of it sound familiar?
As much as it drives us crazy or looks just like bad behavior, its part of a process. And it looks to me like she might actually have a helpful therapist guiding her through the process. So, ignore (as you are) the bad behavior...don't acknowledge it. But feed the good behavior with praise and understanding. Basic dog training, really, LOL. In other words, do just what you're doing.
I really just wanted to say, keep up the good work...you are a fantastic father and are handling the situation very well. It is a pleasur to follow along and learn from your situation.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Wow, that was a really lame response. No, she’s not going to do the simplest thing for any of you, sadly. And yes, your list is spot on. Wow, reminds me I’m not the crazy one.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Irish, re exw response, typical of someone with no control trying to exert some. Not worth a second thought my friend. Yes they all follow the , me , me , me script but let them. Xmas around the corner and no doubt Santa will be calling to the Irish household. Have a great one and the same to your family.
