Yes still prowling the boards and commenting where I feel my drivel can possibly benefit!
I wish I could say I’m in RC but afraid I’m spinning my wheels and going nowhere, WW is still going strong with her AP/LO and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change any time soon!
What the time has given me is the ability to see that I really have no control over my situation in fact I’d go as far as to say NOBODY as any control over their situation; With this realization hitting me it has allowed me to shift my focus away from her and more on my boys and me. It would seem that my situation is evolving into a kind of normality in respect to all people involved having accepted her decision to ruin 6 people’s lives forever and not condoning her actions! I of course am not one of these people and continue to stand for my family and her as deep down I feel there is something to fight for.
I can’t deny its hard and some days I wonder whether I should just accept there is no MR left with her totally disinterested in it but then in an instant remember that the process she’s living through takes time so I just get on with my life and that of my boys. I try to be the sane place, the familiar place a place that is safe for ALL including WW but especially for my boys and just carry on.
I STILL have some issues with the DR principles which I’ll keep to myself but am GAL’ing regularly, keeping fit and healthy have no contact UNLESS she initiates and have smart contact when we have F2F interactions. I still believe there is a process they go through but now am less worried whichever way she chooses to go in the knowledge that I’m getting stronger in being dependent of her which gives me a new found confidence and a “who cares” attitude but always with an eye on staying her friend and safe place when she needs it.
I hope I can have your resolve for staying the course as I’ve only been at this for less than a year but I know I’m on the up whilst although she doesn’t show it she can only be on a downward spiral as all of her best days with her AP/LO are behind her now and this “normal” life hopefully will take its toll…
Thanks for the bump.
Take care all and Merry Christmas.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I think you have control over YOUR situation: it is you and your children now. And applying proper DB gets your life going on. Time is on your side. Have patience and DB.
Merry Christmas Mark
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Christmas is a difficult time for us, just looking at all the adverts on the TV is enough to trigger emotion BUT I’m trying my hardest to give the boys the best Christmas I can. The boys are with me on Christmas Eve waking up Christmas morning with me, this was greeted with a lot of resentment on WW behalf but was adamant they weren’t waking up playing “happy families” with the two love birds.
D talk? Only when things don’t go her way or when I maintain my boundaries but have since BD only had these conversations 3 times! I feel this will be escalated on New Year’s Eve with them making it a New Year’s resolution, I’ll not file myself but will make it clear if she wants to bring our family to an end then she will have to do it.
Tread – no I had to move out of our family home in February (13th) due to her constant mental torture she was inflicting on my boys and I, really not very pleasant for us all.
Thanks again.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Hey Mark!! Good to see you back after a long time. I know we've had our tussles with DB principles, but I am glad to hear you're doing well.
I know this time is hard because all you see is happy families on TV and wherever you go with the kids. It gives me extra fire to be the best single parent that I can be and have twice as much fun with them.
Have a great Xmas and holidays bro! Keep coming back with some updates when you can.
Mark.....FWIW there are several folks on the board who have fought many years and through some very hard circumstances to save their MR and you are one of them. I have struggled myself at times but what helps me continue on are folks like you that continue to keep moving forward determined to persevere.
What the time has given me is the ability to see that I really have no control over my situation
Well you don't have any control over HER situation, but I agree with Neffer, you have 100% control over YOUR situation. You can choose to stand, choose to let go, choose to follow her around like a puppy dog begging her to stay. But whichever it is, it's because you are choosing it, right or wrong. Just try to remember it in those terms. She's not in the driver's seat of your life, YOU are. A lot of people let go of the wheel and crash into a tree and blame their WAS. They fail to acknowledge the WAS got out of the car at the last stop light (and probably got in a sports car with OM, LOL!)
Quote:
in fact I’d go as far as to say NOBODY as any control over their situation
I am 100% in control of my life and my situation. I accept the good that comes of it as well as the bad. I don't always make the right choices, but I own them regardless. I am empowered. You'll get there too, and when you do it will be liberating for you.
What I mean by control of my situation (or those of us trying to RC our M) is the outcome of our R, WW and I. I'm learning that I can't do anything to influence her decisions regarding the A so am better able to let it go.
Since my last posts I feel mentally I'm in a better place and can work on my situation with less pressure to try and "win" her back! She needs to come back on her own accord or I face a possible second D-Day, this has helped me see my situation differently in a new light if you will!
It's all about the boys and me now and if she chooses to join us well I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Good to hear from you all.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Mark good to see you back lurking again. Apart from an emotional blip last week (it was approaching the "first anniversary" of the A as detailed in my thread) I think I feel "wise after the event" now after all this time. Can't say that the holidays will be easy but as long as I avoid the mental triggers I will be content with my W doing what she needs to do with the assumption that things will come to a head one way or another at some point (but will still dread that day). I am presuming that once again she is oblivious to my knowledge (only gut instinct now, no checking) so she is not seeing me as condoning anything (and hence a weakness). My new IC told me yesterday she thought I was being extremely brave. Hmmm...
best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Sorry mate was just catching up with your situation.
Can you just post what you’re doing to manage your situation? After browsing your posts again my head spins! I don’t know for definite whether your W is wayward or not, with clarity you can then go on to better manage based on your findings.
I don’t tend to give advice any more as I don’t feel qualified enough so will just say stay the course, use the DR principles but in a way that works for you! If you have to have contact let her initiate then be civil with good boundaries (no R talks and definitely no mention of AP/LO). Get out and about, I find walking is great for depression and good for you to boot!!!
Key for me… Forget about your W if she’s wayward, let her A run its course and work on you. Try to slow everything down to a crawl and allow deterioration to take its toll on their R. Get out and enjoy the time you’ve been given its possibly the on time you’ll have for yourself for the rest of your life! Use it.
Be happy, confident and stay positive.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Hi Mark thank you for the sage advice. Not sure about situation management but I'm still to a certain extent one day at a time. All the time she is in her job I assume it's still "on" (regarding that, when I confronted a few months back I suggested she left her job but then emphasised I would not force her). As 25MLC suggested in her comments about my MC sessions, my W's assertion that they were "trying to keep neutral" cuts no ice whatsoever.
see you
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Mark by way of a PS, there is currently a discussion over on PEW1974's thread about "defining conversations". By that I mean the one where, for those sitchs where the W is still around, the WW/WAW finally takes ownership of the A, as opposed to merely being "sorry" and the pain caused to the LBH is fully described. This is all to clarify the cake eating, plan A/plan B, etc. scenarios with a view to preventing OM2,OM3...OMn in the future. All being well I intend to have mine over the Christmas period.
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
What I mean by control of my situation (or those of us trying to RC our M) is the outcome of our R, WW and I. I'm learning that I can't do anything to influence her decisions regarding the A so am better able to let it go.
Since my last posts I feel mentally I'm in a better place and can work on my situation with less pressure to try and "win" her back! She needs to come back on her own accord or I face a possible second D-Day, this has helped me see my situation differently in a new light if you will!
It's all about the boys and me now and if she chooses to join us well I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Great, that all sound spot-on! Glad to hear you are doing well and on the right path
So great we're all not suffering too much at this time of year.
Unfortunately when WW came to pick my boys up to take them for xmas dinner at their grandparents I broke down emotionally in front of them all.
Not very attractive and took me by complete surprise! Thought I was getting stronger but nothing could be further from the truth, anyway let it go and move forward.
Tomorrow's another day.
Take care all.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
You think it's all buttoned down them oops it isn't.
And you are a dad, a great one.
I felt like you, not posting because I didn't seem to know much.
Think of yourself as giving opinions not advice and that will help. Plus others whose sitches have elements to them similar to your own can be reassured.
Sometimes even now when others just post, that's tough V, then it helps a great deal. Just to know that others have similar issues or are listening.
An Internet hug,or acknowledgement it's ok can be enough.
So keep posting, on a selfish level you will be repaid many times.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Feel for you Mark Emotions can surface at any time. I was having irrational feelings about someone else recently which have now subsided but the upshot was all the emotions came back and the "strength" evaporated. So yes we are being human (and prob being multifaceted men as well!)
Take care
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
V I understand you've had it particularly hard in your situation and commend you for staying strong in the face of adversity it does you credit and sets the example for the rest to follow.
I've come to realise over this past couple of days that whilst they're in their A there really is NOTHING we can do, I hope all the recently betrayed take notice and just start to work on themselves and their children and stop concentrating on their WS.
It's futile we need to remember as much as we'd like to affect the A we're on their timetable IF WE WANT TO RC THE MR. So use the time and try and enjoy it doing things you've always wanted to whether it's getting in the best shape of your life or learning a new skill, do it with vigure and remain confident with a smile on your face always.
Here's to 2018...
M
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
There is a sense in which the more badly behaved the wayward is the harder it hits. However the other side of that is that the surer we become of our direction.
The harder we work on ourselves, the more GAL we do and the extreme care we take then the more the growth we make.
Post traumatic growth is real and tangible. I am experiencing it.
It's paradoxical, for a while I lost my connection to my higher power and I felt lonely. Losing my aged ma and pa leaves me the senior member of my family. I certainly wasn't any kind of leader before this.
I have observed here that it is ALWAYS the LBS that decides it's finished. Often at the end of it, we have outgrown the wayward.
That is how it is, I do believe that.
That WW was attracted to you is a given and that attraction can return, it's a scarey thought though. So for some staying unattractive (grey rock) is ideal, however I use breeze block that is grey brick wall with a much improved V behind.
And let's think about OP, either they are duped or new fodder and an affair down. Why do I say affair down? Who would be with someone in an R even if they say they are S? Especially if that S is in house!
Triangulation that's standard makes the wayward feels good. The BIT haunts my FB page, makes me smile. She has copied my style and wears my clothes, even my jewellery........ Gone blonde, wears black bardot tops and heart shaped jewellery.
Makes me roar with laughter.
Feel sad for the OP, you know what is to come.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Initially in the early stages of my situation everyone could see I was TOTALLY obsessed in winning my WW back and did everything wrong.
I feel the hardest aspect to all this is the insecurity or the realisation that there is a better than good chance she is gone and gone for good! How do we react to such realisations? What is seen so often is give up and pursue D too soon, this is NOT DR'ing.
With the time I have had I see slowing down any emotional choices the best option, I have told myself I will not end my family that's for her to do and her alone. Normally the wayward will want to have both their AP/LO and their S so that all their EN's can be met, this gives me the time to work on my future and that of my boys knowing eventually deterioration of their R HAS TO HAPPEN.
If I could say one thing to all BS on here is this - you are the number one challenge to the AP/LO and their R with your S. The longer you remain in the picture the more threatened AP/LO becomes, now with you making yourself so much more a better prospect due to DR'ing and remaining civil without pursuing and believing in time to erode their R your odds of RC'ing the MR goes in your favour.
Forget about your WS and their life you have no control over it just concentrate on you and plan your GAL activities as a goal for 2018. Exercise - mon to fri. Movie night once a week. Out with the boys/girls once a week.
And so on. Make an excel sheet throughout the year, literally put it down on paper this will encourage you carry it out. Eventually it will become second nature and whilst your doing it makes you more attractive to your WS whilst threatening the AP, win-win...
Come on all lets do this and make 2018 the year of the betrayed spouse.
Happy new year.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Winning WW back, do you really want the WW BACK? Aren't you after new R with a reformed or grown up WW? A WW who is a W not a WW?
Why want a WW back?
Gracious I do hope you want something better than a WW.
In my pursuit of standing then I had GAL points for what I did. I didn't save my M or get a new R, and frankly that wasn't healthy anyway. I did save myself.
Without being here then I am sure as a result of being told that i was so terrible and the screaming banshee episodes I no longer felt worthy of living. I wasn't human and without executive functioning. I was a mess and no longer wanted to be. The pain was terrible.
Should I want WH back? Living with a wayward is so destructive to the health of the LBS. And takes so much.
I think what the wayward wants is resources to pursue their selfish life. As long as the LBS acquiesced it's fine. Take away resources or cease to comply and many things can happen, the wayward awakes or they rage, manipulate and get vindictive.
So want a wayward back as they are. Not me.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes I want my W back but it's her that needs to do all the work to make that happen, I feel we all know here what needs to happen to prove she is worthy but I'm not focusing on that any more.
My situation is possibly one in which there is very little chance of RC but I continue to stand as it's the right thing to do, I will not let my family down and she will shoulder all the responsibility for that.
I'm posting again now as a change in my outlook as forced me to reexamine how I handle it. I seem to have reached that point where sandi, AS and 25 to say a few told me I needed to get to, will anything change? Possibly not but that no longer concerns me.
I remain positive and confident in standing errelevent of the outcome, as you say "feel sad for the OP, you know what is to come"...
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I can totally understand you want your W back, even after everything she has done because I feel exactly the same.
The reality is that a woman in this situation is a stable as a yo-yo. It goes up and down, back and forth and there is no certainty. All that is certain in her head is that it doesn't work for her now.
The best solution is to detach and hope for the best.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
Honestly Vanilla I feel my W is gone never to come back.
IF we RC then I intend to make sure the R is different having reflected on what went wrong. She can never be the same and why would I want her to be after an A, I see it as MR 2.0.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
No.5 – WW started talking about D and how “she couldn’t get a D” I responded with “I will never file and that she shoulders the responsibility for destroying the family” I also mentioned that ANYBODY can file for D and I couldn’t or wouldn’t stop her.
No 11 – WW asked “why wouldn’t you want to file for D?” I responded “because I L my family, I love my MR and I L my W” < I’m conflicted here as it’s been at least 10-months since something like this has happened and instinct kicked in with me “feeling” it a good time to reiterate my stance for standing for my MR.
No 34 – Not really broken in the true sense of the word but. WW mentioned how she felt about the lack of affection between us aiding in her decision to have an A to which I countered with “since this all began and until now I have looked at where I failed and know going forward these failing won’t happen again, I will always hold 50% responsibility for our problems in the MR”
I also said to her that a MR is a “work in progress” which needed to be nurtured and monitored throughout, I also said “you took the easy option and found a solution in another man’s arms and bed” I need to say here for the newcomers that I was TOTALLY blindsided by her change in attitude towards me and fell for it hook line and sinker… It made me feel as though she was open to this conversation, she soon changed…
Towards the end of the conversation she said to me “I hope I haven’t got your hopes up?” at this point I laughed has as the conversation went on I knew I had placed myself in a weak position and this comment summed up the temperature check in all its glory and my complete failure to better DR the situation!
I know I failed all of you here and can only apologies BUT I try to find some positive from all the negative…
1. She now knows I remain committed to the MR but I feel she always did know. 2. She also knows I will not be punished by her driving towards a D as I see this as 1 of 2 next logical steps, I reiterated that she can indeed file for D and that I will manage that situation when it happens. She understands that I don’t see a D as a threat.
She left making a b-line to say goodbye to me especially, a massive difference to the norm lots of eye contact and smiles but there would be she knows I’m still hooked! < Advice to the newcomer.
The above raises questions for me who as everybody knows on this forum is out rightly standing for his marriage. 1. My post is about limerence and basically time, does the above incident reset the clock..? 2. I feel a natural consequence of time will erode their A relationship, was her “new” attitude a baby step in this erosion? 3. How will the AP/LO react after hearing about this conversation..?
It’ll be interesting whether WW will pursue D but in all honesty I really don’t waste any time on this, can’t control it why bother!
The whole conversation started due to me mentioning I needed to change the amount of financial support I give to her due to me planning on visiting most of Europe for my 50th. Affecting the parenting plan for a whole month it had to be raised, unfortunately her attitude completely took me by surprise and need to remember the key statement when this crops up again –
“We have nothing to say to each other until you agree to work on the MR and re-commit to me.” Now say after me…
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
You seem like a really great guy and an awesome Dad. I have posted some similar opinions on your thread in the past.
First there is scientific merit to your limerence theory. The problem when it does wear off and the relationship starts to fade there are no guarantees she comes back to you. I feel your story is like a Sandra Bullock movie. That if you just stand for your marriage and show her how much you love her she will run back into you arms.
When in reality she's thinking after all the horrible things I have done to this guy, he still wants me back. What is wrong with this guy? Does he not love and value himself enough? I hate to say it because I really like you but her and AP/LO are going to get a good laugh about it.
"I will never file for D" definitely shouldn't have been said. Yes, it does start the clock all over again.
Please read Accurays threads he has great insight on valuing yourself.
I know I failed all of you here and can only apologies BUT I try to find some positive from all the negative…
Mark, you haven't failed anyone, least of all "us." You don't owe us anything, we're here to support you, not for you to answer to us in any way. Remember this is all about YOU, what YOU want, and what YOUR future looks like. Don't externalize this. You need to be doing everything you're doing for YOURSELF (and in some cases your children) and not for your WW, or us, or the mailman.
Don't lose sight of that.
Quote:
How will the AP/LO react after hearing about this conversation..?
How would he hear about the conversation? Are you going to tell him? Why? I know it's tempting to want to tell the AP all the crap your W is saying and doing (which demonstrate her poor character, and the fact that she's "disloyal" to him, too) but I promise it won't do you any good. First off, you're just giving HIM power over you, too, and do you really want that? Then, you're giving your WW the kibbles of having both of you fight over her. She wants that. She wants the drama, and to feel wanted and desired by both of you. You're also displaying weakness. And, of course, you will give your WW yet another reason to be "angry" with you ("how dare you take what I told you and try to embarrass me with it!")
Beyond that? He's either not going to care, or not going to believe you, anyway. I promise that he's either:
a: a piece of grade A human garbage that doesn't give a rats ass b: absolutely convinced that your WW is the most awesome, special woman in the world, and you're a total POS who doesn't deserve her, and all of this is your fault, and you deserve what you got.
Don't go there. You will set back what you hope to accomplish. You will damage your mental health further. Continue to detach, focus on you, and accept that you have control over nothing but yourself.
Thanks for your input and you knew I would respond...
I understand that what happened wasn’t good DR’ing and again was totally surprised by the attitude. To counter.
“The problem when it does wear off and the relationship starts to fade there are no guarantees she comes back to you” < Aware of this of course BUT do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
“That if you just stand for your marriage and show her how much you love her she will run back into your arms.” < Again too long in the tooth to expect this to happen. Please re-read I stressed to her that I wouldn’t stand in the way of any D proceedings.
“When in reality she's thinking after all the horrible things I have done to this guy, he still wants me back. What is wrong with this guy? Does he not love and value himself enough?” < Totally agree with this statement BUT I am human and was caught out with her change in stance! I do feel I’ve set myself back BUT isolation from the MR plays into the hands of the AP/LO, I’m not in their face or doing any of the pursuing! I have not gone back to the first few days after BD and doing all the wrong things it’s just that her demeanor was a step change difference!
“I hate to say it because I really like you but her and AP/LO are going to get a good laugh about it.” < Maybe IF she mentions it but now the AP/LO knows I’m here and not going anywhere any time soon. I’m his biggest threat and now I’ve told him I fight and will continue to, they can choose to stagnate or progress D but I’m like the dripping tap in the background with history and family and the knowledge that with each day their R is getting more and more “normal” and susceptible to the same riggers of a “normal” MR. Have I just added pressure on his desire to be with my WW?
“I will never file for D" definitely shouldn't have been said. Yes, it does start the clock all over again.” < I feel you’ve missed the point here the statement I said about “never file for D” is about her having accountability for her actions, within the same sentence I stated to her that she can progress a D herself and I’m not interested either way! No it does not restart the clock, he hasn’t all of a sudden got more attractive me less maybe but I also demonstrate loyalty, commitment to our family a trust that can’t be compared. Eventually these qualities will be realized.
This episode was just a blip, a backslide I continue on my journey nothing else has changed I continue to DR.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Aware of this of course BUT do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
Have you been reading what sandi posts? WW are all about selfish, entitled, pride. It's entirely possible, even probable, that she will decide that she "can't" go back "because reasons" (like the fact that everyone she's told that you're an absolutely horrible human being, husband, father, and man will ask her why she'd go back and she'll have to tell the truth).
You're still too focused on things other than yourself. Focus on you. That's ALL you have control over, that's ALL you can plan for. You HAVE TO let go or you're going to wear yourself down to nothing!
And if you really do still want her back, then you're going about it the wrong way. All she sees is that you're still a reliable plan B. That's it. And if she comes back, it'll just be exercising plan B. And I PROMISE YOU there will be another plan A in her future.
“The problem when it does wear off and the relationship starts to fade there are no guarantees she comes back to you” < Aware of this of course BUT do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
I think for me, the biggest issue I have with the path you've decided to walk is that it's all based on Limerance wearing off and her "leaving" the OM. In my thinking, even when/if limerance wears off, what makes you think that she won't just keep on keeping on with OM? She will never have to decide if she should choose you instead of OM because she knows you will always be there if things ever go wrong with OM.
In other words, unless some major malfunction occurs with them, limerance or not, she may just stay with him and never have to "choose" him over you, because she will always have you.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
do you have any thoughts on the WW getting to a position when being faced with good DR’ing she might feel a certain sense of pride that she can’t go back or be unsure as to the route back to the MR is gone? Good being the lighthouse but not if the bulbs gone…
hi, Mark... i am a former WW... i am familiar with your situation... i have been following it from your first post... in my situation, i had two EAs that H found out about... first one, and then a few months later, a second one... after discovering the second EA there was a HUGE fallout... but eventually, we stayed together... got passed it--sort of... but he did warn that if i ever did anything like that again, he would go scorched earth... there would be no going back...
well--in time i did it again... it got ugly between us... i was not ugly toward him, but he was toward me--and i believed that i deserved it... i moved away across the country for 18 months... we co-parented our boys... i came back... after being separated for 3 years, and legally separated about 2 of those years, i came to him and asked if he would considered reconciliation... he could have said no... he could have laughed in my face... i was nervous, anxious... but i did it anyway...
nothing would have stopped me from asking him... not the ugliness of the early days... not the shame of my actions... but we had both moved on, as much as you could, for a good amount of time without being divorced... and i cannot say that he was any type of light bulb or light house, or that he paved a smooth road back home to him... or that he even left the door slightly ajar... yet--i approached him...
at this point in time--almost 3 years piecing, i could never see myself living out my days with anyone else...
Mark, I think you think you are practicing "good DR" but everyone here has been trying to tell you that you aren't. You are practicing "prove that you are still available as plan B." To really DB/DR well, you need to detach, be mysterious, make her wonder, let her see you are moving on with your life, etc. Instead of giving her something to want to return to, you are making yourself look a very unappealing/desperate choice.
Thank you all for your comments, again I stress this was a blip based on a very strange new attitude towards me which basically caught me out.
I posted this to highlight to the newcomers how even after soo long we can still be emotional animals that from time to time forget the "rules" and DR! For the last 6-months detachment and being smart when face 2 face with WW as been textbook and I will continue to DR to the letter.
Artista - I understand your comments and if you all could see our interaction I would suggest our R has evolved into nothing more than a friendship based on us both having children together! Time is on my side I will remain that safe place but with DR imprinted in my head and Sandi ringing in my ears ;-)
I will continue to stalk and post if I feel something good can come from it.
I keep going.
Thanks again all.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I appreciate you keeping an eye on my situation and your post above should send out a positive vide to all those that stand for their family/children and their MR. I'm in an unfortunate position as you'll know that I can't truly detach due to my commitments! So I use the time to demonstrate that I am indeed moving on, the post says that the ONLY reason this episode came about is because I intend to travel around Europe for a month to celebrate my 50th no kids no wife so it had to be said.
Is this GAL'ing? We are seeing less and less of each other and it doesn't bother me in fact I prefer it, I am getting used to the single life.
I do believe in deterioration and the impact of time, the time my WW as given me I intend to us to better me and my boys, I give the rest less and less headspace but find it difficult to express this to the people here as I don't use the words well enough.
At least the last 6-8 months it's only been the boys and me I really don't care what she does when or who with I'm just not bothered.
You made your way back to your H, you are proof it's not a "pipe dream" I hear it all the time and hold out hope my WW like you sees the better option for all involved.
Thank you.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Have been separated from WW coming up to a year (13th Feb) and spinning my wheels massively, everything seems to have moved into a “normal” existence. We STILL have F2F but these are becoming less and less, basically when it’s my turn to have our children WW no longer comes round but instead either calls or FaceTime’s.
We get along well as long has she gets her way BUT she is slowly learning to not push so much knowing that I’ll hold my own if I feel I’m justified in doing so. Most negative discussions revolve around us having our boys with both unwilling most of the time to move if it’s our turn but being the “adult” I tend to find a solution that works for both parties.
I STILL fall off the DR wagon sometimes but am beginning to see in advance these moments bubbling up in front of me and really should know better but am only human…
As I’ve said in earlier posts time does help! An example - just recently she made a comment about her having our boys when they’re scheduled to be with me but as it’s her birthday she’s got plans to celebrate “as a family” OM/LO included. < This maybe 6-months ago would have been massively hurtful but now although hurtful I can understand that she’s moved on with someone else and leave it at that. What would I gain from making an issue out of this ^^^^..?
What has happened and you can see from my most recent posts is that I maneuvered myself (bad move) into a position where I outlined my continued stance on standing for my MR and family, this stance still hasn’t changed but at the very least shows her someone who can be trusted is committed to the family and honest to the core. This I hope will be the one and only time I do this and instead try and detach better and enjoy my life with our children whilst she continues her journey.
The A continues unabated with no signs of any cracks in their R and this to be honest is helping me realise that whilst they enjoy their life I’ve put mine on hold which needs to be addressed, I know GAL better… It is strange sometimes as WW seems to live a “Jackal & Hyde” type existence!
An example…
Recently I Facetimed our boys when they were at home as I always do and S10 had an issue with the Wi-Fi and a lousy connection, normally I would have solved the issue and all would have been good so expected AP/LO to step in. S10 solved the issue and WW mentioned after S10 told her he’d fixed the issue “well I suppose you’re now the man of the house” and I continued to talk to S10. There have been other times… WW would “suggest” that she’ll sleep with a certain large cuddly toy of S8 as she misses him, this toy is the size of a small boy and in fact larger than S8! You can imagine my mind spiraling out of control which is the hardest thing I’m having to manage and is constantly tough for me.
My concerns… 1. I’m enabling her A – I know I shouldn’t give it headspace BUT why would she want to come back to a R where she has to be with a family 24-7! Presently she can be with our boys 50% of the time then hand them to me and basically act single for the other 50% of the time and enjoy all the privileges that brings. 2. I’m struggling with seeing any hope that what I do can bring a positive solution to this part in my life, separation although massively helpful in keeping my sanity is also allowing me to feel like she/they are falling into a normal R and me finding it harder and harder to see us both together again. I just don’t see us ever being intimate with each other again! That being said there is solid research that with normality comes the same issues any normal MR brings, has she learnt anything that will allow this A R to evolve into a LTR or will this end and she move onto her next LO who knows… 3. Her AP/LO is a co-worker who she sees every day, I can’t ever see NC with him and so RC is almost impossible. 4. She has always been a career driven person and as such again can’t see her giving her job up to work at RC.
I am slowly getting to the point where I’m facing defeat but again will not file for D as I will NOT be the person who’ll end this family, that again is something she as to face as a consequence of her A.
Thanks for reading.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I am slowly getting to the point where I’m facing defeat but again will not file for D as I will NOT be the person who’ll end this family, that again is something she as to face as a consequence of her A.
Mark,
It's not a defeat. Right or wrong, your wife has decided to move on with her life. You can't control what she does, but you can move on with your own life. You need to focus on building a wonderful life for yourself and your children. If your wife changes her mind, then you can see where things go from there, but pining for what your life was is not going to help because that's gone forever.
You made your way back to your H, you are proof it's not a "pipe dream" I hear it all the time and hold out hope my WW like you sees the better option for all involved.
in the words of our good friend Shakespeare as spoken through our good friend Hamlet, "aye, there's the rub."
you see, my H did not hold on to the dream... he let it all go... he was not there waiting for me--hoping i would return... it is indeed a paradox... letting go which makes room for holding on... in this regard, you can't hold on in order to keep... adelante...
Just thinking out loud what the forums views were on timelines and WS?
As mentioned many times here eventually things for us BS start to look better and better, we find a kind of “new life” where we strive to make ourselves better whilst being there for the kids.
I was wondering if anybody had noticed whilst we BS are on a slooooow upward turn our WS are beginning to see a slooooow downward turn? Does our timescale for getting to a better place parallel our WS timescale for possible regret!
I continue to hold out hope that the limerent effect on my WW will eventually fade leaving her with a sense of what could have been with her new and improved LBH and “Superdad”!
"Onwards and upwards".
Wishing you all well.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I was wondering if anybody had noticed whilst we BS are on a slooooow upward turn our WS are beginning to see a slooooow downward turn? Does our timescale for getting to a better place parallel our WS timescale for possible regret!
I don't think it's a linear exchange, but yeah I think there is something to that. Eventually the LBS lets go of the idea that the only path to happiness is through the WAS. They drop the rope and move on with their life. They think about the WAS less and less. Meanwhile the WAS often discovers their new free-wheeling life isn't all unicorns and rainbows like they expected. They also find the problems that they blamed the LBS for are (surprise!) still following them around. Sometimes there is an awakening, and sometimes there is not. I've been divorced 4 years now, I have a GF but my XW has just dated a little here and there without success. So does she want to get back together? I've certainly seen no indication of that at all.
Anyway I'm not saying to quit waiting, a year isn't really that long for a WAS timeline. It can take years for them to come out of the fog and find the LBS attractive again. But I am saying that you can't saw whether recon is in your future or not, so you have to start living your life in a way that you are OK with either outcome.
It never ceases to amaze me how these wayward people act!
Last night (Thursday) my WW came around and dropped off S8 after picking him up from a play date, the interaction for the past 6+ months has been very civil and I suppose friendly. Whilst waiting on S10 to greet her she mentioned the upcoming Easter holidays, the Saturday and Sunday are my days on our rota and I mentioned that I was wanting to have dinner with them on the Sunday.
Instantly the mood changed! The stranger/alien had returned with a vengeance, I have been slowly working on seeing her less and less especially over the weekends with me trying to instigate a “this is your weekend to have them and this is mine” not I have them for a few hours then WW comes to pick them up for a few hours. Anyway I said I was planning on having them on the Sunday but was told that she and her family were expecting them for dinner – I stood my ground.
A cold chill fell over the house and communication totally stopped between WW and I, WW went and talked to S10 for a few minutes then left clearly upset.
Approximately 2 hours later as expected I get a text from WW stating “What time are you letting me see my boys on Easter Sunday then?” “In the past when it’s been my nights I have brought them round to you for a few hours as you have them to me, do not see what has changed?” She also mentioned again that not only were the boys grandparents expecting them but also their 2-year old cousin who they adore! It would have been just my boys and I so after a little while thinking about the hurt it would cause not to WW as I’m little interested in that but to the rest of the boys extended family and them I relented and said I would arrange something another time with them and let me know what time she was to pick them up. < Still waiting on a response…
I’m a classic MNG which I’m ruthlessly trying to work on BUT find it really difficult to stand my ground when other people are involved, if she were to say “me and AP/LO are having Easter Sunday lunch with my boys and play happy families” < this would have had a totally different outcome.
What this has pointed out to me is where WW still is in her journey (physical S over a year 13th Feb 2017) she is very much still engrossed in her addiction. I don’t know what the board thinks but I feel slowly I’m chipping away at MNG, and getting to a point where I NEED to have as little contact as I can with her and just let it be. Also just under the surface nothing has changed within her and she’s still and quite probably will be the same WW she was at BD well over a year ago.
Patience is key but we have a saying in the UK “flogging a dead horse” I’ll continue to stand but am getting to the point where I see life go by and me standing still.
Thanks for reading my drivel.
Take Care.
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I guess I don't understand why you think she'd still be in limerance and/or "addicted" to the affair? It's been over a year since you separated, right? That merely chemical stuff will have dissipated quite some time ago.
Sometimes, people decide they don't want to be married any longer, and that's really just that. Your penultimate paragraph shows me you know this. Life is going by. Remember that we only get one of them!
Also, regardless of where you are (or aren't) in terms of dropping the rope, I think you need a written, signed parenting plan each of you can consult that determines who gets the kids when, especially for major holidays like Easter, Christmas, etc. Negotiating this sort of thing the weekend before a major holiday is going to result in hurt feelings and, with your dynamics, a steamrolled Parkema more often than not. When this steamrolling ceases to happen, you'll know you've turned a real, important corner (one which has to be turned if you're ever going to be attractive to her or anyone else).
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Hey man! I am a bit unclear on how your division of time is with the kids on the weekend. Do you share a few hours on both Saturdays and Sundays?
Anyways, not super relevant to what I want to say, but just curious to see how you've done the split.
What I have noticed is that as soon as things don't go their way, the vengeance and anger comes right out. I've seen that happen with my W, and I have seriously limited my contact with her.
What I would suggest is that you become more proactive in your communications about your plans with the kids. Don't wait for her to tell you what she wants to do. She should've told you her plans, and you should've told her your plans. It can be he should do that, she should do that. Don't play that game.
If you know what you're doing, just let her know in advance and as clearly as possible so that there can be no confusion later. If she doesn't like your plan, then you can decide to negotiate or take the next steps.
All I am saying is that be proactive with kid communications. That's the only thing that I do to break NC if my plans are going to conflict with her time or if there is ambiguity about what's happening.
I had a recent scene like this where I thought I had clearly stated what was happening with the division of time with the kids, and she interpreted that differently. Now, I thought it was absolutely clear, but she decided to read it differently. So, instead of arguing with her about it, I just made a mental note to myself about making it so clear that it could not be disputed.
For e.g. - I will keep the kids from x date (school afternoon pick up) till x date (drop them off in the morning), and you will keep them from x date (afternoon pick up) till x date (drop them off in the morning).
Just be ahead of her and if she rages, that's her problem.
I’m a classic MNG which I’m ruthlessly trying to work on BUT find it really difficult to stand my ground when other people are involved, if she were to say “me and AP/LO are having Easter Sunday lunch with my boys and play happy families” < this would have had a totally different outcome.
of course she did not say that... she's no dummy... she knows exactly what to say to get her way with you... she still might do the "me and AP/LO happy family" thing... same outcome...
p.s.--it would not have mattered to the 2-year old nephew...
Celebrating my 50th birthday today and talking to you from Rome, one to tick off my bucket list.
Been separated from WW for almost a year and a half and finding peace, boys are good and I'm finally getting back to normal in fact BETTER than normal. Still have contact but is becoming less and less and never any aggression or talk about our situation.
I find myself now thinking about what's to come and not what was and accept the M is gone forever. Oh well I now find myself enjoying the "me" time and being the old Mark! Continue to GAL < massively important and generally being happy smiling more and more.
I eventually realised there is no way to affect the A so why bother! Go out and enjoy yourself continue to be the " Super Dad or Wonder Mum" and don't allow the madness affect you. Life's good.
Take care all.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Celebrating my 50th birthday today and talking to you from Rome, one to tick off my bucket list.
Been separated from WW for almost a year and a half and finding peace, boys are good and I'm finally getting back to normal in fact BETTER than normal. Still have contact but is becoming less and less and never any aggression or talk about our situation.
I find myself now thinking about what's to come and not what was and accept the M is gone forever. Oh well I now find myself enjoying the "me" time and being the old Mark! Continue to GAL < massively important and generally being happy smiling more and more.
I eventually realised there is no way to affect the A so why bother! Go out and enjoy yourself continue to be the " Super Dad or Wonder Mum" and don't allow the madness affect you. Life's good.
Take care all.
Mark.
I am so happy to read this, what tremendous growth! Congratulations! Have a wonderful bday and enjoy Rome!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
My 50th is next Friday. If my H and I had been together we probably would have done something exciting but he doesn't acknowledge my existence any longer...
I am saving up to do something wonderful in the future to celebrate and really looking forward to it.
Enjoy your trip
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
I read recently a post about us guys and gals disappearing when things get better and how it dilutes the effectiveness of the forum and the advice given, guilty as charged AS
I personally am continually monitoring (stalking) the boards and see very often the same circumstances cropping up time after time and felt it a good time to just put out there my views again about the whole infidelity WS situation and another perceived way of looking at it.
Straight off the bat Im all for the DR principles and have used these to get to a point where I find myself in a better place could be limbo BUT I feel after looking at the boards we all too quickly end our R in D. this is NOT DR or DB divorce busting but also understand can be driven to it which eventually leads to the same result. I feel the Croix of my experience over the 2 years and counting standing for my M is this and its really simple , you cant control your WS or the A.
I really do believe in the process also , Infatuation, bonding, disintegration but all of this is irrelevant as you arent bothered about your WS are you? Your only concern is the rest of YOUR and your children s lives. Time to move on from him,her and get out there and enjoy life. When they come around , Be civil and nice and always a safe place for them to talk if they want BUT UNDER YOUR TERMS. When they pursue D , slow everything down as much as possible, make them do all the work. When they want to fight , Charge neutral, give them no ammunition dont argue just stay strong, confident and classy. Walk away if you feel the anger rising. Eventually youll realise they do this to try and justify having the A dont give them the justification.
Remember theyre spinning out of control emotionally , step away from that and enjoy the time.
You cant control them or the A so why bother
So am still here and still reading.
Mark.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/04/1801:10 AM. Reason: restored post
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Went to watch the Foo Fighters at London Olympic Stadium last night absolutely amazing and something I havent done in a loooong time!
Good to let my hair down and do something just for me.
Finding the old me again and enjoying it. Eventually those new here will be able to see that the worst can STILL with time turn out okay. Work on you and yours and let them be...
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
My spider sense is tingling with recent comments and actions I've had.
I have been DTR more to the point where I would drop the boys off at the FH which previously was a bit of a boundary stopping me coming into contact with her LO/AP the comments I've been receiving were "it doesn't matter what time you drop them round" and "S9 you can come with me to watch S11 in his play I don't want to go on my own".
Mind reading can be a killer!
The process might be at stage three but who cares, I'm enjoying myself...
M
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Hey M! Ah yes, the mind-reading can have its resurgence at times again. I hope the kids are doing well and that's what really matters in the end. You've seemed to reach a really good place for yourself and it's great to know that.
Fantasy island might have cracks in the foundation
WW always been good when it came to the kids. Just a very slight change in her demeanor, a bit more approachable amicable if you will but I see right through it.
Who cares if they're no longer seeing rainbows and unicorns, time is a great thing I'm slowly coming out the other side so much better and stronger than this time a year ago.
Life is good and Maika yes the boys are moving along nicely as well thanks.
Believe in the process.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
I just read your whole thread Parkema. I'm glad your back around to give knowledge. I love reading some of the old threads, and I'm always like "Wow, I've never seen this guy or gal post before".
I guess a lot of people leave the boards when their MR are resolved or ended.
Anyways, it seems like your feeling more in control of yourself now. That is good.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
WW has just picked up the boys from me and handed me mail that still goes to the FH, with the letter she had a self composed letter outlining her desire to D me due to unreasonable behaviour!
At first it hit like me hard but know there's nothing I can do about it. I will not do any work towards making this easy but feel I should challenge her reason for D after all she is still involved with another person whilst M and in my book that's infidelity...
I intend to NOT talk to her about the D process and instead let her know I don't want the D and intend to let the solicitors battle it out. I will continue to stay amicable throughout and let her vent but strong boundaries will remain.
Hard day today.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
So she has an affair, movies the AP into the family home and she claims that you are divorcing due to YOUR unreasonable behavoir? It's a crazy world we live in.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
I hold my hands up, our M wasn't perfect who's is...
I'm a firm believer in fighting for my M but also what I believe is right, what this letter basically outlined was the fact that I am to blame for her having sex with another man.
How crazy these people get in the throws of the chemical hit they're getting at this time, 20 months and counting... Now I will rightly or wrongly dodge the D process as much as I can and remain civil and amicable throughout, I intend to let the solicitors do the fighting for me and just carry on GAL and working on me and the boys.
I believe this is just another stage in the process, forever the optimist but I will not be the one who breaks this family she has that AND all the work to do.
I intend to stay constant in showing her my commitment whilst being the better have fun and enjoy this period in my life.
I know down the line there's going to be some hard times but one day at a time and rest assured no more mr nice guy if she wants this D then it's under my terms which is best for me and our two boys.
Take care.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Wow! What ball$ she must have to tell you that you're to blame for her A. Ridiculous stuff!
Well, at least from this you can tell she hasn't done any work on herself and taken zero accountability for her actions. It's actually quite repulsive. I don't know if you feel that but I imagine my W doing that and that's how I would feel.
She's still in her fantasy stage and let her be.
You got you and your two lovely boys. Keep on being the stellar parent that you are and take good care of yourself. You can hold your head up high through all of this.
I hold my hands up, our M wasn't perfect who's is...
I'm a firm believer in fighting for my M but also what I believe is right, what this letter basically outlined was the fact that I am to blame for her having sex with another man.
How crazy these people get in the throws of the chemical hit they're getting at this time, 20 months and counting... Now I will rightly or wrongly dodge the D process as much as I can and remain civil and amicable throughout, I intend to let the solicitors do the fighting for me and just carry on GAL and working on me and the boys.
I believe this is just another stage in the process, forever the optimist but I will not be the one who breaks this family she has that AND all the work to do.
I intend to stay constant in showing her my commitment whilst being the better have fun and enjoy this period in my life.
I know down the line there's going to be some hard times but one day at a time and rest assured no more mr nice guy if she wants this D then it's under my terms which is best for me and our two boys.
Take care.
Mark.
Lol my WW still blames me for her jumping in bed with someone else. Or sometimes she blames my mom (she thinks my mom had an affair).
My WW even blames me for her lies. She says well you lied you did this instead of just saying yes, I lied, sorry.
So you're not alone, they wouldn't be able to explain this to anyone, but they throw it at you. Don't accept responsibility, but don't linger in argument or worry about it excessively. Worry about something you can control.....YOU!!!
Good luck.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Well just received the petition to the courts from WW for the D process to start, it hit hard to see it there when I got home but was expecting it.
Stating "unreasonable behaviour" on MY part has got me annoyed to say the least! The question now is do I counter petition or just work on getting the best settlement possible for my boys and me?
It's going to happen whatever I do so just walk away and get on with my life and let her continue her journey...
M.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
good morning, Parkema... you are stable and even-keeled... if i were you, i would use whatever leveraged i had to get the most time with my boys... i understand your annoyance with the "unreasonable behaviour." how disingenuous can she be? does she not see that her behaviour--taking up with another man, setting up house with him--is unreasonable? do what you must to get the most time possible with your boys...
I suppose the quick answer to my situation now is patience, patience, patience. I’m still standing but I suppose from afar, no more F2F contact with WW just text messages regarding logistic issues and the boys. To be honest my life has changed and believe it or not for the better in many ways, I’m more focused on the boys and I have ultimate control over everything we do and the A is a distant memory and more of a distraction. WW has twice sent me the petition for D and twice I’ve ignored it hoping that with time the addiction will subside, if not so be it.
The time I’ve been given hasn’t been wasted, I’m deeply involved with self-improvement and researching the whole attitude changes that’s manifested between modern men and women and how this can relate to MR, it’s truly eye opening and fascinating at the same time! This is where DB has really helped, the principles of working on ourselves whilst detaching and using “smart” contact when needed is paramount to get through these very difficult times. One of the biggest realisations I’ve had is that of focus and where that needs to be and guess what it’s not on the A or the LO/AP.
Initially I was all about show her this and show her that but with time and great guidance it’s now show the world this and show the world that, I’m better for it and so are my boys!
“Standing” for your MR for me might be the wrong word as this signifies no movement, let’s not stand still but move forward.
Stay strong all and catch up in another 6-months’ time.
Take Care
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Hey Mark! Nice of you to keep popping in now and then for an update, good to see things are going well for you! So I guess your W hasn't actually filed for D, but is just trying to send you the papers for your review and/ or signature?
Thanks for the update. Always nice to hear from you, as we are on similar timelines.
I applaud you for your continuous stand, but as you know, this could go on forever. Sorry to hear not much has changed regarding WW.
You seem to be doing it the right way though, but not standing still. It is incredible how much we are able to evolve on our own, when we are left behind.
Things are at an all time low between me and XW, and if she was ever in a limerent state with AP/OM/boyfriend whatever, she most certainly still are.
All the best going forward, and looking forward to your next update.
Btrow
Last edited by Btrow; 02/18/1901:13 PM. Reason: spelling
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
Btrow - Thanks for you're response I suppose all I can say is don't concern yourself with expectations, as I'm beginning to realise limerence and them coming out of it doesn't necessarily mean they'll come back with tails between their legs I feel pride will have a lot to play as well has their inability to look at themselves and what made them do what they did!
Sometimes it is what it is and the MR ends, so be it move on.
AS - Yes she's basically petitioned the courts for D against me, I'm suppose to accept the reasons even though I don't agree as it's blatantly infidelity! I'm waiting for a court official to hand me the papers in person, this is when I'll have no other choice but to respond. I've already talked to a solicitor and am now preparing for unpleasant days ahead...
Thanks all for you're continued interest I appreciate it.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
