I thought a lot about what you said and your right. I do seem to be walking on eggshells again. I do realize I need to have a talk with her about what has happened and where we go from here. Got to gather my thoughts and just do it.
Thank you for your advice and support. I do respect the advice given on this board. Sometimes I find it difficult to find the strength and courage to do what is needed.
Sometimes I find it difficult to find the strength and courage to do what is needed.
I understand. Once you do and you see the results it will get easier. Let her know that you are the prize and she is lucky that you are willing to give her another chance!
she never specifically said she was sorry about the affair just what she has done in general.
This is what a WW will do, if she can get away with it. Just gives a general, "sorry for everything". She takes no responsibility, and doesn't answer unpleasant questions the H may have. Heck, she doesn't even really repent, and expects to simply rub up against her H and everything will be honky-dory. Apparently, that is fine with you, too, since you are trying to work toward intimacy. What the heck, Pew? Why didn't you open your mouth and tell her, "It's not that simple, now". She caught you off guard? Don't tell me you have not considered what you'd say, should this occasion ever come.
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I try my best to validate what she is feeling without pushing the conversation.
It was the perfect time to push the conversation! Instead, you play footsie and act as if she's totally pulled the wool over your eyes.
I am always more suspicious of the WW who suddenly starts showing physical affection to the H she has deceived and betrayed. She is using the physical touching to get you where she wants you. It's called manipulation, Pew. She wants to take everything she's done to you and sweep it under the rug.
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LH, I agree with needing her to feel remorse and she truly sounded like she was sorry for how things went down. I can also state the fact that he was still texting her all the time and asking her to go out and she was the one saying she couldn't because she was busy. I admit I snooped on her phone when her attitude started changing.
She is not being genuine, IMHO. Otherwise, why didn't she block OM, or tell him she made a terrible mistake by having an A and to never contact her again. Instead, she's keeping OM and her H dangling.
Pew, a woman can "sound" sincere when she apologizes. She can even squeeze out a few tears, if necessary. It doesn't mean she's remorseful. If your W was serious, she would ask for your forgiveness and tell you she was willing to do whatever you wanted, in order to save the M.
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I thought a lot about what you said and your right. I do seem to be walking on eggshells again. I do realize I need to have a talk with her about what has happened and where we go from here. Got to gather my thoughts and just do it.
That's why it upsets me to see her work you through the physical touching. It messes with your thoughts. As I recall, a few months ago, she started sitting closer to you on the couch while watching TV, and you started thinking about just riding out the A. This time, you start trying to convince yourself that she sounded sincere, or that she seems to be nicer, etc. When a H lets his wayward W back into the MR too easily, he will regret it. She's done nothing to work to get you back again, or to earn your trust......or anything, actually. She hasn't even ended contact with OM.
I know we kept telling you not to try to talk your way out of this mess, but don't go too far the other direction and let her back in the MR without talking about what you need from her. Do you even know what you need in order to feel safe in the M again?
If she is sincere, then she should end things with the OM......while in your presence. Absolutely no contact with OM ever again for life. Then, she should agree to a transparency plan (that you make). Once you are convinced she is not contacting OM and is being truthful with you, then going to a therapist that deals with couples healing from affairs, should be next on your agenda. I think couples need guidance as they piece their M back together.
However, Pew, I doubt your W is being genuine. I have seen several WW's make this same play, but none of them were authentic. For whatever purpose they had in keeping their M/home/family together, being a real W to the H wasn't a part of it. Once things calmed down, he would be friend-zoned and they would remain in a sexless/loveless M. So, the way your W is doing.....and you wondering if this is some type of baby steps to reconciliation?..... It just doesn't work that way. You can't pretend an affair never happened by not addressing it. And, frankly, that is what every WW would prefer......to just stay where she is and not have to talk about the affair. That way, she doesn't have to take ownership. It's much easier for her to blame everything (including the A) on her H, and feel justified, and twist things around ("I don't know that I can trust you"), and continue playing him for a sap.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for the smack of reality. You are right that I caved once she started behaving like this. How would you advise handling the much needed conversation since I put myself in this position? I have to admit I do feel like an idiot at this point.
However, Pew, I doubt your W is being genuine. I have seen several WW's make this same play, but none of them were authentic. For whatever purpose they had in keeping their M/home/family together, being a real W to the H wasn't a part of it. Once things calmed down, he would be friend-zoned and they would remain in a sexless/loveless M. So, the way your W is doing.....and you wondering if this is some type of baby steps to reconciliation?..... It just doesn't work that way. You can't pretend an affair never happened by not addressing it. And, frankly, that is what every WW would prefer......to just stay where she is and not have to talk about the affair. That way, she doesn't have to take ownership. It's much easier for her to blame everything (including the A) on her H, and feel justified, and twist things around ("I don't know that I can trust you"), and continue playing him for a sap.
this is exactly how it works with WW... there is nothing new under the sun... but LBH all want to believe their wives or their situations are different... i can think of a few LBHs on the DB boards now who are in this very situation you spelled out... my H and i did some sweeping under the rug during/after my affair, and all this resulted in were false starts...
It's difficult to tell someone how to have a particular discussion, b/c it seldom falls just the way you plan. All I can do is give you an idea of the main direction in the discussion.
First of all, it needs to be about your feelings, Pew. You are always jumping in there to validate her feelings, but this talk needs to be different. And don't walk on eggshells. You are the one that was betrayed.
Second of all, you are giving her an opportunity to come clean and admit to having an affair.......and to be honest about her intentions toward the MR.
Did you say anything else about her apology? Did you just kind of pass it off........as if to say, "Oh, that's okay"?
I would probably start out by telling her you appreciate the fact she offered an apology for "everything", but in order to move forward, you need to know her intentions about the MR. If she doesn't tell you anything, say something like, "You have initiated cuddling and other physical touching. It has been very nice, but I need o know where you stand, b/c I don't want guessing games".
I think she'll tell you that she just wants to pick up where things left off in the relationship, ot that you'll just have to wait & see how things go b/c she doesn't know. She may give some other similar answers, but either way.......it's not good enough. Remember, you are the one in charge of this conversation.......so don't let her throw you.
That's when you tell her that you have been really hurt and in order to heal.......you need her total honesty.
In other words, you are giving her a chance to tell you about the affair. I mean, you've already let her know you are aware of OM. So, if she plays innocent......or if she starts getting angry, you'll know the whole apology was her playing games.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
