MLC? WW? Both?

[Jim1234]

Anyway, I'm going to try to get proof of the EA/PA and move her out of the MBR. Not sure if I should talk to the OM's W or not, if I do get the proof. Open to suggestions there. Thanks again for your post.

That's not an issue I've dealt with, and I could be wrong, but I believe the consensus is not to snoop. Others will chime in, I'm sure.

Focus on being the best you can be. Take care of your kids, and get a life (GAL). You are going to need to focus on some of your desires for two main reasons, to help keep your sanity during these troubled times, and to recover some of your own joy in life. It will have the side effects of making you more interesting to your W, or some other woman if she does leave, but, and this is important, do not do things because you think your W will notice or care.

You've got a long road ahead. Keep posting. You will probably find that venting here helps, and there is lots advice on other's threads that will help you. This process could take a long time, so be prepared for that.

Just remember, pursuing her will not help you, and will probably push her away at this point. It's hard, but in connection with that, try to detach.

[Verum]

Anyway, I'm going to try to get proof of the EA/PA and move her out of the MBR. Not sure if I should talk to the OM's W or not, if I do get the proof. Open to suggestions there. Thanks again for your post.

That's not an issue I've dealt with, and I could be wrong, but I believe the consensus is not to snoop. Others will chime in, I'm sure.

I suggest you try to verify whether she is cheating, and once you have proof, then Yes, IMMEDIATELY stop snooping. You need proof because your W will deny it, she will probably even deny it in the face of proof.

If she is in a PA, then I would move her out of the MBR. There needs to be repercussions.

I think it worthwhile contacting the OM's W, but don't necessarily expect too much. I have seen sitches here in which the OM's W has done nothing or doesn't believe you.

[Vanilla]

My own view is you need INTEL to know if WW is in an EA or PAYPAL or if there is an OM. Then stop beyond this is snooping. If you snoop you get poop, stuff you didn't really want to know and will upset you or things will be dressed for your eyes or...........

So don't, in your case you think you have identified the POM. It could be he actually isn't interested in your WW, it's one sided. I am minded of MCS sitch.

Tell POM W? Opinions are divided on it. Some have strong views that an A should be blown and exposed. This is premature in your case, as you don't yet have full INTEL.

I suspect it's so. That means trouble ahead.

This should stop it's inappropriate in my view and a boundary defined. I dont care how much the POM 'gets her'. It's something outside of your M.

Those who repair their M early do so my having strong boundaries.

I am also different in that I don't believe MLC truly exists, wayward behaviour oh yes. But is that mental illness? Not in my book. Wayward is as wayward does. It's bad willfull behaviour which has to be addressed.

So far you condoned her 'getting comfort' in her bereavement,that's what paid counsellors are paid for. I don't believe bereavement is an MLC trigger, although it can change beliefs leading to erratic behaviour.

It's time to define your boundaries.

What are they?

Remember a boundary has to be clear concise and enforceable. Centred on things you can do.

For example WW will stop seeing OM is not a boundary. But if WW doesn't cease seeing OM then I will ask her to move out of the MBR is. If you can enforce it. Sometimes moving out of the MBR gives more space for an EA in terms of privacy to text etc.....

Once an A is I earnest M counselling won't help you, it can be used to ease out of an M.

Be strong, examine your own behaviour in this.

What are your goals?

What are your boundaries?

V

[Vanilla]

That should be PA not PAYPAL. Damn auto text.

[Vereo]

Thanks NicoleR. Sadly, Christian marriage resources are way down the road for her, if ever. She's so far from God right now and felt convicted whenever we had discussions that involved Him. That said, I'm devouring everything I can!

[Vereo]

Jim1234. Thanks for the feedback. The reason I need the proof is that she will not admit to either an EA or a PA. Like many WW, she's painting me in a bad light when we have discussions and she's picked up extra hours at work that makes her eligible for insurance now. My concern is my kids. I want to have the proof in case it will help my custody situation in case things go in the worst possible direction.

Don't get me wrong. That is a contingency plan. I'm not sure what I'll do if I do get evidence.

[Vereo]

Thanks Fastcars,

But why only kick her out of the MBR if it's physical? For me, the EA is more painful than a physical connection.

[Vereo]

Vanilla,

Agreed on the Intel. I tend to disagree on the MLC reality. When someone turns their back on their loved ones, does a 180 in nearly every emotional and relational area, and literally acts like an alien had abducted and replaced them, I have to believe that there's been an emotional or a mental break.

My goals are to first save my MR and then get to the business of rebuilding it.

Short term goal is to get proof while staying detached. Lay down the boundaries once I have the proof and let her decide how she wants to proceed with it marriage. There is no way that I'll be able to change her feelings and I'm totally focused on getting my life back so that I'm ready for anything that may come.

Now to decide what to do about our MC if I do prove that she's active in an A

[Vereo]

Rough day today. She goes to the same gym as the POM and they were there at the same time again today. I saw when I drive by after church. :-(

Then she put her phone away abruptly a couple times today when I walked in the room where she was. I checked her phone the other day and she has Facebook Messenger secret conversations enabled on her phone. That's point to point encrypted conversation with the option to self delete seconds after the other person reads it. There is no good reason to have that on your phone unless you're up to no good imo. It's disabled by default so she purposefully turned it on. I know snooping is not party of the program but I have to get proof before I can get to that point, if only to help in my potential future custody feud.

I'm staying the course by not reacting to her deceptive behavior. Saddens me that my family is at risk of so much devastation because she does not want to put the work in on our marriage. This A fog, if that's what it is, sure is a strong force.

I had my sister order the books (DB & DR) for me from her Amazon account today. I didn't want W to see these on our account for sure. I'll be digging into them as soon as I can.

Even tho I know God has me in His arms, I still get actual physical chest pain when I find new areas of her deception. I love this woman so much and for her to lie straight faced to me is the worst emotional pain I've felt in my life. She was such a good woman just a bit over a year ago. I'm baffled by the change. That's why I believe in the MLC wholeheartedly. Her break had a lot to do with her controlling parents, I think. She has tried to please them since she was a child. I think the recent death of a young family member has triggered a review of her life and she doesn't want to live it for someone else as she feels she's done for the last forty plus years. This, of course, is not true. She is a strong and independent woman and had been since I've known her. But her break has clouded her mind from my perspective.

[Vanilla]

There is no diagnosis of MLC in the DSM. It is not a recognised disorder. It appears to be a colloquial expression for a basket of behaviours. Those behaviours are deliberate and entitled possibly consistent with personality disorders. Personality disorders are systemic and non resolvable.

MLC is not in the DSM.

V