A dear friend of mine wrote to me today saying "You know you will have moved on when you are defined not by where you have been, but where you are going".
I thought that would be nice to share.
In other gossip - I forgot to mention that I stopped by the book shop on Wednesday, bought a new calendar and had a nice chat with the owner. She was so startled to see me that sadly she spilled coffee all over the counter. No stock was damaged. She did seem quite pleased to see me and chat although the mess was an unfortunate side effect.
I put up my Christmas tree today and am very pleased. It is still shedding needles and the vacuum is kept close by. I'll probably start decorating it tomorrow. My friends at the bake shop around the corner were nagging at me that they wanted to be sure that I posted pictures on Facebook for them to critique. As usual when faced with something new, I've completely over-thought everything. The tree was lighter than I expected, S23 coincidentally happened to be available for me to put it in the stand and as of 10 minutes ago, the cats have not attempted to climb it. I expect that last bit to change. Many needles have been shed as expected and the vacuum cleaner is staying on standby.
I talked to S23 about the tree and we won't be putting any lights on it this year and will decorate with what we have. Since I split and purged the decorations box after last Christmas we don't have a lot. It will all be fine. I did ask him about his Christmas and New Year's plans which hasn't crossed his consciousness to this point. I have my bid in first for Christmas dinner with him I believe.
SIL1 is in full conspiracy mode about STBX and many messages have been composed by her to me about what is going on with her. She is still connected on Facebook and sees STBX online nearly constantly but not posting - presumably chatting with enabling friends. She expects this holiday season to be pivotal in if the Princess Fairy Land happily ever after happens but has a lot of doubt. It's entertaining to me (I would occasionally watch soap operas when younger) but I will admit that it doesn't cause me any real angst or emotion. As some would say - "not my circus" - but watching the circus is fun sometimes.
Ah well - enough nonsense. My second load of laundry is done, I have queued up the classic Alistair Sims Christmas Carol (the "only" version), pork chops are on the menu for dinner and yes - life is pretty darned good, especially in a house that smells like a Christmas tree. And yes - for those who have been playing along for some time, I picked up my first quart of "chicken milk" today along with a small bottle of rum for afters.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
You sound great. I know it's been a difficult time for you w/trying to get the legal things done, but you've managed to do so w/much dignity.
As for the tree...it will be beautiful w/o the lights. Everyone will enjoy it, especially your fur babies. At least you will not have to worry about them chewing the wires, i.e., the National Lampoon Christmas story whereby the cat chewed the wires and have an electrifying experience. LOL.
Hang in there! Your next chapter of your life's story is about to begin and who knows what the future will hold for you...but I'm betting on many positives in the coming year.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sounds like you are doing awesome. Glad the book shop lady and you were able to converse. No chemistry there?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie - thanks for the visit and kind comments. No - there was no chemistry with that lady. She's nice, smart and friendly - but that's it.
Venting time
As it comes up to Christmas and with all the divorce / settlement stuff front and centre I find myself up and down emotionally. Oddly, being a guy and all, my Christmas shopping is complete, D25 has received her parcel from me last week as well.
It was difficult being in the house by myself (S23 worked all weekend), listening to Christmas carols, trying to feel the jolly, missing having someone to share it with. I know that it's pointless to speculate but I imagine that tough as I have it, that my STBX has it worse. I (perhaps stupidly) drove by her apartment on Friday morning. Her car wasn't there but her guy's truck was with enough snow on it to indicate that it had been there since the prior day. I expect that she borrowed it to move the stuff and left her car at his place. There was a single set of footprints in the snow going up the stairs. She's alone too I expect. This is just crap. Fortunately I was ambivalent about the fact that she's still seeing her guy.
The real estate stuff should all be signed on Wednesday although the lawyer wants me to have title insurance - something I've never needed in the past. I did ask if they have seen the divorce papers yet and no they haven't but wanted the original of the marriage license which they were advised was in my possession. I sent them the scanned copy and advised them that the other party has the original, it was in a box marked "important papers" and in a folder labeled "wedding" (yes I was the organized one).
Since it was believed that I had that document I can reasonably assume that many of the boxes that were taken back in March haven't been opened. Knowing her tendencies, I expect that she is living, surrounded by the boxes containing a life that no longer exists.
Ah well - lunch time is just about over. Time to get back to work.
Thanks for listening.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Get out of the house to visit others to to explore by yourself.
Bundle up and go on a walk in the woods.
Hit the gym, the movies, a museum, volunteer, whatever your fancy...
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You have come so far in the past few months, it is really amazing. You should be so so proud of how far you come.
The holiday season is going to be a tough one for us all I’m sure. All these advertisements and songs about dreamy lovey Christmas. What’s getting me through is counting my blessings, there’s always someone worse off. What’s more, we have one of the greatest gifts, our children, self respect and our dignity.
I agree with gordie though, as tempting as it may be- don’t drive by her place. It’s only going to hurt you and put a dampener on your mood.
I do like that quote about relationships that have stemmed from affairs. I often think there’s that thought that would linger, and also you’d be a paranoid wreck knowing that if that person was willing to get involved with a married person, it could happen to you. I’m sure at some point, even a wayward would eventually have to swallow this pill of reality. Slowly, slowly eating away at them.
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Sweet Andrew, This time of the year is a little melancholic. Big hug to you and i am taking one from you aswell..
i was also struggleing this past week- end. Here is my way out of it. I bring myself back into reality by thinking of who ex-h has become. No way would i want this man as a partner. My family as it was will never be again and i will make it better. I only hurt myself by allowing my mind to drift away from reality.
I know you would not become her OM. I know it would not work if she begged to come back. Most time, the less we know of the other party, the better we are.
You' re doing great! See if you can create a new tradition for you and your son.. as easy as a new outing, recipe, drink, anything to make this moment special year after year. For us, it was inviting my kids's friends to decorate Christmas cookies. This year, they asked if we could do them again. ( they are 22, 19, 17 and 14 years old. Lol ) it obviously made an impact.
I' ll send you an invite if we do! You get to take them home! Lol
Cherry / Gordie - The driving past her place didn't hurt. It made me a bit sad for her that things don't appear to be working out. Odd as it may sound I do actually hope that things work out for her and that she does find her happiness. I know very clearly though that it is something I cannot do for her. In some correspondence from my lawyer today it seems that she has started the divorce process as per the agreement and I'm cooperating.
Try as I might I can't just turn off caring like a switch. Exquisite - you are correct. She isn't someone that I would want in my life and I can't imagine her becoming the sort of person that I would accept. It's tough as we all know to mourn the loss of a person when their body is still walking around. At least there will be no fresh hurt to deal with.
Westo / EquisiteToBe - Thank you both so much for the big hugs - sending them right back to you multiplied. That's the great thing about hugs, the more you give, the more there are. I read back to this time last year and I am absolutely doing better now. I have some certainty in my life. On Wednesday I have an appointment to finalize the real-estate portion of the deal and on December 20th I will be the sole owner of my home.
We are doing something new this year here. On Christmas Eve S23 and I will have some pork pies for a snack with a glass of sherry before bed. It relates to an alternate Christmas story called "Hogswatch" from a favourite author. My "real" tree is still standing complete with the modest complement of ornaments. By the way the needles were scattered when I got home, the cats have done some exploring. Having a real tree is another new tradition. I do indeed have a weakness for cookies though so if you see a middle-aged guy in a bow tie knocking at your door Exquisite - it may be me I'm still waiting for the peanut butter ones that Doodler promised me more than a year ago.
Well - time to make tomorrow's lunch and do up the dishes. There's supposed to be snow overnight. I believe that a white Christmas is pretty much guaranteed for me.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Try as I might I can't just turn off caring like a switch. Exquisite - you are correct. She isn't someone that I would want in my life and I can't imagine her becoming the sort of person that I would accept. It's tough as we all know to mourn the loss of a person when their body is still walking around. At least there will be no fresh hurt to deal with.
AndrewP I totally agree that this time of year gets us all a little nostalgic, if not melancholic. When you've married your best friend, and had babies, it's very hard not to hark back to great Christmases past and mourn their loss. Topping it off by having to mourn the loss of people we used to love when they're still walking around is indeed very tough.
I couldn't agree more that the people inhabiting the bodies of our exes are not the people we would find at all attractive. I am very impressed at the detachment you have found though. I cannot imagine actually, truly, really, not-just-mouthing-platitudes find myself hoping that my ex finds happiness with his OW (or anybody else for that matter). I think that in itself shows how remarkable you are. Good on you!
With maturity, compassion and empathy like yours, you're bound to end up in a way better space than your STBX, and indeed most people. May 2018 indeed be your year - and for the rest of us too!
