This place is theraputic but also depressing at times. Some people come and go I assume thinking there is a quick fix or they are just really trying to find some answers. I will say the longer it goes on the less hopeful I am and for many of us our conversations are just right around the corner.
I was just thinking about that yesterday. People find this place and are filled with hope that it is gonna restore their marriages. Try the “techniques” then are disappointed when it doesn’t work. It takes a long time to understand what DB is all about.
I was thinking of Hermes last night and how he is literally trying everything in his power to stop his D and the sad part he is most likely making it worse. Every minute to him must feel like he is falling of a cliff and he is desperately trying to grab onto something to break his fall.
Yeah the $hit is pretty brutal early on. In some respects getting cut off at the knee caps is much easier then limboing it for months.
I was kinda pissed this morning because my W didn't show up to our youngest basketball game. I thought about texting her to see what was going on but them I realized it is not my responsibility any more to remind her or track her whereabouts. She has the schedule so she can make her own choices. Usually she would send a text or email to let me know if she wouldn;t be attending knowing her she probably had a blonde moment. My D's where asking me if mommy was coming and I just told them I didn't know.
I am the polar opposite would never miss a game, always get them there 15 minutes before schedule, etc. I can't project my parenting ideas on to her.
Thanks Vaps....I appreciate the kind words. I am trying to stay stong the best I can. I still am doing some cycling but wish I knew why my W has not filed yet or followed through with it when she told me a month ago she was ready to push forward with mediation. I told her to let me know but she never responded at first I thought it was a good sign but now i'm not sure. I have been trying really hard not to mind read.
I will have to agree the BD was pretty shitty! I love doing things with my girls and I am very proud to be their single dad!
My W did text me about my oldest soccer game and showed up for it at 1She asked were our youngest was it and I told he ron a play date with another friend and that I took her over to their house after her basketball game this am. The totally forgot and apologized to me. I told her she didn't need to apologize to me and then she said well I need to apologize to her. I said yeah no biggie but she scored 6 pts she was really sorry and said she was sound asleep. The nice guy in me feels bad for next texting her to remind her or try to wake her up but again not my responsibility any more.
She was very talkative, touched me a few times. Discussed Christmas, she showed me something funny one of her students wrote to her and other small stuff like that. The D's and I are going to the local Christmas parade tonight with some family friends and I was really close to extending an offer but I didn't. Considering she has not committed yet to Christmas I didn't want to put too much additional pressure on her for anything else.
Wishing you knew what your W thoughts and motives is futile and damaging to your mental health. I know where you are emotionally, and trust me, dropping the rope is friggin awesome. In all honesty, you cannot do anything to "win" your W back, so it is more prudent to concentrate on yourself and your kids. You deserve it and your kids do also. Trust me, extra time and attention you give your kids will pay 100 fold. As will extra care you give yourself, physical and mental care... You need it, trust me, we all do (did)...
I think I miss the family more than my W but I think I have my feelings for my W stuffed deep down inside of me with a shield up around them for my protection. The longer this goes on the harder it is for me to visualize us back together again. I don't know though if I am thinking this way because I am really trying hard to move on emotionally or if I am just kidding myself. I do know that if she came back I would want to try. I know it is way too soon for her to attempt to come back and it would probably be more around the 1 yr to maybe the 1.5 year mark if you use the 1 mth for every year of marriage. So it would suck to throw in the towel now and not give this sitch the full opportunity to see what would happen. Does that make sense? On the other hand I battle my inner demons of she doesn't deserve me. That is what I struggle with internally at times.
V,
Thanks, I try really hard to not get into her head. I think at times thats what makes limbo difficult. Emotionally there are good days and some bad but the good is starting to out weigh the bad. I am starting to enjoy the down time without the kiddos around which makes me really appreciate them more when I have them.
I feel the same way - miss the family more than anything else. I do go through ups and downs where I miss W, which would make me feel down - but I've trained my mind to immediately think of her having a EA/PA which then totally breaks the sadness and I can stay balanced.
Ever since I told W in concrete terms that I don't want to be her friend, she's basically been NC with me as well. I am lucky compared to other that I don't get random messages from her about anything unless it's about kids. Part of me doubts whether NC is a good strategy because she felt neglected in the M and she always said that I would cut her out of my life. The thing is that the only 180 I can do is whenever I see her I am friendly and cool. But, not going to break NC because it's giving me emotional and mental protection.
I know what you mean that you would be willing to try if she came back, but the timeline is so daunting that we have to exercise great patience. I also wonder if she deserves me and it's hard to do anything with that thought right now.
I think I've come to the conclusion that the biggest piece that needs to be wrestled with is that we were 'rejected'. I think that if I can figure that beast then I will be alright. What are your thoughts on that J? Is the 'rejection' still playing some strong part in the feelings you have?
This place is theraputic but also depressing at times. Some people come and go I assume thinking there is a quick fix or they are just really trying to find some answers. I will say the longer it goes on the less hopeful I am and for many of us our conversations are just right around the corner.
I think people do learn her, they can express what's going on in their lives and their feelings freely, which many might not be able to do with friends and/or family. I also find it useful to see how my situation fits a pattern given how many men are here with 20+ year marriages experiencing the same challenges.
I will say that spending too much time here causes me to be more focused on my MR and problems than maybe I would otherwise be.
I dont think it is because I was rejected. I think I struggled with the reason why. The reasons she gave me were pretty superficial. I am a good guy, I provide for my family, I am good dad, my W told me I was the best sex she ever had. None of it adds up. I was active with the family, always there for them. The choices we made as a family where joint decsions. I did have a life outside with going to the gym, playing basketball 3 days a week, etc. She knows these things. We had a really good life.
She does come from a messed up childhood lined with a mom that was never there for her emtionally and parents she is not connected with. I heard Andrew P talk about a Chaos Kid which I believe my W is. Her family is messed up and I guess when we got married I thought I was the voice of reason, the reason that could help her overcome. Maybe it was the nice guy in me but what she valued was my stability and providing to her what she never had. A family unit.
There is a part of me, that no matter what she says, thinks that she will never D me. I am just being honest, laying it all out there. Part of me thinks that she can't do it. Like anyone my family is so sweet, so innocent, my girls are just incredibly awesome and innocent. I can't imagine her wanting to break that up. I am just being real. I know I go by J9 but my real name is David.
So I hold on to that, I hold on to my family and my strong moral conviction of seeing this to the bitter end. My W literally has no one. No family that she is close to, me and the kids where everything to her. My parents got D when I was in K and I always swore that I would never get D and that plays into my decisions.
I took my girls to the local Christmas parade tonight and it tore me up to be there with them by myself. You see all of familys there and it was kind of depressing when I think about my sitch and being there by myself. What can I say, I am a family man. Sure I love to hit the gym, ply basketball, etc. but at the end of the day my children and W are my world. I can't deny it, that is who I am. Not sure it can be changed.
I suppose that is why I have hung in there like I have. My strong family values, the love for my girls, the love for my W and the desire I have to do anything to keep them together. These are my truths. It is a crushing blow no doubt and I have done everything I can to try to understand where my W is at mentally, without getting angry, suppressing my own feelings, emotions, anger, etc. because at the end of the day that is what is most important to me.
I don't make emotional decisions, I am laid back, easy going which is what has maybe helped me on this journey. I struggle at times but at the end of the day, for some reason, I have faith my W that she will rise above and be able to see what she has to lose.
Maybe I am wrong and at the end of the day she will let me down and she will have the ability to follow through and see this through to D. I am almost 7 months in and she has yet to pull the trigger. Why? I have no idea but there is a part of me that believes that she can't do it.
Maybe I have been in denial, maybe I need to face the truth that D is going to happen. I know the reality of the situation is that more than likely it is going to happen but I still refuse to believe. Maybe I am clinging on to hope, maybe denial, maybe I get emotional because it is the holiday season , not sure. She can file or appraoch me at any time to start the process but she has not done so.
What I struggle with is could I love her the same. Has our innocent love have been forever jaded. My anger, contempt and resentment has been buried deep inside me and can that be overcome?
