Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 3

[Gordie]

Good weird or bad weird?

[AndrewP]

Thanks for stopping by and the kind words everyone.

Good weird or bad weird?

Weird weird. This is something that I've been seeing on the horizon for roughly 100 weeks now. I've been preparing, planning and running a whole gamut of emotions about this. Since I'm probably well known here for bad analogies, I'll try one.

I grew up on a farm. Not a very prosperous one and we weren't very good farmers. Cleaning out the stables was a job that nobody liked and we would put it off. I just looked up the Wikipedia article on the fifth labour of Herculeas - might be an interesting read for you Gordie. Eventually someone had to clean the stables and sometimes (to my young self it seemed like mostly) it was me. The job took days of heavy dirty work but I still remember looking at the stable afterwards with a feeling of satisfaction until that first "plop" from one of the horses or pigs.

What I think that I'm trying to say is that this isn't something I wanted to do or that I wanted to be involved in in any way - but it was a job that was placed in front of me and so I've done my part to the best of my abilities.

((equisitetobe)) - You know that I love pies, hugs and stories. I had a call with D25 last night and we talked about me maybe trying to make a meatloaf pie. I still have one Pillbury crust left over from the last pie I made. Cooking shows are one of her guilty pleasures and so she had some thoughts about how to do it. I may just do an apple pie for Christmas with a crumble top though. S23 likes that sort of pie and even though covered pies are my preference it would still be pie.

Job - Thank you. The future is open to me and it doesn't look as scary as it might thanks to your guidance on this path.

OwnIt - Indeed

Coly23 - Thank you so much Coly. We have all changed and grown through our journeys here. I am glad you have been walking beside me on it.

Cwtch ((Westo)) right back to you.

Journaling

A busy weekend ahead. Now that I have the signed agreement in hand there is paperwork that I can submit to Canada Revenue to decrease my income taxes for next year. I am taking off Tuesday and Wednesday next week. On Tuesday I'll be getting the first laser treatment to remove the "true love knot" tattoo that I designed and wear on my right wrist. It will probably take a few zaps and several months to fade it into invisibility. On Wednesday I have an appointment with my bank in the morning to sign the paperwork for my new mortgage. I'm glad that I did my advance planning and involved them in that because this is just a formality as I was pre-approved. In the afternoon I have an appointment with my insurance agent where I will get a new critical illness policy that will cover the support payments in the event that I fall ill and can't work. According to the agreement I need to sign over one of the smaller life insurance policies as irrevocable for the life of the support. STBX is obliged under the agreement to to release that when the agreement expires on my 60th birthday. On Thursday STBX will do her last pass through the house while I'm at work guided by S23. After that, anything left is mine to do with as I see fit. The lawyers were rather surprised how obliging I've been about this but it's just stuff. And stuff doesn't matter.

Since it is the first weekend of the month, much cleaning will be done. I'm also going to start Christmas decorating. The village Christmas parade is on Sunday evening and I'll record it on my car's dash-cam as usual and post it up to Facebook so that my D25 can see it. The tree will probably wait for another week as I am getting the "real" tree that I've always wanted this year. I mentioned to D25 that I had purged the ornaments last Christmas putting the ones I didn't want around me into a box that STBX picked up in March so she may be sending me some.

I was talking to S23 last night as he was making his dinner and the subject of his mother came up and I think I've realized something. I believe that he is confused as to why I'm not "over it". I've read that about other situations where there are adult children as well. He's a great guy and has a kind heart, but I think that like his mother that he doesn't have the deep empathy that I and his sister have. He is still uncomfortable about the idea of me dating I believe - he certainly looks uncomfortable and that's perfectly understandable. I don't think he needs to worry about that too much in the near term. One thing that holds me back is the image of an overnight visitor encountering him wandering around the house in his boxers with his hairy belly sticking out

[Gordie]

AP,

Sounds like you have done a good job of finishing the business side of things. Weird weird? Good one. And shoveling the stables? You are Hercules in my book! Yes, and agree overnight guests and children living with you seem like a bad mix.

[AndrewP]

Two steps closer. Tuesday I had the first laser treatment to remove a tattoo I got a few years ago to commemorate my devotion to my wife. It will take a few more to fade it away. Yesterday (Wednesday) I signed the paperwork for my mortgage and signed over one of my insurance policies to my STBX. The house will close on December 20th unless there are any bumps. I did talk to my insurance agent about supplemental critical illness coverage to cover support payments if I get ill, but the premiums were pretty significant. I have to think hard about that one.

STBX was supposed to come a while ago to pick up her remaining stuff but didn't until today. Today we got the first noticeable bit of snow making things a bit more difficult perhaps. I had cameras set up in the home office and the bedroom.

When she and S23 walked in to the office she was talking about cameras and looked startled when she was shown it - an old laptop - which quickly had the lid closed and stopped recording video but still recorded audio. Before that I saw her take some souvenir postcards from our first Cuba trip and a picture of what was then S2 and Santa. I then heard her in a very angry voice give instructions to S23 about some property she wasn't taking telling him that he wasn't to allow me to sell it. The overall impression was one of barely suppressed rage.

She was similarly put off by the more obvious camera in the bedroom when she went in and rustled around drawers. S23 shrugged and did nothing.

I am a bit confused on her taking the souveniers and some of the other items which have an attachment to me and her former life, but "don't try to understand crazy".

Based on where S23 was according to the Life360 app we use, she was in the house for a bit over an hour and then 15 minutes at her apartment to unload.

When I got home S23 was home, his shift having been canceled due to weather and there was a list on the table itemizing the things taken, but "not" the items I saw her take on camera (sigh). Poor S23 had been obliged to sign the list as a witness and it had justifications next to many of the items. I thanked him for his help, made sad noises about a nice casserole dish that I liked having been one of the things removed. I feel bad about him having to be the intermediary but even in hindsight he was the ideal choice and I think he took his responsibilities seriously.

It makes me sad seeing this tired angry woman who could have had a very different life. I have no clue if she will be getting her "happily ever after" with her guy or not but at this point I would suspect that she isn't going to. There is something I was reading on another site that stuck with me about relationships based on infidelity. Even though they may be all happy on the surface, underneath it all is the thought which may come out of "I destroyed my family for you!" Even without my faulty mind-reading turban I would imagine that is her life at present.

I'm presuming that at this point that everything is my fault and that I have been a horrible person throughout this. I will sleep soundly in my bed tonight, in the home I have with my family with my son snoring loudly in the next room confident that I have nothing to regret. Perhaps one day she will get the back-yard pool and hot tub she always coveted, a shiny muscle car and tropical vacations. It's certainly not the life she has had for the last nearly 2 years and there is no indication that she is moving out of her apartment over the liquor store any time soon even with the large chunk of cash she is getting in a few weeks.

I was chatting online with SIL1 who is still monitoring STBX's social media. The formerly rather chatty woman (STBX) has had radio silence since the start of last month and had kept a low profile even before that. She does show as online and chatting on messenger - I'm sure telling people what a dump this place is (google shabby but neat for Rocky and Bullwinkle fans <smile>)

According to the terms of the settlement, the divorce papers are to be filed by her within the next week or so. If the timing works out, I will sign those on the 20th when I go up to do the real-estate stuff at my lawyer's office.

For any sailors out there, I do feel that I have rounded a mark and am adjusting sail for a fresh tack. Sailing is sometimes described as the fine art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense. I am perhaps on the last leg now and just need to keep a steady hand on the tiller and a eye on the tell-tales to watch for any shifts in the wind. I think I can see the shore.

[bttrfly]

yes, Andrew, and we are all here on shore, shining a light to continue to illuminate your path. You're almost home xoxoxo

[Gordie]

Why did you put up the cameras?

[job]

Andrew,

I am glad the home visit is over and done with. They do tend to take things that remind them of their past life. Mine wanted all of the vacation photos, which 85% of them had me in them. He also wanted a cross stitch picture that I had just completed and I had framed (after he had left 2 years previously). It's whatever strikes their fancy at that time...but they will keep those items and look at them from time to time just to remind them of what they once had. The same goes with cards, notes and, yes, wrapping paper. There is no rhyme or reason for what they do in our eyes, but they know what they are doing in their eyes only.

It's good that the cameras in place because you may not have noticed things missing when you returned home until much later.

Hang in there...January begins a new page in your life's story.

[AndrewP]

Why did you put up the cameras?

Years ago I had a webcam pointed at the street that was available on my personal website. A surprising number of people enjoyed it but when I took that site down after the server died I never bothered reactivating it but always thought it was fun.

A month or two before bomb-day I found free software that could power an old cell phone I had laying and fiddled around with that much to the annoyance of STBX who seemed unreasonably paranoid about her voice being recorded. I did have it running on the public internet for a while in fact from one of the front bedrooms where it wouldn't have picked up any conversations anyway.

Then when I was living alone and away from the house for 14 hours a day I turned it in to a free security system which recorded STBX's last visit to the house last March when I was out of the country.

I made a point of having them running yesterday and watching the inside of the house as a deterrent and perhaps because I'm a bit of a b@st@rd. I couldn't stop her from doing whatever she wanted but knowing that it was recorded and that I could see, may or may not have made a difference in how she conducted herself. In the unlikely event of us having to go to court I have lots of evidence on how she conducted herself around the house when I wasn't there as she was making unilateral decisions on taking stuff.

Now they are back to the way they were and I can check to see what the local weather conditions are from 170km away at work. They only cost me electricity so "what the heck".

[exquisitetobe]

Oofff.. eventho i understand the reason behind the cam, it give me goosebumps.
A flash back into my story.( trigger for me ).
Your reference to the mirror: As ex-h was having his affair, he was convince i was having one and was desperately trying to catch me so his would be justified. He taped my phones, he used the kids to download ALL files and folders from our computer, He stoled the rolodex containing all passwords, he track my truck and provided phones to the kids with locations "on" in all programs he kindly installed for them.
He informed me one day to keep an eye on my picture windows( cathedral ceiling ) for cams because" we never know, there are some crazy people out there") ( his exact words)
He wanted me to be paranoid and it worked. Everytime neighbours would report seeing him around the neighbourhood, i would inspect the property. I saved a journal i wrote containing dates and times of visits, reasons, moods and conversations. I also saved all of the answering machine messages showing clearly his rapid and crazy cycling. I kept his tapping devices i have found.
As i am writting this, i shake my head.. why on earth did i NOT put a restraining order against him and have the law force him to get help before allowing visitations.. WOWWWW!!! and i call myself the sane one!!

Anyway.. it is far behind and that is where it should stay from this day forward..

Sorry for the highjack!

Andrew, you are one step closer to a brand new chapter. It was long overdue for her to do her walkthrough. I' m glad it is done and that it went well!
It must be a huge weight off your shoulders and off your son' s. It is not plaisant but must be done.

I like following your story. The boat, the shore, the waves... You are handleing things marvelously! I admire you!

[AndrewP]

Oh my (((equisitetobe))) - I'm so sorry for triggering you. I've only read some of your more recent threads and know you had a very tough time of things. Definitely not a highjack. This is an important perspective because I am sure that many LBS has been stalked possibly including myself.

I am pretty sure that my STBX had a huge fear and distrust of me and perhaps still does even though it is unfounded both in past and present actions by me. From my past posts you probably know that I have the technical skills necessary to do the sort of things your ex did to you and at one point when I changed the Netflix password my STBX commented in an email that she was worried that she had been hacked.

I've always believed that you should never do anything you are reluctant to explain to your Maker, your auditor or your wife. When I first installed the cameras I offered her the passwords and connection information and only got silence in return from her (here I was chastised <smile>). But a big part of my DB "strategy" was to go the extra distance to prove that I could be trusted and relied on despite what she had done.

Distrust doesn't come easily to me and it makes me uncomfortable. However I'm not stupid - well - not always stupid. Putting the cameras up seemed like a wise precaution and since she had been offered access to them and since they were generally pretty obvious I didn't have any moral qualms about them. I too have files of text messages between us, the original infidelity evidence from when I went on to the computer that she had left logged in to Facebook Messenger, house security camera footage etc, all carefully stored away. I am so looking forward to the day when the divorce is signed off and I can purge that toxic waste from my environment but I know that I need to keep it for now in case things go off the rails. I'm too much of a pessimist to just believe in other people's promises. I am also confident that she kept every card I gave her, every note I wrote in trying to woo her back. I recall telling my lawyer that I had no fear of anything she had "on me" even if it was from this site.

You are very right though in that I do indeed feel a huge weight off of my shoulders. Unless things get torpedoed, there is only one final mark to weather and that is my signing off on the divorce papers which she is obliged to have filed within the next week or so.

An aquaintance of mine on another forum had a "freedom" party when his own situation was sorted out. I am probably going to just get myself a new bowtie to commemorate it that I can wear and look at and know that I have survived and as roist would say - thrived.