If you're not on the divorce train, then don't even meet with her. Make her do all the work and file. Time is your friend and not your enemy. You don't have kids to worry about, so it's not like this situation will affect them. Just do you, work on you, let HER push all of this along, and don't give her any ammo to make her want to.
When you are saying "No R talks"... what does that look like? How do you get past her asking directly, "what do you want", or "why haven't you been talking to me", those types of questions?
B/C I am not supposed to say I do not want a D again, or express my boundaries (about the OM) again. I am just having trouble compiling my thoughts on how to answer those types of questions.
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
she moved out on you, right? she is still in touch with OM... nothing has changed as far as your situation goes since she moved out on 9/1... what is there to talk about? the only thing that has changed--and this is significant--is you... you are not, for the most part, letting her manipulate you... she wants both worlds... she doesn't get to have that...
from the beginning of your posting here, in your very first thread, when she first got back in touch with you, she talked about filing, and how she was sorry it got to this point, and how it was best for the both of you--you deserve the world... and look, 4 months later--she is still trying to manipulate you withe "filing the papers." it's ridiculous, Chris... you do deserve the world... but she doesn't really think that... that sentiment was disingenuous... what she wants is two worlds... one as a single woman, and the other--not as your wife--but you as her husband...
even when she agreed to stop following OM on FB, her attitude was gross... something like, "okay then, i deleted him... (are you happy now???)" like she is doing you a favor... and you let her get away with that... you let her treat it so lightly, mockingly... that's BS...
and she insults your intelligence by thinking she can get back in your favor while still staying connected to OM... she does not think very highly of you... she doesn't want what is best for you... she wants what she wants... in her world, she is the sun, and the world revolves around her... YOU, Chris, revolve around her... that's what she is used to, that is what she wants back... in essence, this is all temp-checking on her part... does she still have you where she wants you... that is what today is about...
so does she? if you refuse to be that guy, then don't be that guy... don't let her rule you... be you--in the moment... and in the moment--you are not the Chris from the old, dead marriage... you are the Chris who is someone only a fool would leave...
B/C I am not supposed to say I do not want a D again, or express my boundaries (about the OM) again. I am just having trouble compiling my thoughts on how to answer those types of questions.
She already knows where you stand, Chris. I don't understand why this causes so much fear that you feel you don't even know what to say to her. She is the one who wanted to "talk", so let her talk. (As long as she doesn't start dumping b.s. on you). Why are you worried about what you should say?
What's to say in a R talk that hasn't already been said? How does it look not to have a R talk? Seriously?
Maybe one word you did not use enough with her was, "No". Try that out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I got there and she started by small talking...asking me questions about my fam and how everyone was. I answered, but kept it short. Then some of the first words out of her moth was, "I didn't print off the papers, I was really busy at work"...
Again; it is so hard to paraphrase a conversation; but she expressed how she kept reaching out to me and I just never responded, or was short with her. So she is "trying" but I am not. I then explained how I am going through my process and part of that process was to ensure my safety, and her texts to me (when I would not respond) were all blame shifting, validation, and guilt tripping.
She explained how she didn't do more because she was still so hurt by my actions (b4 the BD). And I validated that; telling her of course, those emotions are valid, there was evidence that I was not a complete person. Then she asked why I came; and I said, I am not sure, I guess I wanted to express my boundaries in case they were not clear. I told her, part of my recovery was to get total transparency and no not be competing with OM.
Then she said, I told you when I was done talking to OM back in september. So I asked, "so ,you havint talked to him since"...pause..."I talked to him on my birthday". Now, I know shes lying to me. Then I asked, "how can I believe you, show me your phone records". She was like, "No, I am not going to do that".
I then got a bit to deep; and explained, "I am not going to be with somebody who didn't choose me; who would want to be with someone who doesn't choose them. I have such clarity now, and I see that I was total dependent on you for me feelings. That is not a healthy mentality for any relationship. And again, I will never tell you what to do, I am simply telling you want I need in order to think about reconciliation."
She began to tear up; and said "did you ever think that I am so hurt by your action, before all this". kind of went in circles... Again, I validated those...same as above. Then I said, ok if your serious show me your phone records, she said, I am not going to do that. That is when I got angry (i know...dumb); stood up and said, "its because you are still talking to him", grabbed me coat and said " i knew coming here was a mistake". Left
Called me twice on the way home. and texted" - giving an ultimatum like that in a middle of a convo is extremely immature; i understand I have to rebuild trust and would be willing to do that but I will not deal with you giving me ultimatums and treating me like sh!t if I don't want to oblige to them.
I texted back "I never gave you an untilm. I simply told you what I needed in orddr to think about reconcilation. from the first day I told you I would never tell you what to do or what to think. you have the ability to choose anything you like. This is just a part of my recovery, you do not have to do anything as i explaned.
She sent: "i told you I would be willing show you my records and then you left in the middle of the convo." "So are you dont talking again?" "alright chirs I really cant do this anymore" "i wanted to see you tonight to just hang out for once, and talk, and try to be close and see if there was till something there. I didnt want to get too much into anything bc i wanted to just have a night to try to be normal. We are both recovering and im so updet you just left like that bc i didnt show you my phone on demand. i dont know if there is anything repairable. you havnt been able to stay calm around me and you seem to always leave in anger an din a rush without just allowing the convo to evelop and happen." "Were both hurt and angry and trying to recover and its going to take pateince , respect, and understanding to move forward. i dont feel that from u for me. I dont feel that you love me anymore. and if that is the case then thats ok thats your choice but then please just say you want to end this." "Are you willing to come back and finish our convo?"
M:30 W:28 T:9 MR:2.5 NoKids Seperation 1: 9/16-12/16 Move back in: 1/17 BD: 8/15 She moved out: 9/1
