25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[joejoe1]

25,

Enjoy your life. You are putting too many expectations on yourself. How about, just going for it. If sex haooens it happens. One life, that's all we get.

If this man truly desire you, how about enjoy being desired. Also having sex doesnt mean you have to M him. You are doing good. Look like you are taking control of your life again.

This M is showing you that you are a priority in his life. He's thinking about you when he's making decisions. When he got his rental car and hotel, he was thinking about you. Think about that. You were on his mind while he was getting those things. Someone has 25 on his brain.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for the update. You sound like you're doing pretty well.

My $.02... It seems like you are taking this thing with M way too seriously. It's great that you get along, but you seem to be moving too fast in every way but sex. I fear you are getting too emotionally wrapped up in him too quickly.

funny you say that b/c I feel the total opposite. Not that I don't care for M or am not fond of him. I am.

But the sex comment was NOT about him, it was based on an old semi joking NYE' resolution to have sex in 2017. Some of the vets here (KML where are you?) may recall it. That was where the "how Stella got her groove back" movie reference was from.

M is not the guy for that ^^type of thing, but the R with him is well managed for me emotionally, at this point.

We do not intend to get intimate until after his D is final. I get it. He gets it. That may change if it drags out.

But I don't have that constraint, which I've been honest about.

I'm available to date other men But since G seems to want it to go to the next level and I feel ambivalent about him physically, even after 3 dates, I think it'd be unkind to keep going out with him.


The other questions I'm asking are mostly provoking discussions, and getting other's input. But thanks.

[25yearsmlc]

you guys do know I' waited a year to date at all

and met him in a support group where deep talks are had and speakers come and then later on, the group meets at a pizza parlor and has beer?

I mean, this is not some online guy I met for 4 lunches.

But I am very mindful of how distractingly appealing ANY r can be, let alone when we are wounded.

And I'm not healed and neither is he.


My "thing" is, okay put M on the back burner for now FOR HIS reasons since his 4 year sep won't end in divorce till Jan (unless it gets delayed again. Cross that bridge, when we get to it).

So for the immediate future M is someone who plans to date me after the first of the year when his D is final. Okay, I can tell YOU guys, I'm very fond of M, (truly)

but no way would I turn down a date with someone else if they came along and intrigued me. At this point. I'm trying to make this a year of saying YES to life and not worrying about every freaking step I take and how are the kids and will this cost too much, etc


but regardless of whether it leads to a nice long R of some sort, or not, LATER,

why am I having to be celibate now? Or just "not dating"?? Why not date now if I feel like it?

As long as I'm honest AND AS LONG as I am safe, what's the harm?

My honest question (though funny to me) is what one does with a "casual sex" partner afterwards??

Particularly if it was less than rewarding?

[kml]

My honest question (though funny to me) is what one does with a "casual sex" partner afterwards??

Do you mean immediately? You go home.

Longer term? If you're like me, apparently you keep them as friends! Lol

[Jim1234]

25, I think it's great you found someone you enjoy spending time with that shares some interests. I worry a little about it becoming your rebound relationship where you fall hard for him, but I'm glad to hear you are cognizant of it.

As far as casual sex, just like kml said, you go home.

[joejoe1]

Just be honest with that person. If you are not feeling a person. Don't string them along. Let them know how you truly feel and move on.

[25yearsmlc]

1 remark about dating notes here -

I'm using this as a journal for others and for myself.

And it helps me reflect before making a mistake.


and

3 questions about casual/serious sex

the "going home" afterwards isn't a problem ("oh, sorry, I have to go to Mass now, - at 4 am... See ya!")

but ^^^this means that the encounter is in HIS home, not mine. Which didn't hit me as being how it would occur. Hmmm.

2) AND YET the reality for me - as you may suspect - is that I doubt I'll find casual sex very appealing, sexually. Sure wasn't that way when I was young, b/c with one exception, I've never been with a man I did not love or think i loved. The one exception was with a guy I was dating.

Despite his age (28), and despite the fact that I know he cared for me, the encounter was "disappointing". Once "his party" was over, which happened really fast (but which I attributed to how - you know - appealing I was--,)

I assumed it'd be my turn, you know? But HE was tired and so he put his arm on me and fell asleep.

Then I realized to my horror/amusement, that the party was over for ALL of us - b/c it was over for him. For a guy courting me hard, and for it being our first time, that's amazingly poor judgement.

So in a sense, I use this^^ as an example as to what is likely to happen in a true ONS.
So why the appeal to me at all? I know the men are older and more experienced, but I'm not sure how big a deal that is now.

So why is there any appeal to it, for me?

Good question.

(And I admit if I were a man, I might feel differently, but only about the physical part).


This freedom is the first freedom I've had I'm my life. I am free to do as I wish. Be with whom I wish, and without judgement.


I met h when I was 19...Yes I had high school "love" (and it sure felt like love then, and I still recall it that way), but H threw off my dating game plan.

So a part of this is like I want to be invited to "the party", but not necessarily go to it...make sense?

So is part of the desire to date - to show H (or the world) that I am still desirable?
that I am not a discard? To even the score? It's something to bear in mind for sure.
In fact I bet a lot of 2nd marriages are related to this mistaken or unhealthy urge.

Finally, my DB friends, I remember everything every wise person has said about rebounds.

From my CA therapist who hammered it to me, who made me promise/swear not to marry the first man I dated -(which technically M is not, but I know her meaning)

to the local T who sort of said the same

"enjoy this R and if it's only a R that comforts you in the plane crash, so be it.

But if it also reminds you of who you are inside b/c you forgot all your good qualities

b/c you were given & came to believe some negative false feedback given by someone busy justifying his choices and checking out of the m, (but NOT giving you that memo)

if you now get authentic positive feedback from someone who matters to you -that IS valuable AND IS part of the healing process...

just don't think he's the only source of it, and now It's about being honest and NOT letting the projections get to you or M."

Most of us did a lot of projecting in our m's. Our hopes or our fears...


We projected onto our spouses that they were as invested in our m as we were.


For a LONG time, I did that. I believed h's lies b/c I projected MY VALUES on him and since I would not have lied, why would h? Why not believe him? This caused me to waste huge chunks of time in my life. Like trying to wrap my brain around HOW he could do all this behind my back

sort of like wrapping our brain around a martian's b/c we do NOT have the same values, obviously.

See the problem?

I don't want to project all these great qualities onto M that might not be fair or accurate (or healthy for me).

But I sure do get the appeal of the projections, as if you are in a DEEP REAL relationship far too soon, feels good! And that helps the small amount of insight I have into h replacing me so fast.

- it's much easier to avoid seeing wreckage or to doubt yourself - if there's someone in your line of vision who blocks out the bad images. Someone validating your choices and stroking your back and, whatever...
And now I can see the appeal of having a validating OP in your line of vision, validating you.

I get it.


I worry that one reason for wanting to date others and being "in a relationship" is the desire to show the world (or h) that I AM DESIRABLE! I'm not the rejected! I'm still worthy!

and yes^^I KNOW that's not healthy.

It's real & human, but ultimately not healthy. I know there is no contest, and if there were, I'd have my integrity, zero moral regrets. I'd know that I have not lost a loyal devoted h. But He lost a loyal devoted (funny) wife,

and I lost a lying cheat who was also smart and funny and well built, but he did not marry down in looks. He just resigned from the m without telling me, and had a head start on the new life.

H has lost more than me, whether he knows it or not. Not to mention the r's I have with our kids. But the only "contest" or equation that matters is what WE put on our side.

I'm getting happier and filling my life with a lot of new people and trusted long time friends. I'm back to GAL and I THINK I have a job offer coming. Don't want to jinx it.

Different area (finances) and barely above entry level, but with room to grow. Plus, btw, I need a job!


One last thing about dating - I don't see a high risk TO ME of getting badly hurt by letting someone in my heart IN TIME, or for forward emotional movement to occur,

b/c I cannot imagine being hurt as deeply or betrayed so horribly as I have been by h,

and yet I did not break.

[kml]

So in a sense, I use this^^ as an example as to what is likely to happen in a true ONS.
So why the appeal to me at all? I know the men are older and more experienced, but I'm not sure how big a deal that is now.

Boy, you're making a lot of ASSumptions about that theoretical one night stand.

Now to be fair - I'm not into the one night stand. I like to have some knowledge of the person I'm sleeping with, and at least the sense that there might be a repeat performance.

I've dated men that I knew the relationship couldn't go sny further - either because they were wildly age-inappropriate, or because they were love avoidant, or because (in one case) he told me up front he doesn't "DO" relationships. But that didn't stop us from having lovely, sweet hot and sweaty sex. Affectionate, fun and friendly sex.

Don;t be so worried. And don;t rush to fulfill that artificial deadline. I respect a guy for saying I can wait one more month and then feel like I have the self-respect that I didn't break my vow. That's not how I felt about it after all my ex put me through, but I respect the sentiment.

But don't put so much pressure on sex. Trust me, it'll be fun when it happens.

[Vanilla]

25

Been here and keeping reading along with your sitch

You are beginning to heal, nice to read.

But oh so still not detached, that muppet of an eX WH and schmoopie, will one day be a schmoozie and likely cheat

The G is apparently still with the BIT and keeps on going after money......

Oh well

And the BIT looks like an older version of V, didn't start out that way but she is now. I gave up bothering about them a long time ago but then I only had 4.5 years of it and 1.5 of very serious abuse.

I saved my life by getting out so it was worth the cost

Sad about your bruv that must really be a deep concern

Dating, well I haven't done that yet, a number of reasons, firstly I am in no position to do so, I am so so broke and deeply in debt. The judge awarded the G a big chunk of change and my legal bills are crippling. My head until recently has had no space. At 63 I have gone back to college to study law, I love It!

And I just don't find men my own age attractive at all, there is an off switch. It's not the sex, as V has very high drive indeed....

Part of it is the overweight, the excess white stuff on my body isn't pretty, it's horrid and lumpy. And whilst I lost quite a bit then I haven't been in the space to loose more. Aged ma had a long protracted illness and dementia and aged pa died recently of cancer at 96! I love my aged pa. I really love him. He comes first. So the dreaded white stuff is a psychological protective barrier. A big wall of protection, a little more than poor grooming but serves the same function. All of this reminds me I am mortal although I know I will make old bones, don't ask me how but I do.

The younger man Thing? I don't know but I don't lie about my age, it's out there.

Those who know me say I look a tiny bit when slim like Marilyn Monroe (flatterers) at least used to, and it's a look that has an appeal to a certain type of man. Yep, real blonde, which I hate, for years I died my hair dark so I would be taken seriously; now I don't care. The blonde is now splashed with silver. How do you know if someone likes you not your look? Again the white stuff serves that function. Oh and I attract the younger man; I look younger than 63, in the way that aged pa looked like he was in his 70s rather than his 90s. He was handsome, slim and a great dancer. He had no wrinkles at 96, just laugh lines.

I get the dancing thing, as I love dancing, I jive and salsa and SLIC. So that is where I started again, you can dance with someone for two minutes, the length of a song enjoy it then move on and that's delicious, and the opposite sex with all types and ages. Dancing has broken my aversion to being touched, for nearly three years I couldn't bear any male contact, (other than aged pa or clever nephew). Not even shaking hands. It made me wince and bolt. Not good.

I was asked on a date and at the last minute backed out.

I have a male friend who tells me he loves me and has done so for 20 years, but I don't see him as a life partner and besides he would get too serious too soon. Can't cope. So the casual thing I could cope with although going to a date's home would be very frightening for me. I think a hotel for a night would be my choice. That is the way I will break my fast. It's time to lose the weight for the all important Xmas seduction season. Maybe I should be brave, grab the nettle and just get on with it. I scrub up well and the white stuff isn't as much of a problem on casual.

I like sex, no wait I love sex. And my body switches on pretty quickly, hmmmmmm

Anyone who says that goes as you get older is fibbing.....

Yeah, 25 go for it, don't get bogged down by age too much, although being repelled by boring is different. The G couldn't dance although my lovely H1 (who died) was an amazing dancer, dancing with someone is so so so enticing. Glam sis is a great dancer and she says it improves her tennis too as a side benefit, I doubt it would improve my studies in the same way although I could squirm better. It's time I think to get out there, I might tell myself if 25 can then so can I.

25 you are doing just great.

V

[Jim1234]

Don;t be so worried. And don;t rush to fulfill that artificial deadline....... I respect the sentiment.

But don't put so much pressure on sex. Trust me, it'll be fun when it happens.

Lots of wisdom here ^^^^^. I'm glad to hear you have thought things thru about rebounding. I worry less for you now.

I hope you get the job! How exciting! It sure sounds like things are turning around for you!

If you decide you want to just scratch that itch, a few suggestions, which are probably obvious, but you never know...

USE PROTECTION!!!!!!

Do it at his place, so you can leave when you want to.

If he tries to fall asleep afterward, tell him explicitly what you want him to do. Most guys will be delighted, and happy to oblige. Those that do oblige can get another visit days or weeks later, those that don't, don't.

Or don't really let him start until you finish.

Don't spend all night. Cuddle for a while afterward, then tell him you really have to get home. You'll both feel better not waking up next to each other in the morning.

Consider talking to him about your expectations, both immediate, and short term.

USE PROTECTION!!!!

You can meet some stud at a bar and go home with him, or go on a date first so there's at least some connection beforehand. I suggest the date first.

Consider letting him chase you; men like that. But if he isn't, tell him straight up you want to go to his place and get laid.

oh, and USE PROTECTION!!!!

Good luck.