My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[NicoleR]

Caz,

You mentioned your husband's texts last week. It may be helpful to analyze them more and try to detect a trend. Is he more responsive during a certain time of the day or week, or during certain occasions (like holidays)?

You know there have been some new threads here in the last week or two that seem to be from people writing from your husband's perspective. Like "I ignored her requests all those years and now she's leaving and I think it's too late..." Maybe you need to consider whether you want to let this situation drag on or whether you want to tell your husband you're ending it, and actually do it, or see if it awakens him to change right before you file for divorce and possibly open a window towards reconciliation. It seems there's the soft approach, which may not bring about major change, or the drastic approach, which may work. Either way you need to make sure you're executing either approach properly. It seems the DB book offers guidance but it's not so specific about situations where the spouse lives and works in another country most of the time and the marriage is already long-distance under 'normal' circumstances. Maybe a DB coach or your own counselor could help with that.

I'd love to visit Glencoe. I hope you can someday live in a cottage in the countryside. I'd love to have a 'stuga' in Sweden, a summer house, or a cottage somewhere in rural Europe. Here in the US we have a lot of beautiful places but sometimes there's a certain combination of elements that we don't have here that only exist somewhere else. Like a certain level of humidity, landscape, climate, architecture, and climate. Here in North America I find the Quebec region of Canada to be beautiful, particularly around Quebec City. Have you been to the US?

I hope the holidays do bring about positive change for either your marriage or for you on a personal level. There are still a few weeks for you to plan your strategy for your husband so hopefully you'll feel confident about what you choose and it'll work for you!

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole, thanks for visiting!

To answer your question, I guess I thought my H and I were in the LRT arena. I mean we agreed a separation was for the best and I told him it wouldn't be half measures like last time...ie no sleeping on the sofa or my bedroom at the weekends to make it easier for him to see the kids.

I guess deep down I thought he would see this as a wake up call...and even though I meant it, I had hoped he'd think 'cr&p I need to sort this out and make my wife feel valued'.

I should've known better, he's gone off to Germany and taken root there, work is the air he breathes, we, mainly me, are not that important to him on a day to day basis. He is very capable of shutting me out as though I don't exist.

His texts today are robotic and interpersonal. I do read the guys on here who would do anything to change and are changing...the difference being, my H doesn't feel that need to change for us, but more especially for me.

I've been feeling good for a couple of weeks, and then today I feel low, tired and worn out. It's all just hard work, and today happiness is elusive. I will feel better again, I have my IC session tomorrow which will help.

I suppose what I should've said is that if I file, he will just carry on as business as usual. He either won't or can't or doesn't want to let it bother him. I don't know which and my IC believes my H likes to keep me in that mind set. Which beggars the question...why am I letting him get to me today?

I feel I've come a long way and eventually I will file, but at the moment I'm not sure what is the right thing to do...so I will just keep on doing my own thing, get the house looking great and concentrate on my business. And plan for my cottage in the countryside with my dogs. My boys know I'm feeling low today and I've been treated to an early dinner, tea and biscuits...I feel I've got something right at least. Two boys (20, 23) who are empathetic, affectionate and just nice people.

I hope you realise your dreams too Nicole...come visit and we'll walk the highlands together!

[Caz49]

I forgot to add, yes I've visited the US. We've been to Colorado, Breckenridge...absolutely beautiful. It was in the winter, so stunning, but I'd love to go back in the early summer and walk the trails and mountains.
I've been to Florida, and New York a few times too. My children love New York and I enjoyed it but preferred Colorado with it being more laid back and less frenetic.

We've been to Italy, Spain, Portugal, Barbados and Grand Caymans. We've been fortunate to be able to travel to some lovely places and they've all been special in their own ways.
I've always wanted to visit Canada, it's on my wish list. Life is all about dreaming!

[NicoleR]

Caz,

It sounds like you've done what you can. It's really hard. It doesn't sound like your husband is an easy one. My counselor and psychologist say my husband is distracting himself to avoid dealing with the issues. Perhaps your husband is doing the same. Surely your husband is aware of his behavior at some level.

I don't blame you for feeling low. That is so wonderful though to have your sons. That's sooooo nice they treated you to dinner!

I wish this forum would let members know each other's contact information but I don't think that's possible. I really do plan to tour more of the UK sometime in the next few years and would honestly be happy to meet you! But it sounds like this site doesn't allow that. There are a few other forums over the years focused on other topics where I've met friends online and they are still real friends to this day.

One thing I noticed from your profile is that you and your husband have been together for a really, really long time. There are almost two ways of looking at it. One would be that if you've made it this long, you might as well stay married and accept how things are. The other would be to say "that's enough" and plan for divorce. It sounds like you're planning for divorce but either way it sounds like nothing will happen, or change, overnight so you are doing the right thing by focusing on your everyday life and business.

There is more I wish to write to analyze the issues more deeply but unfortunately I have to go for now.

I hope the rest of your day goes well and you fall asleep feeling peaceful!

[Caz49]

Nicole,

You've hit the nail on the head...my husband isn't easy at all, even my IC is confused by him. And she says it's little wonder I'm confused, bewildered and put off balance because of him.

He does distract himself with work, but I don't think thats a hardship for him, he loves his job and I almost get the feeling he's now relieved he can devote seven days a week to it.

Yes we've been together a lonnnnng time. I did try the former, Tried to ignore my needs and push on through it but I just reached a point and felt I needed a voice. I literally just wanted to be heard. Besides, I made the break...H doesn't want to put in the work and R...or R without putting in the work. I don't know what H wants because he doesn't communicate with me. I'm at an impasse and thats why I need to let him do him, and I'll improve me.

Thank you for responding...have a good day/evening yourself!

[Jim1234]

His texts today are robotic and interpersonal. I do read the guys on here who would do anything to change and are changing...the difference being, my H doesn't feel that need to change for us, but more especially for me.

Caz, he may never feel the need to change for you. But you have a choice. You can accept it and continue as you have, or change, and do what makes you happy without concern for what he thinks.


I've been feeling good for a couple of weeks, and then today I feel low, tired and worn out.

I have been reminded it's not a linear process.... some days you feel great, others, miserable. It would be easier if each day got a little better, but that's not how it works. I have problems with this as well, and I expect most of us on this board do, too.

BTW

I do know people on this board have gotten together in real life. They arranged a date/time and location that was equidistant, and got together.

[Caz49]

Hi Jim, thank you for coming by my thread, I appreciate it.

In my logical, happy days...which are most days...I know I made the correct choice for me. That my H will never put me first or make changes for me.
Just some days I get jolted by an impersonal text and the pain comes flooding back. I've tried so hard to keep happy and cheerful most days, a down day brings me low and I know I just need to recharge.

It's one down day, tomorrow will be better I'm sure.

My boys have already cheered me up by being them. I don't lean on them or discuss my R problems with them...they know what's going on...but my eldest noticed I was looking stressed and tearful and I simply said I was having a bad day, I didn't know why but I just needed some time. He gave me a hug, made me tea and biscuits...then cooked dinner. My other son came and chatted with me about music and films and I felt better. They are truly lovely young men.

And also, I had noticed a few people had met up, which I know isn't encouraged but they got around it somehow. I think that's great for them!

[pearlharbr]

Hi Caz

I second what Jim said. The only person you can control is you. You can't make anyone else do or say or feel what you want. Keep focusing on what you want and what will make you happy. Let go of any outcomes. It's hard but it works.

I love Scotland! It was the first place we ever went in Europe and immediately fell in love. One of my future goals is to live in Europe for at least two years. Edinburgh would be our first choice but we'll have to see how Brexit shakes out.

And yes, I have friendships IRL with people I met here. So far I've only met one in person but we keep up on FB. It's a little surreal because we were all going through our crap so long ago, everyone's situation has been resolved and we've moved on. But we were so close in such a terrible time that it's a bond we'll never forget.

[Caz49]

Hi Pearl, Thank you for checking in!

I 100% agree with you and Jim. I'm there most days but probably not as much as I should be or think I am.

I have IC today, which sometimes makes me feel good and sometimes I feel discombobulated for the day!

I love Edinburgh too, it's a friendly place which you can't always say about a big city. I would move tomorrow if I didn't have my sons living with me...I would miss them like crazy, and we make a great team right now. But once they've settled into their lives, I'm going to begin my new phase, wherever that may be. And oh Brexit is a pain! Hopefully not too much will change though...

I'm glad you've made friendships on here Pearl and they've all moved forward...happily I hope.

Thanks for coming by, I appreciate it.

[Caz49]

So really just journaling.

Not much has happened. We've had two health scares recently. My son had a lump that needed checking at the hospital. My H wasn't really in contact, didn't seem that concerned but he did send two messages that day. One to offer any monetary aid if son needed it and asked if I got to the hospital okay. No words of sympathy or concern, not that I was expecting any...but deep down I thought he would offer some words of comfort, after all its his son and surely he must have realised how worried I was. TBH, I wasn't worried about the lump, but I was worried because my S was worried. And he is obviously worrying himself over something to get worked up by this medical issue.

The other text was quite a nice one. I had informed him that day that my lump now appears to have reduced in size and is probably hormonal. That I will still be needing an exploration but it looks like it will simply be a precautionary measure.
Im angry with myself that I let him know at all, it made me look needy and pursuing. The reason I had let him know was because I was asking if he still had health insurance for the family. I thought I'd sounded ambiguous so I filled him in briefly on why we may need it if necessary. He had said no, we didn't have it but he was thinking about renewing it for ALL of us, which I thought was very strange as we're separated now.
Anyway he sent a text saying how thats great news (that my lump could be due to hormones) and two smiley faces.

My counsellor has said much the same as DB...to not text anymore and let him make any further contact. And that's exactly what I'll be doing now that these health scares have passed. My Dr's appointment is on the 21st of this month but I'll be going and not mentioning it again. We worked on strategies to get me over the way I feel when he dismisses me, when he doesn't contact me or stares me down. It was such a good session. Plus we're moving beyond talking about the past and going onto the future. How to make a new life for me, to get back to the old me but with a fresh start...which is including personal training from her! So I get two for the price of one, counselling and exercise, brilliant!

My H hasn't seen the kids properly for 5 weeks. He saw two of them briefly for a few hours Saturday. He was due to see them all Sunday and take them out for the day but there was a huge snow dump all night and day. I told the children that if it makes it easier (and safer) he should come and spend time with them at the house. I had to walk my dogs and I have a horrid cold, so I knew I would be cocooned upstairs in bed working anyway. He replied to the children's text that he would 'try' but I guess getting back to work in Germany was more important than seeing them.
I've not heard from H but they say he got back safely (normally I would text and ask but this time I pictured my IC face and held off!!...well my son said 'yeah he text, but I've not looked at it...I guess he got back okay'

I asked my S how he felt that he'd not seen his dad in so many weeks...he shrugged and said 'Its no big deal...I'd feel unhappy if I didn't see you for that long though'

I just feel sad he feels that way. I know he's an adult, but it pains me. BUT I'm not 'fixing' their relationships with their father any more.