Gordie: waiting for MLC W to sign the D papers

[SBJ]

My heart goes out to you brother. Nothing that any of us go thru makes any sense, but your stbx is way off right now. Their confusion must be extremely crazy.

I am sorry that you are going thru this at this time of year. It is hard to believe that mine has been gone since this time last year. Stay strong and stand tall. You are truly a class act.

[Ginger1]

Journaling:

So stbx came back after two days with OM2 and just jumped back into family life. I am trying not to rock the boat until this agreement gets signed but I am tired of constantly serving cake. Right now she has OM2 and then family life whenever she decides. It’s tiresome and awkward for me and the teens. Let’s get this signed this week and move on to the next chapter.

Why don't you tell her if you guys are getting divorced, you better start living like it. Split your nights home. She doesn't just get to run out and stay overnight with OM. make a schedule and split the days of the week. She has to stay home with the kids certain nights a week, and you get to go out. Who cares where you go, get out.

And before you say it....... "but kids need me there" They will be fine with their mom. You get out of the crazy house when you get a chance.

[LH19]

Gordie,

I agree with Ginger. She feels so sure that she can go out and do anything she wants and you will always be there for her.

You need to change that immediately. Start staying over a friends house overnight without telling her where you were.

[CaliGuy]

Gordie ... my sitch didn't include the MLCr being home and eating the cake as yours is but I would agree with Ginger... you should absolutely get a schedule plan put in place, you will have one like this when the D is in place anyways. In a way you are simply enabling her behavior.

To add on to the above, there are not many things that are guaranteed with MLC .... with one exception. I can absolutely promise you this process takes more time than one would ever admit. Regardless if there is divorce or reconciliation its the long journey that will make or break you as a person and the holidays never give you a break, I am a good 4 years past and while it doesn't sting like it once did, its impossible to not be reminded about the family. As I said in M's thread ... I would wager its worse for the MLCr as they wear the happy mask but deep down have to live with the guilt of blowing up the unit ... in your case, you can not cover nor shield her from this ... I would start making plans to do your thing and let her start feeling what life is going to be without you ... you have resorted to the babysitter role and that's not fair to you.

[job]

I agree w/the others. If a divorce is coming down the pike, it's time to start living like the two of you are divorced. Set up a schedule for taking care of the kids and go out and do something on your nights off. She needs to start feeling what it will be like once the divorce takes place.

Gordie, you've been given some very wise advice by all this morning...it's time to think about Gordie. Your children will be fine w/their mom on her days to take care of them.

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

I'm a charter member of the keep things nice club while I negotiate that settlement. You know where I am on that. Although there may be some changes coming.

I too would have the logistics discussions with her. If you think you can get it wrapped up this week do, but don't let it drag on too long. You don't want the teens to think this is acceptable or normal behavior.

[Gordie]

SBJ, Ginger, LH, job, cali, own,

Thanks for the support. You guys are all right. I never implemented a strict schedule as it has only in the last month or two gotten to this level. I want to get the agreement signed this week and then the schedule will be imposed. However, she still backs me up when I need it for work trips and I do the same for her so being too rigid will not serve me well.

And yes, Ginger, I do say to myself “the kids need me” but you are right it shouldn’t be at the cost of my own sanity and GAL.

Ownit, I am fairly confident that the teens do not think this is normal. They find this whole situation as crazy as I do.

Son got sick and I took care of him and worked from home. Never in our marriage did I stay home to take care of sick kids as stbx was a SAHM. But now that I am acting S a single parent, it’s part of my role.

I have thought more about dating and the whole idea of being with someone else seems strange to me. Obviously, I’m not ready for that.

[Gordie]

Advice requested:

So it’s been two months of LRT. We basically only discuss kids, money and divorce. We have agreed to the final financial point. The last step is to sign and go to our court appearance. DB coach says the point of LRT is to create space for w to miss me. Well, in my case, I think it initially created space for w to spend all her time with OM2. And whatever last shred of hope I had for R died. And with that, I let go even more. Something inside me changed. I didn’t say anything, but I am a terrible poker player and stbx of course has noticed. She has tried to talk to me. She has tried to give me a hug. And today she texted that she misses me. I didn’t text back. I have zero expectations as I fully expect to be divorced by Christmas but question for all of you is...what do I do now?

[OwnIt]

Gordie:

I see you hanging on the edge of the cliff, fingers desperately clutching to hold on for the fear of letting go. You have to stop second-guessing what you did in the past. It is over and it is done. And I seriously doubt that you pulling back did anything other than what it was supposed to. Fantasies endure for years (for my H his EA/FA was like 5 years long until he went at it with OW1). They have to see the fantasy as just that. They have to have the consequences.

She is doing what this method predicts she will. You are pulling away and appearing to give up and she is now feeling the reality of the situation. However, this woman is nowhere near finished. She is very heavy into replay (mine wallowed at home for years and now is running and running and running. I think yours will do the same). She probably won't pull back on the divorce before it is finalized, but she most definitely won't be done by December.

As hard as it is, and it is so hard, uncurl those fingers, let go. Take the leap of faith and accept that the unknown without her is better than life with a present day cake-eating cheater who not only eats the cake, but rubs it all over your face in the process.

You don't know what she is going to do or how she will react to you letting go. You know that as hard as you've tried, as much as you've DBed, you can't fix her. She has to walk this part by herself. If you can do it, you need to let her go and focus on you and the kids. It hurts like hell and the tears keep coming, but the self-respect does provide some salve.

[bttrfly]

What you do know, Gordie, is up to you.
Think long and hard about what you really want. Maybe set up a DB Coaching session to work through it all. Ultimately, this is really about you and what you want.


xoxoxoxo