My handsome man and I are going for a short holiday. I'm taking him to my second home (I'm half Scottish, half Mediterranean).
I'm unbelievably excited. I can't wait to share this with him.
I spent a lot of time there as a child (went to school there for a bit as well), and it was the only family I knew, as I didn't know my dad growing up or his side of the family at all. I've grown up with both cultures and both languages.
I also did some more very small house improvements, and I feel happy to be working on that again. Even though they were small things, they feel very meaningful and like big things for me.
This whole process (including both my grandmothers dying within six years of each other) has made it easier to let things go.
At the same time though if I think about what happened, I just feel an incredibly deep sadness. More than sadness...sorrow. I still don't understand how things could have gotten so bad and become so irreparable in XH's eyes that he did what he did (talking about the A's here).
But he wasn't the person that I thought he was. Or maybe he just let that side of him out, and gave expression to it? And maybe we all have that side in us, and we either choose to give it expression or choose not to? According to experience, circumstance (the circumstances we create), what we think of ourselves, how we think of ourselves? We choose the path we want to go along.
Making coffee and something has just dawned on me. It came from a passing comment the wonderful man I'm with made last night (we were having another conversation entirely).
Being an adult is about accepting responsibility.
I had accepted responsibility for other people a long time ago. But I hadn't ever accepted it for myself.
Not to the extent I had accepted it for other people.
It doesn't really matter the reasons why (although I kinda know why). It's where I ended up.
So my journey has been (and is) about redressing the balance and accepting responsibility for myself.
Wondering...I sometimes feel like I'm being held responsible for XH straying. It could be from society, that makes women responsible for all sorts of things. It could be from XH himself. I could be from his friends and/or family. It could be from industry colleagues. I don't know. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel somehow second best and less than, which makes me feel shame. And which diminishes me.
But how do I get away from that feeling and out of that mindset?
I don't feel like it's a good place for me to be, or a healthy place for me to be.
I've been working on positive visualisations for the things I want for myself and in my life. I've also been working on guided meditations, accepting love in particular.
I've come to understand that I find it much easier to give love than to accept it. But if you're like that then it means you're perhaps not letting someone give all the love that they want to give you? That energy is not flowing as freely as it could, as you're not letting it.
I feel that something that I've managed to do over this past while is to stop overthinking things and ruminating. So that's a bonus, for sure. I feel like I now have a lot more energy and it's forward moving energy. I feel like I can improve some more on this though, particularly if I tie it into accepting all the love and positivity someone else wants to give me.
Gosh, it really does feel like two years ago was a lifetime ago.
Two years ago I was going out with the heavy drinker. We were either just about to go away on a short break, or had just come back. I felt very crushed by his presence. And very disillusioned too. I remember feeling very disappointed when I first met him. We were the same age and he really looked his age. And it felt like he was reluctant to change. Not that I was hoping to change him, but it felt to me that he was set in his ways and wasn't interested in going on the journey of discovery I think I wanted to go on.
Actually, thinking back, I was already on that journey. And nothing is going to stop me being on that journey. I feel very lucky that I have now a companion that wants the same thing, and is very openminded as well. He's actually really embracing the whole thing. It's a beautiful thing to be close to.
Maybe I attracted that into my life without consciously knowing hat because it is something that is important to me? And something that I was already cultivating in my life?
So back to my question of not letting any of the responsibility, guilt or shame about XH's As into my life...
Making coffee and something has just dawned on me. It came from a passing comment the wonderful man I'm with made last night (we were having another conversation entirely).
Being an adult is about accepting responsibility.
I had accepted responsibility for other people a long time ago. But I hadn't ever accepted it for myself.
Not to the extent I had accepted it for other people.
It doesn't really matter the reasons why (although I kinda know why). It's where I ended up.
So my journey has been (and is) about redressing the balance and accepting responsibility for myself.
That's deep! I like it. I agree that adulthood is mostly about accepting responsibility. I think far too often, we fall in the trap of wanting it to be someone else's fault. I think that is one powerful lesson I learned from my D because my XH wanted ALL the blame to reside solely with me. Uh no.....I was willing to take my share, but not willing to take all of it. So, I've been very consciously working toward making sure I always take responsibility for me in the past few years. It's a very powerful thing.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think just a big dollop of humour might do you good, so sit next to Lady V and let me tell you a few home truths.
Your A hole cheating on you says nothing, nothing about you. It's his A hole that is talking.
Let's just look at failings shall We?
I will give you a few choice ones from my own history and those on the board
1. I failed to make the evening meal at 6:30 every evening
He dipped his wick many times, it's my fault because I didn't give him cake by 6:30, so he had to get his cake in slices elsewhere.
2. I served the wrong shaped pasta. (This is a very common complaint and so heinous that it merits divorce)
That is completely my fault and it caused him to cheat, if only I had served penne not spirals. It's my fault I own up, truly I do. He had to go to Italy to get the proper pasta from an ex stripper, clearly that was necessary.
3. I am too short (Rosalinda)
As a result WH went and chose an OW that was even shorter, but she wears heels and serves fermented oatmeal. So that was OK despite catching a nasty disease, after all it could be cured with fermented oatmeal. And besides OW got it from a toilet seat which obviously wasn't wiped clean.
4. I wasn't well I got pneumonia and Swiss cheese jaw.
As a result he went and cheated which put my sexual health at risk, but as I was unwell that didn't matter at all. My health is already damaged more won't hurt.
5. I have a messy closet (Sunny)
That is a crime against humanity, it's disgusting and justifies WH cheating with a co worker. She has a tidy closet and that makes all the difference, so Sunny deserved it. It was a crime along with the wrong shaped pasta.
Let's face it these are shameful crimes, we are to blame for these jerks straying putting our health at risk and for how we treated them. Noooooooooo
This was a decision by [censored] face to dip his wick not yours. You were faithful and loving, made a home and all the things a loving wife does. He cheated not once but twice. Twice and that's square fault on disease crud face.
Yes I can keep those crude potty mouth sayings coming.
If you look at pus loins and his open crotch huskies in a disgusted light then I really think this shame will go away.
Go shout on the roof tops 'I am ashamed my [censored] faced turd cheated on me twice as it's my fault he did because I am unworthy to lick his entitled shoes. He did so because I didn't serve the right pasta, have a tidy closet and wasn't tall or young enough. I might even have a muffin top and cellulite.'.
Now shove that back to dirt bag where it belongs. Him and his schmoopie. Have you watched TrueTori with Tori Spelling no knickers and Dean Mcgroin crud bottom? Suggest you Google them on YouTube especially when Tori met Dean's ex wife. Then tell me who is the lady? Try Christie Brinkley and her ex Peter Cook. I think the tide is turning on turds in that industry.
Try watching youtube and seek out my wife has whisker burn. Watch the whole series of cartoons and roar with laughter.
It's no more your fault than an earthquake, ash cloud, the invasion of Iraq, banking crisis or sub prime lending issue. If you decide not to own it and pass it back to dumb pus loins and his Schmoopie then that is where it belongs. I give you permission to roar with laughter.
And next time serve the pasta you want to serve.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
PS Messy closet, yes. Far too many clothes and shoes, yes.
Cellulite, amazingly no.
Wrong pasta, most definitely never.
OMG, I'm still laughing.
And actually, when I'm in that mindset, I can't help thinking 'well eff you, and check me...going out with the sexiest, hottest man in the entire universe who absolutely adores me, and wouldn't think of doing a single thing to ever upset me'.
I think I'll post a check FB update with my new sexy shoes and my sparkly top
Life is going fantastically well. Better than I ever imaged a couple of years ago.
I've been working hard on exploring and finding gratitude, and on positive visualisation. Still more to do, but it's been paying off.
I've never been particularly jealous or suspicious. I like that about myself, and hated the idea that that could change because of what happened. So I've worked hard on that too. Finding gratitude and positive visualisation has helped with that.
The wonderful man I'm with has never given me the tiniest inkling that he is not who he says he is. He is utterly true and consistent, very straight down the line. It's one of the things about him I really appreciate.
He's also very into the hear and now. He very much enjoys the present, he's happy to talk about the future, a little less so the past and the baggage we might carry.
He's had longer to work on things after his XW had an A (with her boss) and they split up, and then D (that was about 7 or 8 years ago.
Her A continued for a few years after that, maybe 4 or 5? I think the end of the A was not her choice.
Anyway, the wonderful man I'm with and his XW have two adult children (21 and 18). He's very attached to both of them and has been and is an amazing dad. They are lovely people and a reflection of how he has behaved during this whole process.
So, to the point of the matter.
This is how our life is panning out at the moment. We live about 2 hours drive from each other. He works regular hours during the week in another city, which is basically the other point of a triangle between us.
I'm freelance/self employed in a much bigger city, so I sometimes work Friday and Saturday nights. He comes to visit me after work on Friday as he finishes very early, and comes to stay for the weekend. He goes straight to work on Monday morning from my house.
Sometimes I go and stay with him at the weekend if I'm not working, but if he's come to me at the weekend a lot, I like going to stay with him during the week as well for a couple of days every few weeks. I can take work to do with me at his house and he lives pretty much in the country, so we can do stuff like go for nice walks.
This seems to work quite well.
For the past month or two, on Monday nights, after work, he's been going rock climbing, and then pops round to see his D, who is at his XW's house. It's pretty much the only time he sees his D. They walk the dog together and then she (the D) likes to cook them all dinner.
His children occasionally come to stay at his house too, but not so much now they're older. They used to go and stay with him every second weekend.
He always calls me a lot. On Mondays he's been calling me after work, on the way to rock climbing, and then to say goodnight.
Not long after we first met and started going out, he was using a note I'd written him as a bookmark, and his XW found it when he was there visiting his kids. It had slipped out the book he was reading and onto the floor. He found her looking at it intently and turning it over. I guess that was the first she knew of us.
Over the past six months or so, she's done a few things which to my mind might feel a little manipulative. The past couple of times have involved their children. They all came to stay at my house one night, and he said that she'd had a bit of an outburst about how dangerous the city was where I lived and how they'd be treated here.
Then a couple of weeks ago she said that she was really worried about their S (21 and sitting his exams). She said she thought he was depressed and in urgent need of help. A quick phone call to his son and he realised that he was just working hard at his exams and completely taken up by studying.
Today she came out with she knew that D was worried about the house and said that she might need him to stay over.
We've talked quite a lot previously about his XW's A, her behaviour during their D, and how entitled, manipulative and controlling she was being. You know how it goes with the WS. Anyway, he's pretty clear on spotting it and dealing with it (by not reacting). His main concern is his kids and his relationship with them.
He says that it's strange when he goes round there and sees his XW. It's like being with a stranger and that he doesn't really know who she is. He says that it's weird to think they were M for so long, and shared so much together (children). He says that she probably looks better than she ever did, but that he just doesn't like her personality one little bit. He says that he's really glad he has even less to do with her now the kids have grown up and doesn't really want to have anything to do with her. I'm pretty sure I know what he's talking about, as that's the way I consider my XH. Except don't need to have anything to do with my XH, so I just think of him as dead.
Now, in a previous life, I might have felt insecure with all this going on from her. Is she being manipulative? Is that me reading into it all? Does it even matter? What's more important is his reaction, surely? And mine?
Now, I'm feeling just very detached from it all. And also, that if he gets manipulated by it all, then he's not as strong as I think he is. I don't think he's someone that could be manipulated. He's the kind of person who knows his own mind and wouldn't be happy doing anything that went against it.
So my reaction at the moment, is just to enjoy our R together and the things we're discovering. We've been together a year and four months, and both of us are starting to feel this is something really important. I think we both felt it instinctively really quickly after we met, it's just nice to take your time and enjoy things as they unfold.
Sorry this is so jumbled up. I'm also trying to get this straight in my own head.
