Me (29f) and my H (27m), together for 7 years, married 3. No kids just a dog. I have the DR book. This post might be too long but I didn't want to leave out anything. My husband is smart, funny, humble, beautiful and loyal. He has always deserved a strong and loving partner but I failed him. I've been struggling for years with depression and anxiety, which got worse the last few years. I dropped out of education, took some classes part-time and didn't have any real job except for short term ones. I'm back in school now trying to finish my degree. But I have become very isolated, with few friends. Most of my social life was with his friends. I have also been emotionally abusive during the worst times, and I have broken things. It's a big deal and I am deeply ashamed of it. I sometimes used pot and alcohol to avoid facing my issues, which I think contributed greatly to the lack of improvement. I was in therapy, but it ended and it was a pretty hopeless situation overall. I started to give up on myself, I had no self esteem and I felt too bad to be a wife, which proved to be true.
Still, even during my lows, we had a lot of good times together. We loved each other deeply, or at least I thought we did. We laughed together, played together, went on adventures together. He wrote me a love letter only days before leaving. It's so weird to read it now.
I completely understand why he left. He had no other choice, our home had become a negative and draining place to be. Apparently, it wasn't planned on his part, but he moved away to his parents suddenly. I begged him to come back, but it didn't work. It shattered the bubble I was living in. It's hard to explain, and it is absolutely no excuse, but I had been in serious denial about my own condition. I realised how much I loved him, how much he had wanted me to just be happy and well, and how fed up he must have been with my problems. He was badly hurt, and needed to find happiness again.
I've reflected a lot on my behaviour and how it had gotten so bad. Im working with good and relevant therapy books, started doing yoga and meditate daily, started antidepressants, and am trying to get back into therapy (can't afford going to private practitioners) I’ve quit smoking and drinking, basically picked myself up and am working on my life. Also trying to rekindle some old friendships and be open to new ones. I will be searching for part time jobs after my finals, I am much more in control of my emotions, and I am confident that I will be back on my feet eventually. And also I will not let myself go back to that point again. I refuse to be a toxic person anymore, which is what I became. But it might be too late for him. He tells me he can't love me anymore or forgive me for letting things get so bad. That he cares about me, but doesn't want a relationship. He just wants to move on, but we haven't officially taken out separation yet.
He gave me a list of things I had to change if I wanted him back. After a month apart and an amazingly fun date night he said he could tell I was changing for the better, and agreed to try and move back into our apartment. It was tense and awkward when he did. I have a feeling he wasn't really ready, a few days later he was gone, claiming he needed to help his parents with some stuff but he never returned. This made me temporarily lose my cool and I forgot the principles I was trying to apply. I got angry, tried to put my foot down and said "either you move back home or we're done". He responded "ok, then we're done". I instantly regretted and withdrew my ultimatum. I was desperate and it was not pretty. It probably gave him more doubts, as he saw me being angry and needy, when I should have just been friendly and give him space.
Last time we met, two months after he first left me, he told me he was fairly certain that he wanted a divorce. He is happy with this new life without me and can't see any reason to work on a marriage he no longer wants. He refuses counselling and wants me to just move on. Says he doesn't trust my changes to be genuine, and is angry at me for not changing earlier. I can't blame him, I am angry at myself too. I've owned up and accepted responsibility, but he's not ready to hear me apologise now.
I asked him if we could take a step back, wait and take it slowly. I told him that I'm fine with us staying apart with no pressure if that's what he needs now. His dad is ill so I think it's good for him to stay with his parents for a while anyway. He has a lot on his plate and I've been a burden on top of it all. I'm learning a lot about myself from being alone, having to face my issues on my own has strengthened me more than I thought was possible. I will probably need more time to reflect on old patterns to make sure it doesn't go back to where it was. But I love him deeply, and I'm still hoping he wants to be in my life at some point. I know I've hurt him, neglected him, his happiness and needs, and I support him in leaving if that's what he needs. I want him to be happy most of all. But I asked him if he wanted me to stop trying, and he didn't really want that.. At least not yet. Maybe.
I don't know if he even wants to take it slow, he said "I just want to be single for a while”, but he agreed to take another break with no contact. He told me he had felt pressured to move back in and try again, and that he needed to be the one to initiate things or it wouldn't be right. I agreed with that. And so he asked for 3 weeks of NC from me. To take the pressure off him and give him the chance to initiate a new meeting or conversation. He's physically attracted to me, he still thinks I'm beautiful and funny.. But says he just doesn't feel the love anymore. That it has died. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, it's not the same and it breaks my heart. But sometimes he gives me an affectionate look or touch, like there is some love left. Or maybe just habit. I don't know. When he left I just told him to take his time, that i won't push for any decision on his part. He told me to expect divorce. So that's where I am now. It's been one week of no contact, I have to focus on studying for finals but it's difficult to stay consistently strong. I feel terrible and I rarely get any sleep. From what I hear he is happy, hanging out with friends, travelling, meeting new people. So if he's happier without me, I'm not going to stop him. I just hope there is a chance for things to work out between us. That he can be happy with me again. We have booked a vacation abroad to see a concert together in late December. I still hope we can go together but I have no idea what he is thinking.
I don't want to be selfish. I just feel certain I can take care of my issues on my own without being a burden to him, and be the wife he wanted me to be. I hope it can be fixed, that if we wait, he might change his mind. But I feel like deep down I should know that I am naive and that it's truly over. I just don't want to give up unless I'm 100% sure. Is there any hope? I'm not even sure if I deserve his love again after how bad I was. Maybe I should quit trying for the sake of his wellbeing. I feel powerless, and I don't know if there is anything I can do anymore. I'm not sure if DB principles apply in this situation because I was the one to mess up badly and he had a good reason to leave. Either way I need to get a life and work on being a better me. Any advice is very welcome.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I thought it was helpful you wrote all those details. From an outsider's perspective it seems that the best chance for you and your husband to reunite will be at a bit later date, like in six months, a year, or two years. If your husband is attracted to you that's a good thing. It just seems like it will take a while for him to be convinced that you're stable and made lasting changes, and for you yourself to reinforce your changes to make sure you're strong and healthy.
The main risk I would assume is if your husband meets someone else in the meantime (or already has) and decides to pursue a relationship with someone else. If that happens there's less you can do to save the marriage. But if your husband loved you all these years and see's you're better hopefully he'll come back.
It's still very sad your husband left a time when you needed his support. It sounds like you accept blame for what went wrong on your part and have done a lot to fix yourself which is great and commendable. If your husband asked for a period of no contact then hopefully you can make it through the next few weeks without contacting him and be ready to impress him next time the two of you are in touch.
One thing to note is that you and your husband are still young and started dating at a very young age. It must be hard to be separated for the first time after you've been there for each other for so long. Since you're still so young one thing to keep in mind is you still have a long life ahead of you with lots of opportunities, either with your husband or with a new partner, so at the very least time is on your side. I also had a long term partner from age 20 - 28 and when it ended I met my husband. Now I'm 39. Looking back I can see more easily now how I didn't really know what I was doing in the first relationship. Not that I'm better off now because my husband left me and we have a child, but the 20's are a turbulent period. Relationships during that time are affected by so many factors - college, our developing careers, learning to live on our own and manage everything alone. It's not an easy time.
I wonder what your husband's family is advising him to do and what your own family knows and advises?
It's still early in your separation with your husband. Hopefully the next few weeks will pass quickly and you'll have a much better idea about whether he's thinking of returning or moving on. I'd say to try to be optimistic until you know more. You two still have a chance!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you NicoleR for your reply. It's true, that we are young and have been through a lot of changes. it's also his first serious relationship. But I would wait for a long time if that's what he needs. The problem is, I'm not sure if he is extending time because he genuinely thinks he could change his mind, or if he is just too conflict shy to break it off for good. He never likes giving bad news to anyone, and usually holds it in until the last second. So I'm afraid that's what happening now. But I'll hold on to hope as long as it exists.
It's so weird how my thoughts and hopes are swinging between cautious optimism and absolute defeat. I guess that means I can't listen to my intuition on this one. I have absolutely no idea what he's thinking. I don't think our families know either. I recently made a new social media account and I noticed that our friends on his side are reluctant to add me. I don't know what they know - maybe they know there's trouble and are waiting for a resolution. Or maybe he's told them more than he's told me.. It could mean anything, or nothing, I guess it's pointless to think about.
Some days are insanely hard. I dream about him every night, which is confusing to wake up from. But sometimes I think my brain is so burnt out from thinking about him that it justs shuts off all thoughts about the marriage and I can smile for a little bit. Those are the rare good moments. Maybe I will have more of them eventually.
I am very anxious about our planned holiday because I really, really want to go no matter what. I know he very much wants to go (to the concert) too. I'd like for us to go as friends with no expectations, because I think it could be fun, but I'm afraid of bringing it up because everything feels like pressure to him.
And I don't know what to do if he gets back to me saying he's 100% done.
Reading Sandi2's 37 rules, I've probably broken every single one of them at some point. We went out drinking on both of our last dates, probably a bad idea. It's easier to slip up that way. I really wish I could go back in time and slap myself into some sense!!
It's really hard. It's too bad people do this where they ask for no contact or time to think or whatever and then just keep us waiting in the dark. My husband is doing the same thing.
I would have to guess that your husband misses you in some way, and if he's attracted to you that lessens the chance that he'll pursue someone else.
I know it's obvious but you can pass the time by exercising for your mental health, getting all your stuff at home super clean and organized, picking out an amazing outfit for the next time you see him, and learning other ways to keep improving and stabilizing yourself through religion, diet, adult professional development classes, or anything that's within your reach. I'm trying to do the same as much as possible.
Maybe your husband simply wanted to escape from what he felt was a bad relationship but maybe each small positive interaction you have when you start communicating in a few weeks will help bring him back. It's harder said than done to avoid pressuring someone and to avoid asking them questions about the relationship, especially when they're being so vague, but that seems to be a key practice the DB book teaches. It doesn't seem fair on your husband's part to be so vague and at some point if he doesn't give you clear answers I'd like to hear what other people on this forum have to say about asking him what he wants.
I hope at least this is a short and temporary situation for you. It's also a good time to think about what you want in your 30's - do you want to have kids, move to a different city, find a particular new job? The more you know what you want, the better prepared you'll be to deal with your husband. It still doesn't take away the pain of him being gone, but you can still keep planning in the meantime.
I hope everything will work out. Please let us know what happens! I'd like to know since my husband also left and I'm waiting to see if he returns.
He's officially done with me and we're legally separated now, heading for divorce.
I asked if he could wait with any bad news until after my finals two weeks from now (which I am really struggling with) but he simply had to get it over with. Now. Over the phone.
He also said he would be going on our planned holiday and concert with a friend instead.
I'm comlpletely broken. I don't know how to get through this now.
That's terrible. I'll try to write more soon but I believe your goal right at this moment should just be to stay alive - drink water, eat anything you can, go to stay at anyone's house who can watch over you, ask the doctor for medication if necessary, and those kind of things. You need to stay healthy to be able to process this news and absorb the shock. It's so sad and unfair that your husband announced his decision at this particular time and in this manner. The divorce hasn't happened yet. You can always try more DB techniques and stay on hold in case he changes his mind, but at this time it's probably hard to do or think much at all. Sometimes you just have to feel the pain and grieve. Do you have anyone living nearby to whom you can reach out for support?
I may end up in the same position as you so I don't have any advice except to say I often wake up feeling like this is all a nightmare and can't believe it's really happening (with my husband). I have a lot of issues at the moment and have no idea where I'm headed in life and I'm nine years older than you. Other members here seem to be further along and seem to be doing ok. I believe there are books out there on the grief process, divorce, etc.. that you'll want to read to better equip yourself for whatever happens.
Please keep us posted. I'll try to respond again soon.
I really believe you need to find yourself as a person. As they say become the person only a fool would leave. The list he gave you of things he needed from you to come back. Does this list truly make you a better person, or just better for him. Remember marriage is 50/50 relationship. Don't blame yourself for all of the issues, even if you may feel that way. You are hurting right now, so you wont always see things clearly yet, but you will get there. You say you are legally separated, some states separation is used for the couple to work on reconciliation while relieving some pressures, not to act unmarried just waiting for a divorce. as Nicole said there are alot of books on the grieving process and you will go through some stages faster than others and will also relive many of the stages over again during that process. Just know its a process and you will get through it. Keep busy and whenever you start to think about him just do more things like finding yourself. Eventually you will see that you are improving yourself and thinking less about him.
M:43 W:33 M:10 T:11 D:6 BD 8/12/17 Divorce Final 1/23/2019
