Still here. Still not detached... (Part 2)

[Chris73]

Hi All. Just wanted to post an update on my sitch since it's been a while.

I got approved for the mortgage to refi my house. Unfortunately, it's not a refi in my favor as the interest rate is the same. So my loan amount goes up and the amount I'm able to cash out is minimal. But it does mean that my W is off the mortgage and the deed, which in turn frees her up to apply for her own mortgage and gets her one step closer to moving out. Hard to know how to feel about this. I don't want her to go, but I want her to go. If that makes any sense.

Sat down with her last week to discuss the buyout and break the news that I wasn't financially comfortable with the amount she asked for. She seemed level-headed about it. We both agreed that fighting over the 15K difference would just end up with most of it in the pockets of our respective attorneys anyway.

The custody and child support arrangements were agreed upon previously and don't need to be revised at this point. The split is about 57%/43% in her favor (6 overnights with me every 2 weeks vs 8 overnights with her).

We discussed logistics for the rest of the year. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and birthdays (both kids have December birthdays). I told her that I wanted the kids to be in my (formerly "our") house on xmas eve and offered to let her stay overnight so that we'd both be there in the morning when they woke up. She agreed.

The one thing that really stuck with me was the discussion about her wedding/engagement ring, which is worth a decent amount of money. I told her that she could have it and suggested that she could sell it to make up some of the difference in the house buy out. She got teary and said, "I would never sell it. It's for D5 for when she's older."

..see, this I don't get at all. The ring means something to her, but what? It represents the commitment we made to each other "for better or worse", the commitment she's decided to break. And yet, it's precious enough to save for D5? Why? If the ring means enough to her to save it for sentimental reasons (as opposed to an investment) why not tap into those emotions a little further and make an attempt to reconcile the marriage? These are questions I didn't ask her, and never will.

Anyway, onward and upward. I spent some time thinking about what my W might be doing this past weekend and who she might be with. And I took a moment to recognize how much different I feel now than a year ago when I had the same questions. It still hurts but that feeling in my stomach like I'm falling off a cliff is not there anymore. I remember when I first came to these boards and read a post by someone saying, "...her ghost still haunts me." I think I understand how that feels now. I'm sure her ghost will haunt me forever, but the frequency will continue to diminish.

Had a great weekend with my kids. We're starting a new "every other Sunday family dinner" tradition with my side of the family. Monday mornings are difficult. Since we're still "nesting", I need to make sure the kids are dressed, fed, and ready for the bus, but I also need to pack for the 3 nights that I'm not home. This leads to a hectic morning and rarely enough time for proper goodbyes. I know it will get better once my W moves out.

[Chris73]

Curious because I am working on mine right now too and know you also commute with a demanding job.

Hi Gordie. The schedule is definitely a challenge for me.

My time with the kids starts with picking them up from school on Thursdays. This is never a problem since I work from home on that day. Then I have them Thursday and Friday night every week. Then, every other weekend they stay with me until Monday morning. This past weekend was one of those. On the weekends when my W has them, I still have them until Saturday afternoon bc my W works Saturdays.

The big problem is that my job does not allow me to work from home on Fridays. This means that I have commute into the city via train (an hour each way) to work for 4 hours before turning around to head back in time to pick them up from school. In order to work a half day on Friday, I have to make up the extra 4 hours on M/T/W. But the good news is that our work from home policy is evolving and I'm hopeful that they'll change the no-Fridays rule within the next year. That would help immensely!

Exchanging the kids on the "neutral ground" of school really helps. Goodbyes aren't too emotional (for the kids at least!) and I don't have to cross paths with my W too often.

When the summer comes, things will have to change. But I'm also hoping that as time goes by and our new family dynamic becomes normal, I will petition for more of a 50/50 split with a once/week exchange. Time will tell...

[EastTN]

..see, this I don't get at all. The ring means something to her, but what? It represents the commitment we made to each other "for better or worse", the commitment she's decided to break. And yet, it's precious enough to save for D5? Why? If the ring means enough to her to save it for sentimental reasons (as opposed to an investment) why not tap into those emotions a little further and make an attempt to reconcile the marriage? These are questions I didn't ask her, and never will.

It's confusing as hell, isn't it? My XW cried when she took her ring off, kept it (don't know if she's gotten rid of it by now, doesn't really matter) kept the big framed photo I gave her for our 1st wedding anniversary (wedding photo with her, me, and D), and actually kept her wedding bouquet. She lost some jewelry in the house somewhere while moving and said she was sad about it because D and I picked it for her at Christmas two years ago.

I'll never understand it.

[Gordie]

Chris,

Your post is really helpful. I may propose something similar. Like a T/W nights and every other weekend F/S/S so I get 7 out of 14 nights. It’ll be tricky with work, but their worth it. Best wishes to you. I know this is phase is not easy. But just know from a stranger that I can tell how much you care about your kids and how hard you fought to save your M. That takes a lot of courage that most people in your life will never know. Peace.

[PsySara]

Chris,
I wish I could give some "womanly insight" about your wife's thought process but I am also at a loss. The only thing that comes to mind is compartmentalization. Maybe she has placed the feeling she had on the wedding day in a particular box and she thinks the ring carries that feeling/thought as well? I for one would not want the ring my mother married my father in, we have very different taste and I don't want a ring that ended in divorce, if that makes sense. It also shows how your wife still thinks of things from her own perspective and not anyone else's, I seriously doubt she thought of your daughter's feelings in this process and the ring mentality strengthens that belief.

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: Chris73

..see, this I don't get at all. The ring means something to her, but what? It represents the commitment we made to each other "for better or worse", the commitment she's decided to break. And yet, it's precious enough to save for D5? Why? If the ring means enough to her to save it for sentimental reasons (as opposed to an investment) why not tap into those emotions a little further and make an attempt to reconcile the marriage? These are questions I didn't ask her, and never will.

Some women hold sentimental feelings for things that marked a special time in their life. She may save something from her first date; press the corsage from her first prom; and as harsh as it may sound to you.......her engagement ring. Obviously she has some good memories from the relationship. You are seeing it from the viewpoint of broken vows and a failed M. Maybe your daughter will see it as a time when her parents were happily in love with each other.

I see nothing that odd about it. Your daughter may, or may not, desire to keep the ring. That will be her decision.

[Ginger1]

My ex has been re-married for sometime now. he finds no sentimental value in anything. Got rid of his ring really fast, took down all of our wedding pictures the NIGHT he told me he wanted a divorce......

But my daughter told me he keeps an old picture of him and I in her dresser drawer.

Did he just leave it there by accident? I honestly don't think so. Does he still love me and miss me? Nope. I think people can possibly hold on to positive memories and move on at the same time.

I reset my engagement ring and I wear the side stones as earrings. My center stone is in a necklace I never wear. I am saving it for my D also. My marriage was a bit of a joke, but I do want my daughter to have something from when her parents did love eachother.

Don't read too far into it. Women are sentimental. We can hold onto positive memories and still move forward.

[Chris73]

But just know from a stranger that I can tell how much you care about your kids and how hard you fought to save your M. That takes a lot of courage that most people in your life will never know. Peace.

Thanks Gordie. These words, in particular, mean a lot to me. I realize that a lot of my issues are related to ego and attachment, but I'm still a little stuck on the "It's not fair!" aspect of my life right now. My life has been disrupted in so many ways and none of them are by choice. So every so often it really helps to have someone notice or acknowledge the fact that I'm making the best possible choices when you consider what I have to work with.

In a few weeks, the refi on my house will close and my W will be free of the mortgage and the deed to our home. I really don't want to carry the financial and maintenance responsibilities of the home on my own, but I just can't fathom the idea of my kids having to move into TWO new places at the same time.

My W is actively pursuing a new place to live, but until then I have to put up with a schedule that has me working wacky hours, taking 2 different trains, and having clothes and food in two different places. Once she moves out, things will settle down. I'll be back to living in one place and I will have time to work on all the longer term house projects that have been neglected for the past year. It's doubtful that this will happen before the holiday season is over... which makes things even more awkward and depressing.

Now, other than you wonderful folks on this board, I don't complain about this to anyone. And when I get overwhelmed I simply re-prioritize and make an effort to not sweat the small stuff. Thinking about my kids and our future as a threesome is usually enough to keep me motivated. And I know there are plenty of people on both sides of the aisle that can see how hard I'm working to make the best tasting lemonade I can from these lemons. But once in a while it sure is nice when someone notices.

[Chris73]

Just here to vent.

Several years ago my W and I started going to Atlantic City for midweek getaways in the offseason. It was so nice to be able to escape from reality for 48 hours after a short 90-minute drive. We would hang by the pool, sip cocktails, go out to dinner, comedy club, catch up on sleep (and other bedroom activities).

On one visit we talked about bringing the kids, who both love to swim. We would spend all day at the pool, order room service, and maybe even take a walk on the boardwalk if the weather was agreeable.

Fast forward to our current situation. Our last trip to AC was about a month before the BD that set everything in motion. And this week marks the 1 year anniversary of our separation. Yesterday, my W took both kids to AC to do all the things we had always planned to do with them. But with one exception... I wasn't invited.

I know this is the inevitable reality of getting divorced. There will still be occasions when the four of us will be together, but the frequency continues to diminish.

I never wanted this for me or for my family. Obviously it hurts that I've been excluded from this particular activity. But what hurts more is watching our little tribe deteriorate before my eyes and not being able to do anything about it.

[Gordie]

Chris73,

That AC situation hurts. Just wanted to say thanks to you directly. I never thought I’d get 50-50 custody of my kids but after a lot of back and forth and inspired by your schedule, stbx has agreed verbally! You might be the most influential person in my life that I have never met.

Gordie