That sounds normal to miss those things. You can be active and busy all day long but it can't totally replace what was lost. Hopefully though you'll either reconcile with your wife someday or meet someone new so this is just a temporary break from having a close physical connection with someone you love.
I expect to have days like that. Nicole - your comment about GAL not as a replacement for what is lost really hit home. It's good to think of this as a temporary break from that type of connection. I know that I am in no place right now to seek out that kind of connection with someone else, but in time I will be.
Joe & Joseph - Yeh, I think this time of the year especially can hit hard due to the holidays and the focus being the family. Just thinking about how this will be the new normal for a while or permanently is pretty hurtful. I know that time and patience will bring peace and acceptance, but the first 12 months with everything being different is the tough one.
On the positive side, I did pick up all the lights last night and was too drained from GAL to put them up, but that is the plan tonight. I am looking forward to that.
I know I've lost some weight and I also picked up a scale to see the progress and I've lost 10 pounds. woo hoo!!! I don't have too much to lose but I'd like to lose another 10 pounds and that should put me in good shape. Ab outlines are already happening and so the motivation is there and I have been very good with my food and meds lately. My blood sugar readings for the last week have consistently been in the normal range - this is a combination of eating well, taking meds, and working out. I know that I want to keep it up and soon just from doing these lifestyle changes, I will be able to get off my meds. I have my doc appointment in three months and I want to show off to her what I have accomplished
I get to see my kids today and I am so excited and pumped. I also decided to pick up learning Spanish/Flamenco guitar and Wood-working in 2018. I get impulsive and wanted to go and do it right away, but one of my goals has been to not act on impulse and take my time. I am still working on being consistent with the goals I set out and once I have that down, I will then pick those two things up.
I am looking forward to 2018 and starting the year with a new fresh mindset and outlook on life.
In my mind I could justify Thanksgiving because it is just 1 day and it is spent with extended family. I am finding Christmas more difficult because we always spent it together, at home, as an immediate family. Not only the day with presents, etc. but also the build up. The family decorating the tree, taking the kids to see Santa, we went on a Polar Express ride one year, we always made Gingerbread houses together as well, things like.
Then I start to wonder what my girls are thinking. For example, next week they are with their mom in the apartment with no tree, no elf and I wonder if they will not experience the excitement of Christmas. I know I am probably projecting but I think about these things.
Yeah I totally see the difference between Thanksgiving and Xmas. So much more is involved in the latter as there is all this time spent doing so many things building up to Xmas eve and Xmas day. I am sure the girls will notice the difference.
Even though you're doing everything in your house to keep it festive and everything, your W has to hold up her end as well if she's concerned about how the kids will feel about this time of the year.
The city I live in has a big park downtown and they light the trees and there is a special evening when there is a band and they turn on all the lights. Previously it was a family activity, but I took the kids by myself this year and it was a lot of fun. It feels like the kids have accepted this reality where they are with one of us and not both of us. But, it would've been so much fun if we had done that as a family unit like in the past.
But as I see it right now, we are not a family. I am a single parent basically and I do everything to make sure that kids are taken care of when they're with me. I wish it wasn't like that, but we all know that we have to step it up and be the stable rock and lighthouse for the kids.
That's cool about the park...we went to a tree lighting thing at Church last Sunday. Going to the local Christmas parade this Friday night. Taking the girls with some other friends so we will stand along the parade route and enjoy some adult beverages.
Yes, W has to hold up her end and it is not my responsibility to ensure she does. I imagine deep down inside our girls know the difference between their home and mom's apartment. Either way it is my W's cross to bare.
One of the things that I am working on is being self-aware of my feelings and not shutting them out, but processing them and doing something constructive with it.
I am a bit all over the map with my emotions lately.
I feel a lot of disgust and some anger towards W today. I have no doubt she had an EA with this guy (I don't know if she has recognized that), which truly began before BD. After BD, one day she came and told me he made a move on her and kissed her, but she pushed him away and was all messed up about what happened. She said she cut him out her life, which I don't fully believe.
Anyways, what's been bothering me is that she put herself in a situation where something like that could've happened. Whether she was naieve about what was going on or didn't want to acknowledge she was doing something inappropriate. She came back that evening and told me that he had made a move on her and she rebuffed him, but wouldn't tell me anything else. This was pre-DB days for me and I didn't handle it the way I would do now.
When all of this happened she has lied to me and not given me the truth and just been deceiving. It's just so much bloody disrespect towards me. Throughout the whole MR, I never even glanced at another woman and made sure I never put myself in a position where something inappropriate, however small, could happen. And here she goes and does this and then goes out on at least one date with someone else. I am sure there were more but I don't know about it and I never really did snoop when we were under the same roof.
Basically at this point, I feel like I don't know this woman at all any more. I have no desire to see her or spend any time with her. Not because I would pursue or engage in R talks or not DB well, but I just don't feel like being around her. She truly feels like a stranger to me.
So, we have kids stuff as all parents do. Some of it is unavoidable like school events, but then there are some extracurricular stuff on the weekends which would be the only time I would have to see her.
My issue right now is that I don't feel like going to them when I don't have the kids during that particular weekend. I don't care to chit chat with her or even see her. I know these interactions are opportunities to show them who you are now and have no expectations.
I do love the fact that I can see the kids briefly when they're not with me during such events, but I just don't want to see her.
I am not trying to make a hard decision whether or not to go to the kids events because she's there, I just feel kinda drained and fed up and I couldn't care less what she's doing at this point. I just want to spend time with what I want to do and focus on me.
I know that I have to be the strong one, the cool one etc etc in such interactions, and do it for the kids and everything, but I just feel kinda beat up right now and I don't want her in my life in any capacity at this point.
I have zero trust in her; I don't believe anything she says; and I am losing my attraction towards her.
Just putting my thoughts and emotions down. I know I've been swinging all over the place, but this helps me process it and put it down on paper, so as to speak.
I shed a few tears because it's so hard to believe a guy like you exists out there - one that would never glance at another woman or be in a situation where something could happen. My husband has done such terrible things that it's hard to imagine having a faithful partner. You are truly a noble and respectable person!
Your kids are still young and if you don't show up at their weekend events for a few months, or however long, I doubt they'll remember that when they grow up. It seems right now you should take care of yourself and avoid seeing your wife. You can always resume attending *all* of their events when you're feeling better and less affected by the bad stuff your wife has done.
My issue right now is that I don't feel like going to them when I don't have the kids during that particular weekend. I don't care to chit chat with her or even see her. I know these interactions are opportunities to show them who you are now and have no expectations.
It's tough and I can understand how you feel. There's up and down days. Having been at this for awhile, I can say the ups and downs are not as steep as they once were.
It's nice to go to the kids events, but missing a few is probably not a big deal and nothing that would effect your long-term relationship with them.
Yeh, when the kids are with me we truly do a lot of stuff and spend a lot of quality time together. We have tons of activities we do and I know that I am not slacking as a parent.
The ups and downs are not so cutting and raw any more, more like a deep ache that will go away. I think that I am just at a point where I don't care whether or not the MR will be saved. The major driver for this is that I know that my W and the person she is now, is not the person I married. If she would ever make a move towards recon, I would have to get to know her all over again, which I am not sure I have the capacity to do.
I have let her go and she will have to reckon with what she has done. I'd rather at this point just get to my own personal goals and then poke my head out to see what's there.
Divorce is no longer something I am afraid of or see as a failure on my part. I just want to be happy and have someone who loves me for who I am. I have taken my failures in the MR into account and know what I have to do to improve myself as a person. But, I also know the game I bring and I know it's top notch - as a partner and as a parent.
So, no interest being with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I know my worth and I know what I'd want in a R. I will go find that woman when the time comes and I am ready to take the plunge.
Also really missed the intimacy with W - being physically close; having the familiar smell of her skin; just nuzzling up with her etc.
You'll have all that again. Might be with your W, might be with someone else. It'll happen though, so be hopeful! And it might be even better than before
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Made me also feel a bit sad thinking about whether she misses the same things from me right now. My guess is probably not because she's so angry at me and probably can't really stand being around me for too long without negative thoughts coming back.
Hard to say. She probably does miss those things but her WAS urges are overriding that right now.
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Also started thinking about if she's getting her needs met by someone else and that just made me a bit mad.
She's lost and confused right now. Even if she's trying to get her emotional needs met elsewhere, it's probably not working. A lot of times we feel mad at them when we should feel sorry for them.
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I know I've lost some weight and I also picked up a scale to see the progress and I've lost 10 pounds. woo hoo!!! I don't have too much to lose but I'd like to lose another 10 pounds and that should put me in good shape. Ab outlines are already happening and so the motivation is there and I have been very good with my food and meds lately. My blood sugar readings for the last week have consistently been in the normal range - this is a combination of eating well, taking meds, and working out. I know that I want to keep it up and soon just from doing these lifestyle changes, I will be able to get off my meds. I have my doc appointment in three months and I want to show off to her what I have accomplished
Awesome, that's great! If you're actively trying to lose weight then try not to drop more than 2 pounds a week, if you lose more than that you lose muscle mass as well as fat.
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I get to see my kids today and I am so excited and pumped. I also decided to pick up learning Spanish/Flamenco guitar and Wood-working in 2018.
