My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Jim1234]

any advice that will help me feel better about myself and my situation.

But I DO recommend you start going out and getting a life, doing fun things with friends, take up new exciting hobbies, be a little mysterious. Let him WONDER if you're moving on without him. And live your life for YOU. Figure out what dreams you've put on hold because of him and child-rearing and pursue them.

This ^^^^ is reposted from kml. This is a large part of the answer to your question.

[Caz49]

Thanks Jim for your reply,

For the last 16 years my H has worked away all week, so I feel my whole life for that time has been getting my own life, doing things by myself. And I have been doing more of that these last few months, going into the city, concentrating on my business, rescuing two more dogs.

I will try and think of a few more goals that I want to achieve in the next few weeks. My H won't bat an eyelid but I guess thats not the point.

There is one thing I'm saving up for and thats a trip to Norway and Iceland. My son wants to go so we will make it a joint holiday.

Nothing else to report apart from me asking for some money today to fix the boiler that broke down before he left. He was never one for helping with the house except for paying for the repairs. So I asked and he sent a short but to the point text that he will provide the money. In the past (probably as long ago as last week) I would've been upset he's so cold but right now I'm snowed under with work and simply just relieved the boiler will be fixed and we'll have heat!

[Caz49]

Not much to update. Hardly any contact apart from a couple of texts regarding money and our broken boiler. We have heat!!! So nice to wake up to a warm house!

Our texts are very to the point, no deviating from the banal subject of money. I have my IC today which will be good to put the yo yo couple of weeks into perspective though.

I've had a good few work projects to keep me occupied and organising a trip to see daughter at uni.

Sometimes I'm just too busy/tired to think of the situation and this must be how H is because he's always busy. But other times my head is full of the situation, especially when I'm walking the dogs.

I will catch-up on everyone else's stories tonight.

[NicoleR]

Caz,

Sometimes life is quite mundane and boring, especially when it feels like there's no progress in fixing or ending our marriages. That's good though you're staying busy. You should definitely go to Norway and Iceland! I love the whole Scandinavia region and I just took my daughter to Sweden this summer and we can't wait to return. I've been going there for 20 years. You'll love it. A trip can also be therapeutic and a great experience for your son.

I hope something good will happen to you soon!

[Caz49]

Thanks Nicole...I hope everything's okay with you?

Ooh, Sweden was on our list too. I've heard it's very expensive to travel the Scandinavian countries? Transport, food and accommodation? Did you find that Nicole? I'm so looking forward to it...just concerned about the dogs. They can be a handful and not sure whether to let my other son take care of them, board them at someone's home or kennel them. Something to research.

I saw my counsellor yesterday, it was a good session. She's so nice. I showed her my H's replies to my texts and she was...I'm not sure which word to use, shocked, appalled, confused. She said his choice of words were robotic, lacking in emotion and business like. She said if thats how he speaks and has conversed with me for so many years it's no wonder I am needing 'more'.

She believes he's been emotionally abusive. Not in the usual name calling way, but slow insidious way, as in stonewalling, not allowing me to be me, speak freely emotionally. Not giving me what I need. It's been going on for so long I hadn't fully grasped it but I'm beginning to wake up.
It's sad. But H may not be someone I should be with...at least for now.

And I hope something good will happen for all of us! Haha, that sounded like something from A Christmas Carol, but it's not long! The next hurdle...Christmas and my 25th wedding Anniversary on Dec 23rd. Always something to deal with on this journey.

[Caz49]

I got a couple of texts from H, they were in reply to my financial texts.
But he also talked about how he was trying to get back but having a hard time due to the traffic across the tunnel (he works in Germany, and drives to the UK)

H hasn't shared his travel arrangements with me in a long time.

I said if the traffic was too horrendous, he shouldn't stress as the children would understand. And to drive carefully whatever choice he made.

H text again saying he had hoped to get back to say Hi to everyone. I don't know if that included me and TBH, I didn't dwell on it but I text back again that the children do understand.

Maybe he is feeling a bit isolated. H has my sympathy, working away has it's pluses and drawbacks...but it's been his choice to put work ahead of everything else. Especially me and the children for many years. I'm thinking he wasn't so snowed under work wise this weekend and had time to see them in. And maybe time to ponder a little...H has never really been a ponderer or ever made the time to do so. Maybe reality is hitting. Who knows?

[pearlharbr]

Caz,

Forgive me if this comes across harshly, I haven't posted here in years and the time and distance from my own sitch have allowed me to let go of the emotions.

It sounds like you kept recent communications strictly business and as soon as he added something personal you reciprocated. This gave him what he wanted, knowing that you are still there for him to meet his needs.

This is the time when you should be focused on YOUR needs. Put him aside entirely. Communicate politely about business (money, kids, house) but nothing personal. It's not your job to protect him from the consequences of his actions. It's not your responsibility to manage his relationship with your grown children. You've done that for decades and look where it got you.

You should spend your time and energy figuring out what you want the rest of your life to look like. Including and especially if and why you want to continue in this marriage that you describe as unfulfilling. No one is going to put you first except you so do that. You deserve it.

[Caz49]

Thank you Pearlharbr, I needed to hear this...and it wasn't harsh at all!

I know you're 100% right.
I think for me I'm just very polite, if someone takes the time to write a text I reply and it does pain me not to reply in detail, so for me I was pretty short. And yes a part of me was relieved he added some personal details. I guess I'm human. I would say 'drive carefully' to anyone on a 6 hour drive. But you're definitely correct in that there was no need to tell him the children understood he couldn't get back. I don't need to answer for them, and shouldn't.

I'm a 'must try harder' work in progress. And it really helps to hear how I should go about these text exchanges as I'm clueless sometimes. So thank you.

I will say I feel so much better when I don't see him or hear from him. Just calmer. Not sure what that means, I will live my life for me (which I've mostly been doing these past months).

[NicoleR]

Caz,

Sweden is a little expensive but it depends on where you stay and shop. I'm American and studied there in college and have had friends there since that time, so when I go I usually stay with friends and don't always eat out which minimizes the cost. But this time we stayed in hotels part of the time and ate at a few restaurants and other times bought food from the grocery stores or even Seven Eleven. The US dollar was somewhat strong this past summer. If you're in the UK I haven't checked to see how it would be for you, but there are options like the Stockholm Hostel with its private rooms and kitchens which is good for adults where you can get a room for $99 USD per night and then you can eat at food courts and sandwich shops if you're looking to save money there. I love all of Scandinavia, but I'd also like to see parts of the UK outside of London, especially Devon. I'd love to live in Europe. If my husband wants a divorce I wish to move over there except it's hard not having support with a young child.

It's good your husband progressed slightly in his texts. Maybe the holidays will present an opportunity for you and your husband to connect somehow. They can also be a lonely time but maybe your husband will come out of his shell just a bit, we can only hope!

[Caz49]

Thanks for the info Nicole, it's very useful.
I like to eat out but I'm just as happy when buying groceries to take back to the hotel. We are also walkers, so love to travel to places that have great walks and trails etc. We also don't mind travelling on local transport too.

That's wonderful you have a whole network of friends in Sweden, it's always nice to see familiar faces as well as new ones. I'm hoping if I start travelling alone or with my son I will make some new friends as I like to connect with people!

If you wish to travel the UK, I especially recommend the highlands of Scotland, Glencoe is one of my favourite places in the world and I've been to some lovely places. It's truly peaceful, atmospheric and genuine. If I move I'd either move there, Cumbria or Cornwall. My goal, when the children have moved on is to find my perfect cottage with a studio and meadow attached for my dogs (replace meadow with a bit of land according to how much spare cash I have!)

I understand your fear of moving with no support. Sometimes the fear of never doing something we've dreamed of is as bad. I need to get brave and listen to my own advice...

If my H won't join me in my future dreams I'm happy to dream alone. He always sidestepped, avoided or downright ignored me when I used to dream or talk about my dreams of moving. He was so obsessed with working, I felt his disdain when I would mention anything that didn't fit with his goal of staying in Germany for work and coming back here for a few stolen hours to 'catch up' with us. It literally would be as if I hadn't spoken. H was very adept at disregarding me.

You know, I'm looking forward to the holidays. My H was good during the Christmas break. He did make time for us...very generous gift wise...because he wanted that time as family time. He forgets there are many many more days in the year. And we don't just exist on summer holiday, Christmas and a few short hours on the weekend.
But we have our routines and traditions to fall back on which is comforting and I'm not unhappy with my own company if the children do spend time with H. I do wonder what he'll do or where he'll take them, but I won't be upset because I will actually look forward to some time alone. Plus my sister will be here Boxing Day.

I think it's more complicated when the children are younger. Will you be alone with your daughter or do you have plans settled for the holidays?