I didn't want to copy your last post because of the length. I could have written the exact same thing as I have he same feelings regarding my W and how my kids are dealing with this mess. My S13 who is a straight A student, on the national honor society, top of his class is now failing in 1/2 of his classes! Recently we had parent teacher conferecnes, I went this time(something my W complained that I never cared to go) to talk to his teacher to try and figure something out. All of his teachers said he seemed depressed all the time and wasn't participating in class and not turning in his homework and on and on. They all wondered what was going on so I told them, they all showed some compassion for my S13 that they would work with him. I talked to my W about what his teachers said and almost seemed liked she didn't care, I have lost so much respect for her that I don't think I will ever regain any ounce of respect after the D. I'm concerned that her selfishness will only harm my kids. What a mess!
Thanks J. Yeh, he told me exactly what he said to the Principal and I validated his feelings and told him that there's lots of changes and it's okay to feel sad about them, but you should always be able to talk about it and feel that you can tell me anything and that I will always love him no matter what.
We then talked about the incident that happened at school and he wrote an apology letter this morning for the other kid that he wasn't nice to yesterday.
I told W what happened and just laid it out matter of fact, without blaming her for anything. I just told what happened, and that I had a chat with S and he's writing an apology letter. Thanks for the reminder, but yeh, I am not saying anything about W to the kids and making sure that whatever is happening with her and I, it doesn't spill over to the kids. She has to manage her relationship with them and I can't control that. I would only step in if I saw that her actions were harming the kids. I know there's a wide interpretation to that, because the separation is already harming the kids.
Dusty - Thanks for your message. I am sorry to hear about your S13. That's such a sensitive time in a kid's life and to have to deal with these issues is like moving Everest. I am sorry to hear that your W is just shirking her responsibilities and doesn't seem to care. You have to take on the added responsibilities and ensure that you're a lighthouse for the kids. I know it's hard to talk to kids at that age, but I hope you can try and see how you can be there for him even more now. That's what I am trying to do. Just be there and be present always and create a stable fun life for them.
In terms of my meet with W this weekend, I was thinking about just doing it over the phone. But, the more I thought about it, it looks weak and she would interpret that as me not being able to face her. So, I am just going to tell her that we move it to a day when we can go to a neutral place and talk and have someone watch the kids for a couple of hours. I realized that for me telling her face-to-face is a huge leap in terms of how I am learning to handle conflict and hard conversations, and I don't want to hide behind a phone for that. So, I'll see when we can have this chat. I've also figured out what I will talk to her about and that's it.
We have a parent-teacher conference tonight for both kids and I am eager to hear what's going on. I've been in communication with my S's teacher and she knows what's the deal.
Parent-Teacher conference went well. Both kids are doing well in school and their report cards were excellent. The incident with my S was something out of character for him and his teacher is not too worried. He had a great day today and is still best buds with the other kid.
I totally didn't feel on edge with W being there and I guess it's getting easier whenever these meetings happen as I don't see her that frequently now.
After putting the kids in the car I told her that the in person chat for this weekend won't work and we need to reschedule as I don't want kids to overhear anything. She said we can chat over the phone, so I will take her up on the offer and get it out of the way instead of waiting.
All in all, I feel like I am in a better place and hearing from my kids teachers that they're doing well was quite a relief. I know they're impacted but I am going to do all that I can to help them flourish.
So, I am calling my W in a couple of hours for the 'chat'. Just wanted to post a few things and hopefully get some feedback before I call her. I know the board is not as active on the weekends, but I'll post anyway.
I am just reading about the squirrel analogy and it is driving my thinking right now.
What I am going to tell her:
1. How I felt during BD and after, without being blaming or accusatory 2. Me feeling better and 'happier' now is because I took an active step towards my own healing process and started that journey 3. There is no 'us' right now. Right now we are just parents of two children and I have zero issues working with her for their wellbeing, but that is 'her' and 'me' as separate people, not 'us'. 4. I am open to talking about 'us' but for me that has to be in the context of working on the MR.
I am only conflicted about #4 right now. Last we spoke a few days ago, she had said that she doesn't want to do MC because she isn't in a place where she can commit to working on the MR. I am worried that if I say #4, then I am maybe closing the door for some conversations that could happen over time.
The only reason I have #4 is because I don't want to put my heart out and be vulnerable with her without a purpose.
So, I don't know what to do about #4. I certainly don't want to put myself out, but don't want to close the door either. She may not warm up to MC for a while, but maybe she may warm up to working on 'us' - spending quality time together, maybe go on some dates etc. I wonder if I lay it down so concretely, it might shut the door for some gentle moves.
I am going to say my bit and then ask her what she wants to share, and then validate her and just actively listen.
I also fear that if I say that I don't want to have the 'us' conversations without the purpose being working on the MR, that I might be adding pressure.
Anyways, I am keeping what Matrix said - she has to pursue me and want to get me back, not the other way around. I just don't want to shut the door on her.
Maybe I am over thinking this.
Forgot to add - feedback would be appreciated. Thanks
Last edited by Cadet; 11/19/1704:36 PM. Reason: Combine posts
M...on number 4 what if you said something along the lines of that your not sure what you want. If my W came to me and said she wanted to Recon or work on the MR I would tell her that I need time to think and process. I have been so focused on myself that I am not sure what I want at this time.
J.... that's a great suggestion. Rather than being concrete about it, I can keep it open and see what she wants to do. Also, this way she can pursue me and I can see how I feel about it.
Again, I am totally being speculative here about that and no idea whether that will come up or not.
I saw her today at a kid event and she was very friendly and talkative. That kind of got my guard up because I don't know if she's trying to soften me up for some news or if she's being genuinely friendly. In either case, I'll find out from the convo.
I've already brought up MC, so she knows that I would need that if we were to work on 'us'. Aside from that I'll just keep it more open then.
I'll come back and give a full report tonight lol. Just realized that part of me really trying to figure out what to say is coming from me being worried about how she will react. I just need to let go of that and do what is important for me and be steady, calm, and collected.
IMO your willingness to work on it is probably implied. At times my W is friendly and at times she is business like. Who knows whats going on in her head. You have said in the past that she would have to change. My W would as well. Maybe you ask her what her expectations are during this sep period? IF she asks you what would you say? IMO I would try to not paint yourself in a corner. You are focusing on yourself, you realize you have opportunities to grow and you are really focused on yourself and working towards being the best M you can be with or without her. If she presses maybe you tell her what you have learned during this self-evalutation period. Maybe make it more about you than her.
Last time we spoke with the big temp check, she said separation was permanent. All she has ever said is that we have to work on our communications in the context of co-parenting, that's it. I got no problem there and I have been more proactive about it.
Yeah those are all good suggestions. I will use the line 'I need to think about this' if I get stuck lol. I don't want to just say stuff.
My initial expectations were that she would want to work on the MR at some point, but she stated she didn't want to. So, if she turns that question around for me, I will say that I am focused on working on myself and be the person I know I am and want to be.
I am just letting go of the fact that I might say something wrong. I know that I won't blame her, be accusatory, and stay cool and calm. Everything else I already know and I just need to not worry about placating her.
Alright, I am going to grab a glass of wine and then collect myself before I call her. For all late night owls on the board, I will come back and give a report
