25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[25yearsmlc]

I'm not sure where the intimacy comes in there^^ but I want to know if he's a low sex drive person. I don't THINK he is but I need to get it out there.

Not sure how. I could just blurt it out (TA DAH! ZING!!)

I'd have the same concern, 25. I can understand not wanting to jump into a physical relationship right away, but a guy who is planning in this much detail in advance - I dunno, just seems a little off to me. And low drive (or performance issues) might be an explanation.

I did ask b/c I agree it could mean a deal breaker. So I broached it and we had a very VERY open discussion, and I feel reassured in this area. He is not a low sex drive person - kind of laughed when I asked -and said he kept his vows but "no, not b/c of lack of desire-

But as you know there's only one way to find out.

I'm almost afraid to say this but - I don't see how another man can hurt me the way h has and I won't be investing 35 years and 3 kids and MANY moves for another man,

and I feel like forged steel. I will again give love freely, and if it's not returned in kind, I'll move along.

I'm going to love whole heartedly or not bother. But I'll know that no matter what happens, I will survive.

This is how I've felt dating. Seriously, what's a little breakup compared to being abandoned by the person you've built your whole adult life with? There are plenty of men in this world and the LAST thing I want to settle for now is someone who doesn't dig me just the way I am.

Amen sister. I have friends who are CRUSHED by the loss of a new relationship and I sort of get it - their shields were up but made of glass. And they crashed hard. I cry for them.

But I just don't feel that way - yet?

And I also don't feel like every relationship has to end up in marriage or a long term commitment - some might just be for a while, and that's ok too if it suits us both at that moment.

YES^^^^ this r with M might be a healing comforting milestone for me, and maybe, maybe that is all it will be. And maybe much more.

In a way, I wish I'd met him later (so I could have my Stella got her Groove Back time).

But casual sex for a woman (never mind the STDs) isn't what the movies pretend it might be. OR so I think.

And timing wise it's great AND bad. Great b/c it's always good to have someone who is a fan and takes time to THINK out why they are fans. At the risk of sounding vain, which I am, I'm an attractive woman yet I cannot recall the last time h complimented my looks. Good grief no wonder I felt unattractive. Great b/c it's helping me heal, while NOT making me feel that M is "rescuing" me. I am rescuing me.

Bad b/c I'm still mired in GDC and wish it was over. M and I try to keep talk of our D's to a few minutes and we do not disparage our former spouses (not much anyway)

I countered h's offer -but I thnk h THINKS a trial will win for him. But as my L said "your h is not a....sympathetic witness...."

no kidding.

Though h told his L he wanted to do a buy out, he is so low balling, it's hard to believe and i don't want him to know of brother's cancer b/c somehow H will see that as a weakness on my "team".

Just to be clear, I'm seeking 25% of h's HUGE salary for 5 years. h makes about 9-10 times more than i will anytime soon. AND The law allows me much more. AND for a lot longer.

And he's spent a year of support already fighting this.

We were together 35 years....(yes I have other assets I get half of, but the spousal support is what is in dispute- and when I tell people the actual piece we are debating, they are horrified he'd hesitate.




All the usual petty dating hardships seem like very small potatoes after the blowup of a long term marriage.

It does to me too. But I know M and I are both leaving long m's and we have been wounded.

But I've done a long year of hard work and M has been sep for 4, with his finalization coming next month. Does not want to officially date (walks and hikes not counting) until it's official. I get that. To an extent---if nothing else, my brother is teaching me Carpe Diem. Tomorrow is promised to no one.

The dance lessons are a way to learn how we work/learn together and if the chemistry lasts. I LOVE TO DANCE

How will M react when I mistake his lead, or when I step on his foot (and God knows I plan on stomping hard!! - you know, just to test)

and I have to admit, H was a great dancer. I fell in love with h on the dance floor...

I told M that in my m, we had danced a long time

M said "well you will need to have a strong new lead & I'll try to be that for you."

Man, I freaking love that^^ line.


OKAY NO NEWS from court except predicting length of time needed for trial in January.

Lovely. In other words, list of witnesses including me calling our children.

AND

Job interview today and I'm about to go.

SO I ASK

Please pray for my children to learn about God's love, to see me as a strong empowered woman (and for me to be one) for me to get a job, a fair settlement and to

and never become bitter. H hid money, he lied and he wronged me.

But his mistreatment - that's FROM and ON HIS own darkness.

d20 hates him so much it cannot be healthy. So much rejection. She said he sent her a text that made her cry. WTF man does that?

THAT is what makes me want to scream. But better not now-- job interviews hate screamers.

Prayers and good thoughts needed and wanted - a lot. People I need my head on straight for this.

((( xoxo )))

[25yearsmlc]

PS

had to share one other thing

d20 told h (many times)

Dad, you were always gone (She did the math with him from her age of 7)

and she said "Mom was there for me, not you. She was the constant."

And h said "I know you FEEL that way"...


\
WTF???

yeah she feels that way b/c it's true. Where does he think I was??

[TBSakaJ9]

Prayers your way 25......you have lived this for a long time. You are stronger than you realize!

Do you find yourself looking at new M and comparing to H? Is it hard to not talk about the past with new M or do you feel both of you are kind of supporting each other?

Just curious as I potentially am entering this new phase of my life and meeting new people who have probably gone through the D process. Thanks!

[25yearsmlc]

Interview went very well. More later. Need to read email from L.


As for dating M and talking about the divorces....

there's not to be overt disparaging of our formers b/c they are the parents of our children and it's beneath us, frankly. And it's too dark.

We are both in a big of a $h1tstorm but his is closer to being resolved semi amicably.

I make it a point NOT to discuss the divorce even if something just happened, for more than 5 minutes b/c I want M and I to have a separate NEW r.

Here is what was said at my interview that relates to all of this.

Apparently the friend who sent my resume also said "there's a divorce/illness, see if you can help 25 out"

or words to that effect.

So she said to me "sounds like you've had a really hard year."

I said, "well that's one way to frame it. But I want to reframe it b/c it's really been a year of tremendously painful growth, with massive transitions & upheaval and I'm looking forward to where I'm headed next."

the interviewer wrote that down.


Divorce talk on dates - make sure the person isn't railing about their ex or you will have a bitter date and that can turn on YOU in a second.

Make sure they own SOME of their divorce b/c it's never all one person. NEVER.

And start talking about what you each want in your life NOW.

I can see some darkness in my h i never saw before or only glimpsed.

What matters to me now is that I want LIGHT in my life, (not h)

and what things will I put up with b/c I was long married to h, and there are things I will not endure again.

In any r.

So it's important that I communicate what those preferences and boundaries are to M.

And to be flexible, b/c M gets to have those preferences and boundaries and needs, too.

Hope that helps

[TBSakaJ9]

Good stuff 25.....thanks for sharing. Yes, it does help. I hope to be able to take a similiar approach. I know it will come up but I want to remain objective and since my W is the mother of my children I think I will always be in her corner. I hope if she is happy that will translate to my children.

[25yearsmlc]

fyi

I waited over a year before I began dipping my toe into dating.

I don't know how anyone can date before then and NOT be reactive, and or needy and or grabbing anything floating.

It's part of why 2nd m's end more often than first.

There are some who will argue, well, we put up with less, but I say, TIMING and GROWTH from the first divorce, determine the most about whether we will last in our 2nd marriages. Or so I hope.

If your wife just left you this past summer and you want to date now, dig a little deeper to see what you're grabbing onto.

It's rebound, per se. Our first r's are rebound by definition. Doesn't make them ALL wrong but it sure puts a weight on it.

[TBSakaJ9]

25...totally not ready to date. I have not yet completed my free fall to discover myself. Still working on that and I am enjoying my time alone. I have discovered things about myself and looked at myself in ways that I never did before.

I was more inquiring for my future when I am ready to take that leap forward.

As always I appreciate your insight!

[kml]

I did date quickly after my ex left - about three months to be exact. BUT - I had been DBing for ten years, we had reconciled and then he went off the deep end again, there was no hope of reconciliation nor would I have taken him back at that time. I had peace in my heart that I had done everything possible to save my marriage and I had already gone through all the DB growth process. So, just saying everyone is different in terms of when they will be ready. The important thing is not to date when you're desperate OR when you're still stuck on your ex or there's a possibility you might reconcile.

[25yearsmlc]

went target shooting with G, and then to eat.

Okay as for shooting, it's not a "get out the rage" thing for me. It's all about empowerment.

My h was (I ASSUMED) my protector, and he's gone now. What to do to feel safe?

I have a gun and I shoot it well and I hit the target often. So there.

I'm protecting myself. I'm rescuing myself (which is a big reason for ME not to date too soon).

I do not NEED a man in my home, and so there's that too.

Re Mr M - he is very concerned with finishing his Gross Div Crap before "really dating" and before "being fully present" which I understand in my head. They've been sep 4 years, closing on house between Nov and Jan.

In my head, this is ^^^ WISE. In my 19 year old (last time I really dated)

ego/heart the reality is I'm used to being pursued harder. True, He calls a lot and texts or calls every night. He travels a lot too (says that changes in Jan).

I date OMs b/c there's no promise not to, at this point. So why not?

So we shall see. I read an article about men dating women 20+ years younger than they are, and it was written by a man, and it was so Unflattering to men.

(Unless the older man wants a fertile woman for procreation - having NOT had a family of his own before. Not the "do over abandoner's" like my h, -ugh).

The author's main points --- "why should a younger woman marry an older guy she will have to nurse in his later years?

What is SHE getting out of it? If it's money, why marry her? Just call it what it is".


Also said

And what do you 2 talk about? I mean in the dark nights of the soul, how do you truly connect? I mean after the sex? Do you want to grow old together OR have her watch YOU grow old and hope she sticks around?


I had A dinner with a 39 y/o recently (breaking my rule not to date anyone closer in age to my son, but i had not asked him his age and he knew mine, so, it did to occur to me to ask him.wtf?)

Anyhow, it became clear that although he's got a masters in some IT field in which I'm inept, he could Not talk about anything OTHER than IT and pop culture and a smattering of talking points on politics (please tell me that IT people are not all like that??)

Finally I asked him how old he was b/c he talked about a fav show of his which my son loves. THat's when he said 39 (my son recently turned 31).

He seemed to think I would be fine and flattered as if HE was the "cool progressive deep" person WILLING to try to connect with a "beautiful mature woman" (his words and you're darn right I'm writing them down --- we all need those pats on the back).

Thing is, he seemed fun. We could "date for fun".

But with no future FOR ME. I don't want to have him push me around in a wheelchair always waiting for him to bolt for the woman NOT in the wheelchair.

I want to grow old (not now!! but still) WITH someone.

Not long before them, nor from afar watching them as they make their walk to eternity alone, b/c I'm too far behind...

I want to grow old with them.

So that's what I learned.

Another thing I learned is that although I like camping and hunting and fishing

those are things H loved and I learned to like them too. But would I like them, if not for him?

Does that matter? I KNOW I love dancing and theater and that's a certainty.

LOVE LANGUAGES NEWSFLASHES FOR ME

I always said my LL were quality time and acts of service

But by being married to a doctor, I got almost none of either.

Interesting to me.

And the other day when the young guy (39 is young to me)
said I was "beautiful"

I thought about h's strong urgent need for words of affirmation. And it hit me that I cannot recall the last time h told me I was attractive or beautiful or anything abuot my looks.

When I made him laugh hard, he'd say "great line" for my comedy jokes, (he was a good laugher)

but about my looks?? No in years. And why not?

I mean, I am good looking enough for a man to comment, so why'd my own h hold that back so much?

AND is it one of my LL's - or did I deny needing those words b/c they were another thing I got so little of, that I decided it did not matter? Were quality time/acts of service just my HOPES??

Same for gifts. Thought, "eh, not such a biggy."

OMG the anniversary "gifts" I did not get or got the opposite of (gifts for HIM under the guise of "anniversary" gifts). Maybe they would have mattered but SO MANY times he dropped the ball on special days, it was embarrassing. Truly.

But this is NOT about h, it's about ME

h can remain on the tundra backburner to the place of irrelevance he so richly deserves;

I'm just wondering what I, 25, REALLY do want as routes of receiving/giving love.

There are Acts of Service, (Can't think of one from h in past 3 years...literally)

Quality time (none with h but I'm pretty sure that's a real YES for me.)

Gifts - not the showy kind you brag about but a thoughtful item, sure.

NOT a "Fitbit" OMG I got that from h for my birthday right after my mom died, and it was RED so you couldn't pretend it was a watch. I should have written "Thanks h, signed 'fatso wife" except I was never fat. But I did lose 15 lbs, HEY did schmoopie gain 15 IQ points, so that she's now in the dullard range??)

YIKES I'M ON A ROLL settle down girl,

okay back to healthy talk....

point of all this is to discover what my love languages are - how I want love given to me AND without turning away from it b/c it's given in someone sincerely making an effort but not knowing my "routes"....


and how I GIVE/SHOW love. I like to cook, so acts of service is one of my giving ways.

I need to ponder the rest.

But can you all see how valuable it is to figure ths out before dating too much?

M (the guy I'm most drawn to) asked me If I liked camping and I know he does.

I said yes -(and without consciously knowing it, I said yes PARTLY b/c I wanted to like what he likes!)

Then I realized I've done a lot of camping and that's b/c H took us camping b/c HE liked it!!

And in time I learned to like it b/c it made life easier and b/c a part of me is outdoorsy and a tomboy. I shared all this with M b/c it just means I'm still learning -- finally I said "I like camping IN some form of structure no more laying on gravel and not being able to lift my spine the next day. Those fun days are behind me."

and another random insight of HIS (M's) was that we are both surviving our marital plane crashes. Let us hope and build on what we have in common OTHER than this.


AMEN

Hence the ballroom dance lesson we plan on taking in January. A lot can happen between now and then, but I still find myself with my fingers crossed for us..

OTOH there are men out there over 50 who seem all too happy to date women their own age. So far...

One thing at a time...AND

on that happy note,

have a good Saturday night people.

xoxo

[kml]

As for young women with older men - I've thought about that with my ex and his 19 years younger bride.
On the one hand - he's charming, as narcissists can be. And as a surfer, he was in great shape when she met him even though he was in his early fifties. And because he's a physician making over $300k, she gets a nice lifestyle, financial security and exotic vacations.

On the other - he's no longer invincible, had to stop surfing, had shoulder surgery, is losing his hair and going gray. And I still fear that CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy) is in his future. I hope she'll care for him in his old age, but know that at my age, 61, I wouldn't want to be caring for an 80 year old husband.

As for the 39 year old? My experience with younger men was nice, but it's really only for today, no future in it. So that does leave us with a narrow path. Someone close to our age , not too much older or younger. But that has to include physiological age - some men my age are already too old for me.

Then add in other baggage - I wouldn't date a guy with grade school age kids, maybe teenagers. But my kids are grown and I still have enough parenting to do with them.

The guys I've dated either didn't have kids or they were grown.

All of this being said - the most important things, how you relate and values and interests - are more important than anything. And even the perfect match on paper could die of a heart attack tomorrow.