Two questions....

[Gordie]

Don’t beat yourself up. I’m not a big snooper but I have given I to the temptation and like you...it always makes things worse. So stop hurting yourself. If the urge is too great, then get a separate phone plan so you can’t look.

And you have to stop the mind reading. What did they talk about for 2.5 hours? Goodness, thinking about that is really pointless. Wedding planning? The Alabama senate election? How bad the Giants are this season? You will never know and it doesn’t matter.

He is in his own little fantasy land right now. His actions and words and thoughts are all over the place. He probably doesn’t know what they all mean or even remember them.

Here’s a message I had to receive on this board 100x before it started sinking in: take your eyes off of him and on to you. One day at a time. One hour st a time. One minute at a time.

So happy you are rocking the gym. Maybe you want to get a job if you don’t have one. It’ll give you something to do and new skills to master and people to meet and extra cash. Maybe you want to volunteer? Get more involved in your religion? Do you have kids or nieces and nephews? Spending time with young people always gives me joy.

Do you have a friend with whom you can confide? Or a friendly acquaintance who has been through divorce? If she has, then she is probably willing to lend an ear to your story. People can’t help you if they don’t know what’s going on but I have found some very helpful people (some unexpected) after I opened up to them (and I am a very private person so this was hard for me).

[peacetoday]

Hi

WE have all snooped!
better to focus on you and make a plan or activity

He seems happy, but its not real
new love, high hormonal surge and all that goes with that
it doesn't last

You are doing the work-grieving, therapy, changing

he is having fun drinking, eating taking trips
it wears off as all new R will

keep going with the focus on you
do your part to be kind and practice letting him go even for a little bit

I have not seen many MLCers wind up happy long term
there may be some but most LBS will report there H gets worse over time
because they run in replay and many do not stop running

[Adios]

Trying to 'get a life' is hard when my life was my M & H. It's amazing how much spare time I have now that it's just me. I realize that I didn't work on myself much during the M because I didn't have to. I had distractions that removed the necessity.

Now I see all that I need to work on very clearly and it's a bit overwhelming. So I guess I'll start small and build on that over time.

One of my first step is going to be this - become a more disciplined person and quit being so LAZY. I can't believe how I can whittle a day away and get next to nothing done despite how much I could be doing. '

I don't just mean housework and other chores either. Those count but I need to spend constructive time on myself too, starting with looking after my physical health through diet and exercise. With all the time I have now, I should at least be able to do that much, right? I will need to address my emotional issues too and how I wound up in the situation I am in now.

H called me this morning and I think I handled that call quite well. I was polite, friendly (but not anymore than I would have been with the mailman), cooperative etc. NOT even once did I take a shot or fire a zinger, or attempt to talk about anything other than the business we had to discuss. Very proud of myself.

Underneath all that pride though, it still bugs me that he doesn't seem to be doing too bad himself right now. Going to work on that next!

[Gordie]

Gal pal,

Now is the time for the new you. Experiment and see what works for you. You can do anything for a short period of time to see if you like it. Try 180s. You have nothing to lose!

Are you a night owl? Try getting up at 6am wit the aim of going to a coffee shop by 8am! If you do that for a month, everyone will know you by name and you’ll be a regular.

Pamper yourself. Draw a daily bath? Get your nails done weekly? Eat fresh fruits and vegetables. Never tried acupuncture or a massage? Try it.

Are you an introvert? Learn how to talk to strangers! Really, you can do or be anything you want right now. Take advantage.

And I mentioned this before but maybe a paid or volunteer position is what you need for structure in your life in this period.

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree with Gordie, it is good to seek out some new activities to get you out of the house and mixing with people. In the early days, I volunteered in a charity bookstore, which was good fun and really helped take my mind off things for a few hours. Also, I joined a book club and started going to an aqua fit class.

More recently, I've taken up dancing and joined a choir too, plus a yoga class. All of this added together - and meeting new people through these activities mean - viable and rewarding new life to replace the gaping void left by departing midlife spouse.

If you'd like to get more fit, maybe think about joining something which will help you link with others - like a walking group, dance class or similar - something fun that you would genuinely enjoy.

Xx

[Adios]

Thanks for the comments. I have been looking for a job for awhile now. I've had a few interviews but no luck. And for minimum wage jobs too. I could be overqualified (post grad degree), or too old (retired), or it could be suspicion that I would return to a seasonal job I've had for the last 3 years. Either way,, didn't get hired.

I LOVE the idea of getting up early and going for coffee. Then I can keep going and go to the gym! I always thought the best way to start the day was to get going early. Thanks to my low mood (depression) I just can't seem to get going at all.

Saw my gp today and got a prescription for an anti-anxiety/anti-depressant. Right now, I am on perpetual alert which is exhausting. Dr. says it's generalized anxiety. It makes it impossible to read a book, or even follow a tv show for long.

Hoping I feel better soon and can get going. It's not that I don't want to or think I don't need to, but right now my mental mood is working against me.

I actually think once I feel better mentally I will also be less despondent about my situation. That would be so nice.

[job]

I am glad to read that you saw the GP. I, too, am one that loves to get up early, have a cup of coffee and head out either to the gym or some other activity that is on my list for that particular day.

When I was in the early days of my xh's crisis, I found reading to be difficult. What I found that helped me, at home, was to do jigsaw puzzles. You don't have to put a lot of thought into them and the shapes made it more soothing to just look, pick the piece up and stick it in the proper place. I must have done at least a 100 or so of puzzles those first couple of years. As time went on, I noticed that I was able to begin reading again and doing cross stitch. Start out with something simple and work back up to those things that you can't fully concentrate on at the moment.

It's one step at a time and work up to one day at a time...

[Adios]

Thanks Job - I am going to get a puzzle! I think that's a great suggestion.

On to another question. I am having doubts about whether I am handling things right lately. My H is in a long distance relationship. They talk daily on the phone and visit each other every 6 - 8 weeks.

In the beginning, H frequently said this R will never work because of the distance and also because it wasn't what he wanted. She is possessive and jealous and asked for monogamy. He agreed but didn't plan to comply because 'she will never know'. He almost cancelled the last trip saying he wanted it done but went anyway and now another trip is booked for February.

Back in October when things between them were pretty weak, I decided to really pull back my contact with H. I decided not to initiate any contact but only respond to him. Also decided to eliminate many reasons that H was using to come by as see me - like repairing things, or doing chores. He was using these things as excuses but I told him to stop and just come by for a cup of tea every so often if he wanted to. Enforcing that has gone well and I am calmer. The odd time he has come by it's always for repairs and he has NOT be in good spirits when he's been here. Depressed, angry (generally, not at me), and sometime suicidal type comments. I put that down to having trouble with his OW.

So now, he does appear to be monogamous - no contact with other women, very little contact with me and not trying for more either, no dates, no scouting for dates, no bars/clubs etc. So that early replay 'kid in a candy store' stage seems to be done and she is now firmly entrenched in his life - from a distance, no less.

The phone calls have escalated in between as well. H said a couple of months ago he didn't want the obligation of having to call her every night and talk for an hour. But now, they talk for at least an hour every night and sometime 2 hours or more. In addition, now there is an early morning phone call before either of them go to work varying from 5 - 15 minutes. He also just returned 3 days ago from a visit to see her and has booked another flight to go back in February.

I have to ask,,, is this still MLC??? Or is this a guy who has figured out what he wants and it's her? And now he's behaving? He doesn't seem too depressed anymore but he sure was before he went on the last visit. Also told me before leaving he has 'lots on his mind'.

Anyway, I am still continuing with my very limited contact with him. We talked on his last pay day (to allocate to expenses etc) and we don't plan to talk again until his next pay day in another 2 weeks. There is absolutely no reason now for either one of us to contact the other until then. I also have set up a simpler banking/budget arrangement for January that would eliminate entirely our need to talk at all about his pay check and how to allocate.

If I go ahead with that plan then H and I could go months without having a reason to contact each other. In the beginning of this effort to reduce contact, I thought this would be good as it gives his lots of SPACE to figure things out.

Already though, all I've noticed is that his R with OW has just deepened, or at least his obligation to have daily extended contact with her has increased. With all this contact with her - morning before work, during the day sometimes, after work, then again after dinner, and sometimes another call before going to bed - where will he get any SPACE to work on his issues? He has no time alone, really.

I've basically removed myself from much contact with him so he does have space but OW is now dominating a good chunk of his time to contemplate things. How on earth will he ever get through this stage if she is a constant distraction?

Am I doing the right thing to try to eliminate the need for twice monthly conversations with H? From all that I've read and learned I think this would be the right thing to do but with the OW in the picture I'm not so sure now. If I eliminate the need for all contact, I am worried he will become entirely dependent on OW for all his emotional needs and not ever need to hear from me again.

He's not quite there yet, but I see it as a definite possibility. We have to meet in a couple of weeks to talk about this budget and some other business. His suggestion to go out to pub to do that but that isn't necessary. We need to talk but it can just as easily be on the phone as at a pub too.

How the heck to handle this contact issue I'm struggling with. I thought I was doing well but now I have serious doubts about how to go forward from here. More contact? Less contact? No contact? Help!

[Sotto]

Hi GalPal - all of that sounds like a lot of ruminating about him and what to try and do to get things right..

Actually the right thing (IMHO) would be to shift your focus entirely and live your life without worrying about how that may impact on him. Not easy I know - but possible - and freeing for you too..

Personally, I would dial any contact right down to bare minimum and business only. Brief, breezy, pleasant - and keep busy yourself - build a new life as though he may never come back.

I think if you do that and leave him be, you won't regret it. Truly, I think unless we are really nasty to the MLCer, whether they choose to drop OW and turn back to the M is up to them.

Hope this helps anyway...:-) xx

[AndrewP]

Google love bombing sociopath.

Not saying that is what is happening but I've heard this song before.

No matter what's going on over there though - it's nothing to do with you. Google - "smile and wave boys".