I am sorry to read that you are having a difficult time today. It's not an easy road to travel and 5 months is a very short period of time on the Yellow Brick Road. I think you are wise in seeking medical advice about your depression. Hopefully your doctor will prescribe something to help you deal w/the depression, etc. If you weren't depressed, I would be surprised because many of us start out that way and as we move along the path, we become stronger, but it takes time.
Cry when you need to. Crying is a way of helping you heal. Allow those tears to fall, feel the pain and release it. In time, you'll discover that you will be crying less and getting stronger in the process. There is no shame in crying. You've got to feel in order to heal.
Now, about the party this evening...I know you don't want to go...but since you are being pressured into going, I would go, make my presence known, say hello, eat a few snacks and then slip away. You will have covered that event and no one should say a word about you being there and slipping away.
Hang in there. It will get better, but it's going to be a while.
GalPal - Most of us have been right where you are now. It does get better.
Crying helps. It helped me a lot. It also helped me a lot to journal and write here about some of the most boring and mundane of things.
If you can get in to therapy that may help. It certainly helped me. My therapist gave me some good tools to deal with depression and yes - suicidal thoughts.
Do you have any good friends who will pass you a glass of wine and a box of tissues?
We nag about this a fair bit here, but detaching helps most of all. Letting them go off to play with the fairies and not watching them, speculating about them, worrying about them. It doesn't mean that you don't love them any more. I found this really really hard.
Be good to yourself. You deserve that.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I do go to therapy - have for weeks now. Right now it's more talking out the confusion and what I want to do rather than releasing the emotion. I'll bring it up next time.
I also go to church and pray daily. Pray for relief and guidance with what I have to do. Pray for help to detach and drop the rope. I'm stubborn though I guess because it isn't helping so far.
Friends - they must be worn out by this crisis by now. I lean on them a lot and they are really good with me. But they can't be here with me all the time.
ATM - I am preparing legal separation documents. I may need that level of detachment. Divorce next - the h@ll with Standing - I'm done. Right now I am dependent on H's income to keep me in the house. I hate that and want to sell what we have and take the proceeds to buy my own place outright (pre-nup says I can. No mortgage or payment and just me on the title. If I can get this done it would be huge - I won't need him for anything then and he can ride off into the sunset with his fantasy squeeze. There would still be a bit left for him to buy his own place (with a mortgage though) - then we are free of each other.
Right now I have to talk to him regularly and I hate that. I do okay when I have no contact but then on pay days we have to talk and the wounds get reopened to bleeding point again. A few other things going on too that require conversation but they can wrap up soon too.
I would love to have all contact cease completely. I doubt he could handle it. He will likely resist signing the Separation papers too. I just have to present it to him like it's the greatest benefit to him then maybe he will agree.
Pretty sure he will resist anything changing though - legally, or selling house etc, because he would then lose his connection to me which he seems to want to keep. He needs a reason to stay in touch and I want all those reasons removed so I can ride off myself and never look back.
After I've ridden off into my sunset, I'd like to peek back once in awhile to see the fall-out with OW when she learns my H has no money. hahaha... Pre-nup gives it to me - almost all of it. She thinks it would be an even split leaving him lots of money, but it's not even close. A kid out of High School will have more in his childhood piggy bank than he will get by the time I'm done with him.
Yup - 61 years old and renting a run down shack with no money in the bank. Has a nice car though. Something tells me she'll be moving on herself soon after she figures that one out.
Last edited by job; 12/02/1709:31 AM. Reason: edited a word
Welcome to this bizarro world. Yes, my stbx also goes nuts when I am NC despite the fact she is with OM2. I don’t get it, but have learned to stop trying. Best wishes on the settlement. Sounds like you are taking the right medical and non medical steps to address your depression. Do take care of yourself, especially on those bad days. Give yourself a much needed break.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Bleeding all over again after a 2 minute call from H. He just flew back from an 8 day visit with his OW this morning. Why is that knowledge worse because today is my 65th BD? Milestone BD and all I can focus on is that H picked today, of all days to fly home.
Then he calls me a few hours later. Didn't answer his first attempt, but did the second attempt. H asked how I was ("good"), then wished me HB ("thank you"), then talked about a necessary thing.
I was polite but then ended the call quickly - less than 2 minutes total.
I hate this endless emotional pain. I was so sure over the last few days I was done with him and then I wake up today and guess what,,, I'm not sure anymore that I am.
So today again, I am back to Standing and wondering where the heck I'm going to find the strength to do that over the next x number of years. I realize also, that to NOT stand also takes strength so I better find mine soon.
I find encouragement in the stories of those who have restored marriages. They managed to get a life and move forward despite the MLC. Right now I don't know what to do to move forward. Winter here and I'm a hibernator at the best of times. No family nearby and a few friends that work. A few more friends that winter in warmer spots. Then me,,, retired with nothing to do and no energy or interest to figure that out right now.
So I sit around and mope a lot. Joining a gym tomorrow so I can at least keep the weight down. I lost a ton in the beginning but that phase is done and now I can't be bothered to eat right so grab whatever is 'there' and not caring if it's healthy or not.
Can't help but this pain that today,,, of all days,,, I am alone. All I want is to turn back the clock for just this one day and have my old life back long enough to have my cherished H with me.
I have not posted here yet, been lurking. But I wanted to post and first say happy 65th birthday. It is indeed a milestone and a testament to your life and your strength.
I also wanted to say how heartfelt and human your desire for one day with your H of old is. It is indeed very sad, but also speaks to your capacity to connect and love and be loved. Those of us who can love deeply enjoy the heights and depth but unfortunately also feel the pain deeply. It’s part of the bargain.
Please keep the focus on yourself, take care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Keep moving even when you don’t have the energy, it will help a lot. And start planning for that 66th birthday, because that is a milestone too. And today you hold that love that your H has lost in his madness, and love yourself like he should be doing.
Sorry for the pain...There are a lot of ups and downs for the LBS The pain eases in time but still comes and goes for the first few years Its tough to grieve ...and the grief comes like waves as time passes and we work through the grief it comes less and less,,,If we avoid it as the MLCer does , it will never go away it will only get stuffed down only to come up once again
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Happy birthday!!! This is such a rough ride. I’m so sorry that this is a tough day for you. Birthdays and anniversaries and holidays are rough because we remember celebrating with our spouses or ex-spouses.
Congratulations on joining a gym! Try to make a habit of going. I’m a man of routine and if I figure out a way to incorporate something new into the routine—there it sticks. But the diet part? Yeah, don’t just grab something. You have time on your hands? Enjoy the process of making something delicious or invite a friend to join you. Keeping healthy is 80% diet and 20% exercise.
Take baby steps to GAL. What do you like to do? Are there social activities that you enjoy where you can make new friends? I find spending too much alone time leads to unproductive thoughts and moping so I try to avoid that. And the great thing about meeting new people is they don’t know anything about you and you can be whoever you want to be.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Happy Birthday! I'm sorry that it's been a rough day for you. The MLCers' empathy chip is broken and they have no clue as to how we feel about what they are doing.
I know this hurts, but you've got to continue to move forward. Gordie has asked an important question, especially one that is just about right for this time of year. Are there any social activities that you enjoy and where you can make some new friends? What about a book club? Think his question or a while and I bet if you were to look around, you just might find a group of people that would enjoy your company. Congrats on joining a gym. This is a step in the right direction.
As for your h, leave him to his selfish ways. You've got a life to live and if he's stupid enough not to be a part of your life at this time...then shame on him!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone for weighing in and for the birthday wishes. It did make me feel better.
Now today - not doing well again. I have some very bad habits that I must stop somehow. Like the snooping. More on this in a sec.
This morning H calls me again regarding his pay and finances. It's a bi-weekly conversation (brief) about how to allocate his next pay.
It really bugged though how very HAPPY he sounds. Why the heck should he be happy? Especially after all he's done to destroy my piece of mind and emotional security. It's coming up 6 months and I'm still an emotional mess every day. And now to hear him sound HAPPY?
He just got back from the 8 day love fest with his new love. It's a love fest because they don't stop for long in that regard, if you know what I mean. There is an obvious emotional bond there too now, but in the beginning it was all lust. So this is why he's happy now. Those 8 days have turned his apparent misery into happiness. Before this trip, he was moody, depressed (saying its the worst yet), angry, confused, sounding suicidal at times. Now after 8 days with her he's healed and happy. So it's the long distance relationship and the separation from her that makes him unhappy. 8 days cured that for now.
To make matters worse for me,,, I checked the phone records for last night. (I know, I know...) He'd only been separated from her for a mere 14 hours and then on the phone last night for 2.5 hours! Wow - who talks that long? Anyone? Well yes,,, they do. I can't help wonder if they are planning his relocation to her, or her relocation to here, or maybe planning their wedding. Never mind he's not divorced yet and says he doesn't want to be either but it's an evolving situation with him and what he wants.
So somethings afoot. You just don't gab for that long without something serious to gab about especially after you just spent 8 solid days with each other.
I hate not knowing what this poisonous man is going to spring on me next. I'm going to start cutting all ties with him and hope that one day I will have the option of NEVER having to see or talk to him again. Right now that's impossible because we have too much joint business.
I wish I had never checked those phone records. It's sent me off in a direction today that I never planned. That's a lesson to me about how dangerous that habit can be. It's a catch 22 though because I want to know what's up so I'm not blindsided again but once I know it hurts me so much all over again.
Goodness, I need help. I've always been strong but this situation has brought me to my knees and continues to do so.
On a positive note, the gym I joined today is beautiful. I will have no problem spending time there to get away, unwind, get fit, and start enjoying myself and my life.
