First, please understand that you did nothing wrong. There isn't a recipe for the right or wrong way of dealing with MLC. You have to try different things and keep only those things that seem to work for you. Give him as much space as he can get and time is on your side. The affair has to die a natural death and you and your family really shouldn't interfere in trying to discourage him. Why? Because the more you do this, the more enticing the affair looks.
Right now, he's suffering from the depression that is associated not only with the affair (the break ups and the distance), but also from the crisis. There's nothing you can do about this...but be a good listener and not pass judgement on him.
BTW, if he hadn't met up w/this woman, there would have been another. Why? Because he was ripe for an affair due to the crisis. He may think he's rescuing her from her so called dreary life. As you have noted, she's controlling and is treating him like a child if she's wanting him to call her every day or vice versa. Apparently, she doesn't trust him. That's good because a house built on mistrust will surely shake and fall down at some point. (Hopefully)
He's going to have that old euphoria rev up each and every time he's having a good time w/the OW and just like all things...it will drop to a low measure when things aren't going well. This is all typical of an affair and how it affects the brain and that "feel good" feeling.
If you and your daughter think he may have some shame going on...it's not about ending the affair, but it could very well be shame w/a mix of guilt about what he's doing to you and your daughter. If he truly wanted to end the affair and be ready to do the hard work...he would find a way to do it. Right now, he's confused and dealing with a lot of shame, built and uncertainty. Again, the best thing to do is leave him alone, allow him to figure things out for himself and give him plenty of space. So much space that he chokes on it. Also, he has to work through is crisis at his speed and time table, which is very slow. You and your daughter are on a faster pace...his crisis didn't happen over night and it's going to take as long as it takes for him to work through his issues on his own.
What can you do to make it right? Give him the time and space he needs. Continue to live your life as if he may not return...but leave the door ajar for him. Continue to move forward and if he wakes up, he will need to figure out how to earn your trust again. Please try not to dwell on the ow. She's just a band aid to his internal pain. Allow that woman to show her true colors to him w/o and interference from you or your daughter. Dig deep for patience because you will need it as the days fly by.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job for all your helpful comments! I have been practicing the 'giving lots of space' lately and it does seem to make him think more. His depression has seemed to increase at the same time.
I really do have to work on not being judgemental or getting in a few subtle digs every now and then. He notices them every time and it annoys him which isn't good. So I am going to stop and really work on the non-judgmental part. It's so hard though when it comes to the OW. He deserves much worse from me than he has ever got over this affair but I will try to pull back even more.
My extra torment though, isn't over the fact that he is in an affair. I know from reading that this was bound to happen eventually. I am just so regretful that his affair is with THIS OW who by all appearances has a serious mental health condition. I'm worried that these affairs don't run the usual course and then end but go on forever or for many many years.
I think I'd be handling it better if he chose a less damaged OW because there might be a natural progression through the affair to its end. But this affair and perhaps his crisis will never end and it will go on for years longer than it would have otherwise. I hope not but that's my fear all the same.
The depression you are seeing right now is the tip of the ice berg. The really dark depression will come and along with it the withdrawal from just about everything.
Generally the OP has issues as well as the MLCer. So, I'm not surprised to read that this OW has issues. Your h may one day realize just how good he had it at home and may opt to cut off all contact w/the ow....but he's got to figure that one out all by his lonesome. It's difficult to say whether he will come out the other side or not...but we can pray and hope so.
Dig deeper for patience and put a rubber band on your wrist so that if you are ready to say something that you may not want to really say...snap that band and it will divert your attention from those thoughts. Always remember...when in doubt...do nothing. Sit quietly and the answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Switching topics here. I have read some very conflicting advice on how to handle the situation when there is an affair going on.
Lots of advice saying to go NC or very dark as long as your spouse is in an affair. Should mention that my H and I do NOT live together and we consider our marriage 'done'. (At least for now it's done but who knows down the road). Under these circumstances would the advice to go NC still stand? I get it if the spouse is still living under the same roof but what about when they aren't?
In my situation, my H has supposedly 'moved on', but not really because he says and does many things that suggest he is very torn. He does not seem content or happy with the choices he has made. I don't think he wants to come home exactly, but he doesn't seem to want to move any further away from me either. He is not wanting ANY legal action nor does he want our house sold. I get the impression that he is trying to keep the option open for a return at some point.
Under these circumstances, the advice to go very dark or NC seems wrong. I'm not trying to get him home quickly by any means because I think its WAY too early for that.
I keep reading that the affair is an important part of the journey and not to interfere or short cut it. So if I go NC because he is in an affair, and it influences him to end it, then isn't that shortcutting it? Won't he just find another OW? Or worse, if I go NC and he doesn't end it, then I have to go forward barely seeing or hearing from him.
The limited contact is how I've been so far and it seems to have backfired on me a bit. In one way, it does seem like he took notice but instead of ending it he just got more depressed. AND... we went weeks without talking much and now there is so much distance between us. It's awkward now and it wasn't before the limited contact.
So I've changed my mind slightly about it and eased up. I still don't contact him and let him do that instead. He only goes 3 - 4 days before he calls about something. Not important stuff either, but it seems he just needs the contact. We go longer not seeing each other in person 1 - 2 weeks but when we do it's very brief and not unfriendly but not friendly either. All this since I went limited contact. So IDK.
Next week he suggested going out to pub for a drink or two. Seems he wants to get back on track in some way with our friendship which was very strong before all this. I want this as well, but then the advice about NC when an OW around is in my head and making me wonder if I should.
My thoughts today are, if we can navigate back to friends then maybe it will help him see a way back home at some point much later in the crisis. Not sure how the friendship will go when there is a lot we cannot talk about now.
I just don't know how to handle this now. Friends or no friends? Contact or NC? I think friends would be quite limited and not frequent but who knows.
Thanks for reading and hopefully some light can be shed on this from a DB point of view.
I would continue to allow him to contact you. You can go dim, not totally dark w/him if that is working for you. We advise that you not contact them unless there is something urgent or needs his attention. The more focus that he puts on you, the less focus he is putting on himself, i.e., dealing w/his issues.
When they say not to interfere with the affair and to allow it to die a slow death, they mean that you don't talk to him about it, don't demand that he end it and don't contact the ow. If you do these things, you are only going to push them closer together and it puts pressure on him and generally when that happens, he will choose the easiest route, i.e., anger/being nasty and yes, divorce.
BTW, being friends w/a MLCer isn't always the easiest thing to do because friendship means something totally different to them. Try to remember what it was like when you were a little girl and had a friend...it's not always the same as an adult. Your h is reliving his childhood, so friendship means something else to him.
If something is working for you, then do it. This is all a trial and error experiment and only you know what works for you and your situation.
Always, try to remember to listen and validate his thoughts, comments, etc. He's not looking for you to pass judgment on him or point the finger at him. You will need to bite your tongue many times over and purchase lots of duct tape to seal your lips shut. That's why it is important to dig deep for patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I still have more questions. I have so much to learn about how to handle things.
When H contacts me, do I respond right away? Or let him leave a message and call back hours later or next day? Advice I've read before and again not too sure about. Feels like manipulation or game playing to make him wait to talk to me.
How much affection to show when we are together? I have been quite distant - like you would be with an acquaintance you aren't sure about yet. At times our pet names for each other slip out - both of us do it. Before the MLC it was always pet names, now it's almost exclusively our formal names.
Early MLC - 1st couple of months post BD there was a LOT more affection - hugging, hand squeezing, declaring love (yes). But once H moved out it pretty much stopped along with the contact.
It feels so strange to be distant when together. Should I try to get us to relax with each other more? Maybe not back to hugging etc, but just relaxed more, and easier conversation. Or just leave it be and let him lead?
When do I respond when he contacts me? I would wait a bit of time before responding back to him. It could be 15 minutes or could be longer before you contact him, it depends upon what you are doing while living your life. You don't want to appear like you are sitting there waiting for him to contact you. I don't consider it manipulation or game playing because you should be living your life, just as he is doing.
How much affection should I show when we are together? I, personally recommend that you follow his lead. If he hugs you, hug him back. They generally do not want us to touch them. This is called "cooties time". (Just as kids don't want us gushing over them.) Follow his lead on this. I would stick to the formal names for the time being. Yes, the pet names will slip out periodically because habits are hard to break.
Should I try to get us to relax with each other more? The only way he's going to relax around you is if you relax and just be yourself. Conversations should stick to safe subjects and not on the ow. Listen and validate what he has to say. If you sit quietly and really listen, you will discover quite a bit about wht he's think and doing. They do love to talk about themselves if they know you are showing interest. Look to him as someone you know like the mailman, department store employee, etc. You don't have deep conversations w/these folks and that's how you need to react/respond to him for now. It will take time to get the hang of this because you are dealing w/the mirror image of the man you love and quite frankly, it's difficult to "force" this issue. Again, follow his lead. Don't try so hard to get things to move in the direction that you want them to....it's still early in the crisis for him. You don't want to scare him off w/overtures of affection or trying to set the mood for relaxation. Just be yourself and allow things to naturally progress...don't try to rush the process.
BTW, have you done any reading of the homework or other posters' threads. There is a ton of information out there. I do want to mention that when you start comparing this forum with others, each forum is unique and may not always agree on what is advised and/or suggested and that's where confusion will come into play for you. It's okay to read all of the sites out there, but only take away what is working for you.
I also recommend that you read the following thread:
Last edited by job; 11/28/1706:37 AM. Reason: added link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi GalPal. I noticed you posting away in our little club and have browsed through some of what you have written and job's (as always) calm and reasoned responses.
Your story is very similar to many others here, especially where the husband has run off. If you would like to "go visiting" you may want to check out what posters like HaWho (who has a live-in) and LouR, Westo and others have posted. You'll see glimpses of other stories from the people who visit their threads as well.
While this might not help explain anything to you, it will perhaps let you know that what you are experiencing has happened to others and hopefully from their stories you can gain insight into your own. My own story (full of drama and angst) is perhaps a bit different because the genders are reversed. There are also some similarities as well especially around the indecision and depression.
A key thing that I've gotten from your writing is that you want to help him find his path. One thing that it was tough for all of us to learn (especially me - I'm a slow learner) is that they have to find their own as do we ourselves.
From the age of your daughter that you reference, it sounds like you are a mature couple as well so I would suggest that you take legal advice and make sure that you protect yourself and your retirement. Not all MLCers make poor financial choices but many in fact do.
Good luck - keep posting. I'm sure others will come around especially once you've had a chance to "visit the neighbours".
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you once again for your great advice. I have read a lot of the posts like Sandi's rules and went back to review. Still lots there aim haven't read as well so making my way thru them. Your comments on relaxing and conversation are great and I need them right away. We are getting together next week for a pub visit and I really wondered how to handle myself.
AndrewP -
Hi Andrew and thanks for posting on my thread! You are right - my H and I are a mature couple. I have locked down the finances - H has his own credit card and line of credit and he is racking up the debt pretty steadily.
You are also right that I want him to find his path. So far I have been able to step aside and give him lots of space. It helps that he doesn't live in our home anymore. I asked him to move otherwise he would still be here which I knew I couldn't handle.
The Space has had an effect on him. He is alone and lonely a lot with nothing but time to think. He seems to be moving deeper into depression because of it as well. He also tells me he has a lot on his mind.
I try not to speculate on what might be on his mind and I hope it isn't that he wants to come home! Everything I have read here and on other forums say that it's way way too early and that the reconciliation will fail. I did read on LouR's threads and I'm heartbroken for her. She was so patient for so long but the reconciliation attempt was too soon.
Anytime I read about reconciliation attempts within 3 or 4 years of BD I wonder if it's just too early. Seems the ones that stick are more like 5 - 7 years from BD. That alone scares me - the length of time it takes. I do wonder if I have it in me to stand that long. The alternative is not desirable either so I'll try to GAL and put this on the back burner for now.
