Thanks for the comments - he is definitely depressed and has been for awhile. It's worse now than ever but he really did perk up and seem happy at the thought of moving forward and working on restoring our great friendship.
We plan on just being friends, no R talks, no M talks, just friends and spending time doing things we both like but with no marriage strings.
I actually like the idea a lot. It has been pretty tense between us for quite awhile and anything that will bring back some peace and relaxation in each others company,,, well I'm all for it.
ATM, and it might change but I hope not,,, I really do NOT have any expectations beyond the friends. I think it's a lost cause and I'm ready to put the M behind us, but working on friends again is a way to retain what we both always enjoyed about knowing each other.
Time will tell - will jealousy appear? I'm sure it will at first but maybe not forever.
I agree with all your comments, especially about the typical MLC lingo and the ever present depression.
I am mentally already half way there to being 'just' friends as we used to be but also being a safe haven for talking w/o judging. We were this before too.
We will try it out and I hope it works and we can move forward with our newly negotiated relationship that has nothing to do with a M.
seems like a good conversation and possibly a good spot for you
to nurture a friendship as you let go and grieve the old M
See where it goes and if it continues to be what you want for now it seems good you can still play a part in his life and help him through this part of the crises and see where it leads at the same time-you can work on you-get support and create a new life , new activities, new friends figure out what you would want to change in your next R (maybe with him, maybe not)
try no to center it all around him because his crises may take a long while Keep us posted!
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Peacetoday - thank you for your comment. I am not actively pursuing the restoration of the friendship. However, I am open to it as long as my H is the one to indicate he is ready to move foreward with that in mind.
The other day he suggested we get together in December - I would see his place (where he's been for several weeks), and we would check out the trendy area he lives in.
I'm not going to bring this up though. If he's serious about it he will bring it up or it won't happen. If it doesn't happen then it means it shouldn't happen and I'm so okay with that.
I had a long soak in the tub last night, lots of time to think, and all I can say is that today I feel DIFFERENT for having that time to think. Stronger. Way stronger. Time to reflect is an opportunity to grow.
Whatever happens from here on I know I will be just fine.
It's been there since day 1 for me. I don't worry about it. There's a few technical things with this site that are a bit wonky but as long as I can post my long ramblings about what I'm making for dinner (possibly pork chops tonight), it's all good.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
No problem - I'll wait for glitch fixes. I almost don't notice the blinking light anymore.
Another question though - Can hypersexuality be an aspect of MLC or would this be a separate issue? My H seemed to develop this aspect side by side with his MLC, but it wasn't an issue for him prior.
Wondering if he just kept it under wraps until MLC hit? It's NB for me b/c if it's a different aspect, then it won't disappear once he is out of his MLC.
IDK but if Im understanding what you are asking- He may be using sex as a form of escape especially since it happened side by side with his MLC there is a thing called sex and love addiction, people get addicted to sex just like any substance that makes you feel temporary good He could have hid it well but I think when MLC begins many MLCers fall into addiction so It does happen side by side
when MLC hits anything goes. drugs, alcohol, gambling, spending, affairs, partying, fun, tattoos, young friends, new expensive toys- things they would never do
just watch him..you will know more later
keep an eye on the finances especially the credit cards separate accounts take name off credit cards they rack up debt especially when OW involved-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I'll remove the conversations w/the blinking lights.
To answer your question about hypersexuality...yes, it can be an aspect of MLC. Some become really hyper and others show a disinterest in sex. Their hormones are out of kilter, i.e., just like a teenager.
Here is a link to one of the threads that I created a long time ago...it might be of interest to you.
Last edited by job; 11/22/1702:10 AM. Reason: added link to another thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Looking back to just after BD I think I made a huge mistake. I can't help wonder the "what ifs" if I hadn't made the mistake.
What began the crisis for me was when H went alone to his hometown and met a women at an event (June/17). She was overtly sexual and pursued him - he responded and an affair was born. BD was a few weeks after that. Within days of BD he booked another flight to go back to see her for end of July. When his D34 found out a few weeks later, she basically said she would disown him if he went so he called off the trip.
I had done some reading on MLC by this time but not much and I erroneously believed that detachment and letting go meant giving them freedom to do whatever their little heart desires. H was despondent about the cancelled trip and the dummy (me) told him to just reschedule it to another time and not to tell D about it. And that's what he did and trip rescheduled for mid August.
H goes on the reschedule trip, shattering me into a million pieces. Just like BD all over again. Even though I suggested the rescheduling, I always hoped he wouldn't do it. He did have doubts right up to going but still went. The trip was an enormous success with day & night sex for 5 days.
A couple of weeks after his return, he booked 2 more trips. Oct trip when she came to see him and a Nov trip back to visit her. A couple of weeks before the Oct visit, H is expressing a strong desire to end it. Actually he has expressed that desire pretty much from the get go but just had to play hide the bone a few times first. He always said she was a bit off and it was just a fling.
He planned to cancel the Nov trip right after she flew home after the Oct trip. He was very convincing when he said he was NOT going back in Nov to see her. Told me and others as well. D34 did find out about the trips too and he told her he was ending things. Told his work partner he was ending things as well as his therapist. Everyone applauded his decision.
Two weeks after her visit out here to see H, he still hadn't cancelled the trip. He was torn. I wasn't surprised b/c the visit just started up the dopamine addiction again. Three weeks after the Oct visit and he modifies the dates for the Nov trip and he's visiting her there now.
I stumbled across an article on Borderline Personality Disorder and I suspect that OW has this disorder. She fits the profile quite well. The article also talked about how difficult it is for someone to escape a relationship with a BPD. The non BPD partner often wants out but the dynamic, once begun can be almost impossible the escape from for years or maybe never.
What I have observed in H since this affair began was euphoria, then less euphoria, then despondency when he upset OW, then horrible depression when he upset her again, then feeling almost good again the week prior to flying out again to see her.
D and I have noticed increased general depression along with expressions and behaviour that would indicate shame. Maybe the shame because he wants to end it but hasn't managed to do it yet?
I talked to H the day before he left and told him although I would never be okay with how he ended the marriage, I was okay that he did end the marriage because people change and that's okay. H didn't seem relieved and said only that he has a lot of things on his mind.
I have been pretty dim with H since the Oct trip and plan to stay that way. Ever since though, H seems to just get more and more depressed. His touch and goes are very frequent and if I discourage them he seems to get more depressed.
His life is pretty lonely overall. He started his MLC journey wanting freedom to date other women. The out of town OW has curtailed that significantly insisting on monogamy (after 1st visit back) and H has to call her twice daily to check in. He's been in deep trouble with her when she found out he has a friendship with someone who has an interest in him. He is now forbidden to talk to her. For awhile he did what he wanted but over time he has dropped almost everyone except for her.
So he sits at home which is a lightly furnished 1 bdm suite. All he does is work, come home, call her and talk for an hour or so, then eat, then go to bed. Occasionally he gets out or calls someone else without her knowledge. His depression seems worse than ever and he seems to have no life. He perks up close to visit time with her but thats about it.
Both D and I have been concerned at times about suicide risk because he is SO despondent. At those times we have wondered if OW has ended things because he hasn't behaved but then accepted him back after he's promised to do better. It would seem so because the extreme despondency can disappear as quickly as it appears.
I don't talk to H much about anything anymore but he usually contacts me every 3 - 4 days about something or another. I am always cordial and he often gives me the impression he wishes none of this had happened to us. He never sounds happy or content when we talk - never. I think he misses his life before BD and frequently expresses regret about how things have gone.
My huge regret early on was encouraging H to visit this woman again and find out if this is what he wanted. I was sure it wouldn't happen or if it did it would be short lived. But now it looks like he is deep into quicksand with this relationship. D and I sense he DOES want to get out and knows she is bad for him but just can't - the allure is way to powerful and he is no match for it.
What have I done by encouraging this in the beginning? Is he hopelessly lost here, thanks to me? Reading on BPD, even non MLC men have a very very tough time extricating themselves from these relationships and they can go on for many years and some never do get out.
I am tormented by what I've done. It seems nothing short of a miracle is going to get him away from her. His MLC is crisis enough without adding this to the mix. I will always wonder how this would have gone for him and us if I had not encouraged him to go back and see her.
Is there ANYTHING I can do now to make this right?
