My husband asked for a divorce on August 6th after about 3 months separation. The first two days, I did beg and plead, but after that did the LRT. He gave me a ton of mixed signals in the first week or two as far as being physically affectionate, but then raged at me when I wrote him a letter saying I was sorry and to give our marriage another chance. He has raged at me in a really ugly way twice and seems to just hate me. He takes zero responsibility for the demise of our marriage. He said it was all my fault, that I rejected him. That part is so hard for me. He has never verbally wavered from wanting a divorce. I think he meant the affection in the beginning as just friends. A lot of what seems to be going on with him could possibly be midlife crisis. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself to the community. I am working with Chuck who is great! But I need as much support as I can get. My ego is totally shot right now and I'm dealing with tons of guilt.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you this is terrific stuff! I guess one of the many things I struggle with is that my husband said he "felt rejected on every level" by me. So when I use the LRT, is that maybe a bad thing? I don't think so, because the two times I begged him to reconsider divorce were the two times he ugly raged at me. Plus, I just plain old don't want to subject myself to his rage/hate. I've had to go darker because of his attitude toward me. But is that rejecting him more? I am polite and informative when we need to discuss logistics regarding the kids. But I don't initiate contact unless I have to. I just feel like we have barely any contact now. I have changed a lot as far as taking care of a lot more things around the house and taking care of stuff that he used to (he doesn't live here anymore, but when he did, he complained that he had to do everything.) Plus I have really gotten a lot better about taking care of myself. I don't know how much of this he sees. Last time I saw him was a couple of weeks ago and he was very nasty to me, so I have been avoiding him. I think he is in MLC monster mode. Although I have experienced his anger in the past, this is on a whole new ugly level. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you all for being here. I read the DB book - got it from the library. I am super careful about any kind of DB material not being accessible to H. Thanks for the warning though. I'm also doing coaching sessions which I love.
What do you think of this situation and how I should respond if at all: H was super aggressive regarding custody and was afraid I would "leverage kids against him". I never gave him any reason to believe that I would and have said repeatedly that I am willing to do up to 50/50 physical custody if he can work out logistics (he is living in a one bedroom cabin that is about 15 miles away from school district). After being aggressive and often nasty about custody arrangements (not legal, just negotiated between us), he will often tell me he is not coming on the negotiated days, or that he's going away for a few days, or that he "may" be able to take them to dinner on designated nights. For instance, he is supposed to pick them up from the bus every afternoon and take them to get a snack and have a walk. But like yesterday, I get an email a half hour before saying he's not going to make it. And that he may or may not make it to dinner with them tonight (I leave the house). I am afraid he is disappointing the boys, but I don't want to push him on anything. So I just say ok and am grateful I get that much more time with the kids. What do you guys think?
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
I’m sorry you are here. Good thing you have a coach. Listen to his advice. If your H is in monster mode, let him go. Focus on yourself and your kids. You have teens. They know what is going on and need you to be the stable parent. H does not seem responsible or reliable at present. Keep a diary of your childcare vs his childcare. If you haven’t consulted a L, then you may want to do so to know your rights. Back to you: what did you do to contribute to the failure of your M? Change those things for you and your future R with H or someone else. GAL. Are there parts of yourself that you put aside for M? What are your interests?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I have been working on myself a lot! In that way DB has been a blessing. I definitely did my share of damage in the marriage. Didn't know how to express myself in a healthy way, carried a lot of resentment, etc. Lots of stuff I'm working on. I have consulted a lawyer so am somewhat aware of my rights although it's tricky with the financials for a variety of reasons. There were definitely parts of myself that I put aside. I am working to get those back although I'm still in the shell shocked stage. I find that journaling is helping me a lot. I get up before the boys, have a nice cup of coffee and journal for about a half an hour or more. I find it a really good way to get back in touch with myself. Thank you all for the support, holy crap, this is one tough road.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Yes, thank you. I have been working so hard on myself these past few months! Honestly, it feels like the only thing I can do to keep the insanity away. My self esteem hit such a low point that I could barely function. But some people told me to do something good for yourself every day and I did that, and that really helped.
An attractive version of myself? I am taking a lot more responsibility for my happiness. I have become more self sufficient. I'm taking care of myself health wise as well. Better food choices (not stuffing my feelings with food), no alcohol, exercise. Spending a lot more time with good friends who build my self esteem.
So regardless of what happens (sure looks like we are headed straight for divorce), I will come out of this a better, healthier person.
DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation Me: 54 H: 58 Two Teenage sons Living Separately from H Married 19 years, together 22 years Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
Keep working yourself for you and not your H. Maybe he will notice in time, maybe he won't. Own your part in the failure of your MR but don't own his stuff. Look into getting an IC if you have not already done so. Realize this is not all your fault Since you are separated your contact with him should be minimal, business like, only about kids or finances. No talks about your R or D.....back way off. Let him go on his journey.
You are correct, you are responsible for your own happiness no one else is. Surround yourself with loved ones and those who can support you. Continue exercising, making smart food choices, drink lots of water, plenty of sleep. It is hard to be depressed when you exercise and increase your endorphins. Getting in shape will also help with your self-confidence. Men are visual creatures, predators by nature......if you take care of yourself physically he will notice, trust me.
Continue posting and journaling.....someone is always around.
