Hi Sotto, ok , quick story of what happened a while back, i was chopping some trees with my chainsaw, i had sent S18 to get something and i didn't expect him to return so quick and as i turned around the chainsaw tore through his jeans but didn't touch his flesh.
I had nightmares for weeks and it still gives me the shivers to think about what might have been. My thoughts on your mum are it could have been worse BUT it wasn't. Accidents happen and it can be used as a reminder to be that be more careful. I dont use the chainsaw with anyone within 50 feet of me now.
We all know what a caring soul you are and your real or perceived lapse re your mum happened and treat it as a lesson.
're your sister , we can only control ourselves and hopefully infulance others by example. Focus on all the good you do for mum and dad and others.
2018 is hours away, put this behind you and look forward.
My love are you forgetting that you are human, and as such, will make mistakes from time to time? A mistake is a far cry from intentional harm or neglect.
As Rd said, use it as a learning tool and move on to the best of your ability. It's ok, Sotto. You made a mistake. As a parent I can't tell you how many of these I've made. All I can do is learn from them and do my best not to make the same mistake again.
I'm sorry you're having a time of it. I understand, truly. Massive hugs to you my dearest. Be gentle with yourself. You do a lot, and are in a heartbreaking situation. I know - I've had the care of elders and witnessed first hand what dementia does, and how frail older people really are. All we can do is move on, love them and do our best.
As for other family members not helping, that is truly a tough one and goes on more often than not. Feeling resentful is natural. Try to acknowledge it and let it go. She would be a good person to do the loving kindness meditation on. Just a suggestion.
As Rd said, it's almost 2018 -- acknowledging these feelings is important, but it's also a good idea to decide what you want to take with you into the new year and what you want to leave behind.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I am so sorry about the spill that your mother took. I know you are still reliving the accident in your mind, but you've got to stop being so hard on yourself. The accident was not intentional and anyone could have had that happen. You are only human and things do happen. I know that you are grateful that your mom is okay and you should breathe a sign of relief.
It's not easy trying to take care of the elderly when they are frail and especially if dementia sets in...as bttrly pointed out, all we can do is love them do our best in taking care of them. That's really all they ask of us.
As for other family members not stepping up to the plate...I've got the same issue in my own immediate family. I pray every day that my sister will get her act together and open her eyes and realize that our mother is getting older and doesn't need to hear and see the drama in my sister's family. Resentment does come into play so much so, that there are times I'd like to throttle my sister, but then I take a deep breath and realize that my expectations of what she should be doing are set too high and then I let it go.
Sotto, here's to a new year. I hope that 2018 will be a far better one for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Sotto- Happy New Year, though I am sorry it's not off to the best start.
I had something similar happen with my son when he was very little. And afterwards, like you, I was quite shaken up over it. What made it hard is that it could have all been much, much worse and in the end it was all luck that it was not worse. I guess we all want certainty.
And, in my son's case I should have stopped him from doing something that ended up causing him to hurt himself. But I didn't because I was in the middle of something with my other son and also I was sick at the time and quite tired. I felt very guilty for a long time.
In time I realized I dodged a major bullet. For what the situation could have been, we got very, very lucky. Give yourself some time. You've been through a lot these last couple of years. Don't be so hard on yourself and give it time.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thank you my friends - I really appreciate you sharing your stories and taking the time to post. Mum is still weak, but does seem brighter these past few days and the cut to her head is healing well.
I do still feel bad about what happened and it was certainly avoidable. But equally, we are looking after Mum in her own home, and that brings with it an element of amateur care (ie: in the hands of Dad and me) from time to time. Though she does have 'proper' Carers too, who are excellent.
I'm processing still, but generally doing okay and I am just so relieved that she wasn't more badly hurt from the fall. As HaWho said - I think we did dodge a bullet there and I am glad for her and for us that she didn't suffer more as a result of the tumble.
Oh well, difficult lessons learned and we had full refresher training from the 'proper' Carers and agreed some new groundrules for care sessions too....we move forwards...
Thanks once again - I really appreciated your input in what was a difficult week. Today, I have been for an outing with some friends. One of them had an unfaithful spouse who was getting remarried this week and she wanted to do something nice with friends, so we had a lovely day out and I was pleased to see her happy and laughing. I actually think she is in a much better place than her XH and his (possibly unsuspecting) new spouse. I sometimes wonder if these cheating spouses even tell their new partners the full story and if they don't you are 'in a lie' from the very start. It is hard to feel pleased and excited for him/them given all circumstances..
Anyway, have a lovely weekend everyone xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am glad to read that your mother is doing a bit better. She's happy to be in her own home with your father and, of course, you coming by to help take care of her.
Try to enjoy your weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Sotto. Thanks for stopping by my thread and for a very thoughtful post. I’m sorry about the accident with your Mom. But, it was an accident. It happens. You did your best. You are a very caring and genuine person. Please don’t beat yourself up for this. I’m glad that you Mom feels better.
I’m happy to read that you had some good time with your friends over the holidays. Your XH sounds like a piece of work and is heavy into reply, if you want categorize it in MLC terms. Your SS’s mom might be right about OW #5 at SS’s wedding. It is just so sad that he is not that involved in SS’s life right now. I can’t recall, is SS his only child?
Take care, Sotto.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi all, thanks for your lovely comments. I really appreciate you taking the time to post, and Bright, yes SS is his only son. Though we all expect he produce more offspring sometime soon if his plans all unfold as he hopes.
These days, I truly feel very little for him. I still think if I saw him I would be rattled, but otherwise I do think I have released quite a lot of stuff and the door is very much closed, which is freeing. I'm so grateful that I can maintain a relationship with SS too. SS and I are currently making plans to get together next month, with our mutual friend, which should be fun!
I re-met a nice man recently! Someone I had briefly met at an event a year or so ago and thought was very nice. Well I re-met him and he is still very nice. Plus he is single just now and seems as though he might be interested in me. At this event, he joined my table and we had a drink together and a big chat about your life, my life, former relationships and so on. So, we'll see if anything develops there. We swapped contact details. He certainly seems like a decent, bright and attractive guy with some joie de vivre. I'll keep you posted
Work continues to be relentless and my ongoing project takes up all of my working time just now. I was flailing around before Xmas and realised I just wasn't making progress and wasn't being firm enough with those around me either. I suffer from 'nice' syndrome and always like to help even if it impacts on my own stuff. I have got much more specific with people now about what I can do for them, by when and what impact it will have on project stuff. I also put a big rocket up the supplier we're working with as they were getting complacent. I think everyone may be a just a little bit scared of me now!!
I'm coming up from the dip I had over Xmas and Mum seems brighter now. She is so frail and it is just a matter of time I know. But it is good to see her looking more comfortable, and she's engaging more now too. Dad had to cancel a holiday earlier in the month, so I'm doing a weekend sit for him soon. I'm hoping I won't get cabin fever, but it is the least I can do really, and how he does this day in day out I don't know. They would reach their diamond anniversary during 2018, so I'm really hoping Mum may still be with us then.
Otherwise, I'm picking up again on activities that languished a little over Xmas. It is good to be dancing and singing again and planning a few things with friends. A little group of friends are planning a week in the sun later this year too, so we're looking at options for that.
Anyway my friends, just wanted to offer a little update and say Hello & once again thanks for reading along and kindly posting.
Xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hey Sotto, great to see an update from you. I was pleased to hear theft your Mum is doing better as well.
I love the fact that you still have a good relationship with SS. This is a real testament to how much you mean to him. I think it is tricky with the step child and step parent relationship when it comes to separation and divorce so you should be really proud that you have made it easy for SS to continue to have a relationship with you in spite of the choices his Dad has made.
Fingers crossed with the guy you re-met. It must be fate that he found a way back into your life!!!
Are you fed up of this weather yet?!! Rain, rain and more rain where I am!!
Last edited by job; 01/23/1809:01 AM. Reason: edited a word for Coly
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
