Any advice 4

[Gordie]

My stbx told me the same and she is already on to OM2.

[gw5263]

I’m beginning to think there was OM18 before this guy. She had mentioned early on in the situation that an old friend of hers had been Sexting her but she ignored him back in October. Well in October she went to West Virginia with the kids for a week to visit her parents. She told me later that this guy had wanted to meet up with her for sex. But she didn’t. I’ll begin to believe now she did, because this is one of the guys she started talking to again on messenger even though she still involved with OM . I suspect this is been going on longer than what I realize.

[Gordie]

Yeah, I learned that the hard way. I have never been a snooper but my stbx confessed to me her affair(s). The good folks here have told me that confessions are only partial truths. There is so much more they don’t tell you. So maybe she is on to OM2...or maybe OM22...it’s no longer my concern.

[gw5263]

Exactly. Just wish I could understand the why. How someone who was honest and loyal to a fault could end up the ruthless B in my house

[gw5263]

Maybe it is like cancer, always there waiting for a trigger

[Gordie]

Exactly. Just wish I could understand the why. How someone who was honest and loyal to a fault could end up the ruthless B in my house

Same but there is a point you reach and realize you will never understand why and that it ultimately doesn’t matter.

[gw5263]

Had the D talk last night. She blamed me for making her have the affair. Said she had no interest whatsoever in working on us just because she didn’t want to. Said it would be a waste of time. When I asked how she planned to lie after the D she just said I’ll figure it out. She cant move in with OM because the military, last I knew, will not allow you to shack up in base housing, which is where he lives. Maybe they do now, it’s niether here nor there. She also said that I wouldn’t get proper visitation, just the summers and spring breaks. She is in no position to dictate that because it’s up to the judge for one and second I have to sign an agreement allowing her to take them out of state, which I will never do. She says this is vindictive. She’s the one doing wrong and I have to oay the consequences? Wrong answer. She can’t afford a lawyer and he won’t pay for it. This is gonna get ugly.

[Gordie]

GW,

What do you want? The good folks here convinced me to go for 50-50 custody. Stbx tried to make me an every other weekend dad. Get a good L and get what you want. Where she lives is no longer your concern but if she has nowhere to live, you may get full custody. Too many WW have also abandoned their children. Be ready for anything.

And the spew? Ignore it. Don’t defend yourself. Don’t fight. It’s not worth your emotional energy. I am fond of the phrase: “I am not going to defend myself from false accusations.” That’s a conversation ender. Yes, the LBH is always to blame for the affair. You made her lay down with another man, right? Watch out for all sorts of false accusations including false police reports.

[joejoe1]

GW,

Seems to me you dropped all DB principles. You havent properly detached yet. How about you completely detach and then see what happens. It's amazing how a WW has a change of heart when they see you have truly moved on emotionally. You don't need a D to do that.

You W can tell you still are holding to try and save the M. Don't bring up D again and truly let go. You are letting go for yourself not her. Start detaching with love. Stop letring the A affect your decisions. Let her be and go. Start your own journey.

Seems to me you are using D in a vindictive way. Don't D until you are truly done and you will know because, you will be fully detached. You are not. You are still hurting.

You can't force her out the A. But you can start to draw her back to you. Start to let off confidence and positivity and see what happens. Make yourself the best option. The OM is looking like a better option at the moment. How can you become the better option. You becoming the better option will take time. She has to notice on her own. Find ways to make yourself happy. Smile, laugh and enjoy yourself especially around her. Try these things first. Then if you feel like D is the option you will already be in a better place.

When her actions stop affecting your actions you will be fully detached.

I think that might make a huge difference in your Sitch.

This will take time, be patience. Get on your knees, if GOD is what you believe in and ask for GODS patience. Ask him to give you the type of patience he has. Also ask him to give you grace. Those prayers helped me a huge amount. Alot of anxiety stopped after I received GOD's grace.

You can do this. Be strong and firm. Hang in there.

[gw5263]

Thanks joe joe, it’s just den a frustrating emotional couple of days. Putting up the tree sparked it all, knowing that this may very well be our last Christmas together as a family because she has fallen for some douche on the other end of a phone. I know, I remembered what Sandi said about it being emotional and him filling her emotional needs. It just kills me that it has come to this rather than her being adult enough to tell me there was an issue. I’ll be ok in a day or two and I’ll probably get back up on the horse. As far as using the D in a vindictive manner, I’m not. She’s the one adamant about it, and she needs to know it’s real, not part of fairytale world. It has real life implications and consequences. It’s not just an end and her beginning. It affects four lives rather dramatically. If she wants it she needs to be prepared. I don’t want my kids to have to go through living in some shite hole, being around the man who helped destroy thier family, or a parade of other clowns. I don’t want them to do without, and I don’t want them to only get to see me when she sees fit. I’m going to file, she’s not going to change her mind anytime soon and dump him. Filing isn’t the end, it’s just showing her I’m not going to live in an open marriage or with someone who has no respect or love for me. I’m preparing for the possible outcome while working on saving us. And I have a lot of work to do. Priority one is emotional control and detaching. I was doing a decent job until the tree day. Then my bubble popped. I have to put on the brakes and take corrective measure. I have one ally right now and that is time.