It would honestly be no different. Other than free to do what want morally and save myself from W financial mistakes. And truly start over without these organizations telling me "Sorry but your still married, so we can't do a thing for you."
The plan was very much to see it through. Figured W would sign quick, since she swears that is what she wants. Now this is in limbo as well. And as time went on I naturally wondered what the deal was. It was never my intent to change her mind with the paperwork. I was willing to let her go and move on.
You have your own moral compass so follow it. My marriage/relationship doesnt define my morals - I do based on what I believe in.
Originally Posted By: Tread
and save myself from W financial mistakes.
If this is truly a concern, then you should see the divorce through. You could certainly be liable for her spending now.
Originally Posted By: Tread
The plan was very much to see it through. Figured W would sign quick, since she swears that is what she wants. Now this is in limbo as well. And as time went on I naturally wondered what the deal was. It was never my intent to change her mind with the paperwork. I was willing to let her go and move on.
So you only want to get divorced because she did? Now that shes not signing it, youre pausing because she might not want the divorce?
Im sorry but that doesnt make sense with what you are saying above.
Letting her go means letting her go. Being wishy washy about whether or not to push through the papers shows her that your filing was a 'tactic' to check her temperature.
The point of the papers wasn't because she wanted it. I just figured she would have been quick to sign since she wanted it. At that point, I was tired of her sh*t and wanted to move on. It was not a tactic, but I do feel that her waiting might be a test to see if it was a tactic. Now I did pause, because there might be a sign that she didn't want it. But honestly I want just push on with it anyways.
Not sure if divorce would make me happy. But it helps with moving on from what I hear. Never been divorced, so I honestly Can't say if it would or not.
It's been a year since BD so you are likely getting to the point where you can decide if that's what you want without letting emotions (anger/ fear or whatever) cloud your judgment. Divorce itself isn't going to make you happy, but it could very well help you to move on and become happy. Personally, leading up to D I hated the thought of going through with it and was convinced I would be really depressed and sad afterwards, but when I walked out of court and drove off I just felt relief, like a great weight had been lifted off of me. It was no longer hanging over my head like a dark cloud, and the financial implications were no longer vague and undefined. It's like that saying "Better The Devil You Know Than The Devil You Don't", right?
That is exactly how I feel. Not sure if I will be skipping or doing cart wheels out of court. But it opens up a new chapter. Its not a fear of losing her, but rather a fear of doing something to push her away when she might be starting to lean more in my direction. Just trying not to be a screw up I suppose.
Well I talked with my parents tonight. And they brought up two things that I really hadn't thought about.
1. That I have no family whatsoever in this city. I helped move my MIL and SIL down here years ago. So I have the sole responsibility of raising this S14 on my own every other week. Whereas W has the constant help of SIL and MIL. S14 mentions that the four of them are constantly together when he is with his mother. So W isn't really having to deal with being a single parent on her end. Needless to say that my parents are proud how I have been handling things on my end.
2. My parents are pissed about the fact that I haven't heard a single word from my in laws at all. Once I thought about it, I haven't heard a word from my MIL and SIL since they came over with the Uhaul to clean this place out. Haven't heard from my FIL or BIL even longer. One would assume that they would have at least checked on me to see how I was handling things considering they know what W has done and continues to do. I admit that I was a bit pissed once that was brought up by parents. The thought of being kicked to the curb by people you have spent years helping.
Not expecting them to take a side. But it would be nice to know that they cared enough to see if I didn't have some mental breakdown. Right now it just further proves what my parents have told me for years. That they are nothing but users and will cut me off the moment they have no use for you. A lot of life lessons that I will take from this sitch. One being to become closer to my own family. Another lesson is that if there is an R. Keep these people at a far distance. SIL and MIL spent way too much time at our home. I would have their time around this home at a bare minimum.
Right now it just further proves what my parents have told me for years. That they are nothing but users and will cut me off the moment they have no use for you.
Your parents have been saying this for years?
I wonder how that sort of disdain impacted your R.
Originally Posted By: Tread
Keep these people at a far distance. SIL and MIL spent way too much time at our home. I would have their time around this home at a bare minimum.
I dont really know what you expect from them based on the current situation. You say you dont expect them to take sides....but I do --> HER side.
It played a role in the MR. My parents spent less time visiting, because they didn't feel welcomed by my W. Plus my W would make little slick comments on occasion. And my father doesn't play that. So he would say something back. And she would play victim. I spent quite a bit of time playing peacemaker. But W had no problem having her family coming to constantly visit and us trying to get them set up in this city for better job opportunities. And my parents have actually helped us out on a occasion.
My W got into with my SIL, which resulted in my brother and I not speaking from 2/15 until 12/16. Not because we were mad at each, but because we took the side of our wives. All because my W ran her damn mouth. So my parents were pissed about that as well. But I stood by my W and defended. And while doing so, she is out there cheating.
Nobody is asking for them to take sides. But don't act like I don't exist either. My brother and his W were separated for over a year. My family didn't pretend she never existed. They stayed in contact, even asked if she needed anything. So when they got back together there were really no hard feelings. My W family have treated me as if I was the one out sleeping around with someone else's spouse. So if a R was to happen. Things will not go back to the way they were between me and them.
It played a role in the MR. My parents spent less time visiting, because they didn't feel welcomed by my W. Plus my W would make little slick comments on occasion. And my father doesn't play that. So he would say something back. And she would play victim. I spent quite a bit of time playing peacemaker. But W had no problem having her family coming to constantly visit and us trying to get them set up in this city for better job opportunities. And my parents have actually helped us out on a occasion.
My W got into with my SIL, which resulted in my brother and I not speaking from 2/15 until 12/16. Not because we were mad at each, but because we took the side of our wives. All because my W ran her damn mouth. So my parents were pissed about that as well. But I stood by my W and defended. And while doing so, she is out there cheating.
Nobody is asking for them to take sides. But don't act like I don't exist either. My brother and his W were separated for over a year. My family didn't pretend she never existed. They stayed in contact, even asked if she needed anything. So when they got back together there were really no hard feelings. My W family have treated me as if I was the one out sleeping around with someone else's spouse. So if a R was to happen. Things will not go back to the way they were between me and them.
Well, this looks like something maybe you can work on. instead of blocking out future in laws, how about you examine why you took sides and didn't speak, rather than agree that there is beef between the two of them, and you and your brother should maintain the integrity of your R.
You play the blame game a lot. You blame your W for a lot of your external problems/R's. A great learning experience is how you could have handled things differently to maybe change the outcome for yourself a little.
Your W's cheating isn't your fault. But you need to really look inward. This is the best opportunity you'll ever have to do so. Many don't get that opportunity. I am so grateful for the chance to look at ME and see how I could change the outcome and situations without just reacting to what's going on around me.
