I spoke w/ the W again later that night, I told her that I feel really bad for her and how things are unfolding w/D13, and that I have lost a lot of sleep over it. I explained how I have been handling it, but that I am not sure it's helping the D13's point of view.
We talked about the D13 and her going to C together (we talked about it after D13 found the court docs but it never happened), she said D13 should go, and I said they both should go together, she said yeah probably.
Prior to all this, during the convo last week were I vented about the TRO etc., I told the W how I am still going to C and that it really helps, she should consider going back to IC, She said you are probably right, I will when I can afford it (this response blew me away). I responded by telling her I would pay for it and left it at that. It has not come up again.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
So? Do your kids need the full truth here about what goes on between mom and dad?
No, they sure do not need all the truth. The response "she left and can come back when she wants" is one I am battling w/, so far my response has been something like "I don't know, you are going to have to ask mom". I would love to hear as much advice on this one as I can get.
My S4 & S7 ask at least once a week, (its been 3 months since she moved out).
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
So again, about the arguments/convos... bring on the 2x4's, as a matter of fact if you are out there sandi I would love to hear your point of view.
I know I should not be engaging in the arguments, but when the last two have happened I told myself "thats it, I'm done with the W" and proceeded to vent.
The convo/argument a week ago (about the TRO) I kind of feel as though it was necessary, and felt a weight lifted.
Yesterdays convo/argument I think I should of handled differently no matter if I am done with the M or not. I do truly feel bad for the W about the state of her relationship w/ D13, even though she made that mess.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
As I mentioned a few post back (and another DB'er suggested many post back), I'm really starting to think she is in s MLC. I read on a site about MLC that those with a troubled home life during their childhood are much more susceptible to go through a MLC.
The W had an insane upbringing... mother was a meth addict for 30 years straight, got clean 12 years ago. Father has always been an alcoholic, still is. He beat up on her mother constantly, and eventually went to jail for attempted murder for stabbing someone in a bar fight.
While he was in jail the mother turned their house into a meth lab w/ the help of the W's older brothers who were only teenagers at the time. My W at age 12 walked down to 7-11 and called the police reported the meth lab. The exact same scenario happened a year or two later.
One of those brothers is now doing 85 to life for murder, attempted murder amongst several other things. The other brother is in and out of jail and has 13 kids by different women.
My W partied as a teenager like most do, but eventually gravitated to the church, when I met her at age 20 she was a devoted christian going to church every sunday and reading her bible daily, that stopped 6 months ago.
The closest thing she had to a normal family life was for about 2 years (age 14) that she lived with her aunt and uncle who are the all american family. My W reminisces about those years as being very formative and secure. That ended when they sent her back to her mothers as she was getting in trouble to much, I've always assumed they sent her back in fear of the influence she would be on their kids as she started to get into trouble, my W says she deserved to be sent back but I can tell it was a painful experience for her.
Somehow through all that madness my W turned out normal (I'll go a step further than normal and say phenomenal mother and wife), she has always been complimented about her motherly instincts, and always put her family first, as I've said before I could not of asked for a better mother to my children or a better wife up till about the last year.
She is still a good mother (aside from tearing our family apart) but has changed, for example my D13 was telling about a BBQ they went to not long ago, when they got there my W told the kids to get lost, she was not there to hang out w/ them, my D13 said mom did not even check on them through out the night. My W used to shield my daughter from bad influences of her friends, now my D13 tells me some of the stuff she hears while around these people and I'm disturbed enough to bring it up to my W, to which her reply is D13 needs to mind her own business and not be telling me about other peoples sitch's. The pseudo "sister" has given my D13 cloths that she should not be wearing (High cut shorts, tops that reveal to much) and my W is fine with it, it has resulted in a few arguments over the past few months.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
Stop. Stop analyzing. Stop talking. Stop DOING anything. What are you gaining from this? Anything at all? Focus on you, focus on your kids. GAL. That's it!
If you want to reconcile the M, nothing but the above will help. If you're done with the M, nothing but the above will help. You say that "I thought I was done so I let her have it!" Did that make you feel any better? (for more than ten minutes?) Is it worth it to antagonize someone has ALREADY FILED FALSE POLICE REPORTS?
Detach. It's imperative for your own mental and emotional health.
I know I should not be engaging in the arguments, but when the last two have happened I told myself "thats it, I'm done with the W" and proceeded to vent.
Im not sure what there is to say...
You already know that you are hurting your cause every time you open your mouth. Your words come across incredibly 'judgey' of her, and Im sure she is not interested in that right now.
W called today to see if I was home so that she could pick up the support payment, I said yes and asked her to pay for her auto insurance (we still share a policy, I've been tempted to tell her she has x amount of time to get her own policy) she said she did not have the money right now - maybe next week. I reminded her that next week will be when the next months ins. payment will be due, she said I know nothing I can do I don't have the money. I reminded her that on top of floating the family household I now have to pay support, and have cut my hours dramatically so that I can be w/ the kids on my days... so I do not have the $ either.
She said if she gave me the $ right now she would have to borrow the $ from someone, then there was silence - after a moment I said fine, you can pay me next week. We said by and hung up.
I sat there and thought about it for a minute, and decided that no I am not ok with it, she choose to be in this sitch - not me! So I called her back and told her that she needed to pay it... she again said I'm gonna have to borrow it from somebody, (I wanted to say "why don't you borrow it from one of your friends that encouraged you to walk out!) but did not.
Instead I told her sorry, but you are the one that wants things this way, not me... and now that things are this way, aren't you borrowing the $ from me? I'm not in the position to do so and even if I was I don't know that I am ok w/ it anymore, and as a matter of fact I think it is time she got her own policy.
She said fine, she'll bring the money with her, and look in into getting her own policy next month.
I feel she needs to feel the full extent of what she is creating, me paying or even fronting the ins. $ is only making it easier for her, I can no longer be her nice guy any more, look at what it has gotten me thus far.
I did call her a few hours later and asked if she was good on groceries, she said yes, she went shopping a few days ago.
Any thoughts/comments?
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
You already know that you are hurting your cause every time you open your mouth. Your words come across incredibly 'judgey' of her, and Im sure she is not interested in that right now.
Again, that damn roller coaster my emotions are on lately...
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
Stop. Stop analyzing. Stop talking. Stop DOING anything. What are you gaining from this? Anything at all? Focus on you, focus on your kids. GAL. That's it!
If you want to reconcile the M, nothing but the above will help. If you're done with the M, nothing but the above will help. You say that "I thought I was done so I let her have it!" Did that make you feel any better? (for more than ten minutes?) Is it worth it to antagonize someone has ALREADY FILED FALSE POLICE REPORTS?
Detach. It's imperative for your own mental and emotional health.
I used to joke that I prefer to learn my lessons the hard way... it is not so funny anymore.
Using the TRO as a tool in helping to detach might not have been the best mode of thought.
GAL... I play guitar, it is the only thing that completely takes my mind off the sitch, I have been making a lot more time to do so even if it's @ 11:00 at night (the only perk to having an empty house)... I have also started working on the house, I am remodeling a bathroom at the moment, this has helped, but I find myself dwelling on the sitch as I am doing it, heck in the corner of my mind I have even thought what would the W want in here if she was to come home.
The kids and I built an outdoor dinner table last weekend, we made some good memories and had a lot of fun.
The sun still rises, even though the pain.
Married: 10 Together: 17 M:40 W:37 D:13, S 7, S:5 1st Bomb dropped: 4/20/17 2nd Bomb dropped: 6/6/17 Separated: 7/26/17 W moved back home: 12/1/17
Detach. Protect yourself. And your kids. Work on being the best you that you can be. The rest you don't have control over.
Your wife had a seriously messed up childhood. Sadly it's not an uncommon thing to see here, where the WAS reverts to repeat or reconstruct the dysfunction from their childhood.
In your wife's case, do you think it's possible she's recreating the drug addictions of her family of origin? Frankly, it's either that, or she's having affairs.
This could take a long time. I suggest you read Irish's thread on the Midlife Crisis section of this forum. His wife reminds me a bit of yours, and he's had to deal with his teenage daughters and their anger at their mom. It's been over two years; I think you might gain a lot of wisdom reading his thread.
You did a good job setting a boundary on the car insurance. Does she have an order for temporary support? Has your lawyer given you a good idea of what your finances would be like after a divorce? Reality is going to settle in quickly for your wife, sometimes it's wise to settle the financial issues quickly before she realizes it's not going to be as easy to get by as she thinks. She's already shown that she's capable of some pretty dastardly things to get her way. Settling things before she decides she can't live on a fair settlement and starts figuring out how to screw you over financially can be a wise move.
