Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 4 )

[25yearsmlc]

Your questions are only answerable by a lawyer in your state.

So see a lawyer and stop this where to sleep, battle.

It's not worth falling on your sword. You don't know your rights, you are debating something in front of the kids.

Your wife works at odd hours, right? So she has to sleep somewhere, while you are awake. In theory could she ask YOU to change to her hours?

See^^? This is minutia that stinks for your son. This is a distraction.

Learn your rights and start asserting them.

[sandi2]

Of course the usual Friday night couch sleep drama went on tonight...son(11) was sitting on couch with me. W asked us both to move to another couch so she could go to sleep. I was hoping my son would ask why she needed to sleep on the couch, but he simply moved. I ignored my W and stayed there until I was ready to go to bed. I ended up staying up a bit longer with my son, and my W sat there on Facebook. I sat down on the couch again, and a couple minutes later, my W asked me to move so she could lay down. I told her she could sleep in the bedroom because we were using the living room. She told me that she sleeps on the couch now and I was being tacky. I tucked my son in and went to bed.

I don't get it. What exactly were you trying to prove? Plus......you have more than one couch? Is this couch the one she alsways chooses to sleep on? Sorry, but that just makes you appear like an stubborn a$$. There's nothing attractive there. It's one thing if she's trying to force you to leave the room, but she simply asked you to sit on the other couch so that she could lay down.

[25yearsmlc]

Of course the usual Friday night couch sleep drama went on tonight...son(11) was sitting on couch with me. W asked us both to move to another couch so she could go to sleep. I was hoping my son would ask why she needed to sleep on the couch, but he simply moved. I ignored my W and stayed there until I was ready to go to bed. I ended up staying up a bit longer with my son, and my W sat there on Facebook. I sat down on the couch again, and a couple minutes later, my W asked me to move so she could lay down. I told her she could sleep in the bedroom because we were using the living room. She told me that she sleeps on the couch now and I was being tacky. I tucked my son in and went to bed.

I don't get it. What exactly were you trying to prove? Plus......you have more than one couch? Is this couch the one she alsways chooses to sleep on? Sorry, but that just makes you appear like an stubborn a$$. There's nothing attractive there. It's one thing if she's trying to force you to leave the room, but she simply asked you to sit on the other couch so that she could lay down.

THIS^^^ WHAT SANDI SAID. ^^^^^

To me, It's you pretending you have a boundary. Like not letting her use YOUR cereal bowl!!! - but letting her talk to you horribly, AND in front of the kids.

This "couch" thing is minutia.

Metaphor --- When you hunt a squid, it emits ink in order to hide. And sometimes it's hard to see thru the ink and the squid gets away.

See thru it.
The couch "battle" you thnk you "won" and how it makes you look is INK.

Get to the squid (if my metaphor fails, here is what I mean)

--- Solve the REAL issues, not quibble and stomp your feet and fall on your sword for something that reeks of weak pettiness. The couch is NOT the issue. And reeking of weakness and pettiness

are the opposites of your goal, I assume.

[Tate]

Okay, I admit Im confused. So, I should just move, leave the room, or sleep on tge couch any time my wife tells me to? Fyi, she is sleeping on the couch because she refuses to sleep in our bed. She is making her problem everyones problem. If she wants to sleep early, she can.

I know this is a small example, but so is her telling me to do all the chores. Should I do that also?

I got it that you are speaking toward much larger boundaries, like her disrespecting me in front of the kids, but this couch thing was her telling my son and I to change our evenibg for her odd behavior.

And, yes, we have 2 identical couches. She was kicking us off the one in view of the tv because she likes that couch better.

Please give me an example of a boundary and how to enforce it so I betyer understand what constitutes a boundary. I figure these things are small boundaries...not allowing my W to alter our plans for her demanding behavior.

[Tate]

One more comment for sandi2...I gaurantee if I leave the house, my wife will call me an a$$.

She has called me an a$$ for not doing the dishes on her timetable, for staying outside working on the house or yard too long, for disagreeing with her on consequences for kids misbehaving, etc.

As previously mentioned, my W was responding the best to me when I did every chore imaginable and accompanied her and the kids on every excursion.

The recent negative turn was from me letting my sister know about my W and my BIL. That is when I stopped receiving any communications from my W during the day, stopped having her at least say goodnight, good morning, have a good day, etc.

[LH19]

Tate,

Make an appointment with a lawyer and explain to the lawyer that your W is extremely verbally abusive to you in front of your kids and you would like to remove yourself from the toxic situation. Find out if it will effect your custody rights and your ability to get back in the house in the future if needed.

I have a feeling she has called you worse things then an as$! Seriously?

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Tate]One more comment for sandi2...I gaurantee if I leave the house, my wife will call me an a$$.

and then what? I mean, so what?

She has called me an a$$ for not doing the dishes on her timetable,

and then what happened? I mean, you seem to think being called a name is a fatal event. It's not a reflection on YOU...


for staying outside working on the house or yard too long, for disagreeing with her on consequences for kids misbehaving, etc.

is your plan to keep doing whatever she wants/demands ---- IN CASE she'll call you a name? Honestly, I don't get this fear of names that you have.

What if she stomped round and yelled or called you a purple zebra?

Her data is NOT real. So it matters NOT.

[sandi2]

Okay, I admit Im confused. So, I should just move, leave the room, or sleep on tge couch any time my wife tells me to? Fyi, she is sleeping on the couch because she refuses to sleep in our bed. She is making her problem everyones problem. If she wants to sleep early, she can.

Do you know what it means to strain at a gnat and swallow a camel? It means you are making a big deal out of smaller issues, while you seemingly ignore the bigger ones. All we have is what you described in your post, so if there's more to it, then perhaps you failed to mention it. For instance, you said nothing about it being the only couch in view of the tv, until after my response. See what I mean? So, for learning purposes, let's strain at this gnat one more time.

Of course the usual Friday night couch sleep drama went on tonight...son(11) was sitting on couch with me. W asked us both to move to another couch so she could go to sleep. I was hoping my son would ask why she needed to sleep on the couch, but he simply moved.

Here are my questions: (1) Has she consistantly slept on that particular couch, or has her sleeping arrangement been spasmatic? (2) Did she ask politely, or did she demand that you move? (3). Why did you hope your S11 would question his mother why she needed to sleep on the couch? What did you stand to gain.....other than hoping to see her embarrassed or being put on the spot by her eleven yr old son?

I ignored my W and stayed there until I was ready to go to bed. I ended up staying up a bit longer with my son, and my W sat there on Facebook

.

Claiming that you were staying longer to be with your son, really doesn't validate your actions in this case, IMHO. You said nothing to her and simply sat there ignoring her (but not completely, b/c you could see she was on FB).

I sat down on the couch again, and a couple minutes later,

So, at some point you got off the couch and then sat on it again.

my W asked me to move so she could lay down. I told her she could sleep in the bedroom because we were using the living room. She told me that she sleeps on the couch now and I was being tacky.

If she had acted like she had done previously, demanded you leave the living room so she could sleep on the couch.......then I could support you this time around. But I see where she asked twiced that you move to the other couch. ( Are there no other chairs in the room facing the tv?). What made you appear as if you were just being stubborn is that you chose to ignore her, until you said she could sleep in the bedroom......and you sat down on the same couch after you had left it.

So again.........what were you trying to prove? Was it to show her she could not boss you around? Were you trying to force her to sleep in the bed with you? Were you wanting S11 to speak up and be your team partner?

Is there no other places in the house your W could sleep, other than in the living room?

I got it that you are speaking toward much larger boundaries, like her disrespecting me in front of the kids, but this couch thing was her telling my son and I to change our evenibg for her odd behavior.

And, yes, we have 2 identical couches. She was kicking us off the one in view of the tv because she likes that couch better.

Maybe it is a difference in word communication, but you did not previously say she was kicking you off the couch. You stated twice that she "asked" you to move. Does that mean the same to you?

I got it that you are speaking toward much larger boundaries, like her disrespecting me in front of the kids, but this couch thing was her telling my son and I to change our evenibg for her odd behavior

.

Well, I won't debate what her intentions were, but what I am trying to show you, Tate, is your response (in your written description) does not sound like a strong, attractive male would handle this type of situation. If I misunderstand and if your W saw you being strong & attractive.....that's what counts here. Btw, just curious......do you sit in the same spot every night to watch tv? Does the family turn off the tv at a particular time every night?

If you are going to stay under the same roof with her, then setting a few ground rules may avoid some of these wordless battle of the wills. Don't discuss it in front of the kids, but calmly tell her (in private) that if she intends to use that particular couch for her bed, then a reasonable set hour for her to make out her bed on the couch should be agreed upon, without disrupting those who are watching tv. No more scenes, no more being kicked out of the room, etc.

I know this is a small example, but so is her telling me to do all the chores. Should I do that also?

Don't jump from one polar to the other. I don't see her telling you to do all the chores as anything small.. You don't have to do a single thing she tells you to do, okay? Neither does she have to do what you say. You need to know how to blance this stuff, if you intend to stay under the same room with her.

Please give me an example of a boundary and how to enforce it so I betyer understand what constitutes a boundary. I figure these things are small boundaries...not allowing my W to alter our plans for her demanding behavior.

Alter your plans? For what.......changing seats to watch tv? She asked you to move to the other couch. Was she demanding? IDK, you didn't write as if she were. I wasn't there, and we have only your posts.

There is an entire thread on boundaries, if you care to read the homework.

[Tate]

25yearsmlc, I am not concerned with the names my W calls me. I was just responding to the ass comment from sandi2.

For sandi2, details on the couch thing...W asked this time instead of telling me. She almost immediately asked when I was going to be going to bed. I told her 15 minutes and continued hanging out with my son. I moved as I said I would within the 15 minutes. Then, my W sat where I had been sitting and surfed facebook on her phone instead of laying down. After 10 minutes of her surfing FB, I sat back down on that couch. Nearly immediately, my W asked me to move so she could lay down. I got up and tucked our son in.

[Tate]

I will read up on boundaries and also try to give more details on my events. I only have time to post here right before bed and sometimes get too tired to post all the details.