MLC or WAS... either way, I'm here

[LAJar]

sotto,

Thanks for stopping by. Seems like it's the general consensus to let the smaller things go. How can you argue with experience?! Your settlement is what I thought would be "fair" to both of us as well - married just shy of 10 and no children. However, he's thrown out numbers to me that he's pulling from thin air. I may not even be eligible for what he's proposed! He just does not want me to touch his pension. Sorry, but that's what I need to do. I need to remember that and move on from the TV, etc., at least for now.

Any and all thoughts help. I appreciate the time you've taken to give them.

[peacetoday]

The D part of MLC is very upsetting
I can tell you after its over and all is decided its a relief

try to eat and sleep rest and take care of you-

In the end a thing or 2 isn't going to matter

I sense what bother s you more is the fact that he is in a nice condo with OW and you are alone
His life seems lovely and yours painful---right now maybe--
BUT
Usually the tables turn quite a bit for most MLCers and LBS
Just takes time
Not that we wish them harm and pain but their life choices just can't and don't lead to a happy existance
treating spouse badly act usually has an effect on them -maybe karma or replay just doesn't really bring the kind of peace and joy we all seek-
keep on the path and trust
if you do the right things, your inner work and heal..It will get better

[LAJar]

peace-

I can see how finalizing the D might be a relief. For most this is unchartered territory. I plan to do the right thing and it doesn't always end up that way, by my own hand and many times not. These forums are the closest thing to a manual we've got.

Absolutely OW is just a little (a lot of) extra salt on the wound. But where my life is at, is hard to swallow. In the blink of an eye it went to being a married family and homeowner and all of that is gone. I know his life looks all shiny and great on the surface, but I'm preaching to the choir, at how unfair this is. Honestly, sometimes I do wish he'd experience this same pain. I don't want him to be in pain, I just want him to understand what he's done. I told him before, if D is what he thought was best, I would accept that. It's the choices he's made in how to get there, that I don't agree with of course. It's funny, my family keeps saying how shocking all of this is, but he finally showed his true colors. I don't correct them, but inside I do. I am thinking, this isn't him. I am still defending him because I don't think this is who he really is. It's so painfully sad, I tear up as I type this.

peace, Random, but I have to comment on your writing style. Every time I read your responses to me, it's as if I'm reading a peaceful (no pun intended) poem. I thank you for your words and time.

[job]

LAJar,

My heart goes out to you. Yes, the journey you are on doesn't have a set path for you to follow. For each of us, it was unchartered territory, but in time, we came here and began the work of healing and using the tools that others had provided. A wise one said that we read the postings, learn the tools and the most valuable lesson is to take away those tools that we can use. The tools that you can't, just put them away.

LAJar, please trust me when I say that your h may realize at some point what type of hurt that you and your family have experienced because of his crisis. At this time, you are the one experiencing all of the pain and hurt and yes, you are facing these obstacles each and every day head on and some day, the pain will not be so great. At this time, your h is in La La Land and thinks that the world is wonderful. He is free to do whatever he wants, etc. But, one day, when the shine has worn off that word "freedom", that is when he will realize just what he has lost. Now, some will never admit they've messed up...but there are many who will regret all that they have done. Let's hope that your h will be strong enough to come out the other side and seek you out to make amends.

You love this man and you know that he's not acting like himself. None of them make wise/good choices when in crisis. Everything is spur of the moment or knee jerk reactions and we all know how those decisions sometimes turn out. His decisions are being made because he is very emotional and not thinking clearly or sitting on the ideas before implementing them.

I am so sorry you are here and having to deal w/this. I traveled this road many years ago and I still remember how I felt when the bomb was dropped on me. Take each hour/day as it comes and if you need to cry, please do so. No one should expect you to be Miss Suzy Sunshine all of the time. This MLC stuff is not for the faint of heart, but I have faith in you and I know that you will be more than "fair" in any decisions that you need to make.

[Sotto]

Hi LAJar, I forgot the pension part. We decided to leave pensions out of the picture - and cars too. With pensions we both had good pension arrangements - his rather better than mine. But again I didn't pursue that avenue and no regrets. All of our circumstances are different though and others do share pensions etc...

Xx

[peacetoday]

L

How are you doing?

[LAJar]

hi peace,

thanks for checking in... i've been both busy and in a bit of a hole. I'm out of the hole now. I have been up and down with my moods and really just throwing myself into work, GAL, sister's baby shower this past weekend. Now that that is over, I realize how much time on my hands I have and that is hard.

Since I found out H has a new place w/ OW through FB, I have stayed away from his social media pages. As much as I am curious, it hurts too much to see how he has moved on... that is until yesterday. I was on my FB page and a section for "People you might know" came up and there was OW as a recommendation. She had a new profile pic of her, H and her D. Another rusty dagger to the heart. I will forever shake my head at each display of how he has moved on so quickly and as if S and I never existed. I was in a sleepy haze, so I quickly closed it and proceeded to have the worst, sleepless night I've had in the last 2 weeks.

Also in the last 2 weeks, I've had the opportunity to see and meet up w/ SIL. I don't push it, it's her initiating it. We texted a bit last night and I was telling her how happy I was to see FB pics of her cousin who has been helping take care of FIL during the days - meal prepping, running errands, socializing. She said it's been working out great and she's also so happy. Then tells me cousin has said she sees fear in FIL's eyes when H comes over. He has no patience for his father and treats him as if he doesn't have dementia. Told SIL I was surprised life wasn't now perfect w/ me out of it and R w/ FIL miraculously healed. Don't understand if he's not taking care of FIL, why he should display such impatience? Rhetorical question, I know why. Anyway, I was surprised to get a call from SIL today asking if I was busy on Thursday and would I like to get a massage after work. I said sure. She then tells me H called her H and asked if he'd like to get a drink on Thurs. SIL says she thinks H wants to introduce OW to them and SIL will not be joining. She told her H she'd rather hang out with me. I appreciated the support, but [censored] that hurts! We are still married, still haven't been served and he is parading this "person" around as if.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with my home and knowing I need to get moving on selling it. The holidays are busy enough without throwing in the sale prep and packing. Worse yet, I have to contact H to discuss exactly how we will proceed. I wanted to put some time in b/t our last horrible interaction and my next outreach, which will be via email. I'm feeling like a chicken because I just don't want to deal with him. I can make the excuse that I'd rather wait until after Thanksgiving, but then we start getting close to December for even just an email. I feel stuck.

With that being said, I'm feeling better and even with these latest blows, I'm hurting but getting back up more quickly. Here's to progress.

[LAJar]

Job,

Thank you for taking the time to stop and write some lovely words of encouragement.

I see when you say some day the pain will not be so great. Even just 4 months later, I am fighting to get back up much more quickly than even 2 months ago. It is still a battle and one that I wish I never had to experience, but I hope I will be stronger and better off when I come out the other side. I say when, because I know I will. I have had other significant R's that were not great and I landed on my feet, I just thought this one was different. And as much as I want H to be strong enough to one day realize the pain and make amends, the idea makes me resentful. Why then? Why when I've moved on and no longer want this R? Why not before when I would have been willing to work on it and move forward together? I know this is assuming he ever has that realization, but my last 2 significant R's it's happened that way. I tried and tried and when I gave up, they came back. I can't stand the idea of H, who was supposed to be so different, doing the same.

I am trying my best, I really am. I no longer cry everyday, but I do cry. I just work to pick myself up and move forward. I am having more better days now and I am encouraged by that, but so don't look foward to those bad days when they come. I am finding my way through this new normal of being single and alone. My sister's baby shower this weekend, I saw myself simply hiding. I couldn't bear the thought of someone asking where was H (co-ed shower) and me having to lie again. Or most would see this as not a bad problem, but having someone compliment me on my weight loss. I put on about 25 lbs. throughout our R and since I'm just a bit over 5 ft, it showed. Since BD, I have lost about 20 lbs. and it also shows. I've had so many questions on how I've done it and how great I look. If they only knew! Don't get me wrong, ultimately I'm happy to have dropped the weight, but I'm just as embarrassed at the why.

Your words are a part of what gets us newbies to the other side and I appreciate that dearly. It's why after being gone for a couple of weeks, I come back and feel such a release. Thank you again job. I can't say your words mean more than you know, becuase you do know, but just thank you.

[OwnIt]

LA--

Glad to see your update. Sounds like you are doing great. I have crying jags most days. They don't last that long, but I just let them come. Good that you have perspective and other relationships that you can look to for reference.

Congrats on your weight loss (if not the way anyone wants to do it) and for keeping it off.

You are doing great for where you are in the process!!! (But stay off his FB).

[peacetoday]

Hi

Glad to hear you are doing better

I know it is hard to see them move on and their new life with OW looks so wonderful

but trust me it usually does not last and how could it really

OW is living with a M man--that says a lot about her
My XH did the same, he them M her and D her-

Glad You and SIL are working things out
I like the fact that I can reach out to XH sisters on occasion and they are always there
they know and understand the truth..MY XH Family hated OW and she was banned from their homes..

It is a tough way to lose weight but also very common among us LBS
Enjoy looking great! buy a new outfit, get a new hairstyle
as time passes you may get an apology..just remember I don't think the MLCer ever forgets the pain they caused..many of them do apologize in some way-