it all hurts a lot and as time passes so does the pain
Its good you have a safe place to go for now where you don't feel alone just allow it and trust you will grieve and watch and everything will work out for the best in time
trust the place you are now- when the time comes to confront H-you will be ok get clear about your options and choices and actions and most importantly take care of you
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I know the hurt will subside, but I can see it in everyone that comes here, it still lingers... even just a bit. I'll be in that bunch, but it's sad to see that MLCer moves on and LBS will always hold the pain.
The confrontation may be sooner than I thought. My father had gone to the house for me this morning to pick up some things and saw that H has taken items from the house, namely our living room TV. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. Do I let it rest or do I say something. It's OUR TV and no doubt he's taken it to OW house, just like other smaller items that I actually 100% paid for. My heart is in my throat right now, but I am holding off on contacting him. Any advice???
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
--tough one hopefully others will chime in on this one
I know after a while I got tired of H coming over and having a key, so I asked him for the key back and he gave it If he came over, we needed to be home and available MY XH took papers that were important like his motorcycle deed and sold it when I was not home That was paid with shared money-
your H does not live there anymore-I would set clear boundaries moving forward he can take what is his, but both of you need to agree maybe since you are living alone a new lock can be aded and just simply tell H for your safety you've added a new lock and if he would like to come over to get things in the future, you will have to be home he does not need the key because he doesn't live there-
We have to realize the MLCer will do exactly whatever they plan to do-no matter how nice or not we are We have to stand up for our rights even if we lose them because if we are meant to lose them we will either way some LBS can wind up in debt by allowing MLCer to run the show and call shots Do what is best for you-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Again, even tougher than I expected. I just found out he has moved into a new condo with OW. It got the best of me and couldn't help but text him that he needed to return the TV. I told him it belonged to both of us and needed to be returned for when we divide up our assets. He said it belonged only to him. In actuality, it was through a promotion when he signed up for a new cell phone along with my cable provider. He said sorry, it's not going back. Talk to his lawyer and stop harassing him (much of this in all CAPS). I said nothing for him to be sorry about, but he was in violation. My text to him are no more harassment than the ones he sends me and that he needs to serve me. Petty I know, but I also threw in he only wished I was (harassing him). My lawyer told me I needed to, at some point, make the lack of service clear so it doesn't look like I'm avoiding it. Up until the end, I felt like I wasn't antagonizing, but only asking him to bring back our TV. He's taken other things and it's upsetting. I did ask him to return some outdoor lighting that I specifically paid for - happy to split that. I just think if he takes anything, I'll never see it again.
That did not go well, but I guess he just didn't like me telling him he needed to return the nice TV he was using in his new home. Wow? He's got unfinished business with his wife and is making a new home with someone else?! I am dumbfounded. He has texted me countless times and I have really tried holding my reaction. Initially there were some angry text, but I have tried my best. I don't initiate any. The one time I have actually initiated a text and he reacts that way.
I just reached out to my L and let her know about the text exchange. Let her know I made him aware he needs to serve me. I also asked her if I'm able to change the locks.
I know this is only the beginning. He thinks he can take anything he wants. If he paid for it, what's his is his. I am not trying to take anything from the house, I just want it to stay there so we can fairly divide.
I don't know if I'm even sad. I'm angry for sure, but I'm not even sure if this hurts? I just can't believe this is where we're at and the anger is justified and on display because he has someone.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
LA--you are going to end up paying your lawyer a fortune to argue over things that aren't worth it (like the string of lights for example).
Do as Peace suggests and change the locks. He is living elsewhere. Then keep a list of the stuff he took and the value and hand it over to your lawyer when they make the big list of who gets what.
Remember that when you respond to this stuff you are just playing into his narrative of what a nut job you are and why he needs to divorce you. Just let it go.
It's easy for me to say that because I am further down the line and my H only took a few clothes and kitchen and garage items that I didn't even want.
In the beginning I made lots of excuses to contact him and they were all facially legitimate. I think at this point I'd rather cut off my arm than contact him for anything. It isn't fear, just distaste. I don't like giving him anything. I don't want him to think that I care about him in the slightest.
Whether he has served you or not you can likely get on with the show by filing an answer if you want to move it along (talk to your lawyer if you do). If not, do nothing, but stop contacting him and don't remind him that he hasn't served you.
I agree w/OwnIt. Make a list of the things that he has taken. Walk around the house and really take notice of your surroundings. I suspect he may have taken more than what you think. MLCers feel entitled and will take whatever catches their eye at the time they are in the family home. I would also suggest that you take photos so that if he returns once again, you'll be able to compare the photos with the actual surroundings. Am I making a big deal out of this? No, I discovered things missing weeks after my xh made visits to the home when I was at work.
Also, MLCers will string you along w/negotiating terms of separation/divorce. Some lawyers have no problems arguing over the small stuff. Lights can be replaced and I know you may feel justified in bringing up issues (little things)...but keep your focus on the big ticket items, i.e., such as finances, your home, child support, the house, etc.
Change the locks (f your state allows it) or get an alarm system. If you already have an alarm system, change the code. If you have a garage w/an automatic garage door opener, change the code or unplug the opener once the door is down. Also, check your computer system to see if he's put any codes in so that he can see what you are receiving and sending remotely. Yes, my xh did this and I was lucky enough that my MIL told me about it.
Please, please do not contact him about missing items and the "estimated worth" of those items. They love attention, be it positive or negative and they will drag things out until you toss your hands up in the air and do the heavy lifting. Leave things be for now and do not remind him that he hasn't served you. I know that this is tough on you, but just leave it be for now. Come here to vent.
Just remember, the more you contact your lawyer about stuff, the more it's wracking up costs on your end. Make your contact w/your lawyer count, i.e., lists of questions and items missing when you do meet will help is cutting the costs of picking up the phone or emailing him/her a lot.
I thought I would just chime in here even though my situation is a bit different. The legislation about what you can and cannot do is different given where you live.
My lawyer - after giving me a very broad wink - told me that I cannot deny my STBX access to the marital home by changing the locks. I chose to not change the locks but what I did do was to install a security system made up of old cell phones (Android IP Webcam tied to the free Russian IVideon service). I then sent her a note telling her about the cameras. You could just send a note that you "may" be putting a security system in. That should reduce the unannounced visits.
What was a big concern for me after talking to divorced friends was keeping the whole process as simple and as cheap as reasonably possible. One phrase that I used that my lawyer quite liked was "arguing about nickels in the couch cushions". Quite often the items in question are worth less than the legal fees to talk about like the TV currently in question. When my STBX and her brother stripped the house back in July 2016 a lot of things left that I still miss. I chose to not make a fuss about them and my blood pressure and bank account are the better for it.
LAJar - I'd like you to give some hard thought to what you want out of the end-game. If you want "fairness" - that's going to cost you in legal fees, pain and drama. Some people go this path. I did a post on my thread a couple of months ago I think talking about anger and how I was working on the attitude that she wasn't worth my anger and didn't deserve it. I've largely let it go. From many points of view I didn't get "fair" - a four letter word beginning with F. But I did get peace and a path forward.
In the end I got a pretty good settlement. The last meeting went smoothly by me suggesting and the other side agreeing to round numbers for a lot of valuations. We decided for example that the value of property left behind was roughly equivalent to what she took without bothering to do an actual inventory of the property involved.
Now in my case too, I'm the higher wage earner and knew that no matter what that I was going to get hosed. I chose the path of least pain to get her gone.
Just some things to think about.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi, I just wanted to chime in with the good advice given by others. I would certainly keep the focus on the bigger picture - and that does mean letting some things go. Don't let the big things go, but do let the smaller things go - would be my advice.
In my situation, I agonised about whether to include funds spent on OW whilst we were still M. These ran to many �000's and of course impacted on the overall asset base. However, we were lucky enough to have significant assets to divide and I was thankful for that and let the OW issue go.
I focused on achieving a fair settlement in 'our circumstances' (7 years married and no kids together.) Total asset base - minus I take what I brought in and XH the same. Then we divide remaining assets (ie: the asset growth) 50/50.
That is what I held out for and achieved, and it is the normal arrangement in a situation like ours.I should mention that the settlement I received ended up being roughly double that which XH originally proposed.
So, be clear about the big stuff, and try not to get bogged down in the small stuff. To my mind, the big stuff is making sure you control access to assets as Job has suggested.
Hope this helps a little anyway! :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Own, I understand I shouldn't contact my L over every little issue. I needed to respond to an email re. my financials, so I decided to tack that on and mostly just to ask what I am legally allowed to do. Unfortunately, I am not able to change the locks. I asked. Yes, I'm not that far down but because I have very limited contact, it seems that has pushed me further along. I don't initiate any contact. This is the first time, since the week he left that I've contacted him. I don't plan on contacting him again, but I'm at a loss on what I do about the sale of our house. I or my RE agent will need to contact him in order to list. Using L to do this, is a waste of more $. I am not ready to push the D forward. At this time, it needs to be all him. I also only told him about serving me because my L said I should, but I will not do that again. I get what you're saying and am completely (relatively speaking) happy to not contact him.
job, L suggested I also video all of the rooms. I know he's taken other things but haven't said much until now w/ the lights & some thing that belonged to my mom. The other items ticked me off, but I let them go. Again, he will not hear from me on this matter, until it's brought up by my L.
AndrewP, I contemplated security cameras initially and it was really more so because I am a single woman, living in a new house, new community. I didn't end up doing that, but will think again about that, depending on how long I keep the house. It's just extremely frustrating that he comes and goes as he pleases. Now the neighbors are starting to wonder what's going on because 1. we're new to the community and 2. it's probably obvious H is no longer there. Two have come over when my father was there and were fishing. One told him that H had been to the house at midnight and was in a new truck. I have no idea what he took that time because the TV was removed on Monday. I get it, MLC, but what does he think he's doing?!
What I want out of the end game, yes, is fairness. H has gone on and on about wanting this to be civil and amicable. He's done nothing of the sort. I feel like he made these choices and now I'm made to "suffer" the consequences. In a perfect world, we would split things fairly, but I would like 1st say on some of these things. I feel like that's only right, but that's only my opinion. If I chuck the fairness, I want my sanity and some financial stability. I'm willing to let some things go in order to achieve that, but not all. He believes if he paid for it, it's his and that includes his pension, retirement accounts. That will be my biggest fight. I've been told I'm ineligible for almost 1/2 of our down payment. It was a gift from his father & the gift letter only had his name on it. Anything I get after that wouldn't even cover all of the my 401K withdrawl for home improvements. IF we make anything extra, it will be due to the improvements, but that's a big if.
It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday. The reality of my situation vs. his, is humbling/ego bruising, to put it mildly. I am staying in a room at my parents house on a twin bed, living out of bags, on the verge of selling my house while I'm alone. He, on the other hand, is in a new condo with a new person, life and possibly car. Four months ago, I never would have thought my life would be here. It's a lot to digest.
I see what you're saying though and need to think again about the small stuff and prioritize. Assets that will give me long-term stability will be my big battle and where my energy should go.
I need to refocus and keep the crazy to a minimum. job, as you suggested, I will continue to use the boards to vent. Thank you to you all for giving me a shake and helping me clear the fog a bit. To a better day...
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
