Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 3)

[Tate]

To doodler, yes, my W has done everything she can to destroy our marriage. For years, she has been distant...now I know it is from the EA with my BIL. I am not denying that I had a part in the deterioration of our M, though. But, you are correct in that she is the one running around having affairs while I stood by her side, loyal in spite of many reasons to stray.

To others saying I need to get a spine and get my balls back, what exact actions would you take? My W does not care one bit if I leave, which is the only thing I can ultimately do. I have no problem acting counter to my W, but this will always end in bitter tongue lashings and more hate from my W. She very calmly layed out a plan on her first divorce announcement to get our finances in order and D in a year. Upon her renig on D, she told me she expects me to leave at some point, knowing I will not be happy with her proposed partnership. She is more than detached from me...in hindsight, that is what she was doing for years going out of town with the kids when she knew I could not join them, eating dinner before I got home from work, etc. You are correct that she is cake eating.

My plan upon her divorce announcement was become the man only a fool would leave. If my W kept up the EA, then I would leave. The result would be that I am a better man, and my W would be missing out on that. With things backsliding lately, dhe likely will not miss me if I leave.

My decisions are based on a couple factors: the way my W and I used to get along, my kids having two parents...especially now when my W is off to school several nights a week, material assets...a little, and fear of the unknown if we separate/divorce.

[Ginger1]

She very calmly layed out a plan on her first divorce announcement to get our finances in order and D in a year. Upon her renig on D, she told me she expects me to leave at some point, knowing I will not be happy with her proposed partnership. She is more than detached from me...in hindsight, that is what she was doing for years going out of town with the kids when she knew I could not join them, eating dinner before I got home from work, etc. You are correct that she is cake eating.

My plan upon her divorce announcement was become the man only a fool would leave. If my W kept up the EA, then I would leave. The result would be that I am a better man, and my W would be missing out on that. With things backsliding lately, dhe likely will not miss me if I leave.

My decisions are based on a couple factors: the way my W and I used to get along, my kids having two parents...especially now when my W is off to school several nights a week, material assets...a little, and fear of the unknown if we separate/divorce.

This is truly heart breaking. You "used to like eachother?" Well, she hasn't respected you in YEARS! Your kids will still have two parents. Separate homes, two parents always. For them to see what is being modeled before them will do more harm than good with two parents in the home.

You focus here on what affect your moving out would have on HER. This is about you and your kids, buddy. How to save those people, not about your wife coming back. So what if she is detached? So what if this doesn't make her want to come home? At least you will get your balls back, an ounce of self-esteem, and your kids won't have this kind of relationship modeled for them.

Just because she won't miss you when you leave doesn't mean you still aren't a man a fool would leave. You need to be that guy for YOURSELF. Not for her. Being a man who only a food would leave does not mean doing every chore in the house and baking and feeding cake to your wife.

I pray you get out. I pray you realize you shouldn't be treated this way. let her feel the pain of not having the kids full-time. Her reality is she will have to split custody. And I think in her state, your kids would be better off in that scenario.

Good luck to you.

[TBSakaJ9]

T......I believe the advice you got was to move out of the house and away from her madness. What is stopping you from doing that?

FWIW.....my W moved out of our home and I know she doesn't miss me. For the record, she is a fool.

IMO you are making this too much about your W, her feelings and not enough about you.

Also, all the stuff the G said.

[Tread]

You need to divorce her and explain to your family why this is happening as a start. W doesn't care about you leaving, then you need you stay anyways. Trust me she will care about a divorce, especially when the truth get a out. Hate to break this to you, but your W already hates you. Tell her to kiss your a** if she gets too disrespectful.

She will see you as the man only a fool will leave once your not around. And BIL does nothing for her. Right now she is well aware that you are too afraid to leave her. Its time for actions at this piint in your sitch. Can't use the kids as an excuse anymore. Right now your W is getting educated to find a job to leave you. It's time to make things difficult for her.

[Holding]

To others saying I need to get a spine and get my balls back, what exact actions would you take?

It's difficult to say exactly. In the end, you need to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say "I did everything I could, and I wasn't a pushover." Basically, you want to minimize your regrets from this point forward. Be confident in yourself. It's a journey that starts with small steps.

...and fear of the unknown if we separate/divorce.

Yep. That's a huge fear. Face it. Don't think of it as defeat or failure. Because you can do everything right, and your W might still want to D, and there's nothing you can do to stop her.

Start planning your life alone, just you and your kids. Tough question: Why do you want to save this M?

[LH19]

...and fear of the unknown if we separate/divorce.

Tate,

Everyone here has felt that at some point. It's natural to feel that way. I am not yet divorced yet but I can tell you it can't be as bad as how you are living right now.

Read up on IT0402's thread. He recently got his own place after living in a high stressed household like you are living in and he is loving his life right now having his own place for his daughter and himself.

[25yearsmlc]

To doodler, yes, my W has done everything she can to destroy our marriage. For years, she has been distant...now I know it is from the EA with my BIL. I am not denying that I had a part in the deterioration of our M, though. But, you are correct in that she is the one running around having affairs while I stood by her side, loyal in spite of many reasons to stray.


I wish loyalty was rewarded the way we hoped. But it's the opposite. Please consider this.

And I'm not suggesting you "stray" but that you do not stay. There's a difference



To others saying I need to get a spine and get my balls back, what exact actions would you take? My W does not care one bit if I leave, which is the only thing I can ultimately do.

so, why not leave? You admit fear is keeping you in the house. You admit the r stinks and you admit the kids see this.

You seem to believe the reasons you are staying are to HELP THE MARRIAGE

but it's the opposite. Staying in the house is NOT helping the marriage. only by leaving MIGHT you later rebuild the marriage b/c only then might she learn to respect you.

That is what at least some of us are saying.

I have no problem acting counter to my W, but this will always end in bitter tongue lashings and more hate from my W.

then leave! Or what? Let her lash out b/c she can? How on earth is this a healthy choice?


She very calmly layed out a plan on her first divorce announcement to get our finances in order and D in a year. Upon her renig on D, she told me she expects me to leave at some point, knowing I will not be happy with her proposed partnership. She is more than detached from me...in hindsight, that is what she was doing for years going out of town with the kids when she knew I could not join them, eating dinner before I got home from work, etc. You are correct that she is cake eating.


So, she has been effectively out of the marriage for years and has been cake eating for years...and your solution is to be kinder to her.

How's that working out for you?


My plan upon her divorce announcement was become the man only a fool would leave. If my W kept up the EA, then I would leave.

But she's a fool. No change there.


The result would be that I am a better man, and my W would be missing out on that. With things backsliding lately, dhe likely will not miss me if I leave.


Well she flat out says she wants you to leave! So IF she's going to miss you, it won't be with you staying, wilt?

And meanwhile she'll curse at you and say she hates you, in front of the kids. TO force you to hear it, to show her contempt.

Short of physically assaulting you, what can get worse?

How bad does it have to get before you leave, AND OR file and get HER to leave? If you are the primary caretaker or half,

in some states you can file, stay in the home, and get a restraining order on HER. She is abusive.


My decisions are based on a couple factors: the way my W and I used to get along,

no time machine to go back there. (Believe me, I wish there was).

Another mistake many of us make, to our detriment and NOT to the benefit of the m,

is staying based on our spouses potential as a partner. Please learn from our mistakes. Stay or leave based on reality, not the hopium of them changing.

Because You're saying you want to stay b/c she might change.

let that^^^ fallacy sink in[/i]



my kids having two parents...

two parents fighting in front of them. The hatred she is spewing is toxic for them and for you. And it's not even good for her.

You really think the alternative is worse??



material assets...


okay so the money matters, as you like the material things and life style. Admit that and ask yourself how it relates to self respect. Mind you, I don't pooh pooh the life style but I will say up front, as the wife of a doctor, i bought into the false illusion that if I remained - my loyalty would be rewarded and all the sacrifices would be WORTH it in the end.


But he left anyhow, and that's after I invested another decade into the m.

Do not assume that if you stay, she will! I seriously doubt that.; I think she's biding her time.

Also if you were a woman in an abusive marriage - the advice would be clear. And saying it's abusive may embarrass you, but it's just reality. Period.

A woman in your shoes would be urged to leave asap, seek help, and file a restraining order so the kids don't have to witness this terrible model of behavior, and so you all could be safe..

you, otoh, are a man capable of earning something, and you won't be on the streets without any help with the kids (which more than half of women face when they leave abusive marriages')
you are not trapped. But given your goals, imo, your methods are not getting you there.


a little, and fear of the unknown if we separate/divorce.

fear of the unknown may be your biggest factor. But here's the thing.

A) I truly believe your w is going to leave you (sorry) and your choice to stick around for the way she treats you INCREASES the chances of her leaving, imo

(she probably does not like herself when she's a jerk, but blames you for bringing out the worst in her). So she is biding her time to leave. Shows no sign of wanting to work on things.

B) your fears if the unknown are unrealistic though understandable. You really cannot have things worsen. Your home will get smaller. Um, I lived in a 5300 sq ft house 18 months ago and have moved 3 times since. I"m in a condo I really like but it's smaller.

Easier to care for and I'm not getting hassled by h.

Your w will pay CS and some alimony for awhile. If you file - maybe you may be able to stay in the home for awhile

and then find a place of your own so that when she has the kids, you can GAL for real and though that sounds scary to you, learn to embrace it. We all had to.

When you face the real choice you have, don't make it into a myth.

You are NOT facing a choice between a "working marriage, returning to what it once was"'

VERSUS a terrible divorce with only loneliness on the other side. That's a false dichotomy

This^^ image is false in both sentences.

the reality - yes reality - is that your choice is to:

temporarily stay in an untenable domestic situation in which your children witness your w behaving terribly towards you, even by WAW's standards.

and it's a "marriage" in name only. One in which you are overtly disrespected and in which NO indication of her changing is apparent, let alone returning to the m you once had.

With your fears paralyzing you, you remain a target. And your kids are the audience.


VERSUS leaving the shore of persecution to get to the other side of this.

Overwhelmingly the LBSer who ventures out, reports back that on they are grateful for the divorce. Some wish they'd left sooner. The WAS's I know all - yes ALL- end up telling us later that, "dear God, yes it is so worth it. WAS did me a favor."

learn from them. Trust.

[Tate]

So, I read most of your responses at lunch today (and the remaining just now), and I thought man, everyone is over reacting to my situation...its really not that horrible.

Then, tonight, I was hanging out with the kids while my W was in class. My W came home early while I was helping my daughter (9) with her homework. My daughter was having a hard time with a problem and was getting a bit over tired and upset. My W came in the room right away barking at my daughter on how to do the problem. I very nicely told my W that I had this covered and we were just about finished. My wife rudely told me that this is what she teaches and that she was going to help my daughter.

I noticed that my daughter was getting more upset as my W was still barking instructions at her. I told my W that our daughter was a little tired and I could help her wrap up her work. I watched my daughter start crying as my W continued barking instructions at her. After my daughter was crying and I was consoling her, my W got up and left telling my daughter to just forget about it for tonight and finish it in the morning. She then bitterly told me how she did not appreciate me rolling my eyes at her while she was helping HER daughter in front of all three kids.

I stayed, calmed my daughter down, and helped her finish her work so she would not worry about it all night.

I tucked my daughter in as usual. She told me she loves me and that I am the best dad in the world.

[sandi2]

I don't think we are over reacting. You are deceiving yourself. You are scared and co-dependent. You don't have a healthy MR, and you are grasping at straws to give sufficient reasons for staying with someone who clearly shows contempt for you. And, b/c she has so much contemp for you......her rage will turn on the kids even more now. Last night was just a small example of what will be coming from her.

You are the one who needs to wake up and see what she is doing to you, your children, and your family!




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