Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 3)

[Tate]

But DBing is first and foremost, about doing what works.

(Not to nag, but have you actually read the DB book?)

Anyhow, what you are doing is NOT working. You gotta Do something different.

Last but not least,

I don't say this often, but in this circumstance, I'm very concerned your kids are not better off in this "intact" family. The dynamic is abusive. Seriously.

If a man said to his wife, what your w says to you


"get out of the living room/I hate you/I love the kids more than I hate you-you're lucky"


there'd be no hesitation saying it's verbal/emotional abuse. And in front of the kids?

Bad news. You have to change how you interact, asap.[/color]

In my situation, I have not found anything that works for long. The only thing that seemed to make things better was me absolutely killing myself trying to do all the chores plus everything I normally do and going to every single thing my W and kids went to out of town. This got me through the initial threat of divorce.

Yes, I read the book, but that was 1.5 years ago now. I also worked through the marriage bootcamp program another marriage coach offers. This program was, to me, more geared toward a couple where both people want to improve their relationship. The benefit to me was it kept me in a friendly frame of mind for my W.

[sandi2]

So, the question for sandi2 is what steps or process do you recommend I follow if I want to try to restore my marriage based on my specific situation?

If you have not had a consultation visit with a lawyer, I recommend you do it ASAP. Check to see if you leaving the house could be counted by the court as abandonment, or go against you in any way. If the lawyer says it makes no difference if you leave, then I recommend you physically move and separate from her. This M is not going to get better with both of you under the same roof. Her distain for you is too great at this time. Time and distance is your only hope, IMHO.

I'm not talking about distancing yourself while living in the same house. Your situation has moved past that point of having any effect. Physically staying somewhere else and keeping away from her (not the kids) may work to calm things down.....if you stay NC. It's your last resort to save the M, as I see it.

The biggest concern is the children and the lasting affects of watching their mom chop their dad into pieces. If the lawyer says not to "move" out of the house (although she is mentally abusive), then ask if you could just spend time visiting relatives or friends.....go camping indefinitely, or some excuse to get you away from her. Is there any place you could stay, for the time being?

That's my personal recommendation, FWIW. Physical separation may possibly save the M, in time. If you remain under the same roof, there is little to zero hope. Initially, I encourage the H not to leave the home, but if he is M to an abuser....I would give him the same advice I would tell a woman who is being abused......which is to get away from the abuser.

[25yearsmlc]

total agreement ^^^

you cannot save the m being in the same house, imo.

"Doing everything" is no way to live, it's not sustainable anyhow. And it's no way to get respect from your w, or model marriage to your kids.


I was so sure maintaining an "intact family" was the only priority, and so afraid of the alternative, that I failed to see what my kids saw. Putting up with too much garbage and neglecting my own needs is a huge regret of mine - as a mother and as a woman.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

the fact that this is not your first round of DBing is telling and sad.

It means that "doing everything" actually did not last.

We all must live and learn and not repeat the same mistakes. Our spouses may repeat their mistakes so we must change OUR response.

Not all marriages can be saved, not all should be.

But IF IF IF your wife can come around, it'd be by her losing you.

See a L asap to see how you can extricate yourself from this crazy abuse cycle.
You are a participant in the abuse cycle your kids are watching, till you get out of it.

Go be with the kids in peace, let them see some harmony and kindness. And sanity.

You can't do that with a w who is batchit angry at you.

I'm very sorry.

[Tate]

Couple clarifications for both sandi2 and 25yearsmic and summary to date..this is still the first round of DB, so to speak. My W wanted a D due to PA with OM. That fell apart and I did tons of 180s, and my W decided not to D. She declared she will stay as a partner in raising kids only.

Things seemed to be improving until the recent event of my W accidentally sending me a text meant for my BIL. W freaked out and told my BIL what happened. I thought my W had ended her EA with my BIL. I figured it was time to tell my sister about the EA. After W found out, she told me she was filing for D. My W did not file, and has been very angry since...likely she feels trapped. In recent argument, W declared she will not leave me because she does not want to split time with the kids.

So, her strong anger is a relatively new emotion. Yes, she is verbally abusive, but she saves this mostly for after kids are asleep.

I have consulted a lawyer in the past and was told that if I leave the house, it is a form of abandonment and could cause me to lose shared custody should things take a turn.

Right now, it seems like me GAL by going out, away from the house along with being polite, detached, and scarce around the house might be my best course of action...thoughts?

[Tate]

To clarify, my GAL away from house would just be evenings and blocks of time on weekends....not days.

[doodler]

Tate,

If you look at your situation objectively, your wife has done everything she can to destroy your marriage; she's having an affair with your BIL and she holds you in contempt. But, you still want her and you want your marriage to work. She has no motivation to do anything other than what she's currently doing, which involves eating a lot of cake.

The dynamics of your situation are the opposite of what should be happening. She should be begging you to come back because she's the one inflicting all of the damage. What can you do to change the dynamics? The DB response is that you need to work on yourself (become the man only a fool would leave) and stop serving cake to your wife.

I don't think those two things are mutually exclusive. I believe part of becoming a better man is providing clear communication about your expectations and boundaries while your wife is living in your house. Of course, that's not easy. It requires growing a spine and being tough.

[LH19]

Tate,

I am going to be blunt because you do not seem to get it. You need to go get your b@lls back from your wife and start acting like a man and get your wife to respect you.

If you want to take that BS from her that's one thing but my concern is you have sons that are going to grow up thinking that's how women treat men and they are going to suffer serious issues in their relationships.

IMO your'e being driven by fear. Are you?

[Tread]

Tate,

Time for you to kick W to the curb. At this point it's the only way to get some respect back. There is no reason for her to stop. I know you're afraid to lose her at this point. But she is already gone from the marriage.

[25yearsmlc]

Tate,

I'm as pro m as they come. But turn this marriage over, it's done.

IF IF IF IF

there is a chance for an actual marriage, (a reconciliation in which SHE wakes up and gets it & you guys build a new r) it's NOT by letting your wife eat cake that you bake and clean up after.

Good grief, this^^^ is not a marriage. So you cannot save it.

I am not saying there is no hope for a second shot down the road, but what you have at the moment is not a marriage.

It's having a rude roomate with run of the house, who engages in mean spirited resentment filled destructive behavior in front of your kids - who wants to annex territory in the home, regardless of whether you are in it.

I'm not crazy about the "living room/go to bed early" loop you guys are in. But that's a sideshow that distracts from the underlying problem.

As for "this not being the 2nd round of DBing", I guess that's b/c it's the 2 year destruction of a marriage.


I'm so sorry but really, truly, the marriage already ended. Your wife will not second guess her choice by you staying in this situation.

You are holding onto the cliff with your fingers - a cliff your w pushed over,

and you think if you somehow hold on a little tighter, and squirm less, THEN she's going to see what a great catch you are b/c you put up with being treated like dirt, for a long time...

but that's not how it works my friend. I'm so sorry.

If loyalty and devotion in the face of betrayal were the solutions, many of us would not be here.

You must extricate yourself from this ordeal, for yourself and the only life you get, and for your children.

Otherwise you are creating a generational legacy of maltreatment, unhappy marriages that your children may pass on to theirs.

Stop the cycle now.