I have come to terms with the fact that I suck at disconnecting. She always knows just the right way to get me into a conversation about us. She has these little ways of giving me small threads of hope so that I am not too far away. It was easier to do when she was out of the house.
Being in the same house is SO HARD. I have in-house separation too, and my STBXW refuses to move out unless I sign some bogus waiver for her so she can buy a house. Doing laundry or even getting a drink of water can lead to an uncomfortable moment.
Your W knows the buttons to push and how to lead you on. Be strong. (Easier said than done, right?) Don't let her guilt you into things.
I have the feeling you actually need to retain a L, not just talk to one.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Being in the same house is SO HARD. I have in-house separation too, and my STBXW refuses to move out unless I sign some bogus waiver for her so she can buy a house. Doing laundry or even getting a drink of water can lead to an uncomfortable moment.
Your W knows the buttons to push and how to lead you on. Be strong. (Easier said than done, right?) Don't let her guilt you into things.
I have the feeling you actually need to retain a L, not just talk to one.
it's very very hard to do inside the same house. I assume that is only temporary for you (God, let's hope so).
You can practice a few mantras in her presence when she brings up the r or divorce.
(Though I'd probably screw my head in the ceiling with the "let's be mature" comment. She's delusional if she thinks this won't affect your kids).
"W, let's table those issues for now. I'm busy GAL" and get out of the home!
"W, I'm leaving the legal issues to the lawyers, that's what they're for."
"W, I accept that the m is over and I'm looking out for the kids now..."
(Dazed - this ^^^ is for the NON pursuit point. I'm not a fan of saying "I don't want this divorce so you have to do the work & blah blah blah."
YOU DO accept this ^^^- b/c it's part of you acting as if. You are "going to be fine" regardless of what SHE chooses.
You become a man only a fool would leave, but be prepared for your wife to be a fool.
Sorry
You can accept it with resignation and regret FOR HER b/c you are - at least now - a good man, a parent who is working on himself and putting the children's needs first.
She's not.
And you must MUST GAL
volunteer somewhere, coach, take a class, join something, go to a meet up meeting, join a team, etc.
this month^^^ you need to do at least one of these things.
"Winter is coming", and it won't be an easy one.
GAL is how you detach and both are key.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Dazed, your W is wayward and one of the symptoms of a wayward W is the total selfishness they have. They put themselves above everyone and everything else. If they can't benefit, then they aren't interested.
All these things your W is saying to you about the money, child custody, etc, are to benefit her. She will manipulate, guilt you, play on your sympathy, threaten you, make false promises, hint at a possible future together, bully you......and anything else she thinks will get her what she wants.
When she talks about being mature adults about this, it is her way of keeping you from doing something that might actually bite her in the rear. She will accuse you of being vindictive or hateful whenever you take action she doesn't like.
Before you can save the M, you must save yourself. In the long run, it is the best way to save the relationship. By the way you report what she says and what she has decided, I can't help but wonder if this is nothing new in the dynamics of your MR. She calls the shots and you do whatever she decides. Is this a fair assumption?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
First update in a while. Wife has been back home for two weeks now. We get along most day. We fight every now and then when we talk about us or the affair that she had that seems to have completely ended. My issue is that she is living here but in the other room. We don't have a relationship but she gets some of the benefits of being married. We all have dinner together. We go shopping together. We hang out at night and laugh and talk. She says that there is no change in her feeling that we will try again, but she won't file or do anything to separate. She is just content to just live here. It is so hard as we don't really have a relationship. We went to a kids party this weekend. We had so much fun. We kissed for the first time in 3 months after a few beers later that night. Prob not the best idea but I love my wife and the attention was nice. But we quickly stopped.
She says that she sees all of the ways that I have changed and she notices a difference in me. She just says it is too late. We went to church on Sunday and she cried. The message was about decisions. We were both moved. So we live in this house. We act like a family when the kids have needs but have no relationship. I am lonely and miserable. What do I do? She says she believes that if we tried again it would be great for 2 or 3 years but would go back to the old ways.
My issue is that she is living here but in the other room. We don't have a relationship but she gets some of the benefits of being married. We all have dinner together. We go shopping together. We hang out at night and laugh and talk.
If you're doing that stuff together then you DO have a relationship with her, but it's not the one you want.
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She says that there is no change in her feeling that we will try again, but she won't file or do anything to separate.
It is very typical for a WAS to say they are done, things will never change, their mind is made up, there is no hope, etc. etc. They speak in absolutes. But they can change their minds later no matter how convinced they are now.
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She says that she sees all of the ways that I have changed and she notices a difference in me. She just says it is too late.
Again, that is typical WAS script. It takes time before she starts believing your changes and decides to change her mind.
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I am lonely and miserable. What do I do?
Ask yourself why you are "lonely", and why that makes you miserable. Sounds like you are codependent, which is unhealthy for both of you. You can't be happy with someone else until you can be happy alone. I'm alone all the time, but I'm never lonely. I can keep myself entertained in a number of crazy, interesting, strange ways Find yourself. Get out. GAL. Let her figure her stuff out while you explore your independence. You can do this while living under the same roof with her.
Ask yourself why you are "lonely", and why that makes you miserable. Sounds like you are codependent, which is unhealthy for both of you. You can't be happy with someone else until you can be happy alone. I'm alone all the time, but I'm never lonely. I can keep myself entertained in a number of crazy, interesting, strange ways Find yourself. Get out. GAL. Let her figure her stuff out while you explore your independence. You can do this while living under the same roof with her.
This is 100% my issue. I am lonely because I miss my wife and I don't have much of a life. If I get out and do stuff I leave my kids. I don't really want to leave my kids. I agree though I cannot really do alone things. I have not been good at that. I like the idea of being alone by not lonely. Thank you for your response it was helpful. I was doing this much better when she was out of the house. Now that she is back I keep falling back into the old way of doing things.
My issue is that she is living here but in the other room. We don't have a relationship but she gets some of the benefits of being married. We all have dinner together. We go shopping together. We hang out at night and laugh and talk.
If you're doing that stuff together then you DO have a relationship with her, but it's not the one you want.
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She says that there is no change in her feeling that we will try again, but she won't file or do anything to separate.
Yes, I guess that this is true also. Maybe I should be glad that she is here and just let it ride for awhile. I need to just keep working on myself and let her go through her journey as well.
Find yourself. Get out. GAL. Let her figure her stuff out while you explore your independence. You can do this while living under the same roof with her.