I responded that way because she was demanding that I leave the room so she could sleep in our living room.
She didn't ask, just walks into the room and starts demanding? Wow!
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Here is where I get very mixed messages on this forum. Setting boundaries vs treating my W as a guest are very different things
Well, you cannot treat a wayward W like a guest! You might be able to treat her like someone who is a boarder. There is a gigantic difference in guest & boarder.
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In hindsight, I could set the boundary of me not letting her kick me out of my own living room without suggesting anything to her?
That's fine not to let her kick you out of your own living room, but don't call it a boundary. A boundary is not suggesting something!
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Its in my nature to try to fix problems. I sometimes forget that she does not want me to help her. Dont worry, though, she yelled at me quite a bit tonight over that suggestion.
Look, you clearly don't understand how boundaries work. Why would you draw a line about her demanding you get out of the living room....only to listen at her yelling at you? IMHO, the yelling was as bad of an offense as kicking you out of the living room.
So, what did you finally do? Let me guess, you left the living room after she yelled enough.
P.S. It does not matter if is your nature to fix problems, stop trying to fix her problems.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She didn't ask, just walks into the room and starts demanding? Wow! .....
Look, you clearly don't understand how boundaries work. Why would you draw a line about her demanding you get out of the living room....only to listen at her yelling at you? IMHO, the yelling was as bad of an offense as kicking you out of the living room.
So, what did you finally do? Let me guess, you left the living room after she yelled enough.
First, let me say thank you, sandi2 for chiming in. I really do value your advice.
To clarify, yes, my wife literally came in the room and said, "I need you to go to the bedroom so I can get some sleep." This is where I firmly told her I was relaxing in the living room. She started on her usual I am not getting any sleep and only a horrible person would keep me from getting sleep routine. On a previous occasion, I refused and offered that she can sleep in our bedroom anytime she wants. This time, I suggested that she try to get on a more balanced sleep schedule so she doesnt need to go to bed at 9 pm because she stayed up until 2 am the night before.
The yelling was the next night. My W was monopolizing the kids time all day by interrupting activities the kids and I were doing together after she kept telling me she had work to do. That afternoon, I planned on stepping out to exercise, and my W was going to run some errands with the kids. She ended up coming back with the kids 2 hours later than we had planned. This cut my evening plans with the kids down from 2.5 hours to just 0.5 hours, and the kids still had to get ready for bed in that time.
I told her that I value the time the kids and I have on the weekends since we do not have as much time to do things together during the week. (W works at the kids school and sees them from 3 pm on, whereas I usually get home at 6 pm from work). I requested that my W have the kids available when we plan. My W started carrying on about how she was out doing chores with the kids that needed to be done, that she is a working mom going to grad school, that all her friends are amazed that she is pulling all of this off and keeping up with everything, etc.
I told my W it is great that she is doing all of those things, but she still needs to consider my time with the kids as important. She carried on the rest of the evening, randomly telling me things that she hates about me. She even came in the bedroom after I went to bed to chew me out more about how I need to stop judging her, giving her advice (reference to the balanced sleep thing), and not interact with her. I told her she is free to leave me anytime she wants and that I will not stop her. Her response to that was "I am not going anywhere. Youre lucky I love the kids more than I hate you." ...and something along the lines that the only reason she wont leave me is because she does not want to only see the kids half the time.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Her response to that was "I am not going anywhere. Youre lucky I love the kids more than I hate you."
Tate, Is this how you want want to live the rest of your life?
I think this situation is very convinient for your wife and am not sure if it is good for you. I feel you living in same hse with such hostility destroys you in the long term. I feel you think if you stick around and endure she will change but you staying may make her get worse. Clearly this arrangement is not working for you, it drains you more and doesnt even give W incentive to change.
M 11 Dated for 4 years before then Me 35 H 39 D 10 BD Feb 2016 A 2015 Dec I was never in a R with the OM. Had a one night stand & I stopped contact immediately I confessed the A to H and we went for MC
Okay, here is the issue, Tate. You are living with a woman who has lost respect for you as a man.....and certainly as her H. Nothing is going to improve in your MR until you command respect under your own roof. You have three children watching this daily fiasco where mom beats up dad. What do you think that is teaching them about men? I know your kids mean the world to you, and how you cling to maintain their family life. However, if this outward show of disrespect is continued from your W, it will affect them and how they view the man's role in the marriage\home.
Her lack of respect for you is the underlying issue in your marriage problems. My suggestion is to choose your battles wisely, and then stand by your decision . Make sure they are based on solid reasons, and not on fleeting emotions.
You must present yourself as a strong man. She is not going to make it easy, and although you may not feel very brave inside...you can act as if you are determined.
I will use your previous situation about your W demanding that you leave the living room. IMHO, you could have presented a picture of a stronger man. You made yourself appear weaker by (1) explaining and perhaps arguing with her the reasons why you wanted to stay in the living room; (2) You gave her advice as to what she needed to do about her lack of sleep; (3) You endured her yelling at you.
If you decide to do something similar again, (1) don't act like a pi$$y woman. Don't "explain" why you are staying in the living room. (2) Don't tell her how to fix her problem. (3) Don't wander in and out of the room doing chores if you claim you want to relax in the living room. (4) Don't tolerate her yelling at you, b\c you lose all ground you gained when she gets away with screaming at you.
The real issue was not about you wanting to relax in the living room. It was about her outward show of disrespect when she demanded you leave the room. How did it end? If your kids had been observing, what life lesson (if any) would they have taken away from this scene with their parents?
I commend you for making an attempt. Everyone has to learn. If you did not have a manly role model as a child growing up, then you have much to learn. I suspect you have the nice guy syndrome. You are very passive, and standing up to your W like a confident male feels uncomfortable. Therefore, you may make mistakes as you learn and become more confident.
I hope you won't see this post as me shredding your efforts. I used it as an illustration, and hopefully, you can understand the points I attempted to make. You have a big challenge ahead, and I don't know if this M will be saved.....but you can save yourself and have a positive influence on the lives of your children.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Tate, Is this how you want want to live the rest of your life?
No, not at all. I am sticking with the situation, hoping I can turn things around. I want to be able to say that I exhausted all reasonable options and really tried before I throw in the towel.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Maybe I do not understand going dark, but I do know that the one time I traveled out if the country with our current situation, my W kissed me as I was heading out the door to the airport. That was our last kiss. It seemed that she was going to miss me. big assumptions here...
I do agree I need to be going out and GAL in the evenings. I have two nights I must be home for the kids, then two other nights I exercise and work on my own projects.
um, these^^^ are 2 nights in which you can and must make GAL your main project, along with the other nights below
- see, GAL is more important than you seem to get. You cannot detach without GAL
and without detaching, you will get sucked into the arguments you so want to avoid,
and that just sets you back. This situation will make you nuts, and GAL to detach and to improve your mood and your air of mystery and what you present to your kids,
is essential. I cannot stress this^^ enough.
That leaves three nights to GAL. It is hard to get myself to go out on those nights...I usually spend them with the kids also. So, you all are recommending that I go out anyway on some of those nights?
yes, emphatically.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You must present yourself as a strong man. She is not going to make it easy, and although you may not feel very brave inside...you can act as if you are determined.
... It was about her outward show of disrespect when she demanded you leave the room. How did it end? If your kids had been observing, what life lesson (if any) would they have taken away from this scene with their parents?
Thanks for your perspective once again.
I have absolutely no problem standing up to my wife. The continual problem is that I stand up to her, then she becomes very nasty and bitter and begins her typical rant about how much she hates me, that I am a negative person (ironically, I am known as the most upbeat person among my coworkers and friends), etc. She absolutely disrespects me in front of the kids at least once per week. She is stubborn, so absolutely stubborn, and rant on in front of the kids. I tell her she needs to stop, and she eventually will, only to become bitter again at some point in the evening after the kids go to bed.
So, the short of it is that anytime I stand up to my W, I can expect her to try to argue the rest of the day.
A couple months ago, my W got very bad about interrupting my conversations with the kids to give her opinion, rudely tell the kids that what I said was not correct or was my opinion and not a common opinion, etc. I called her out on it and requested that she stop interrupting our conversations. At one point, she was doing this so much that I told her if we divorce, she will have no say at all in what the kids and I talk about. She has done this less often.
On a similar note, after her late return with the kids, I told her that if this continues to be a problem, we will start alternating weekends with the kids. Although my W was mad with me that evening, part of her yelling at me after I went to bed turned into her trying to defend why she was 2 hours late coming home with the kids.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Tate, Is this how you want want to live the rest of your life?
No, not at all. I am sticking with the situation, hoping I can turn things around. I want to be able to say that I exhausted all reasonable options and really tried before I throw in the towel.
I commend you for the efforts and the goal. I really do.
But DBing is first and foremost, about doing what works.
(Not to nag, but have you actually read the DB book?)
Anyhow, what you are doing is NOT working. You gotta Do something different.
Last but not least,
I don't say this often, but in this circumstance, I'm very concerned your kids are not better off in this "intact" family. The dynamic is abusive. Seriously.
If a man said to his wife, what your w says to you
"get out of the living room/I hate you/I love the kids more than I hate you-you're lucky"
there'd be no hesitation saying it's verbal/emotional abuse. And in front of the kids?
Bad news. You have to change how you interact, asap.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
