Awkward Situation Got Much Worse (part 3)

[Lovelyp]

I think you interpret the kiss wrongly. Like Leah says, its most likely that she is happy to have you leave and she has her freedom. I think you must not be reading too much your wife s actions. All this is confusing to you. I feel you are obsessed so much abt your wife who is obviously not feeling the same. Take the focus aay from her and concentrate all actions on doing things for you and the kids.

[sandi2]

You are so emotionally enmeshed with your W and kids that it is difficult for you to go out and do something without them. Not many will argue that you shouldn't devote every second with your kids.......except me....I will. You first have to save yourself before you can save your family. You are using the kids as your excuse to stay home. Better to GAL and leave them home a few nights with their mom now......in hopes it will be temporary, rather than a permanent arrangement.

Taking long trips are not required to cause your W to miss you. It can have the same results if you leave her and go out by yourself at night GAL. And BTW, don't give her details of your GAL of what, where, who, etc. Keep it a bit mysterious. It can work to your advantage in saving your M. It won't happen right away, so you have to stick with it.

Remember, the real point of GAL is for your own sake. Do you have any male buddies that are not related to your W? If not, you need to meet and make more friends. At least, have one pal.

What do you like to do to have fun? Not projects......just fun that is not attached to your family? How long has it been since you did something to blow off steam and forget about your problems? You need to get away for a few hours and have a good time. Why? B\c of the results it will have on you.

[AnotherStander]

To respond to the questions about me not kicking her out of the house...I can ask her to leave, and her answer is "no". Then what? I cannot physically remove her...

Opening the cage door isn't about asking her to leave. If she felt controlled and manipulated in the M then you need to do a 180 on that, and a 180 is letting her make her own decisions. In my case after getting a lot of advice here and from reading DR and also Love Must Be Tough about how to approach this, I told my W "I want you to stay here and work on the M, but I understand that is not what you want and I will not try to stop you if you decide to leave. I will support you in your decision whatever that may be." And she did decide to leave, and I did support her. If she had stayed I would have supported that too. The only option I did not present her with was ME leaving. She did approach me later and ask why SHE had to be the one to leave, and I told her I was not the one that wanted to end the M and I was not going to be the one inconvenienced by that decision.

The going dark thing is a reference to where members here simply leave their spouse unannounced for days or weeks. This shows the spouse that they are done with the marriage and gives the spouse a chance to miss them.

Yes and no. Going dark is really just stopping all pursuit. It isn't so much disappearing off the face of the earth as it is just not texting/ calling/ stopping by. You can't go completely dark when kids are involved because there has to be some coordination, so in that case we call it "going dim". You still stop all pursuit but you do maintain just enough contact to work out kids stuff. And if you're under the same roof even "going dim" is difficult because you see each other all the time. It's really tough for a WAS to learn to miss the LBS when they're living together. It's not impossible though. Read TXHubby's threads, he eventually got fed up and went close to dark while still sharing a house with his W and that did result in her having an awakening.

[25yearsmlc]

To answer some questions...yes, I stated I feel like thriwing in the towel. I have had this thought pattern before my W said she wanted a D the first time a year and a half ago. I would try and try to be the perfect husband with no effort from her, so I would ponder whether I try harder or more or give up and move on. Fast forward to now, and I have an internal struggle of trying to save our M or kicking my W to the curb and moving on. I know now that her prior lack of effort was because she was having an affair.

AND b/c she saw she would not lose you by having an affair.

I'm not here to pile on, b/c I know you are already deeply wounded.

Just hoping you learn what you can from the mistake made, last time. So that there is no more next time.

BTW

in 2006 when my h's first MLC or "EPISODE" or whatever this Alaskan obsession is caled,

i wrote that "if this ever happens again, I'll walk away and not look back."

B/C FOR ME overlooking so much selfishness and prolonged deceit was a one time deal, and I could not endure that again. Not b/c I wanted to punish him, but b/c I simply knew deep down that I could not do it again.

Not if I wanted to maintain some semblance of self respect and self awareness. DBing was Hard enough to do the first time.

How on earth does one overlook the exact same betrayal, and not feel like an enabler?

And What was I modeling for my kids by staying?

Looking back now, H did not learn whatever lesson he should have learned, from the wreckage he created back then. For whatever reason, h made no significant lasting changes.

I mean, obviously my h did not learn a lesson b/c he repeated the same mistake(s)~!!


Any of this^^ resonate?

[Tate]

Wow, thanks for the insights.

I read up on going dark and setting and enforcing boundaries.

I do GAL and always have through group sports...I race bicycles and do group training rides 3 days a week. Two of these are on weeknights. After the rides, I work on my car or projects outside until I come in for bed. The other is Saturday morning. I am out until 11 am or so. I stopped racing after my W declared she wanted a divorce so I could spend more time with our kids.

[Tate]

Not that it matters much, but the goodbye kiss showed me a spark of love from my W. You see, the night before the trip, my W kept lingering around me as if she wanted to say something. She did not, and I went to bed.

The next morning, I got up late for my flight...first time this has happened. I was rushing around, and my W woke up. The past 10 trips like this, she would just stay in bed. This time, she got up and lingered around me, asking if I had everything, or if she could help me. As I was rushing out the door, she called my name to stop me. Then she came over, hesitated a bit, and gave me the most gentle kiss I can remember.

I may be misreading a lot of what she does, but I read this clear as day. My W was going to miss me.

[Tate]

Usual Friday night drama...W got less than 5 hours of sleep most nights this week. She felt sick from lack of sleep and wanted to kick me out of the living room at 9 pm so she could sleep on the couch.

I told her I was going to relax in the living room before going to bed. I also recommended she try to get on a more consistent sleep schedule. Her response was that she did not need to...

I stayed up for another hour or so relaxing and finishing up some chores. Relationship aside, my W is really aging herself horribly...I do not think her grad school is necessary or a good idea.

[Rose888]

Why did you respond like that?

Is your wife's lack of sleep the result of staying out partying during the week, or is it the result of school and work?

If she had been your child in college or a friend who is crashing with you for a week or two, would you have responded that way?

And is giving her advice instead of validating a common communication pattern for you?

[Tate]

I responded that way because she was demanding that I leave the room so she could sleep in our living room.

Here is where I get very mixed messages on this forum. Setting boundaries vs treating my W as a guest are very different things in this case. Treating her as a guest is what the DB coaches would recommend (and have). In hindsight, I could set the boundary of me not letting her kick me out of my own living room without suggesting anything to her?

Its in my nature to try to fix problems. I sometimes forget that she does not want me to help her. Dont worry, though, she yelled at me quite a bit tonight over that suggestion.

[Rose888]

Boundaries can be a very good thing, but you have to choose them carefully. I'm not sure this is a good one.

Where do you think your wife should sleep (assuming she doesn't feel comfortable enough to share a bed with you)?

Have you read about sleep deprivation? Among other things, it makes people overreact to things and have mood swings. I would think it is in your best interest to promote her getting sleep.

I didn't hear how she worded her initial request. If she was rude, I can understand having a less-than-optimal knee-jerk response. But tone aside, what she is asking for seems reasonable if she doesn't have a comfortable bed available to her that isn't shared with you.