Hi Liam, i hope you don't mind me posting on your thread. I've been on here about 4 years and been through some of your pain. I'm out the other side and just wanted to give some encouragement. I was 25 years with my exw so i have some idea of your experiance.
I've read through your posts and you are doing well with the c@ap you are having to face. The advice you have got on heae is invaluable and you seem to grasp that your W is not who she was and you need to keep contact to an absolute minimum for the time being.
As others have said , your children need to see a dad that puts them first and be their rock. Also this is a time for you to become the best you possible.
It will feel like this pain wont end but it will. Whatever the outcome you will be happy again. Easy for me to post but it's true. I didnt believe people when i was told this but i can honestly say im happy now.
What worked for me was letting go of any expectations and moving forward. I was lucky enough to get my 4 kids to live with me 24/7 and i dont entertain any comms from my W unless it relates to the kids. Also regarding the inlaws , i keep in touch but never mention EXW and they know not to mention her to me.
You have complete control of you and you alone, make good choices based on facts and not feelings. Stay calm with any dealings with W and be prepared to walk away if it gets heated. Always take the high road and act from the best you even if that doesn't feel 'good' because you want to be able to look back on this time without regret on how you acted.
Again , i hope it was ok to add my pennies worth.
Take care , Rd
Thanks Rd!
Don’t mind at all, all advice really helps me, thank you for sparing the time.
It’s interesting, as I was tucking the kids in last night my son mentioned what was going on and we ended up chatting for quite a while. From what the kids said it would seem that my STBXW is very unhappy. Apparently she cries every day and whenever the A or the situation is mentioned, she says she’s lost everything and has no friends anymore and no one to talk to. People who used to talk to he ignore her. I’m not really sure what she expected, as a childminder she was a big part of the local community and well respected as a good person entrusted with peoples children.
I guess as the BS we sit here thinking their lives are now all sunshine and rainbows, but In reality their lives are pretty crap living with what they’ve done.
I feel a bit the same about my W although she insists she is happy the fact is that 80% of our friends have abandoned her. She is missing out on birthdays, picnics, bbqs and baby showers because almost everybody has a lot of sympathy for my side.
The fog is so thick in these situations that the W doesn't see the consequences of her actions just that "everybody is out to get her". It's part of the realisation what they have actually done when committing an A.
Truthbuster.
Married 4.5, Together 6 M: 36, W: 33, no kids Separation date: 7/8/2017 Bomb dropped: 8/18/2017 Last communication: 1/8/2018 - now nothing OM confirmed - now ended (?)
I feel a bit the same about my W although she insists she is happy the fact is that 80% of our friends have abandoned her. She is missing out on birthdays, picnics, bbqs and baby showers because almost everybody has a lot of sympathy for my side.
The fog is so thick in these situations that the W doesn't see the consequences of her actions just that "everybody is out to get her". It's part of the realisation what they have actually done when committing an A.
I think she likely feels she can’t talk to the AP about stuff that’s bothering her regarding guilt and it being wrong what they’ve done. When I was listening in with the bug I planted she would mention me and he would say well you’re with me now. My daughter told me he’s also removed everything in the house that reminds her of me and put it in a box, ornaments we’ve had since we were 17 even.
I read somewhere that the AP sees the BS as a huge threat due to the history they’ve shared with the WW. My kids like to reminisce about things we’ve done together in the past, not just since all this happened, they’ve always done it. I guess if they do this around my W and the AP then it only reinforces that there were a lot of good times in our marriage too and may undo some of the rewriting of history.
Also my W has always enjoyed being viewed as a kind and caring person, I guess the new her just doesn’t jibe with this anymore. I imagine that’s difficult for her. But she brought it on herself and will have to live with it.
Well things are going from bad to worse. Child Services now seem to be on her side completely, the social worker stated that I have been sharing too much with the children and is thinking about supervised access for me and then stated I am being vindictive in taking my House back, I explained that this is non of her business and said I’m making a complaint against her as she is clearly biased. I lost it a bit with her and sent her a very blunt text to that effect. I’ve spoken to families need fathers and they have said that it sounds like I’m right so I should pursue it. The SS worker even asked my wife if she wanted to reduce my contact and she said no she doesn’t want that and it’s not needed. The kids have been with me all this time and we’ve only just started 50/50. The SS worker has ignored all of my concerns and seems to just focus on me, yet I’ve done nothing wrong!
I’ve requested she come and see me and answer all my questions regarding her biased approach, and there is quite a lot to be honest!
I've been reading your story from start to finish...your strength and love for your children come shining through.
The only thing I will say in regards to dealing with the social services, be calm...stick up for yourself but be measured and calm. My sister deals with these people all the time. Theres always one that isn't nice to deal with.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, you're a great dad...that will be proven in the end.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Just when you think you’ve heard it all, there’s more. So, long day as my son jumped out of my STBXW car as it was moving and ran to my house. She didn’t even bother texting him for an hour! He’s 11! Anyhow, on from that she came to drop off my daughter and I was moving the snow off my drive. I went over to ask her for my sons school bag. Lots of tears about having no money and can’t pay bills and kids won’t listen to her etc. My respons was well that’s the consequences.
So on top of that, yesterday I found out she failed to inform me that a member of staff at my kids sport centre has been convicted of accessing indecent images of children and has been convicted and placed on the sex register for life. I was supposed to go to the parents meeting about it on Sunday but she insisted she should go (I didn’t know what the meeting was about), I agreed but asked her to let me know what’s up, she never did. I found out about it on my sons team FB group chat!!! Now she managed to find the time to call the guy in question to talk to him about it, but somehow forgot to inform me! They’re friends you see.
There’s more... so my daughter says today that they’ve been staying over at the AP’s new house with all his kids, my son is sleeping on a mattress and she’s in a bunk bed with one of his other kids! WTF!!
She sobbed in the car today. I told her that she’s taken things too fast, that the kids are suffering (I didn’t know about them staying over at that point). But, the best part of all this is that when my son arrived this morning I knew it had to be something bad like usual so I hit record on my phone. He laid it all out for me, she hit him in his face the night before, she dragged him down the stairs and threw him in the car. I said mum keeps hurting you but you lie to child services, why? He said cause I don’t want them to take me away from Mummy.
I’m finally vindicated! Child Services think I make it all up cause he denies it when they ask him. Next time they visit me, if they ever do as they seem to only visit her, I’ll pop my phone on the table and hit play! I’ll then sit back and wait for the apologies to rain down. I literally cried when I got it on tape of what she does to him. I’ve had to sit here knowing it’s happening and they don’t believe me, I warned her today to stop losing it with my son. She is responsible for his behaviour when he is with her. Here we never even have a crossed word. My kids and I have a very friendly relationship but they know the boundaries and they show me respect which I return to them. I treat them as equals with patience and love, not as an inconvenience.
