My behavior definitely comes from MNG. Saw myself all over that book. Does detaching allow me to be around other women? At this point, I want to just start living for the moment. Playing it safe in life clearly has helped get me to this point.
You admitted to your codependency in not even knowing how to make a decision without it relating your wife's actions or feelings. Take some time on your own to learn this.
If you don't know if you want the divorce to go forward or backwards why would you be dating other women? Because it feels good? Will it feel good for these women when you are from emotionally ready to be dating?
Date yourself for a while. focus on your S and yourself. You are going through a complicated emotional time. Do you really need anything else in the mix?
I am not one of those people who think you should wait a year after divorce to begin to date. You should date when you KNOW your M is over, you are in a personal healthy space, and you are ready to be a good partner to someone else. Is that where you are now? I don't think so according to your postings.
I don't thin you understand detaching. Deatching isn't "ignoring" or " not caring" your ability to detach is mutually exclusive from being around other women.
Detaching is not attaching your actions and feelings to that of someone elses.
I think you really need to handle what's in front of you before you try handing a relationship outside of your M.
I hear what your saying. At the moment I have no intent on starting a new relationship. But since my MR is currently a one sided open relationship, I wonder if having sex with someone who has the same understanding be acceptable at this point? Seems to be the opposite of my MNG mentality.
Tread, what does your moral compass tell you about what's acceptable?
Can you do it and get away with it? Probably. But how will you feel about yourself afterwards?
I've been struggling with NGS myself. It's about becoming a more confident, self-respecting, and honest version of YOURSELF. I haven't seen anything in the program about just doing everything the opposite way.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
That is what confuses me. Being an MNG would have me not even consider doing that. Therefore denying my own needs in the name if some moral code of mine. Which in turn hurts me in some way subconsciously. The moral compass is part of the MNG, which is why I am now questioning many of my life choices. I would assume that a lot of people would say screw this woman and live their own lives to the fullest until the WW decided to return.
One would assume that the LBS would be resentful if the WW did return after having their fun with God knows who. And here you're willing to move on and forgive without having a chance to do your own thing. While they had the chance to get it all out if their system.
Tread, tread, tread! Not being a MNG does not mean compromising your moral compass!
If banging some chick is something you find morally acceptable for YOU, then go ahead. Not being a MNG is more about doing what you find morally acceptable for yourself, not for what others find morally acceptable.
What you should question is how your actions are based upon everyone around you. That's not to say don't be considerate of others.
For example for me, it is not morally acceptable to use someone else for my selfish needs. Living your like to the fullest doesn't mean using other people for your wants. That would make me feel worse. Living my life to the fullest would be doing the things I desire that align with my values that don't hurt other people.
I was a Ms. Nice Girl. It wasn't because I wanted to make everyone happy for THEM. It's because I was conflict avoidant, I had no self-esteem, and I figure if I compromise myself to make others happy people won't leave me. Being a MNG is not a selfless act because your moral compass is so great.
And for the love of God, stop making your decisions on what she might be doing or the way she is living her life. You really think you would be resentful because she got to bang guys and you didn't get to bang other chicks? That's not a reason for resentment.
Do what feels RIGHT for you. And well, if your desires and your moral compass truly feel it's right to screw this woman, then do it. No one is telling you not to, it's a decision you need to make for yourself that align with your values.
Apparently I am a MNG based in the fact that I am willing to put my W ahead of my own needs. Found $100 bill a few months back. My first thought was what can W and I do with this money. It never occurred to me for a second to spend all that money on myself. That is the type of thing that makes me a MNG. I have questioned my moral compass quite a bit in recent months. And after reading the MNG book, I feel that it might be time to step away from my moral compass a bit.
Probably won't go looking to sleep around while in this MR. But if it comes to an end. I certainly won't be looking for the next Mrs. Tread. My moral compass is about taking care of others needs first and foremost. I need to seriously readjust my morals a bit to focus more on myself ahead of others.
[quote=Tread]Ginger, Apparently I am a MNG based in the fact that I am willing to put my W ahead of my own needs. actually this ^^^sounds biblical, if you read St Paul. It's also what 90% wives and parents do for their h's and children.
Please don't misunderstand the MNG book or misuse some parts of it to justify being a jerk now, all in the name of "fixing" yourself.
Found $100 bill a few months back. My first thought was what can W and I do with this money. It never occurred to me for a second to spend all that money on myself.
That is the type of thing that makes me a MNG.
OMG!!
you'd have been a selfish jerk to just think of yourself. (Who would do that??)
The MNG is being very misunderstood and I do think it's frequently twisted around this site.
Not sure why
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Apparently I am a MNG based in the fact that I am willing to put my W ahead of my own needs. Found $100 bill a few months back. My first thought was what can W and I do with this money. to me, this^^ is normal healthy married behavior.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
