Yeah you're totally right. In time I don't know how I'll feel, but for now I am taking care of myself emotionally and mentally so that I can be stronger for the kids.
I know LH mentioned something about me feeling differently in the future about my comment on not envisioning a friendship with W. I forgot about that and I wanted to pick up that thread.
I've been abandoned, betrayed, and neglected by some very very close people over the course of my life. In response to that, I developed good survival skills to keep on moving so that life wouldn't fall apart. And one of those mechanisms was that I would immediately cut that person out of my life. In most cases, that was the proper choice because of the amount of damage they could inflict upon me. In other cases, I could have worked to develop a cordial relationship over time, but I didn't.
Through IC and just exploring my behaviors from the past, I have come to understand that I will always have a problem with someone close who abandons and/or betrays me. It is just too fundamental to who I've had to become to survive in life. With the help of IC, I am trying to figure out how to develop a cordial relationship with someone who does that to me. It's not easy but it can work depending on how much damage that person has caused me. Let's get specific.
In case of W, I feel that she deeply betrayed me and broke all the bonds of trust and reliability. My natural instinct would've been to cut her out - and I probably would've gone that way if we didn't have kids. However, kids aside, I realized that I have to learn how to create some type of relationship with W for my own sake of personal growth and development. Would this relationship resemble a friendship? I can't envision that right now because I need trust, reliability, and safety as important core ingredients in that friendship - something I am unwilling to create space for and I don't expect her to do either. I know that this part of me is still coming from a place of hurt and maybe vengefulness. She can't expect or even hope that type of relationship from me after she decided to blow everything up.
So, I will be cordial, and to a great degree I already am. But, am I going to create space for a friendship - I don't see myself doing that ever.
The breach of trust is just too much for me to overcome. Which is partially why I don't think that if she ever comes for recon, that I might be able to do it. I am not trying to dissuade anyone or saying that I've given up hope. I am just getting to a place where I know myself a lot better and am understanding which bridges I would be willing to repair and which ones I can't come back from.
Just as I write this, I sense that I still have some anger inside me. But, I can only be honest about who I am and what I can take.
One of my best friends parents got divorced when he was 12 years old. His parents hated each other. They would get into arguments in the stands at his baseball games and always used his brother and him to get back at one another. Really messed him up and he is still not completely recovered from it.
His father remarried his mother never did. His father second W passed about 5 years ago. About two years ago after both his parents visited his house at the same time they reconnected with one another.
35 years later they now currently spend time almost everyday together playing cards, games and reminiscing about the old days.
Moral of the story is just because you feel this way today doesn't mean you will tomorrow, a year from now, heck 35 years from now.
So, found a great tutorial online for a room divider that includes branches and xmas lights.
That just gave me a flashback, I'm an architect and many years ago I was involved in a Neiman Marcus renovation. Stanley Marcus likes to go shopping around the world, and he brought back these crazy tribal masks from Africa for the store we were working on. They were hung over a beautiful, vintage hardwood floor installed on sleepers over a slab. They were hung there probably 5 years before our renovation. The floor was supposed to remain in place, but some of the boards were loose so they had to be refastened. Except the nails wouldn't bite. They pulled some of the boards up and the wood sleepers underneath looked like sponge. Turns out Stanley had brought back some kind of evil Amazonian termites in those masks, LOL! They completely destroyed the wood floor. So yeah, check those branches before you bring them inside
Originally Posted By: Maika
In case of W, I feel that she deeply betrayed me and broke all the bonds of trust and reliability. My natural instinct would've been to cut her out - and I probably would've gone that way if we didn't have kids. However, kids aside, I realized that I have to learn how to create some type of relationship with W for my own sake of personal growth and development. Would this relationship resemble a friendship? I can't envision that right now because I need trust, reliability, and safety as important core ingredients in that friendship - something I am unwilling to create space for and I don't expect her to do either.
I'm a little farther along in my timeline so I can relate to your thoughts on this as I went through the same thing. I would not call the relationship between XW and me a friendship. We are coparents, we are friendly and cordial towards one another, but she is about the last person I would confide in like I would a friend. You'll get to the point of "acceptance" which is the final stage of grief. You'll accept your sitch as it is, and you'll learn to be at peace with it, and you will move on. That doesn't necessarily mean you'll be friends with your W, but when you get to that point you'll realize you don't need to be friends with her to be friendly with her (if that makes sense). It's like that "friendly neighbor" analogy you hear mentioned here now and then.
Haha! thanks for the tip AS. I will definitely make sure I don't bring in any bugs that might do some damage to the house. I am renting now so it's even more important.
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I'm a little farther along in my timeline so I can relate to your thoughts on this as I went through the same thing. I would not call the relationship between XW and me a friendship. We are coparents, we are friendly and cordial towards one another, but she is about the last person I would confide in like I would a friend. You'll get to the point of "acceptance" which is the final stage of grief. You'll accept your sitch as it is, and you'll learn to be at peace with it, and you will move on. That doesn't necessarily mean you'll be friends with your W, but when you get to that point you'll realize you don't need to be friends with her to be friendly with her (if that makes sense). It's like that "friendly neighbor" analogy you hear mentioned here now and then
You nailed it! That's exactly what I am talking about. That's what I envision my contact with her will look like. Again, but I don't know what it will be 30 years from now, so LH has a point. However, what she has done for now, I can't condone and she's lied and done a buncha stuff that is just not cool with me. But, she is hardly the person I knew and married.
On a different note, as part of my goals is to get my health back on track. I do track health data to see how I am doing. I was doing it on and off, but since this week, I am doing it regularly so that I can monitor my situation. For the first time in years, my blood pressure is back in the normal range. I was shocked to see it. I measured it three times to make sure the machine was working right. It was so freakin' amazing to see. So, my four pronged approach is working and I am doing to keep at it:
1. Take my meds every day consistently 2. Eat right 3. Physical exercise (working out and climbing) 4. Meditation
I am doing all of those except working out because I still need to set up my home gym, which is happening this weekend or next week. But I have been climbing 2 times a week regularly and my skill level has dramatically increased in the last month.
So, I am super pumped about my health getting back on track. Lost a few pounds which was nice too
Nothing new to report. Things are pretty status quo with W. I am NC/Dark with communications only around kids stuff. I am pretty good with it and my mental sanity has improved.
Just wanted to share an excerpt of a poem that I rediscovered through this process and has added so much meaning to me. I am translating it into English as best as I can.
Make yourself so strong and resilient That before every decree of fate God will ascertain from you "What is it that you desire?"
It is really beautiful in the original language and I've tried to keep that beauty in the translation as much as possible. This verse keeps me going every day and I have gained a new appreciation for it considering where I am in my life right now.
The new place is coming along. Got the workout equipment being delivered this weekend and I am on the hunt for some furniture for my room. Getting some artwork and then the lights as well. I need to put some furniture around so that I can figure out where I will put up the xmas lights in the bedroom.
My V appointment is coming up soon and I am looking forward to getting that done. Also, working on some tattoo designs and I've put them on hold for a long time. Now going to get some ink done by the end of the year too Lotsa good and fun stuff happening
Sounds Awesome! I would like to do some things around my house as well. I need a new bed for the spare bedroom to replace the 1 my took when she moved out however I currently don't have the funds. I just cancelled my home phone and cable to reduce some costs and I bought 1 of those fire sticks. Need to look for some other cost cutting options as well.
Good luck on the V appointment. Not sure what that is but hopefully it goes well. I have 1 tattoo on my back got it when I was in college on Spring Break. I made sure I put it in a place where it would never be seen at work.
What type of designs are you working on? Is this something that your really interested in? Are you still rock climbing?
Yeah cost cutting measures are good at this point. What's a fire stick?
The vasectomy (V) appointment Been thinking about it for a couplea yrs now and just getting it done. I know I don't want any more kids and who knows that the future holds in terms of an R, but the last thing I want to worry about is having another kid.
The tattoos I am working on are calligraphy designs. I am not an artist in that sense that I can paint awesome stuff, but I am quite good at calligraphy and lettering. So, I am doing that for my kids names in my language and then will pair that up with some artwork from a tattoo artist. I know what I want but I can't draw worth $hit lol.
My work is pretty flexible, but I can cover up the tattoos that I have if I need to with a full sleeve shirt.
I am still climbing for sure. It is going to be for life. It has become such a meaningful activity for me, beyond what I thought it would be. I went in wanting to be physically active and do something that I've always wanted. But as I have gotten much better and started paying attention to technique, I have realized how amazing it is for all my DB goals.
When you're climbing, it's just you and the wall. My focus is 100% on that wall and also I am hyper aware of my body and how I am using it. Also, I am solving a problem that is mental and physical. I completely concentrate on the route, take it slowly, and make very deliberate choices. I take calculated risks and exercise great control over my footholds and handholds. It has been phenomenal for mindfulness - it's like zen for me while I am exerting my physicality.
So, climbing is the perfect activity and metaphor for what I am trying to do with my life. And it is helping me with that - physically I am way stronger and I've lost weight; mentally I am much more mindful and self aware and controlled in my actions and reactions.
I am a climber for life now. I am going to keep working on my physical and mental abilities till next summer and then take it outdoors. I really wish I had done this few years back, but never too late. Another awesome thing - I take my kids with me every other week and they are fanatics about it too. So, I get to share this new experience with them and maybe it will be something that they pursue as they get older. But it will always be something special between me and the kids.
Been thinking about it for a couplea yrs now and just getting it done. I know I don't want any more kids and who knows that the future holds in terms of an R, but the last thing I want to worry about is having another kid.