Let's say your wife put aside her feelings and decided to recon for the sake of the kids. Would you be ok with it? You be living as an intact family but your relationship with your W would be like roommates.
I lived that for 2.5 years and believe me when I tell you it sucked.
Is it possible that if the two of you are amicable and you take everything you learned and continue to grow everyday that you can't have an awesome life having your kids 50% of the time?
Or down the road your W realizes you were not the source of her unhappiness and is willing to do the hard work to make things right between the two of you.
Hey LH. Thanks for the counter perspective. That's what I love about this board.
What I would have wanted is the following:
1. Stay in the house and keep the family intact. 2. W not put aside her feelings, but we work through things with MC and IC and give it time. 3. If after a period of 6-12 months, things don't change, then make a decision on what to do next.
I know that in the above scenario, there would be the roommates situation for a period of time. But I would've accepted that so that the kids lives weren't jeopardized. Of course that can't go on indefinitely.
I guess my main thing is that there were other options than just straight separation that could've been explored. The S happened so fast.
I don't think we'll not have an amicable relationship when it comes to the kids, but I don't envision a friendship or any sort of relationship where I need trust and reliability.
I know that I wasn't the source of her unhappiness. We were very co-dependent. She has many unresolved issues that she never dealt with and not sure if she's working on it now. It was easy to project her unhappiness on me. Not saying I was a model husband - I know where I failed and not all of it had to do with her. I am working on those things for myself and the stuff that didn't work for me in the MR is something she has to change and put in the work if she wants recon.
I guess as I type all of this out, none of the options seem the best. I just keep coming back to what's best for the kids and I feel that this reality right now is not. I am weighing my unhappiness for their stability and if I had to endure that for a while so that life was better for them, I would've done it.
I dunno. I feel like the kids are getting $crewed in this situation and if there was a better option that would've taken their life and happiness and the first priority. The S was about W and her wants and she put everyone else on the chopping block. That selfishness is something I am not cool with.
But I take your points well and you're speaking from experience. I guess there's just no perfect scenario.
**** It's fast from BD to S/D but my counselor says that she has been most likely contemplated this for 3-5 years.
I don't think we'll not have an amicable relationship when it comes to the kids, but I don't envision a friendship or any sort of relationship where I need trust and reliability.
**** You may feel different about this in the future.
I guess as I type all of this out, none of the options seem the best. I just keep coming back to what's best for the kids and I feel that this reality right now is not. I am weighing my unhappiness for their stability and if I had to endure that for a while so that life was better for them, I would've done it.
********** Just because you are willing to sacrifice your unhappiness for your kids doesn't mean she should.
I dunno. I feel like the kids are getting $crewed in this situation and if there was a better option that would've taken their life and happiness and the first priority. The S was about W and her wants and she put everyone else on the chopping block.
******* I'll bet you her version is that she sacrificed her wants and needs for you and the kids for x amount of years and now is her turn to live her life the on her terms.
I am not saying that she is right, I am just saying that you have to let her go. Your kids and your life is not over! There are many chapters that remain to be written.
You're absolutely right LH. I am not hanging on to her. I am working on detachment and I believe I have come to a place honestly where I can say that I have dropped the rope.
The only thing that I am emotionally dealing with is how this is affecting my kids. I am doing everything in my power to write this chapter with them that is absolutely phenomenal. I am not trying to compete with W at who is the better parent. I know what my strengths are and I know what I can bring to the kids lives and support them in everything they do.
I have no rebuttals to what you said. I have to say that I am way more calm and chill internally for myself and I am happier right now. Everything that I can have control over, I am making sure that it is going well. I am making most of the time I have and getting to my goals. I am more settled in my new place outside of a few things here and there.
Thanks for the support LH. I am working every day to be a better dad to my kids and it has been paying good dividends. My kids are far more affectionate with me and I know part of it has to do with them having to live in separate places and the reduced contact. But I am trying to make the best of it with them and hopefully they can adjust over the next few months.
J - haha! yes, it's on my agenda. I was so bogged down with work that I had no time to do anything for the last two weeks. Now things have settled back into normal routine and so my plan is to go and get that done this week. I am also going to the fitness store and getting workout gear on the weekend.
My kids are far more affectionate with me and I know part of it has to do with them having to live in separate places and the reduced contact
I have noticed that as well. I think some of it has to do with the other parent not being there so they are forced to go to us with everything. That's why it is so important that we are available emotionally for them so they can feel secure and get their needs met. I also think when they see us being happy, engaged, etc. it helps them get through the situation because they don't see us being sad or angry. They draw strength from us.
Quote:
I was so bogged down with work that I had no time to do anything for the last two weeks
OK....I will cut you some slack . Make sure they are the white lights.
Perfect time of the year to buy lights - the selection is unbelievable. White lights yes, but I may buy some color ones to mix things up.
Looking for a room divider but nothing interesting. Anything interesting is far too expensive. So, I am going to build one
I am trying to get into more DIY stuff and I am not a beginner when it comes to using basic tools and drills. So, found a great tutorial online for a room divider that includes branches and xmas lights. Trip to Home Depot added to my list of things to do this weekend.
Communications with W have been good as we are wrapping up stuff for the old house - bills etc. She asked if I wanted to join in on Halloween this evening. I wavered for a bit, but then declined. I really don't want to be doing family type stuff - only time I will break it this year is for the kids bdays which are coming up. I think that this year it will be more important to be there together and then I will see for next year how I feel.
She had suggested family dinners few months ago, but nothing has come out of it. Her trouble has always been following through with things and this is probably one of it. I am not going to suggest it as I am fine without them.
Keeping NC/going dark outside of kids stuff is my comfort zone right now and it's going well for me. I have no idea what her life is like and I don't ask, and I really don't care to know.
Only engage in what activities your comfortable with. Over time maybe you will be in a better spot to do things together but right now is probably too soon. Take this time to heal emotionally and mentally. You will know when the time is right.
I agree NC/dark outside of kid or financial matters and don't look for opportunities to engage. I always try to be happy and upbeat, like nothing is wrong but I keep the conversations short, try not to engage in too much dialogue and I don't linger. I never ask her questions about what she does, where she goes, etc. I also try not to ask any who, what, when, who, why, where type of questions.
. Make sure they are the white lights.