My Journey with WAS (Part 5)

[Maika]

Thanks for the encouragement Joe and J-bruh! You guys have given me solid things to think about and to see that other people have struggled with this, makes me feel less alone in this world. I am doing way better already and I feel dope.

So, interesting update.

Went to one of my kids activities this afternoon. W has the kids for the rest of the week. Some chit chat with W, which was positive and chill and I was actually feeling pretty good and not on edge. W goes over to talk to another parent.

And I am chatting my with S who then informs me that they're going to dinner to mom's friend's place and it's a BBQ and they might do s'mores and stuff.

This is the 'friend' that is also separated from his W. He works at the same office as W. W had admitted going out on a coffee date with him a few weeks after BD. W also helped me one time to go 'suit' shopping - she used to work in this suit store in her uni years and so knows all about suits: that's what she told me.

So, W was not next to me when my S told me this. I just played it cool in front of him. I don't want him to get any negative vibes from me. But, I got kinda pissed in my head. But, I started thinking about how I need to focus on myself and this is a good moment to start putting detachment into practice. I know it's not a flip switch, but I need to make the most of such ridiculous moments. So, I was internally angry, but outwardly cool. I just took a few deep breaths and let myself calm down internally and come back to a place of zen.

After the event is over and we're walking outside, my S asks W in front of me if they're going straight to this 'friend's house from here. I didn't bat an eye and just stood cool.

She put the kids in the car and came out and said: "I am not dating him. I am not interested in him. EVER. Just wanted you to know that."

I got caught by surprise a bit and so my response was a bit flustered. I can't remember everything I said, but I definitely said - I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. Thanks for letting me know.

And the kids were basically clamouring to have me give them hugs and kisses before they left. So, I just walked over to the car and gave them tons of kisses and hugs and made them laugh and what not. And then said bye to the kids. And then W's door was still open, and I said - Have a good evening. And just walked off to my car and didn't look back.

Also, I was looking awesome today. Just finished climbing and so my arms and shoulders were all jacked up. I was dressed super nice and smelled good too.

I know I was flustered, and I am not sure if my responses were great. I just didn't want to go into a long conversation.

What I wanted to also say was that - I don't care what you do W, but you don't get to decide when kids meet whoever you're dating without having a discussion with me'. I have said that previously so I didn't feel like I needed to say it again, but I feel like I should've said it.

I just hate being caught off-guard and I was trying my darndest to think of what all y'all DBer's would advise to say. But, I just kept it short and didn't react.

I have no idea if she's telling the truth, but if she isn't, I will at least be pissed that she took the kids to meet him and his kids. He also has 2 kids around the same age as my kids.

I do feel okay right now. Just happened half hour ago. I don't know why she felt compelled to tell me what she said. I didn't ask where she was going and what was happening, nothing.

I am trying to get to a place where I actually don't care, but I don't condone it either. However, I think that goes without saying. I don't need to tell her that this is messed up if she's dating someone right now. I think that's obvious. I dunno. I don't feel like I need to say it.

Anyways, feedback always appreciated. I need to know how to handle such convos, especially when they spring out of nowhere.

[Maika]

Couldn’t resist so looked this guy up and found him on an online platform. Seeing his picture just made me laugh. He got nothing on me in the looks department. I was like - you want that, go for it. He’s no competition for me. I know it’s not just about looks but I got like 500% more swagger than this guy. It’s all good. I feel pretty detached.

[AndrewP]

Maika - I thought I'd respond to your question on your own thread. I hope you don't mind.

Bigybiz and AndrewP - looks like both of you are standing for your MR. I’m curious to know why you haven’t filed for D?

I gave up standing for my MR back in January. The reasons are all buried in my older threads but in essence I realized that she wasn't going to come back in any forseeable future.

There was no rush on my part for divorce as it is just a piece of paper to me at this point in my life and makes no difference to how I live day to day. Over the last 4 or 5 months though, the separation agreement - which again my STBX initiated was negotiated out. Part of that is that she will file for divorce within 20 days of the agreement being signed.

[Maika]

No worries AndrewP for answering here. I appreciate it.

So, are you in a place where you are thinking of dating? I feel like I won't be able to be in a place to date or even look unless the D is done. If I am sure I want the D, then I will also be in a place to date.

As you said the D is just a piece of paper and doesn't matter to your day to day life. Does that now include other romantic relationships or the possibility of it? How do you feel about that if D hasn't been finalized?

[CW2017]

Maika
Really impressed how you held it together. We can mentally prepare for all these scenarios until one catches us off guard. In my case last week I saw a tag in the trash for some exotic lingerie that I am highly unlikely to be seeing anytime soon. I just took a deep breath and actually laughed to myself. I hope my own detachment keeps up but in any case more power to you!

[Maika]

Thanks CW. I don’t want to have canned responses but I also don’t want to be flustered when something comes up. It’s a fools errand trying to understand why they do and say what they do. But talk is cheap and I only believe in action. I’m doing well and after next week I will be back on focusing my goals hardcore.

[AndrewP]

As you said the D is just a piece of paper and doesn't matter to your day to day life. Does that now include other romantic relationships or the possibility of it? How do you feel about that if D hasn't been finalized?

I think that once I am legally divorced that I will be more "marketable" .

I go through phases where I am interested in a romantic relationship and then times when I am ambivalent about it which is where I have been for the last while. A major shift for me as I've healed is that I have realized that I don't "need" to have a partner in my life. That I can be whole in and of myself.

I do know that I still have healing to do and that I will always bear the scars of what has happened to me.

[Maika]

I see what you're saying AndrewP. Well, you'll definitely be more 'marketable' for sure.

I know intellectually that I have to get a place where I don't 'need' a partner for my own happiness and that I can be whole by myself. But I sure would love to have that.

It's weird but at this point, W looks like a withered version of her previous self. It's like watching a person slowly crumble, and I do feel for her. But I know that at this point, I can't do anything to make her whole again - she has to address all the issues that she's pushing away. It's all about her at this point, and nothing to do with me.

CW - that lingerie thing is just so effin' messed up. I am glad you got a chuckle out of it, but sometimes I wonder why they couldn't have had direct conversations with us about whatever that was going on.

[CW2017]

Yep the whole thing is bizarre. The A is clearly their special private thing which they are entitled to of course (thank you Sandi, 25) in my case as she spends the whole time looking after me, D and MIL. As in a lot of sitchs I am convinced she is thinking I would never envoke the D threat again. Hmm.....

[TBSakaJ9]

I think you handled it fine M.....I mean I don't think anyone would have the perfect words to say at that time. I think the important thing is to not let her know it bothers you. It sounds like you remained calm, didn't grill her, etc. IMO it is clear that she doesn't want to hurt you and it is interesting that she felt compelled to give you an explanation. Whether it is true or not who knows, only time will tell but technically she didn't need to justify anything to you.

I remember early on my W shook me up on the inside with some stuff she said. The longer this goes on though I can tell you it gets easier. Now that you 2 are truely separated it will get easier and easier.

I would just think about how you are going to respond to these situations in the future. If she brings up D what is your response? If she brings up dating what is your response? If she brings up getting back together what is your response? Stuff like that.

For me if she wants a D, then go file if that is what you want. If you want to date or met someone, go for it, I think you should. Because I have been doing some thinking also and I have realized I don't love you either and I think it's for the best that we go our separate ways. If she wants to reconcile. Well I am not sure if that is what I want because I have realized that there are things missing from our relationship and I am not sure you can provide unless your willing to change.

Hang in there dude, at this point in time I am just trying to be a good co-parent and make sure my children are happy! I am actually enjoying being a single parent. HAving two young daughters is like cat nip!