What up M......The way I view giving up might not be actually giving up vs standing for the MR. When I think of my kids, I know they would rather have their family back together in a loving, functional relationship. If they had a vote I know what their vote would be. So for me if I have to go through some pain to make their vote be heard then I will do it.
There is 1 person in the relationship already making a selfish decision.....there doesn't need to be 2.
My 10 cents.
Yeah I see what you're saying. That's a good point. I wasn't thinking about what the kids would prefer, and definitely a worthwhile thing to do for them.
Hope you had a good weekend. I am going into a wormhole at work next week and might not be able to pop in as much, but I will try.
No worries.....there was a book I read not too long and it says the following. I hope it helps.
All you need to be is unshaken, cool-headed and compassionate. No matter what she says this situation is not all your fault. You're not a mean, horrible man or an inadequate husband. Her downward spiral must not suck you down with it. You can't help yourself or anyone else if you go down there. This is not the time to lose your $hit. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY TO STAY CLEAR-HEADED AND STRONG. THIS IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, AND YOU CAN'T ALLOW IT TO CRUSH YOUR SOUL.
Anyway, I had a good weekend. I hit the gym Friday, Sat and Sunday morning. Watched a little college football and went over to a buddies house on Saturday night. Yesterday I had to drop some candy off at church for an upcoming Fun Fest they are having then went and picked up the girls and took them to Six Flags yesterday. I got free tickets so we spent about 6 hours yesterday at the park. The emotions were mixed, it was a blast being with them but it was a little sad since the W was not around. Overall more fun than sad though!
I felt like a proud dad being there with my daughters. I definately find myself thinking about having more responsibility with them as they grow older, caring for them, being strong, etc. Maybe it's more pressure being a single parent, I always did stuff with them I guess now it feels a little different though. Not sure how to express it.
Just a couple interactions with the W over the weekend, nothing major. Obviously she was in a good mood yesterday morning when I picked up the girls since this is my week to have them
Good Morning DB land....it's been a few days so I thought I would do a little bit of journaling.
I have had a good week so far with my girls and have also managed to hit the gym 3 days since Sunday. It is my week to have them so we have just been doing the morning and evening routines, you know the drill. Breakfast, dinner, baths, homework, etc. I took them to Six Flags on Sunday for about 5 to 6 hours and they had a blast! We are going over to a friends house tonight for dinner and then I am taking them to our local High School football game on Friday night. My oldest asked me to go a couple of weeks ago but our team was out of town so this Friday they are back so I thought it would be fun. Maybe we will get some frozen yogurt after the game .
This weekend my youngest has her last soccer game on Saturday, then we will carve pumpkins on Saturday night, church on Sunday, then they go back to their mom's on Sunday night after choir practice.
I am feeling pretty detached at this point in time. I have not seen my W since Sunday morning when I picked up my girls and texted her briefly Monday am to let her know our oldest wasn't feeling well and did not go to school. Other than that there has been no contact. So really there is not a lot to report on that front.
Obviously with the Holidays coming up we will need to discuss the plans but I am sure we will work something out. Christmas morning and Eve will probably be the most difficult to coordinate. I have no problems if she wants to come over xmas eve, spend the night on the couch and be there for when the kids open presents but that is up to her. She has already stated they should be with me on Christmas because she doesn't have a chimney in her apartment for Santa to come down. I will probably offer that to her and she can make her own decision.
Still reading up on my self-help books, GALing mainly through going to the gym and hanging out with some friends here and there, getting more confident and really caring less what happens in my sitch. During this process of self-discovery I realized that I was not as happy as I could be in our Marriage as well. When I think about my future I don't think about getting married again but I think about what it would be like to be totally happy and secure in a relationship with a woman who could fulfill my every need. That brings a smile to my face
Anyway I will continue on down this path until after the holidays (assuming my W doesn't say something) and then re-evaluate my position. At that time it will be between 6 and 7 months. In Texas there is a waiting period after we file so even if I tell her I want out and am done we could be looking around 9 to 10 months before it is finalized. If I haven't seen any movement on her part in that time frame then I think I will press forward with D myself.
The part about being with a partner who fulfills your every need? Huge red flag. Massive.
Please don't get into another relationship until you ditch this view.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose......I didn't literally mean it that way so next time I will ensure I am clear. BTW I do agree, I know am responsible for my own happiness and fulfilling my own needs. I appreciate you bringing this up.
What I should have said is being in a relationship with a loving, funny, kind, caring, compassionate, intelligent, beautiful women. That brings a smile to my face.
Just a few updates. Had another IC session on Friday, kind of uneventful. We talked about my happiness and how I am a happy person and am happy without a lot of outside interests in my life. I asked her if something was wrong me and she told me no that some people chase happiness their entire lives and you have found it. I never thought about it that way but it does make sense. I am a rather simple person with simple needs and since BD I have been looking deeper to find if I was missing something in my life. My IC has helpd me understand that I have all the happiness I need.
Took my girls to their first high school football game last night and wow was it cold! We only lasted until 1/2 time but they really enjoyed the experience. They had a few of the players come to their school on Friday so they were excited to see their numbers and watch them play. We got some hot chocolate and funnel cakes so the night was complete. When we got home I turned on the fireplace and the snuggled down in front of it with their blankets and they both ended up falling asleep. Obvioulsy I put them to bed and turned it off
Today my D had her last soccer game for the season so I saw my W for the first time since Sunday. Nothing major transpired although we did discuss Thanksgiving and she told me her B and S are flying her out to CA so she said I could take them. No problem there I had not made plans yet until I spoke to her but we normally go to my parents house so I know they will love seeing Grandma and Grandpa.
A couple of interesting interactions also occured. At the end of my D game we were on the field taking pictures and the coach of the team playing the next game was trying to get us off the field so his kids could warm up. I was getting ready to say something to him and my W tugged at my pant leg and told me not to worry about it. Not in a disrespectful way but I thought it was interesting. Before the game started I was talking to another parent and she came up, touched my arm and said she was going to bathroom. Again I just thought it was interesting. She also told me what she was doing tonight which she usually doesn't do. The interactions didn't get any reaction out of me I continued to act the same and didn't go out of my way to interact with her differently than I usually do. I struggled with whether or not to journal these things because I really have not read much into them and they had no effect on how I acted the remainder of my time around her. I do know that she does not generate the same type of feelings from me that she used to. I know thie because of how I feel on the inside but I assume she has no clue. I feel kinda of flat when I am around her, emotionless just indifferent. I am not sure if that is normal or not but I feel rather calm and at peace.
Anyway, we got church tomorrow morning and my girls are signing in front of the church for their first time. I let my W know but she declined to go watch them. After church we are having family fun fest so we will go to that tomorrow afternoon and then they will go to their mom's tomorrow night. I have had them since last Sunday morning so it will be nice to have a little down time.
Hey J. Good to hear your update. Sounds like things are progressing well for you. Also looks like IC sessions might have run their course in terms of usefulness for you. I have another IC session next week and I am probably going to reduce the frequency as I think that I am doing well now - big thanks to this board. Also, money is tight and I can't see her as often because of that.
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I do know that she does not generate the same type of feelings from me that she used to. I know thie because of how I feel on the inside but I assume she has no clue. I feel kinda of flat when I am around her, emotionless just indifferent. I am not sure if that is normal or not but I feel rather calm and at peace.
Man, I know what you're saying. I saw W a couple of days ago for something and I didn't feel anything like I used to. I totally felt flat and indifferent as well. I think that I am getting to a place where I am able to truly see her in proper light and who she is. I can tell you that it's not exciting me much at all. I think it's getting to that detachment place and not being on edge. If you're internally calm then it takes the edge off and your state of mind is not dependent on her.
Good on you for not putting much into those small actions that she took.
Hey M....yeah my hope is starting to fade. I know we talk about hope and how I guess it keeps us going but that light is going dark. I take my girls back to the W this evening after having them all week and I can already start to feel my emotions coming on since I won't see them. Doing their laundry, folding it up and packing it in a suitcase is a very surreal feeling. I have more emotions for them at this point than my W.
We had a good week though, Six Flags, church, carving pumpkins, making slime, going to a football game, halloween festival and ordered pizza a few times I know this will get easier but man this is hard!
Did kid exchange last night, the girls were excited to see their mom and she had a friend over as well. My girls really like her friend so they were excited to see her also. I miss them terribly when I don't have them but I am happy they get excited to see their mom it makes this much easier and I hope my W continues because my D's need her support. I know my sitch could be much, much worse but I do think both of us have done a great job getting our children through this transition.
I was in and out in 5 minutes, her friend gave me a hug and told me I looked good. You know I must be a good guy when my W's friends still interact with me and give me hugs, etc. She asked how I was doing and I said great. She recently split with her husband so we made some small talk about her new place and that was it. My D's sung in front of the big church yesterday morning, I let my W know but she did not attend so when I left I told her where she could go watch them if she wanted to. She then made a comment to enjoy my week. By the way she said I could tell she was referencing being kid free. I said "thanks" got in my car and drove off. Obviously I will enjoy my week but to put it in context with me not having girls just really re-enforces where she is at mentally.
I will also have my girls for Thanksgiving which is cool, my w's brother and sister are flying her out to CA to be with them. It does make me feel a little weird that we won't be together as a family and that she is going out to CA on their dime. I know it's a control thing because I always handled the money in our house but it is weird for her to not come to me and discuss her desires to go and for us not to pay for it. I guess it's good from boundary, living separate lives, etc. standpoint but it just feels weird as we continue to distance ourselves from each other. Now that soccer is over our interactions will be even less which I know is good thing but still kind of weird.
As far as I go I feel pretty good outside of a few emotions around my children. I had a good week of GAL with my children and personally I was able to hit the gym a few times. Yesterday I got out of my comfort zone a little bit and asked a dad of my d's friends if he wanted to meet up for a beer after work tonight. He said yeah, that would be awesome, so I will be meeting him tonight after I go to the gym. Normally I just would have never asked or made an offer I would have shook his hand and left.
Yesterday was my 5 month BD anniversary. It's super crazy how time flies. At this point in time I journal more for myself than anything because there really isn't anything dramatic to talk about in my sitch. I feel like it is a balloon and when you first get to the board it is full of air and gradually the air gets let out and in the end there is nothing left. I don't really for see anything changing until D gets brought up or she wants to RC. We don't argue, fight, exchange nasty emails/texts, etc. I leave her alone and she leaves me alone so in that sense my sitch is rather boring.
