I am so happy to read that you are going to apply for the job. No one knows who will get it, but your upper management may not know that you are interested in moving up unless you actually do the work and apply for it. Talking about it doesn't always get people's attention...but actually sitting down and applying for it will. They will know you are serious when they get your application.
Wishing you good luck and sending positive vibes your way. Enjoy your weekend of apply picking and just having fun for a change.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here's hoping you get the case manager job and some handsome family physician sweeps you off your feet (no, they don't make as much as a surgeon, but they're generally nicer )
HAHAHA! My therapist actually said "and I am praying you meet a rich doctor!!!!"
Me too, haha! Or even a fellow nurse!
Speaking of family medicine..... If you know the famous Dr. Mike of instagram, he practices family medicine at said hospital I am applying at!
My ortho surgeon is the nicest, sweetest, and sexiest surgeon ever. It is shocking because the orthopods are usually egotistical. Too bad his wife is a horrible biotch (so I have heard) She is an ENT.
Juju, it really is like we are all hanging out. We talk about our weekends, our friends, our families, etc. We laugh and make jokes. It is fun. I desperately miss interacting with patients myself. I interact with a computer now. Talk to my coworkers sometimes. It is silent. I need the buzzing of telemetry monitors and the hustle and bustle. I go home to quiet. (even with a 10 year old). I NEED stimulation. I know that it will be a change for D10, but it is one we can handle with some adjustments. I need a change to be a good mother. I am depressed. That's not good for either of us.
Job, Thanks! I am really looking forward to this weekend. it's so nice where we are going with home made ice cream, a nuce little restaurant where we can have lunch, buy some things from the market place. The weather should be good. We will bake some apple desserts. Sunday we plan on finishing her Halloween costume. It'll be a nice weekend. I will be enjoying the no cheerleading thing!
Since I had to cancel my IC this week, I thought I would journal as this has been my journal for so many years. This past weekend was really nice. Apple picking was fun, we went out to lunch and then shopped the next day. We also baked both days.
My depression is taking over again, which pretty much stinks. Not as bad as the last time, but it is evident. I am going to bed when my D is going to bed because I just don't want to be awake and alone. I don't want to sit with my own thoughts in solitude. So I go to bed. What else am I going to do? Energy to clean is zapped. TV is fine sometimes, reading is fine sometimes, but I just don't want to be alone with my own thoughts.
Tonight D10 is going with her dad after 10 days straight with me. Tonight after PT I am going out to dinner with friends, tomorrow night, baking apple stuff with a friend, Saturday is D10's pediatrician apt an a football game and volunteering, and sunday is a winery with some good friends I haven't seen in a while. I should be busy and less depressed.
I really do hope the ex leaves the wife home for my D10's doctors appt. She is with him, but I go every year, so I am meeting them there. There are some places she doesn't belong. On that note, ex and I were working out D10 schedules and he always says "WE have her on this day" and "YOU have her on this day". It is a huge trigger for me every time he says "We have her" or it's "our day" It's a reminder of what they did and how they became a we with my daughter. It hurts.
Weight watchers unfortunately isn't working very well. And I am hungry. I even cut out my nightly wine. So basically everything that brings me joy is gone, haha! And for what?!
I applied for my job, the application is currently under review. I am praying I get this.
I just move through my days. That's all I can do. Horrible feelings of being unlovable take over. Everyone I thought cared for me has left me. Didn't give a second thought when it came to maybe putting in a bit of effort. It hurts. There is this single dad of D10's classmate. His wife completely left him with their 2 kids. He posted something on FB the other night that resonated with me. " The easy part is finding someone to love. The hard part is finding someone to love you" It's true for me. I have loved 3 men in my life. Two of them said they loved me. But I didn't feel loved by either. Both ran for the hills when they had to give an ounce and I couldn't hold up the relationship single handedly. One of them I married and had a child with. The one I did feel loved by never said it, and left me and began dating another woman. Funny how things work.
Oh, and I have an inappropriate crush on my 24 year old PT assistant. He's totally cute, smart, well-mannered, great with kids and is totally someone I would date if he was 10 years older. he was telling me about his grandma who lives with them last night and how his 73 year old grandmother is like superwoman and does everything for everyone. The great thing was he spoke with appreciation and admiration and not entitlement.
Can't I for once have interest in someone who is appropriate? HAHA!
[quote=Ginger1]I just wrote a big post full of b!tching and I lost it.
In a nutshell, I do believe they should name a saint after me. Probably something like "Saint Idiot" for even getting myself in this position with them. it's for my D10, of course, but I give an inch, people take a million yards. And yes, I am not completely selfless here. I am hoping karma will reward me with a love of my own.
Karma, and b/c you deserve it AND b/c a nice guy out there, deserves to be loved well, too.
Also, can I go back in time and slap the case manager who sought out a doctor to marry?
Did she set a goal of putting him thru medical school/internship and residency for 12 years, (& have 3 kids, and work full time) or just show up for the hot tub? Oh, I know, it's a streak of bitterness talking but this IS a vent fest...and I digress...
D10 factimed me from their house last night. She thought it would be fun to have me watch exH and OWW eat sour warheads.
OMG NO.
This^^^ is when you get a severe sudden case of "indigestion" (other names are even more suitable) and You need the toilet right away. Call ya back later.
And wtf is wrong with your ex h and his idiot wife? They win the "sensitivity" awards for the year.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
[quote=Ginger1]Since I had to cancel my IC this week, I thought I would journal as this has been my journal for so many years. This past weekend was really nice. Apple picking was fun, we went out to lunch and then shopped the next day. We also baked both days.
My depression is taking over again, which pretty much stinks. Not as bad as the last time, but it is evident. okay so you were outdoors and you had a good time. Not to project (too much, anyhow) but are you affected by the daylight issue?
Also, at the DivorceCare group I attend (which is national), they have chapters on loneliness and anger and depression, etc. I really recommend it (the videos can be heavy handed on the religion part but the group discussions and socializing we do, is mostly what I get out of it.)
Even though I'm pretty self aware and see a great T, I still learn a lot at group and the people who are ahead of/behind me, help me with insights. Some are many years down the road, and some are raw and reeling - in your shoes from 9 years ago. God, hurts just to think of them, let alone see them.
But it helps them and that helps us all.
IT's also very sociable and the fact that they all "get it", helps a great deal. They took me out for my 36th wedding anniversary b/c I just could not be around my married siblings and friends. I love them but - on that night, no thanks. The divorceCare people were incredibly supportive.
Anyhow, I did not see myself as "depressed" or lonely. I have people within an hour of here, some within 15 min and I do get out.
But there are things I do NOT do which I should and need to do. Still don't address a bunch of Gross Div Crap (GDC) and I ignore papers I must attend to. My job search came to a silent inactivity and I'm not lazy - but paralyzed. WTF?
That's^^ a form of depression, and there are days when there is nothing scheduled and if not for my dog, I would not get outside.
As for loneliness, there are definitely times. Yet I shudder at the thought of having to share my new place with a guy I did not "grow up" with.
All i am sure of, is that 1) I have never regretted going out to GAL even though I have often barely chosen to do so,
and
2) there is an intangible value in being alone, for me, for now. Since the age of 19 I was a fiancee, wife and or a mother. I'm still a mom but there are no kids under my roof.
Maybe - maybe - you are living your life as if the times alone are simply breaks between your mothering, so there's not really a separate life for you as "Ginger, the woman."
What would that look like? If d10 went away for a year (and putting aside the horrors of that just for a minute), can you say what you'd do?
I am going to bed when my D is going to bed because I just don't want to be awake and alone. I don't want to sit with my own thoughts in solitude. So I go to bed. What else am I going to do? Energy to clean is zapped. TV is fine sometimes, reading is fine sometimes, but I just don't want to be alone with my own thoughts.
- when we are alone too much we can get into negative spirals and being "alone with your own thoughts" is exactly that. (Also discussed at the divorecare class).
I have had some sh1tty racing thoughts at night. NOT cool. Not healthy. My T suggested I get a sleep aid and consider maybe AD's.
For the winter, at least, it's worth considering. Any thoughts on that for you?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tonight D10 is going with her dad after 10 days straight with me. Tonight after PT I am going out to dinner with friends, tomorrow night, baking apple stuff with a friend, Saturday is D10's pediatrician apt an a football game and volunteering, and sunday is a winery with some good friends I haven't seen in a while. I should be busy and less depressed. absolutely. If a minimum, you're stopping the "alone with my thoughts" cycle. Good.
I really do hope the ex leaves the wife home for my D10's doctors appt. She is with him, but I go every year, so I am meeting them there. There are some places she doesn't belong. amen. I dread the thought of weddings and having the idiot in any photo. May as well caption it "the interloper" and that is a polite caption. Unbelievable that she is so clueless and shame on them both. Except they're shameless, so that's out.
my sister's ex HAD to bring his "new" wife to school conferences and such, b/c the wife insisted. From what I know, he did not enjoy that reality.
So All might not be well in paradise - esp since you are a nurse. Make sure you ask technical medical questions so if she makes a stupid peep, you can glare at your exh.
Anyhow, so my sister had a family dog that was terminally ill. The ex h wanted to be there for the veterinary appointment with her & the kids. My sister agreed.
The vet came to the house (very nice, btw). So they were all crying and soothing the dog and she went peacefully. The ex carried the dog out to the vet's and after some more hugs, he drove off.
Turns out he had to go to a hotel b/c his "new" wife of 3 years, went ballistic that she was not included on the dog goodbye. (Stomp stomp...)
My sister had remarried and her new h had disappeared for the event, knowing it was a FAMILY dog from THEIR -prior-original- family...
anyhow, as sad as that was^^, the hotel "vacation" my former BIL had to endure after putting the family dog down, was a bright spot in a tragic story...for me & my other sisters, anyhow.
On that note, ex and I were working out D10 schedules and he always says "WE have her on this day" and "YOU have her on this day". It is a huge trigger for me every time he says "We have her" or it's "our day" It's a reminder of what they did and how they became a we with my daughter. It hurts.
ugh
what if you told him that "although you are over it", you think it's remarkably lacking in insight, given the history
AND given that the father and mother share custody. Not the step parent.
Or is there a plan you are not aware of, in which she going to court for her own "rights" do d10? If so, he should have let you know...
Btw, I am Glad that woman is kind to your d, but am still galled by her.
Weight watchers unfortunately isn't working very well. And I am hungry. I even cut out my nightly wine. So basically everything that brings me joy is gone, haha! And for what?! for YOU, i.e. your health and your sexual self esteem - b/c knowing you have a good desirable body for sex, which WILL happen for you, feels better than obsessing. Plus your knee will be better, back pain is less - trust me, I hurt my knee as a teenage softball player and hurt my back in my 20's. Felt I had healed fully. Turns out, later on, not so healed.
See it as something you are doing for YOU and put a positive spin on it, or don't do it. No more beating up Ginger!
Btw, I have a heavy set friend who is my age, and incredibly comfortable with her sexuality.
She informs me that "men don't care about a stretch mark!" She is quite emphatic about this, which I totally enjoy.
You look great, and I know this.
I applied for my job, the application is currently under review. I am praying I get this.
sending positives your way! Plus it's a start for you doing real looking around, which is great no matter what happens. No being stuck at a job with 3% social interaction.
You are exercising choice. Feels good.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My ex and his wife feel I should be so far over this whole affair breaking up the family thing that if I would mention some triggers I would get laughed at by ex and he would think I am still holding on. I do not hold onto him, but unfortunately since the beginning of time from my babies birth, it has been shoved in my face and not something I can hide from. I would hide so far away from it if I could. But I make the best out of a crappy situation. But they aren't very good with boundaries.
His wife isn't making a play for my D10. They like their minimum time. She has a demanding career (which she had to tell me in conversation about her sister) and ex gets home too late and he has his volleyball and game to play on his phone. I offered more time and he didn't want it unless I moved our D to his school district. Yeah, unbelievable. They just want the accolades.
Yes, She is good to my D. She will never have kids of her own and this is her parents grandchild, her stepchild, ect.
I love my D to death and being a mother is my passion. It does beome a catch 22 though. I don't have family help. My D is still young. So there is only so much me time. She goes to PT with me 2 out of the 3 days a week. Soon, she will do dance on Wednesdays. I can't do much more for myself, she tags along to a lot already. She needs to just be home some nights. I fill up my non parenting time the best I can with activities.
I have been separated/divorced, as long as I with my ex. 9 years with him, 9 years without. Most of my adult life thus far doing this gig alone. The truth is, if I didn't have D I would be so far out of this state right now. travel nursing, or living somewhere not so expensive. I feel trapped, I want to leave, I want to start over, but I can't take her away from her dad.
I am on AD's. I had went off when seeing my last BF, then I sunk into an awful depression like I never felt before when we broke up. I increased my AD's. I have always taken something to sleep as I have always had trouble sleeping. My sleeping isn't as awful as it used to be.
My IC always credits me to doing what I need to do to overcome my funks or get through my depression. But I feel at a dead end here. This injury, although not life-threatening has taken a HUGE toll on my emotional state. Exercising helped me feel alive. I let my aggression out. My endorphins went up. I was occupied. I felt better. I was really feeling hopeful and better as I was just coming out of my deep depression when I began volleyball. I was a part of a team, I was socializing, it was great. I had something to look forward to. To get knocked out this way was a true blow. And working in this job where I am not being challenged and not really having contact is rough.
I lost some good weight last year, was in great shape, overcame my foot surgery nicely. I just don't feel good about myself. For some reason men find my body very attractive. It's weird, because I don't, lol.
I am so depressed because where I am is not for lack of effort. Not for lack of appreciating what I have. not for lack of making a bad situation into the most tolerable one I can and one that has my D10's best interest on the forefront. All of that becomes a very heavy load to bear alone.
I have a lot of love to give. I also have a lot of room to receive it. I am ready to openly receive it as plentiful as I give it. I have been trying to get the enthusiasm up to online date, but I can't find it. I have been so disappointed by my experiences.
I just know something has got to give. I need help from a higher power. I can't do it alone anymore.
For some reason men find my body very attractive. It's weird, because I don't, lol
Maybe because you keep trying to hold yourself up to a weird artificial idea of female beauty which borders on emaciation (think Kate Moss) when men actually like feminine curves.
As per your depression - Vitamin D is a powerful ally against seasonal depression, I put my patients on 5,000 IU/d with vitamin K and get great results. Also look into Deplin, high dose methylfolate, used as an adjunct to regular antidepressants (it's a cofactor for the enzymes that make your neurotransmitters).
Also, Dr. Mark Hyman has just started a free docuseries on functional medicine and brain issues (including depression and anxiety). It's free, google Mark Hyman Broken Brain docuseries. He's brilliant and I've seen many of the speakers he includes at medical conferences, some of the best brains in the business.
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