thank you. Wednesday was his birthday, the first one in 39 years I've not done something for him.
Today is the one year anniversary since we separated and the last time I saw my h.
How odd.
I spent the weekend with some high school friends at the beach, and we laughed our heads off. (b/c I'm so damn hilarious.)
These are the types of friends you can show your bra to, b/c they like the fit!
It was incredibly affirming & validating and encouraging. And safe.
Also, We have each been dealing with serious life challenges, and in a terrible way
it helps to know this^^. Because We are not alone.
Looking at the ocean was emotional for me, & yes I shed a few tears. And then it was really soothing. The ocean is a constant presence that evolves and changes, but is still reliably there.
We'll go back. Thanks for checking in. Again, great quote and I'll ponder it more, too.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
25, have you seen the Netflix series "Grace & Frankie"? I think you would get a huge kick out of it and it would probably help you through these times. Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin bring a great hilarity with a raw honestly to marriages ending after 40 years.
I do always read along and I am always praying for you, I am afraid I just don't have much to contribute.
you know, I watched the first 2 episodes of that show. Yes it made me laugh but I could not continue (then, at least) b/c it seemed to me that the betrayal was overlooked due to the gay issue.
Like "it's great you're being authentic" and not much about a 20 year deceit. But maybe that's addressed later?
Anyhow, my God I laughed my a$$ off this weekend. Visiting a HS friend who had a double lung transplant (went with 3 other friends) and just loved seeing the ocean with people I've known since I was very young.
3 were at my wedding (shrug).
Oh, I met a man I'm interested in and I"ve learned something about this in general.
It's incredibly distracting and appealing to fixate on the new person. I'm self aware enough to see this.
But it makes me see how APs keep the attention of the WAS so that the spouse doesn't "need" to look at the crap they do.
There's a sparkly new person in their line of vision.
Don't get me wrong, I LIKE the guy. I told myself I'd wait a year till I dated.
Oh, wait, it's been a year (since yesterday, I mean).
Query - my therapist in CA, just before I left, took both my hands in hers and said "do NOT marry the first man you date. Promise me."
She REALLY emphasized this (a bit too much, to be honest). I never forgot that.
I think the problem she feared is that for those who want so badly to be in a couple, reeling in feelings of rejection, then the first decent guy who affirms you, is "the guy!" Proof we are worthy!
We ponder how our WAS's can replace us so fast but in a way, I can see how. (I know, gross).
It's not the real thing but it's a great fake. As long as you can imagine dancing at your wedding with them, and your kids being SO glad for you, and all the fans will approve and CLAP CLAP and the great sex you will always have, and the long walks on the beach, and the blah blah blah (h probably thinking Schmoopie loves hunting and fishing and love bombs, etc)
it's how you create a narrative in your mind that shows the "truth of this" and you go down that road. I have to stop myself from saying how great the new guy is, b/c I am projecting way too much. I cannot know this yet.
And only time will reveal this to me. When I ponder being sick or caring for him on his death bed, it's not as sparkly. But I'd have done that for h without a second thought.
Rambling. Thanks for listening.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And only time will reveal this to me. When I ponder being sick or caring for him on his death bed, it's not as sparkly. But I'd have done that for h without a second thought.
THIS stopped me dead in my tracks! I'm so glad you articulated this so well.
As I begin to even FEEL my thoughts wander into the "what would it be like" to even be touched by another man, MUCH less be intimate, MUCH, MUCH LESS care for him on his sickbed, I just want to weep or throw up. (Neither of which would be very productive in a new relationship, of that I'm fairly certain.)
So much for being "ready" to venture out. I see why they say wait a year. I think it will take me much longer.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
And only time will reveal this to me. When I ponder being sick or caring for him on his death bed, it's not as sparkly. But I'd have done that for h without a second thought.
THIS stopped me dead in my tracks! I'm so glad you articulated this so well.
As I begin to even FEEL my thoughts wander into the "what would it be like" to even be touched by another man, MUCH less be intimate, MUCH, MUCH LESS care for him on his sickbed, I just want to weep or throw up. (Neither of which would be very productive in a new relationship, of that I'm fairly certain.)
So much for being "ready" to venture out. I see why they say wait a year. I think it will take me much longer.
Well ladies,
it's not as if I'm about to remarry. In fact, I'm not 100% positive we will really date - And he could blurt out a deal breaker for me, too.
When people said "wait a year to date" I felt like that was just not going to happen at all or it would not happen for much longer.
People would also say, in general, that I'd "feel better in a year." Well there are days I think that's only b/c it sukked so much for the first year.
How could it not feel "better"?
As for dating, that's very different from being "in love" and that's very different from wanting a commitment. I'm merely ready to begin the "practice of dating."
As for intimacy - uh yeah...see, I like sex. But I want that to be - "understood" and I want to skip the awkward unfamiliar parts! Anyway....
I like living alone very much. Hard to imagine someone other than my kids - (or, ugh, h, to be honest)
living in the same home as me. I love the privacy and autonomy. Never lived alone till this year. So yeah, I love it.
(Okay, Ask me on Christmas Eve.)
So Parts of me wonder how on earth I'd ever commit to that much commitment again -
b/c tbh, I did the heavy lifting in my m. (For 35 years.)
So, no, I'm not about to jump all in for a man I did not have 3 kids with or build careers or attain wealth and move and grow up with and yada yada. But what if?? What if a great guy who is really ready, comes along?
How will I know what I want and feel, (let alone him) when there is a part of me that simply is used to being in a couple and likes that??
Ah yes, The deathbed scene...
maybe that's^^ the test of what a love built over years of bonding is. Because that was a GIVEN in my marriage. That was one of the ways I knew I loved my h. Loyalty and familiar compassion...
At least in me. Damn, the idea that maybe it wasn't for h, kills me.
I'm rambling trying to say , it's easy to "feel in love". Much easier than I thought.
Maybe that's what took me a year? I can imagine feeling it and in some ways that IS feeling it.
I wondered how on earth I would really know, even at this age, the difference between a crush or lust, just easing loneliness, shiny new sparkly object,
versus and a rock solid LOVE built over years...
I thought it was built over years and that I simply knew that. And I kept my vows. And that wasn't all that hard, 90% of the time. Temptations arose but I learned how to keep my head down and adultery was not going to be MY problem, ever.
But once the marriage is over and your long long "love" is gone - and you think about finding/creating it again,
you have to ask yourself how you will KNOW.
So far, the "comfort level" of a death bed or long term illness is what I've come up with.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
you don't have to feel the death bed loyalty to just have dinner and laugh together.
I mean, dear God, let's hope not.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I feel the same way. It's been a year for me since h and I were last 'together' I miss the intimacy of a partner. But when I think of that I can only think of him. And I too don't know if I can handle another mans hands on me. I will someday. But that day isn't today.
Its interesting, because I often ask myself if I will be willing to do the things I did for W with another woman. Think I would prefer to be alone, but have the option of calling a woman over for company. Whether it be for sex or simply to hang out. But at this point, I just want to focus on my happiness and well-being. Been with W since high school. So my entire adult life has been dedicated to putting her needs first for the most part. Even though I wasn't the perfect H.
