Any Advice 3

[gw5263]

She is not feeling any pressure from you about the affair....or the MR. She is ultimately cake eating. She gets benefits from the M and the affair. She is very close to friend zoning you, if she hasn't already.


So how do i handle this aspect^^^^^^^? do i apply some pressure(how/ what type)or not say anything about the A? Just a little confused. Sorry if this sound repititious. Just wanna get it right, Sandi. One of my 180's ws to not mention the A or relationship because i had this bad habit of doing it all the time. i did set a boundary of no contact with OM in our home.

[LH19]

GW,

I will give you my opinion. Your wife knows you know she is in an A and at this point you are accepting it. The fact that you are accepting it IMO makes you look weak in her mind.

Especially when from the outside there are zero consequences for her continuing the A.

To continue to receive the benefits from the marriage she will act friendly to you as long as you continue to support her financially. I think when she does this you feel that things are getting better when in reality she is just stringing you along.

Look I know this is not easy but only actions are going to change the dynamics of this relationship.

[TBSakaJ9]

GW.....below is something I have saved when I think about trying to be over the top nice to my W, ask her to do things together as a family etc. I will also give you a personal example and something I will always remember:

About 1 month after my W moved out I went to pick up my D's at one of my W's friends house. All of the kids were swimming in the backyard and my W along with her friends were hanging out poolside drinking. When I showed up she didn't see me and was talking about some guy coming up behind her dancing, etc. and when she saw me she freaked out and made some comment about I hope you didn't hear anything else. I didn't yell at her or make a scene just went on about my business. The next morning my D had a basketball game and afterwards we all went out to breakfast as a family which I paid for. Later that afternoon I was thinking about how that did not sit well with me, she was making comments about dancing with some guy or whatever and then the next day I take her out to breakfast?????? I thought to myself F that, I vowed to never ask her to do anything ever again, to keep my distance and if anything was ever going to happen again between her and I it would be because she was going to make the moves. I never wanted to be in that position again, a position of weakness and I thought to myself don't be a Fucing wimp...nut up!

Below is what I keep close to my vest:

You have to be willing to let go of the people that don't value you or the relationship they have with you. If you don't, you validate in their eyes that you are low value and that they were making the right decision when they started taking you for granted, hurting you, leaving you, cheating on you, etc. It is only when you let go of these people and move on with your life (detach, drop the rope, move on, GAL, etc.) that they realize what they HAD. You never know what you had until you don't have it and it's that point that a WAS will learn if their decision was the right one.

Fear of loss, crisis, these are things that motivate a person to action. Being super nice to and kissing the ass of a WAS that is in an affair (and everything that goes with that mindset) will usually repel the WAS even further.

[sandi2]

So how do i handle this aspect^^^^^^^? do i apply some pressure(how/ what type)or not say anything about the A? Just a little confuse

You don't apply pressure directly, such as always making comments or asking questions about the R and A. Any pressure she feels should come from the situation she has caused herself by getting involved with this OM. Make sense?

As long as you play happy family, and she gets her time with OM, she really isn't feeling pressure to change anything. That was my answer as to why things almost feel "normal". She thinks she has you right where she wants you. The more you do things that have no emotional attachment to her, the faster you will detach. This comes about through GAL like crazy, and doing 180's for yourself. Stop doing things with her as a couple or as a family, (except maybe when she shows up at the dinner table).

Stay balanced in your thinking about 180's. Don't make them so much about assisting her.

Does she know that you are aware that she's talking to OM during her walk?

Is she calling this arrangement a separation, or did she just move into the other bedroom?

[gw5263]

So i stop doing things for her, detach, and press on. She needs to see and experience what life will be without me in it. I missed my chance at this when the whole thing first started. Back in july when we separated was my golden opportunity. But at that point i was still begging pleading crying guy, when i should have detached and let her experience life on her own. Instead i "ride to the rescue" when she cannot afford anything at all around the house, i come back and begin paying all the bills she couldnt. My main motivator at that time was my kids. i realise now that i could have stayed away and still made sure the kids had what they needed with out supplying her. she would have gotten a good dose of reality about a week later when she was flat broke, but i "saved the day" and in reality made it even harder to get her to see what it wuld be like. Now i at least have an understanding how to proceed from here. I have made so many mistakes it isnt even funny... Now to try and correct them. I have told her i dont accept the Affair, now i have to show it thru my actions. Thanks LH and Joseph. This is the most difficult thing i have ever experienced, over everything else. I think im doing it right, and its wrong. I cant seem to get a balance,

[TBSakaJ9]

GW....I am not perfect, I have made mistakes. Everyone has. The hardest part for me is the finances because we have young children. Here is another example:

When my W moved out we sat down before and put together a budget for both her and I that we agreed upon. She wanted to move out, I didn't want money to hold her back. I didn't want her to live in a house that she didn't want to be in because I was controlling her with money. So I agreed to pay for things also because I make more than double what she makes. She opened up her own checking account and got her own credit card. Once she got established I took her name off of our joint account, took away her checkbook and our family credit card with a large credit limit on it (I asked her to give them to me and she agreed).

For the first two months I thought she was doing fine with her money. Well it hit the fan in August because she had already maxed out her credit card and was not living within her means. She called her dad for money and finally came to me. When she did it I could tell it was a struggle, she started to break down and she was pissed because she had no where to turn. She was mad because she didn't want to ask me, she was too prideful and that made her angry.

You see she had overspent, maxed out her credit card and she had to buy groceries for the week, it was also a week where she had our kids. How was she going to feed them??? Was I supposed to tell her tough $hit go figure it out and I guess the kids won't eat?? It wasn't that easy for me.

I didn't lecture her but I remember loading up food from my house and putting it in grocery bags for her. For example, cooked spaghetti noodles from the fridge, that sort of stuff. Food that we had used during the week that I wasn't going to need since I didn't have the kids. Talk about a shot to her ego, it had to of hurt. I didn't want to give it to her, or $50 bucks here or there but what am I supposed to do when my daughters won't have anything to eat?

I guess my point is that when it comes to the finances I don't think it is as black and white, especially when kids are involved. Even with her struggles financially it still hasn't changed her mind. LH reminded me that I wouldn't want her to come back for that reason anyway.

Also whatever you do it should come across as punitive or vindictive. If you are the bread winner controlling with money can be a slippery slope IMO.

[joejoe1]

GW,

Don't beat yourself up. We have all made the same mistakes as you. But you have options. You start to do what works now. You also have information that you can arm yourself with.

You know your wife need you to survive. She couldn't make it on her own. She has already proven that to you. Stop taking care of her. Do you cook? When you do cook enough for everyone, but don't make a plate for her. Do you buy her snacks when you go grocery shopping, don't do that no more. Do you buy her favorite soap, don't no more.

Let me say again, she has already proven, she can't take care of herself without you. Don't be punitive, but make reality come to light.

During her walks, take the kids out and go have fun with them. I'm glad you told her you don't agree with her affair. Good Job. Now it's time for some action!

[LH19]

This is the most difficult thing i have ever experienced, over everything else. I think im doing it right, and its wrong. I cant seem to get a balance,

GW,

Don't beat yourself up, you are right this is probably the toughest thing you have ever faced. DBing is very counter intuitive that's why what you think is right is really wrong. Just remember that you can not nice your way back with her.

Stay confident and strong my friend. I promise you it gets better.

[sandi2]

I still need my questions answered. Does she know that you know she's contacting OM on her walks?

When you moved back home, was it established the two of you were in-house S?

[CW2017]

Sorry to butt in Sandi but is it possible to adopt a tweaked version of your advice to gw for my sitch wherein I have the normality at home but it is essentially different because my wife is here? I still have an enhanced relationship (in all departments) yet there is clearly cake eating going on