WAS OR WHAT 10

[bttrfly]

Hi Roist,
As always, you know I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. First, let me say I'm so deeply grateful to you for mentioning that site that has the loving kindness meditation. I've been doing that one every day and some days twice a day since last Thursday in the wee hours (3am - only thing that helped me sleep). I have had great days since - each one seems better and more positive than the previous one. I feel like I'm back to my pre-BD and pre-H's MLC self, my true self, and it feels so wonderful. Deeply peaceful, happy, filled with the joy of love and life. I've missed this me, so thank you my friend!

Secondly, the things that meant the most to me were as follows (a woman's perspective):

1. flowers for absolutely no reason, just because. I remember one time exh brought me flowers and simply said, "Because I think you deserve them and could use some cheering up." It still touches me deeply to think of it.

2. a simple walk together.

3. a quiet night sitting together reading

4. playing chess, cards, or a board game

5. the usual dinner and a movie out

6. take out and a movie in after the kids are asleep - or a really decadent dessert, like molten lava cake for two and a movie. or just some popcorn and a movie

Hope this helps. I completely understand the lack of motivation. I used to do most of the yard work, planted specific flowers in specific places for exh's enjoyment. After a while, I felt completely taken for granted and like it wasn't noticed or appreciated so I stopped. Of course, that was taken as a sign that I no longer cared enough to do these things. You don't want to go into that category.

It's hard fighting alone for your marriage. I think though that in her own way she's also fighting because she's still there and she's telling you she wants certain things. Communication is positive.

xoxoxo

[roist]

Thanks GORDIE for your continued interest. I haven't decided exactly what I will do about this years anniversary. It will be low key though.

Bttrfly, thanks for your support. I am glad something I shared helped you. I do appreciate your womanly viewpoint. No I don't and won't go into that category.

Best wishes readers

[roist]

Journaling:

This weekend is our W anniversary. W had plans for the following weekend but due to circumstances it got moved up a week so W won't be here. How do I feel about that? Tbh it doesn't bother me much. I didn't feel like celebrating our anniversary much anyway. I like my W free time so I am looking forward to my weekend with my sons. I will admit that I wasn't overly pleased initially though accepted it immediately as just being the way it is. I examined closely why I disliked it so much. During this I realised I did something similar two years ago. It was unavoidable too plus u was only a year into my journey. I handled the communication badly just as she did this time. Lesson learned. This probably doesn't make sense to readers but I don't have time to outline more. It makes sense to me.

That does however expand on my recent response stating it will be a low key anniversary. I will let W make first move.

That being said, I haven't been happy with my thoughts lately. Nit feeling enthusiastic about W anniversary nor upcoming three year mark of trying to save M. I was focusing on what I didn't have, which never helps. So to get back on track I decided to do that "appreciation day" for W this weekend.It was relatively low key consisting of a note in a card about what I appreciate about her. I did end it by saying that i wanted to show her with more than words so i invited her to ask me to do anything. Plus a few scratch cards with photos of stuff she liked that we could buy/do if she won. These were given at three different times over the weekend.

My first comment about this is that it seemed right to me. I immediately got a huge benefit from thinking and listing all I appreciated. It changed my focus. Beforehand I was annoyed and adamant that if things continued that this would be our last anniversary. This exercise didn't erase that thinking but dramatically shifted my thinking and I prefer the resulting mind frame.

Ironically how W reacted was secondary to me and I had no expectations either way. My W's reaction was quite!No huge reaction.But over weekend there were some subtle changes, mostly in a good way. There was also an increase in negative comments about stuff not being done "right". I overlooked the delivery and saw it as her asking for something in her own way! Though once or twice I rephrased her comments positively and asked if that's what she was saying. She did ask me to do one specific job, which I did. We also discussed house projects that we mentioned before but have let slid. Looks like we are going to be working together on those shortly.

I am still actively GAL too and am increasingly out doing my activities, including some late nights. On the rare nights W is out late, I notice it hits home harder the distance between us. I don't dwell on it as much but it is noteworthy. Won't do any harm for her to go to bed alone a few times!!

Got to go work.

Best wishes

[bttrfly]

following along Roist ... {{{{{hugs}}}}}
xoxoxo

[HaWho]

Roist- I am also following along. Kudos to you on re-directing your mind to the positives.

I am just curious, have you also gone through a period where you did not initiate any reaching out/attempt connection? And if so, how did she respond?

Thinking of you.

[roist]

Thanks for following and supporting me bttrfly and ha who.

Hawho, yes I have.

Pre deciding that I wanted to save my M there was a period of "well if she won't then I won't try". We slept on the edges of the bed with a no mans land between us. I hated that. Once I realised how long this could take I decided to not do that anymore. I couldn't live that way. So now I initiate contact every night. She doesn't initiate (yet !! Hehe) but she does sleep less on the edge of the bed. Contract isn't sexual but is beyond friend zone.

That is related to your wuestion but here is my answer. In the last three years there have been times where I have backed off and not initiated connection. Sooner or later W will break tis by initiating contact/connection. However it appears to me that she doesn't want things to deteriorate and when they do she does make an effort to re establish the status quo but doesn't go beyond..

Maybe LRT would be interesting to see her reaction but I am not there yet. I haven't tried everything. I am not putting myself under pressure to save my M. But I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and genuinely be able to say I tried everything before giving up.

Does that answer your question?

Best wishes

[AndrewP]

roist - I used to refer to my W as "Mrs Minimum Payment". She would always put in the least possible effort (or so it seemed to me) on most tasks. That was one reason why I took over doing our books a number of years ago. Bills weren't getting paid down. This also extended to the garden which was full of weeds because she would only work at it for a short while then give up etc etc including in the bedroom.

Oddly - at work she would indeed go above and beyond, just not anywhere else. My son is very similar.

Think back to past patterns. Is your W someone who would regularly go above and beyond to get things done, even if they weren't for her? If that was a past pattern then it may not be surprising that she's not caring to carry her part of the load for reconnection.

It is my amateur observation that many of us are dealing with spouses who are in many ways selfish and yes, perhaps lazy. If the lawyer meetings are any indication, my STBX has gotten worse, not better.

If in your case this is what you are dealing with, you can't expect it to change I would think.

Just my 2 cents.

[roist]

Thanks for sharing your viewpoint. I will ponder on it, but I am sure that isn't the situation with my W. In our early years she was very proactive in the effort to have a good R. Now she is proactive in parenting and active in promoting the family.

She has "just" fallen out of love and probably doesn't believe that can change. She has classic signs of depression. I think she is doing the best she can.

Maybe she won't ever change, but currently she is a pale shallow version of herself. I am sure she will improve. Whether she will want to reconnect or not is another question. I am willing to give it some more time to answer that but am well aware I couldmove on before she can. Until then I will do what I can.

I am open to hearing any views on my situation and my approach even/especially those that are contrary to mine.

Best wishes

[HaWho]

Yes Roist, that does answer my question. Thank you.

And of course, I so admire all the various different things you have tried in an effort to save your m. It's very admirable.

[roist]

Thanks HAWHO. Your support means a lot.

Happy anniversaries Mrs Roist. 11 years married today, 22 years together next month and three years since I asked for a sign.that you wanted to be married. I honestly am not sure if I want to be still like this next year. OK I know I don't want to be but I meant I don't know if I will choose to be.

Best wishes everyone, including mrs Roist