Act Now or Cry Later

[bttrfly]

Interesting

[job]

So much drama over a marshmallow. It makes me shake my head and wonder if something similar transpired in his youth. His constant worry over money being spent sounds like a very real concern of his...again makes me wonder if he heard these comments as a youth.

As for hoe...well, that's a new one. We had a lovely lady posting here from England many years ago and when her H flipped, he actually removed the two steps to the shed and took them w/him. Did he need them in a flat? No, but he did take them and when the reconciled, he had to build new steps. Another lovely lady had a child's desk and chair in her son's room. Her h took the child's chair (which was used by her young son). They take whatever strikes them at that particular moment.

Of course, if you look for the humor in the hoe scenario, he could be weeding the dust bunnies or the mildew in his bath. Trust me, he truly doesn't know why he has the hoe and for what purpose he needs it in the room unless he's having nightmares and needs to fight off the monsters that come out to play when it's dark.

Chalk it up to odd behavior...but by MLC standards w/many of them...the hoe is a mild one. BTW, I'm not trying to make excuses for his odd behavior, but his antics are tame compared to many others.

[ciluzen]

Bahahaha OwnIt!

But, really HaWho...why is it important to have a hoe in his room? Or "rake"? Spider issues? His remote won't work? Doesn't like to bend over to reach things? Is there that much mess that he has to clear a path? Imaginary monster basher? Is he gardening? Maybe a zen sand garden? I really want to know now!

And as for the marshmallow incident, it seems to be in alignment with his food issues and past neglect. What would have happened if he had snuck a marshmallow (or any food) before breakfast in his home growing up? Or was he given breakfast? Maybe he saw it as a form of disrespect from your son because he felt that son should appreciate that he was being fed? Who knows. MLC craziness and childhood ishes...my brain is overwhelmed with it these days and I'm not even really directly dealing with it!

You still amaze me in your ability to detach and report and carry on. Keep it up, HaWho. And that's great that you are getting the recognition for your abilities at work. These struggles and MLC acquired skills really do cross over, don't they?

[roist]

I wouldn't condone my sons eating high sugar sweets before meals either. I probably would be more lenient if kid had been sick. Couples make such a big deal over little unimportant stuff, though you were wise to realise this wasn't about the marshmallow... .... unless of course H has a fear of the marshmallow man from ghost busters. That could even explain the hoe!!

I see a lot of reconnecting happening. Albeit indirect through humour, he does seem to be trying more and more. I doubt it is a conscious decision on his part, but he does seem to prefer to have improved interactions.

Thank you for giving us this on going observation of his behaviour.

I am glad you are able to step back and not get sucked into reacting and escalating these situations. Well done.

Best wishes

[HaWho]

Thanks Ownit, KML, Gordie, Bttrfly, Job, Cil and Roist. I so appreciate all your support!

Kml - the only person in his family who had dementia was his paternal grandmother and she was almost 90 when that set in. She was sharp as a tack for the very longest time. In fact, at our wedding she was in her mid-seventies, and she danced more than the children!!! (Work friends thought she was my h's mother!) But I checked out the book and it's interesting.

Anyway, so where am I these days? Well, I am working a lot. And that is good. It's challenging and rewarding and validating. It's important for me to keep working towards financial independence. I was a SAHM mom for quite some time. A large part of rebuilding, for me, has been having a place separate from h and my life with him.

I've been playing less tennis so I think I am going to find a night league where I can play one match a week.

I see friends outside of work and this is a group that knows nothing about my sitch. I find that refreshing as I use my time with them as an outlet for not thinking about it.

As for h? Well, I don't see him all that often. He really keeps to his room these days. Sometimes he texts me something. He does seem more aware of the kids. Actually, he is more engaged in their lives and aware of their routines, etc. Often he says he is tired.

I guess he's had some health issues. Recently he mentioned that he had been found to be pre-diabetic. Then he had a follow up and was cleared of that.

Here's a funny one. One morning I was fixing my makeup in a downstairs hallway mirror. H appeared and asked me if I had taken his toothpaste. I said no; sensing this was going to go MLC weird, my body froze and I started to gather up my makeup so I could go elsewhere to finish. While I was zipping up bags he started to explain that he had ordered some items but the toothpaste was not in the package. He said it was okay if I took the toothpaste?!? I said I had no idea about any of it and immediately exited stage left. I was ready for him to come out with some outlandish accusation.

So odd. Why on earth would I take his toothpaste?!? And does he think I opened his mail to get it? The whole scene reminded me of being on the subway and that creepy guy coming to sit real close to you. Every woman knows the feeling.

Strange to think that come a few weeks I am three years post BD. Of course, like others I thought I'd be done with all this by now. While I have come to terms with much of the detour my life has taken, I still have much residual anger that this is now my kids' FOO. I know it only takes one parent to pull them through and I am thankful that so many w/kids continue to post from the other side of this.

My kids are doing well. They have friends and keep busy. They are both doing very well academically. S14 cooks a meal each week and enjoys it. He says it's his way to relax. He is so responsible. In his teenage moments I see so many parallels to h. I have learned to listen and detach. I find when I remain calm he settles and mirrors.

Thanks all for your wonderful support. Special thanks to Job. Like so many others here, you helped me through some very, very dark days.

And to all newbies, yes, it does get easier!

[peacetoday]

Your situation always seemed a bit different from most of our since your MLCer stayed at home and you handle it good and move on at the same time

still curious to see how this eventually lands since he is still there-

have a good weekend!

[bttrfly]

thx for the update!
yeah, bizarre - "did you take my toothpaste"
did he not get a packing slip showing which items shipped/didn't ship?

Was it just an excuse to start a lame conversation with you?

I'm glad you're in a detached place with this. Living in the midst of it, you have to be as detached as possible to survive it.

The residual anger is normal given your circumstance.

I'm glad things are going smoothly with the boys.

xoxo

[OwnIt]

Thank goodness he provides you with comic relief from time to time to survive this ordeal. I guess we are the bad guys for every single thing that goes wrong, aren't we.

[roist]

I was wondering if you would post soon. Otherwise I would have had to prompt!!

Boy do I understand that three year mark. Mine is next week.When I started this journey........let's just say, I didn't imagine still being in this situation three years later. I almost started to ramble on about my journey but prefer to just state I like your company in the three year club.

I also understand your fears for your children. Being aware of the potential outfall will help you ensure they are not adversely affected. You got this.

Anyway just wishing you my best.

[Sotto]

3 years - oh my goodness! I didn't want to divorce as you know - equally, in many ways I feel I had it easy due to the distance in my situation. Once XH was gone, that was pretty much it and no looking back from him. I can't imagine living daily with the situation like you do and I applaud you for your humour balance and grace. Xx