How a treehouse can cost you your marriage

[Clyde]

Battling whether or not to take down pictures of the W in the family home, most are of her and the kids, there are a few of her and I together that are mixed in the collage frames. I originally left them up for the kids, but I also have a wedding picture in my shop. Interactions w/ the W have been consistently pleasant for the last two weeks, afraid doing so might interrupt the trend we are on.

[Valeska19]

Well - why would you take them down?

And are you okay with interrupting the trend if it happens?

[Clyde]

My thought on taking them down was to make her question whether I'm always going to be waiting here for her. Before I started DB'ing, I was always reminding my W that she would always be welcomed home... I now wonder if that made it easier for her to leave knowing she had a safety net and that I would always be waiting for her.

As I mentioned in prior post, its been 6 months of pure hell, and just as I'm ready to start making it look to her as though I am detaching (I'm still battling the notion of truly detaching... makes perfect sense, just easier said then done) things start to change. No I do not want to interrupt these changes... as long as they are true progress and not prolonging the "space" she needs.

As a matter of fact I'm gonna ask this again as I only got one response last time and would like to get some other opinions.

We've been doing weekly family dinners, sometimes the W and I will have a cup of tea together during drop offs, we have spoke about doing halloween and x-mas a.m. as a family (I suggested h-ween, xmas to which she said yes to), today she said we should go to the pumpkin patch together (yearly tradition).

Am I making easier for her, if we did not do these things maybe she would miss them and be more inclined to work on the M... or should I take these opportunities to show her my 180's, and also view these times as progress as she could not stand to be around me the prior couple months.

[Valeska19]

Based off of what you have said. Wouldn't a 180 be making more time for your family? I think you should keep the traditions.

I wouldn't take her photos off the wall to "make her see". In my experience, that always backfire.

The notion is of making someone miss you is not taking stuff away. It's the idea of being your best self so that they begin to question their decision to leave.

So what does your best self look like?

[Clyde]

The best me to date is not being critical... while the W has mentioned this, I don't think it was to big of an issue in the M, her actions up to and during the separation made it easy to be... It took a while but I think I'm on to her, much of these actions were to get a reaction out of me, make me the bad guy.

I am a much better listener these days, through DB, DR, and several other books I have learned to acknowledge her feelings, even if I do not agree...

I am working less as it is killing me not being able to see my kids daily, I try not to work at all during the 50% I have them, this is an iffy one though... the contract I am currently working on pays enough to allow for this, not all do.

Doing my best to act "As If" I am happy and content, got a long way to go on this one though as I slip and pursue by bringing up M talks.

[joejoe1]

Clyde,

I wouldn't take the pictures off the wall. I would enjoy X-mad and Halloween together. Wouldn't kids enjoy that. Those memories will be with them for a life time.

Don't push her away if she is coming closer. Just remember to not pursue and don't initiate M or R talk. Let her bring those up. Thats my two cents.

[Clyde]

joejoe1,

Thanks, its been hard not to bring up M or R talk especially since the last few convos went good (I initiated them), its been a week since the last one though, I've been battling picking up the phone and trying to pick up were we left off on the last convo.

Yes, the kids are really looking forward to x-mas together, they have asked about it several times. They also ask about family dinners, they are really enjoying them, it makes me wonder if they are asking the W, and if so is it making her think.

I like having the pictures up for the kids sake and I like seeing them too, good memories I don't want to forget, I will admit though,they do trigger some emotions... I've found myself looking at them thinking, if we could only go back to that day.

[Clyde]

Some journaling:

Before I realized it I pursued her today... Todays was a little different as far has who's day it was for the kids... anyhow it made it to where she was picking up the kids near dinner time after she got off work. When we spoke this a.m. about pickup time I mentioned thats almost dinner time, we should just have dinner as a family so she does not have to cook after work, and to let me know what she wants (gave her the options of what I had on hand to prepare) she said lets touch base later and see what time I get off, anyhow she got off work 2 hours early, (too early for dinner), she suggested we all go out for ice cream which we did, we had a good time, kept the convos light, she stayed and hung out at the house for about 30 min., the kids were hanging off her most the time so I can't say she was hanging out to be w/ me.

[AnotherStander]

Hey Clyde, sorry for not checking back in, I've been pretty buried at work lately myself!

First I just want to say part of our "job" here is to challenge you and make you think about things you need to work on. We do it for everyone. Sometimes people feel like they're getting beat up, I know I did too! But it's all coming from a loving place, we really want you to succeed and we want to help you get there.

Your W right now has a very negative mindset. Nothing you say or do is going to change things, she feels like she's done and the M is over. You need to quit fighting her on that because the more you fight for your M the more she's going to push back. DB'ing is about setting your M aside for now and working on yourself. Your W may be 95% to blame for the demise of your M, but guess what, you can't control that. All you can control is your 5%, so that's our focus here. Leave her alone to work on her 95% (or whatever percentage it may be). Become the best "you" that you can be, and let her work through her issues. Once she does she may look back and see a man she regrets leaving, and she may very well want you back at that point.

I want you to have confidence that you WILL succeed, because in the end you will. I hope that success includes recon with your W, but you will eventually get to a point that even if you don't recon you will STILL succeed. You will be stronger, more confident, more independent.

Regarding taking the photos down, you said this:

My thought on taking them down was to make her question whether I'm always going to be waiting here for her.

So in other words, you're thinking about doing it hoping to get a reaction out of her. That shouldn't be your motivation. You've got to quit doing things to try and "snap her out of it". Again, her decision is made (so she thinks right now) and you will NOT change her mind (only she can do that). Plus like you said later, how would your kids react to that. They might think you're trying to "erase" her from your and their lives.

[Holding]

Clyde, if you do decide to take the pictures down, do it only for yourself. Once my STBXW told me she definitively wanted to D, I could no longer stand to look at the wedding picture I had on my nightstand in the MBR. I put it in a drawer. When she moved out of the MBR, I took down another pic of us hanging in the MBR. They were just too painful to look at. STBXW thought I had trashed them, so she took all the wedding photos from the hallway and brought them to her parents' house. The kids were very upset when they noticed that.