[quote=Dazed22]Something strange happened this morning. She left early like she often does when she goes to see the other man. He is a surgeon and she is a medical rep so she goes to his cases all the time. She told me that they decided to break up last Thursday since it was not right and he was married as well. In the past, I have threatened to call his wife and his boss but never did. She called me this morning and asked if I called his wife???? I said no. I asked why she asked. She said she saw him at the hospital and when he saw her he turned and walked the other way. I said maybe he was being respectful to her wishes and that I did not contact his wife or anyone else. It is really crazy that she felt ok to ask me this and tell me this?
Well this explains why she is checking if you are still around, you are her option B.
So what is my best plan of action? I don't mean to be harsh, so I apologize if this feels like a little cold water.
Why are you asking this question, given that she's not changed a thing regarding the marriage? SHE did not end the affair, still says she is done.
I am continuing to GAL and do things for me. She has said that she has no plans at all for us and that we are still done. what was it that you wanted to work on, in yourself? And how is that work going?
I'm not supporting you in any pursuit at all. You can do as my DB coach said "keep the road home, paved and smooth"
without pursuing. And without making it easy for her to walk back into the m as if nothing has happened.
But give her a reason to see you in a new light, as well. I know it's a balancing act. A hard one.
You are also encouraged to look within and ask yourself this very hard question do you want her back to restore the marriage and stick together happily
or do you just want to win her back?
This was good. You are right. I don't really have any options right now. I really don't feel that there is much of a chance for us. It is hard to turn off the pursuit. For myself, I really have been trying to get out and get a life outside of her. I have been trying to hang with friends and meet new people. I have started back to church every week. I am in shape and look pretty good. Its all inside for me. Your last question is really what made me pause the most....
You are also encouraged to look within and ask yourself this very hard question
do you want her back to restore the marriage and stick together happily or do you just want to win her back?
Wow that is a great question. As a friend said to me, "It seems you want the fantasy of what you thought you had more than you want her." I love my wife but hate what she has done, but as stated there is no real chance right now so I will just keep trying to GAL and trying to become the best independent version of me that I can. Thank you for your reply.
the praying together is interesting. I would be interested in what SHE prays for.
If you must contribute a prayer, I'd focus on the "family" and not the marriage.
Not in front of her, as that's blatant pursuit and could be a way for her to make sure you're still Option B available
which is not really likely to get her back to stay.
She prays for clarity of thought. The ability to make the right decisions. She prays for the kids. Last night she prayed that she can release some of her anger. I will try to make sure that my prayers with are not focused on us or her. I can really see how even an honest prayer can sound like pursuit or even manipulation. Thank you for pointing this out as well.
She prays for clarity of thought. The ability to make the right decisions. She prays for the kids. Last night she prayed that she can release some of her anger. I will try to make sure that my prayers with are not focused on us or her. I can really see how even an honest prayer can sound like pursuit or even manipulation. Thank you for pointing this out as well.
I don't see how any good can come of this. I actually think it's pretty insensitive.
Out of the blue, she asks you to pray with her, which just seems weird to me. The things she prays for just scream "let's have a good divorce."
And you're sitting there, probably praying on the inside "God, please save my marriage" (no fault there, I've done it myself). But you can't say those things out loud. So this isn't even a sincere prayer, it's a prayer for show. She's actually taking a moment that should be personal and meaningful for you, and making it into a show and tell of emotions.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
She prays for clarity of thought. The ability to make the right decisions. She prays for the kids. Last night she prayed that she can release some of her anger. I will try to make sure that my prayers with are not focused on us or her. I can really see how even an honest prayer can sound like pursuit or even manipulation. Thank you for pointing this out as well.
I don't see how any good can come of this. I actually think it's pretty insensitive.
Out of the blue, she asks you to pray with her, which just seems weird to me. The things she prays for just scream "let's have a good divorce."
And you're sitting there, probably praying on the inside "God, please save my marriage" (no fault there, I've done it myself). But you can't say those things out loud. So this isn't even a sincere prayer, it's a prayer for show. She's actually taking a moment that should be personal and meaningful for you, and making it into a show and tell of emotions.
Thank you for the response. That's interesting. It really doesn't feel that way while we are praying but now that you say it I can see how this could be manipulative. I am sure her words are chosen very carefully. And you are right I am praying inside for her heart to change. My gosh, this is confusing.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you. I have read the book and have re-read the section on detaching at least 5 times.
So today she decided that she wants to split up our money in separate accounts. She makes twice what I make so this is convenient.
You are each entitled to 1/2 of the family income.
You may need to consult a lawyer
(guess she got clarity of thought.)
Getting a lawyer is not forcing anything. It's getting information. And you need that asap.
And splitting the money into separate accounts makes it a lot harder to track expenses...and income, in the event that she's someone who gets bonuses or can defer income (like a med representative).
See a lawyer asap. Protecting yourself is NOT weak; and it does not push a WAW faster towards divorce.
IF anything, it may pause her.
Not that you want to manipulate her with money, but just don't worry about it being a bad idea.
Don't let her convince you that Not seeing a lawyer will "save you money".
Seeing a lawyer cannot hurt you. Hiring one and pushing for unreasonable demands may hurt you both in the long run
but all we are saying for now is, see one and get information. Knowledge is power.
And really, you have no (healthy) choice.
((( Sorry )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
